path: root/data/rbot/plugins/chucknorris.yml

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The Terminator once went back in time to kill Chuck Norris. He found only a note from Chuck reading "Bitch lips-- I have already traveled to the future and am currently beating your ass there, when I return I'll bring a piece of your metal ass back with me and beat you with that in the present.": 3.285
Chuck Norris can kill two birds with one stone. Birds meaning 20 men, and stone meaning his fist.: 7.523
Chuck Norris can count his chickens before they hatch.: 3.895
Jesus Christ was nailed to a cross and left to suffer, bleed and die, but not for our sins. In fact, it was because he was spreading the word of Christianity and not the word of Chuck Norris.: 1.705
Chuck Norris tried out for the part of Kindergarten Cop, but the child fatality rates were to high.: 5.528
Chuck Norris once scored 100 points in an NBA game. He was just wearing his 7-foot-tall black man outfit that he calls "Wilt Chamberlain".: 5.375
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.: 7.074
Chuck Norris once read the entire works of Stephen King in one hour by simply roundhouse kicking them.: 2.111
Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too. Or else.: 4.896
James Bond is 007 because Chuck Norris killed the first five and we all know what happened to six.: 3.75
You know sometimes you feel kinda depressed but you don't know why? That's because Chuck Norris is asleep.: 5.381
Historians recently uncovered Norwegian scripts depicting Ragnarok not the fight between Odin and Loki, but actually Chuck Norris against Robotic Chuck Norris.: 4.145
Chuck Norris could school Peyton Manning in the art of  quarterbacking. Although, Chuck Norris thinks football is for women because they wear "pads".: 4.075
Chuck Norris' beard is about 30 seconds older than he is.: 5.79
Chuck Norris once made a movie using only the line, "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" repeated hundreds of times.  This movie never made it to the public because Vin Diesel was extremely jealous  that Chuck Norris was the first one to come up with the idea of a movie involving street racing in the import scene. Vin destroyed all the movie footage, copyrighted the phrase "I'm Chuck Fucking Norris" and made The Fast and the Furious.  In return Chuck Norris cast a spell on Vin Diesel that would make all his movies suck.: 2.333
Sting once got roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. The impact of the blow sent him half way into the pacific ocean. This ultimately resulted in the song "Message in a Bottle". When the album hit stores Chuck sued Sting on the premise of artistic inspiration, and won. The settlement was four cheeseburgers, a large coke, and another roundhouse kick to the face. The result this time was the song "Walking on the Moon".: 4.457
"I once saw Chuck Norris eat a midget whole. Chuck Norris proceeded to crap the midget out. (Intact, might I add.) When the midget had cleaned himself off a bit, he ran to Chuck Norris yelling, \"Thank you, thank you, thank you!\" I guess what I'm trying to say is: We're immortal.": 1.061
Chuck Norris can hammer a nail with one blow, without a hammer.: 4.632
Chuck Norris usurped God's throne in heaven. That's why God now works at a gas station in Rio Rancho, New Mexico.: 2.371
Chuck Norris always wins Connect Four in six turns or less.: 2.403
Chuck Norris knows no limit simply because limit is too scared to introduce itself: 4.0
Mount Kilimanjaro can only be climbed when Chuck Norris has an erect penis. This is because Chuck's erect penis IS Mount Kilimanjaro.: 2.35
Chuck Norris has been forever banned from Blockbuster for taping over the ending of every movie to include himself.: 5.625
In 2005, Chuck Norris forced Vatican clergy to rewrite the Bible to include all the benefits of working out with the Total Gym.: 4.117
One time a 3rd grader tried to impress Chuck Norris by burping the alphabet. In turn Chuck belched the entire script for the show Cowboy Bebop.: 4.553
"Chuck Norris has two speeds: \"kill\" and \"fuck your girlfriend.\"": 5.459
Ask not what Chuck Norris will do for a Klondike bar, ask what the Klondike bar will do for Chuck Norris.: 5.79
Chuck Norris loves cute little puppies. He especially loves them on rye with some pepper jack and a dash of paprika.: 4.56
Chuck Norris snorts battery acid to get a buzz. He claims it tickles.: 3.729
"Chuck Norris once ate barbed-wire. Less than two hours later he shat $100 bills.  ": 2.642
When angered, Chuck Norris's core temperature rises to one million times that of the sun & will destroy the entire Universe. This has happened twice so far & leading scientists claim that we are "Long Overdue" for another.: 1.5
Chuck Norris craps pure muscle.: 1.916
Fire does not burn Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris burns fire.: 6.14
Chuck Norris uses live sharks as condoms.: 3.32
Chuck Norris action figures have been banned in the United States and Mexico due to roundhouse action related eye loss in children.: 4.276
Every time Chuck Norris executes a roundhouse kick, the incredible speed at which his leg cuts through the air creates an enormous sonic boom. This is commonly known as "thunder".: 3.708
If you purchase the Total Gym, Chuck Norris will personally show up at your home and roundhouse-kick your ass into shape. No one makes Chuck Norris look bad.: 5.181
Chuck Norris was born of the Greek gods Ares and Hermes in a grand session of buttsecks that may never be equaled.: 1.08
Chuck Norris once raped Simon Cowell. This explains why he's such an asshole.: 3.125
Chuck Norris does have a weakness... midgets. The roundhouse kicks fly right over their heads.: 2.543
Chuck Norris once declared war on the city of Atlantis. He won.: 5.976
If Chuck Norris kicks you in the balls, your testicles will be shot out of your mouth and up to Pluto.: 3.386
Newton's little known 4th Law states that the impact velocity of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks is directly proportional to the orbiting motion of planets around the sun.: 2.827
Chuck Norris doesn't like Jared from Subway. He was quoted as saying, "I can't respect anyone that eats sandwiches to lose weight. Jared is a bitch.": 2.811
Chuck Norris' urine can burn through steel.: 4.415
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic was not sunk by an iceberg but rather a patented Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.: 4.09
When God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden, Chuck Norris stayed because God was too afraid to ask him to leave.: 4.86
A picture is worth a thousand words.  Chuck Norris' picture is worth the entire works of Shakespeare.: 3.714
In an alternate universe, the clean-shave Chuck Norris of the 1970s is engaged in an epic battle with the bearded Chuck Norris of the 80s and 90s. The result of this conflict is the Aurora Borealis.: 3.509
Chuck Norris once hit someone so hard that he created a hole in the 5th dimension. He then went back in time through the hole and tried to save the dinosaurs from becoming extinct. He saved a few of the dinosaurs by carrying them on his back through the time portal. The dinosaurs he saved starred in all three of the Jurassic Park movies.: 2.372
There was once a time where Stephen Hawking could move and talk like a regular human being. This all ended when he beat Chuck Norris in a game of Bop-it.: 6.068
Up until the pilot episode, "Walker, Texas Ranger" was actually titled "Shitcock and the Double Fist". Then, for just one episode, it became "Walker, Texas Raper", wherein Norris actually raped the state of Texas.: 2.134
The mathematical proof "For every number x, there is x+1" does not apply to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris cannot be recreated, reproduced, cloned, or otherwise duplicated in any way, shape, or form.: 2.982
At a massage parlor, Chuck Norris once requested that his scrotum be rubbed as well.  The poor woman giving his massage had to find 18 other women for his left testicle alone.: 6.136
The beard of Chuck Norris is made from wood, gold and sesame.: 1.862
Peter Jackson initially wanted Chuck Norris to star in Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately, the entire trilogy would've been 12 hours shorter and full of dead hobbits.: 5.941
Chuck Norris once passed a kidney stone the size of a baseball. The stone is on display as a moon rock at NASA.: 4.875
Chuck Norris keeps Conan O'Brien's testicles in a jar next to his Bible.: 3.14
Chuck Norris once found his way into an alternate dimension in which God had decided Chuck was too powerful and had split his strength into several pieces. Chuck left in disgust when he found out that the largest piece was called Goku and spent its time flying around chasing Dragonballs.: 1.358
Chuck Norris got drunk and fucked the Statue of Liberty, then bragged about it to the Lincoln Memorial.: 3.756
Chuck Norris can walk faster than a speeding bullet, his beard is more powerful than a locomotive train, and he can destroy tall buildings with a single roundhouse kick. His unparalleled sense of humor allows him to laugh at Superman for running and jumping like a sissy.: 2.941
Chuck Norris ejaculates C-4 explosives and uses his manly emissions to eliminate inner city pre-schools.: 2.16
9/11 really wasn't a terrorist attack, it was just some planes who encountered Chuck Norris on a bad day.: 2.272
Chuck Norris recently bought Pandora's box on eBay.: 4.303
Chuck Norris doesn't use a preist to exorcise his demons. He swallows his fist and beats the demon out of him.: 5.5
Babies don't cry when they are born because a doctor slaps them on their butt. They cry because every baby is born with the innate fear of the fact that Chuck Norris still roams the Earth.: 6.187
Chuck Norris was forced to attend anger management class. The next morning the instructor's head was found in Chuck's bedpan.: 3.905
For Chuck Norris, pimping is easy.: 2.722
Chuck Norris let the dogs out, a year later relized that a group of singers were asking about it so he adopted two ethiopian children, and ate them.: 3.958
Chuck Norria uses a live rattlesnake as a condom.: 2.779
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.: 5.878
Chuck Norris can kill you in seven different languages.: 4.417
Chuck Norris invented water so he could walk on it.: 4.564
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.  When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch.": 5.383
Mott's apple juice originally started as an inside joke between Chuck Norris and his invisible friend. His invisible friend bet him that he couldn't urinate into bottles and sell it to people.: 4.878
Chuck Norris will eat your soul for a Klondike Bar.: 4.111
Chuck Norris' snores so loud, the Japanese think Armageddon is coming.: 2.622
Literally translated from the ancient tongue of Atlantis the name Chuck Norris means "Little sissy". Sadly, Atlantis is no more.: 4.666
Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.: 7.394
"There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.": 5.148
The "Fantastic Four" is a nick name for Chuck Norris and his package.: 5.766
Chuck Norris doesn't need birth control. His sperm destroys the egg.: 4.795
Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.: 5.639
Chuck Norris hates the story of Robin Hood because Chuck Norris is filthy rich. If Robin Hood had tried take Chuck's money and give it to the poor, there would be no Legend of Robin Hood, only the Legend of How Chuck Norris Killed Robin Hood and Fed Him to Bears.: 5.79
Chuck Norris built the entire continent of Asia in two days using just a spoon and Teen People magazine.: 3.512
Chuck Norris can throw a 135 mph fastball with his moustache.: 2.711
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.: 6.018
Chuck Norris can satisfy a woman just by looking at her. If he smiles, she can't walk right for a week.: 5.414
Chuck Norris' case of the crabs is worth 5 million in the Chinese crabbing industry.: 3.31
Chuck Norris once ran over a little girl's bike and laughed for three days. Sadly, the little girl was still on her bike.: 4.795
Chuck Norris is only 1 of 3 people who are allowed to divide by zero: 3.666
Chuck Norris suffers from congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis and therefore does not feel pain. Unfortunately for us, he also does not feel remorse.: 3.793
Rumour has it that the semen from Chuck Norris' six-foot wang can cure leukemia, especially in small children.: 1.553
The Virgin Mary saw Chuck Norris in her grilled cheese sandwich.: 6.625
Chuck Norris doesn't use cordial, he uses WD-40.: 3.326
Chuck Norris is the reason you have a penis.: 3.222
Chuck Norris came up with an idea for the perfect video game character. He was an Italian plumber from who gained special powers from mushrooms and stars.  When he found out that Nintendo had beat him to the punch, Chuck Norris and Mothra destroyed a Nintendo factory.  Then Chuck turned on Mothra and ate him.: 3.04
Chuck Norris once stared a man to death.: 4.078
During the filming of the Total Gym infomercial, Christie Brinkley messed up a line.  Chuck Norris then impaled her with a Total Gym.: 3.591
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.: 6.312
Chuck Norris uses a hedgehog as a pillow.: 4.6
Chuck Norris made it to the finals of the World's Softest Punch Contest, and lost.  The man who should have won is dead.: 3.689
Chuck Norris was supposed to be the next face on Mt. Rushmore. Unfortunately the granite is not a hard enough materiel to replicate Chuck Norris' beard.: 4.479
After one roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris, the earth is still rotating.: 5.509
Chuck Norris invented the measurment the "yard", as it was much more appealing to say than, "Hi, my name is Chuck Norris and my dick is three feet long.": 5.352
Tom Cruise is actually impotent. Katie Holmes is pregnant thanks to Chuck Norris.: 4.186
Chuck Norris has the copyright on each one of the many ways to skin a cat.: 3.488
As a child Chuck Norris was known throughout Texas for his increadible roundhouse kicking ability. Subsequently Chuck was recruited relentlessly by area soccer coaches. At the end of his first game The Chuck recorded 21 hat tricks. When told every game ends in a tie. The Chuck gave a roundhouse kick across the refs forehead and stole the opposing teams juice boxes. Chuck Norris Always Wins.: 5.796
Chuck Norris has never harmed an innocent person. Although, his definition of "innocent" only includes himself and his mother.: 5.214
Chuck Norris' beard contains the meaning of life.: 4.465
Chuck Norris once went back in time to the pre historic era, to exact revenge on a T-Rex that ate an ancestor. On seeing how perfect and round his roundhouse kick was, the cave men were inspired to invent the wheel.: 4.968
Chuck Norris used the majority of the money he made for Missing in Action II to have the inside of his wife's vagina lined with denim.: 5.76
Chuck Norris won the Kentucky Derby by shooting the horses with an AK-47 filled with carrots. He then proceeded to barbeque all the jockeys for a short meal.: 2.629
On September 12, 2003, a girl was born who not feel pain named Alison Winters. On March 10, 1940, a man was born who could not feel pain named Chuck Norris.: 1.621
Chuck Norris recently parted the Red Sea, so he could win a bet with God. Chuck is now immortal and is currently debating with God that he could beat him in an arm wrestling match.: 2.746
Chuck Norris wipes standing up.: 3.538
Five days ago Chuck Norris found out about this fact website. After sacrificing many a small child with consecutive round house kicks for not being informed of it previously, he sat down and kept clicking "new fact" to search for one that was false. His quest continues to this day.: 5.641
The government called upon Chuck Norris to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas. Chuck Norris rode on top of rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherry bomb. Needless to say the asteroid lost.: 5.134
The Tower of Pisa leans because Chuck Norris kicked it once while on vacation.: 4.977
Chuck Norris wasn't born a virgin.: 5.172
It takes an Omish town one day to put up a barn. It takes one minute for Chuck Norris to have sex with all the Omish women in the barn then kick the barn down.: 3.813
Who would win in a fight, Chuck Norris or God? Trick question, Norris is God: 4.272
Bill Gates once wagered Microsoft that Chuck Norris couldn't crash Windows Vista. Accepting this wager, Chuck Norris proceeded to load a Walker Texas Ranger DVD into the drive. Overloaded with its sheer awesomeness, Vista returned the message "All your base are belong to us". Microsoft remains under Bill's name for tax purposes.: 4.729
The purpose of the hit counter at the bottom of your screen is actually how many times Chuck Norris has had sex with your mother.: 4.046
We are all but figments of Chuck Norris's imagination.: 4.096
Chuck Norris goes shark fishing every week. He just rolls around in blood and then goes surfing.: 5.173
Chuck Norris has trained his penis to roundhouse kick hookers in the head when they aren't sucking it properly.: 4.222
Chuck Norris' beard devours small children.: 3.547
Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a blow torch. He fuels the torch with his own breath.: 2.894
"One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by it's technical term: Jupiter.": 3.9
Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".: 4.166
The only reason sperm whales are named as they are is because Chuck Norris named them that when he dicovered they were the only animals that could deep throat him.: 3.159
"The photographs of the citizens of Germany tearing down the Berlin Wall were staged.  President Ronald Reagan personally asked Chuck Norris to single handedly tear down the symbol of Soviet oppression.  Chuck Norris gladly took on the task.  Chuck Norris hates communism. ": 3.254
Chuck Norris once laughed so hard after seeing a midget fall down a flight of stairs, that he ripped a hole in the space-time continuum, thus creating the phenomena of deja vu.: 3.413
Chuck Norris' beard hair, much like tiger penis and deer antler, is believed to be an aphrodesiac in China.: 5.396
Chuck Norris is the only man alive to play a H note on guitar.: 3.812
Chuck Norris throws midgets for fun. He used to do it competitively, but it all ended horribly when he killed the pope.: 3.745
There is a level on the Richter Scale called a "Chuck Norris." You have never heard his name used because an earthquake of that magnitude would destroy the world.: 4.066
Chuck Norris once walked an old woman across the street.  When a car didn't stop for him, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the car so hard he created the first mini.  Then he roundhouse kicked the old lady for good measure.: 4.219
Few people know that President Jimmy Carter appointed Chuck Norris as Secretary of Awesome in 1978. This cabinet level position was later rescinded in 1981 after Norris refused to give up his title.: 3.92
It turns out that God *can* create a rock he can't lift. But Chuck Norris can lift it.: 2.322
When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.: 6.737
On a freezing cold day, Chuck Norris' breath is not visible and his tongue will not stick to a metal pole.: 2.742
"Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.": 6.203
The word "chuck" was named after Chuck Norris when he hurled his children through steel walls.: 3.79
In order to wake up in the morning, Chuck Norris had to make his own alarm clock. It is made of 3 pieces of paper, a paper clip, one dozen shotgun shells, and MacGyver.: 4.673
You better buy Chuck Norris a Father's Day present, because he is your daddy.: 4.173
Chuck Norris fights illiteracy one North Vietnamese at a time: 3.928
A full-scale replica of Chuck Norris' penis was erected in Toronto. It was named the CN tower in his honor.: 5.593
The idea for the submarine first came about durring the Civil War, when a model of Chuck Norris' penis was found. Unfortunatly, Confederate scientists were unable to duplicate the length or girth.: 2.23
The heavens parted, the seas quieted, the earth stood still. From her womb, the goddess brought forth Chuck Norris, sired by the sun, as a gift to mankind. He layed upon the fertile soil under the crescent moon and immediately sprouted a beard. She spoke softly to the young child and said, "Go forth and roundhouse kick people in the face." So it was spoken, and so he does. Every now and then he also sells exercise equipment and wears awesome clothes.: 4.132
Chuck Norris will not die, he will be no more.: 2.44
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.: 6.75
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.: 5.115
Chuck Norris invented Viagra to see if he could go from 8.5 feet to an even 10.: 4.921
There are 240 white dots in a Pacman arcade game. Chuck Norris can get 243, and he uses them as projectiles against those pussy ghosts.: 4.125
Chuck Norris was once fed music staff paper on accident. When he defecated later that night, the remains of the paper was a beautiful piece. He gave it to his friend Beethoven, who called it his fifth symphony. Chuck was angry that Beethoven had not given him any of the money he made, so he shot Beethoven in the ear, resulting in deafness.: 2.088
Every morning, Chuck Norris is woken up by a beautiful supermodel. Chuck Norris, however, likes to sleep late, so he usually pushes the snooze button. (Chuck Norris defines "push the snooze button" as "punch in the face".): 3.928
The reason men castrate themselves is because they're afraid of getting kicked in balls by Chuck Norris.: 3.92
If Chuck Norris was the Miami Heat coach, your damn sure Shaquille O'Neal would make his free throws.: 4.285
Chuck Norris wanted to become a Jedi, but when he tried the council said he was tpo old. The events that followed became known as the Jedi Purge.: 5.217
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris' secret to success is not his beard nor roundhouse kicks, but rather a steady diet of baby flesh.: 2.38
Chuck Norris once flushed himself down a toilet to fight an allegator. After defeating the beast with one swift round house kick, he went home to eat his neighbor's children.: 3.689
Chuck Norris once lit a fart while camping in the Sahara forest.: 5.38
It takes Chuck Norris four hours to get ready in the morning. All but ten minutes is used to get rid of his morning wood.: 4.448
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.: 6.037
Rather then drink a cup of coffee every morning, Chuck Norris pours the whole pot on his genitals every morning. He laughs because it tickles.: 6.066
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because of Chuck Norris.: 4.196
"Chuck Norris started riding a Segway to work during filming of Season 2 of Walker Texas Ranger, a full ten years before the Segway was â\x80\x9Cinvented.â\x80\x9D  Rather than a wheel on each side, his featured 30, 1/3 sized replicas of his legs arranged in a radial pattern, effectively roundhouse kicking any terrain he encountered. ": 2.653
Chuck Norris' mirror does not tell him how good he looks. It does, however, tell him which people do have such a mirror so Chuck can roundhouse kick them to death, for no one deserves to look better than Mr. Norris.: 4.515
Earthquakes occur when Chuck Norris wants to make a milkshake.: 3.238
Chuck Norris caddied for the Dalai Lama once. Instead of giving him money, the Lama offered Chuck the ability to receieve total conciousness on his death bed. Clearly upset by this offer, Chuck roundhouse kicked him off a 10,000 ft crevasse.: 3.341
"Chuck Norris once had a myspace, but once he found out he couldn't E-Roundhouse kick spammers, he deleted his account. ": 2.695
Chuck Norris once went into a room with ten bad guys in it, but only had nine bullets. He came out without a scratch, and a full clip.: 5.1
In 1993 interview with Barbara Walters, Chuck Norris admitted to once punching a hurricane in the face.  Walters retorted, "Hurricanes have eyes, but don't, in fact, have faces." to which Norris replied, "Watch your mouth, Hurricane Walters": 5.83
In his youth, Chuck Norris did not play dress-up; he just killed people and used their bodies as costumes.: 3.959
Chuck Norris can pause live TV...without using a TiVO. He just tells it to hold still while he gets his roast beef sandwich.: 6.304
Chuck Norris is God's apology for creating Mexicans.: 3.595
Chuck Norris is said to be extremely violent, and thats on a good day: 3.538
Last winter, Chuck Norris proved how awsome he was by cloning him self and then round-house kicking the shit out of his clone. This then proved the statement,"Chuck Norris can round-house kick the shit out of anybody, including himself.": 2.224
NASA's origional saying at a space launch was, "3, 2, 1, CHUCK NORRIS!": 3.166
Chuck Norris helped the Egyptians construct the pyramids using a primitive form of the Total Body Gym exercise machine to lift giant stone blocks up great heights.: 4.357
Chuck Norris is a sensitive soul who writes beautiful poetry under a female pseudonym. But if he ever catches you reading it, he'll kick your pansy ass.: 4.169
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer.  Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.: 7.032
"It is written that the Apocalypse Age would be ushered in by four horsemen: Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, and Chuck Norris.": 4.326
"Chuck Norris was created in a test tube with the semen from a ninja, a lumberjack, and a pirate.  This is why in his spare time he has been known to roundhouse kick down trees, build a pirate ship out of them, and proceed to plunder a small village.  ": 4.41
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women 65 and older. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.: 3.833
The biggest mistake Clint Eastwood ever made is when he told Chuck Norris to make his day.: 3.826
Chuck Norris once won the pole position for the Indy 500 running bare foot on broken glass but refused to race when he found out the other pussy ass driver really used cars.: 3.282
Chuck Norris was once accused of heresy by the Pope, but as it turns out, Chuck Norris is, in fact, the true son of god.: 2.98
Chuck Norris's favorite vegetable is Terri Schiavo.: 5.414
Scientists are trying to determine whether it is possible for Chuck Norris to deliver a roundhouse kick so powerful that even Chuck Norris himself could not withstand it. Much of the research centers around Chuck Norris' beard, which is believed to be his source of ultimate power.: 5.034
Chuck Norris can impregnate women by simply raising his right eyebrown. He can impregnate men by raising his left eyebrow but he doesn't bother because he doesn't want a world like that crap Ahnuld film "Junior".: 2.183
There are two types of women.  Those who want to sleep with Chuck Norris, and those who want to sleep with Chuck Norris again.: 6.02
Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. He wrote them under pen-names to hide that they are autobiographical.: 3.148
Chuck Norris is the founder of all modern Psychoanalysis.: 1.847
The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Chuck Norris except for the part about planting apple trees and not raping men.: 3.062
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggot.: 5.636
"In 1988 Chuck Norris walked into Hanna-Barbera studios armed with an AK-47 and held the writting team of Scooby-Doo hostage until they agreed never to use the character Scrappy-Doo in any of their cartoons ever again. Norris was awarded with the Congressional Medal of Honor for this act. ": 4.52
Tim Horton is Chuck Norris' only living son.: 1.615
Chuck Norris once saw his reflection in the mirror and challenged himself to a deathmatch. This quandary caused the universe to implode.: 3.023
The dinosaurs were not killed by a comet. Chuck Norris destroyed it before impact. He then yelled "sike!" and proceeded to kill every dinosaur his bare hands.: 5.021
Chuck Norris once beat the dictionary in a spelling bee.  He then killed the judges merely by flexing his penis.: 3.074
"Native American's call \"Indian burns\" \"Chuck Norris\" burns.  ": 6.631
When Chuck Norris was six, he spit off a bridge over an interstate and caused a 89 car pile up. He has a picture of it on his mantel.: 4.652
Jesus turned water into wine. Chuck Norris taught him how.: 3.759
"The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins. ": 6.711
Chuck Norris solved a rubic's cube so fast someone watching exploded immediately.: 3.363
Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.: 3.617
Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.: 6.617
Chuck Norris' facial hair is known to cut diamonds.: 3.413
Chuck Norris does not drink water. He simply swallows his own saliva. One teaspoon of Chuck Norris' saliva contains 100% of the recommended daily allowance of every vitamin and mineral known to man.: 3.512
Chuck Norris let the dogs out. Then fucking slaughtered them all.: 2.86
Chuck Norris is single-handedly responsible for the creation of every sexual-education video in history.: 4.458
Chuck Norris invented the rainbow. Soon thereafter, he roundhouse kicked that rainbow because he thought it looked gay.: 3.96
The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with Chuck Norris' highly potent seed.: 4.86
Chuck Norris's brain played Krang in the popular television show "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". His brain was often caught sleeping with April O'Neil.: 3.836
Chuck Norris once took 12 NoDoz pills and then slept for 48 straight hours, just to prove a point.: 5.083
In 1929 the stock market crashed. The reason this happened was because of a fight between Chuck Norris and Godzilla. Many people bet on Godzilla.: 3.875
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.: 6.672
Chuck Norris actually invented the "Sonic Boom". Capcom thought it was so awesome that they used him as the basis for the Street Fighter character Guile.: 2.659
Chuck Norris can kick a fart back into an ass.: 5.5
When the Earth was first formed a solitary Chuck Norris roamed it. He found the largest rock he could and roundhoused it. This rock is now called the moon. Chuck Norris then jacked off into the ocean and spawned life.: 4.444
Chuck Norris once headbutted all five Baldwin brothers simultaneously. They then promptly apologized for saying "kung fu is for kung fags," and bought Norris a $200 gift certficiate to T.G.I. Friday's. Norris has yet to use the gift card.: 2.842
Chuck Norris doesn't have a beard, he saves a hair from every man he kills and glues it to his chin.: 3.727
If you shout his name out your window, Chuck Norris will hear you.: 3.482
When Abraham Lincoln was building his log cabin, Chuck Norris sat under a shady elm tree, drinking lemonade. When Abe asked Chuck for a sip to quench his thirst, Chuck Norris stared at him in the eye and poured the lemonade into the ground. He then round-house kicked Lincoln's teeth out.: 3.823
"Chuck Norris is believed to have single handedly created and destroyed the z-cavaricci fad.  ": 2.23
Nobel Laureate Adolf Friedrich Johann Butenandt in 1939 made a fatal mistake when he didn't credit Chuck Norris with the discovery of testosterone.: 3.19
"Nostradamus' prophecies regarding Chuck Norris: In the coming year President Bush's approval rating will fall to a dismal 4.8%. Fueled by the support of this web-site Chuck Norris will take power in the bloodiest revolution man has ever seen. Steven Segal will be named vice president, and Jean Claude Van Dam the secretary of defense. Focusing on foreign policy, Norris will end the fight between Jews and Muslims over the Holy Land by eliminating Jews and Arabs completely and renaming the Holy Land Texas-2. With Jews and Arabs gone the economy will boom, the entertainment industry will collapse, and local Dunkin Donuts shall be found abandoned. Norris will go on to expel all illegal immigrants into France via the roundhouse kick. France will become gayest, laziest, and filthiest country in world history and will be eliminated completely in Chuck's second term. At this point it will be realized that the second coming of Christ has occurred, and Chuck Norris will replace the Holy Spirit as part of the Holy Trinity. Global warming will eventually destroy all living things, except Chuck Norris. Norris will asexually reproduce, forming a second Chuck Norris. An argument regarding beard grooming will cause the greatest battle conceivable. When both Chucks roundhouse each other simultaneously the universe will be destroyed. Ironically only the Norris's beard particles will have been strong enough to continue existence. The beards will stand as proof that the only universal force in the world is Chuck Norris.": 3.627
Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talkin' about.: 5.535
The dinosaurs were not killed by a comet. Chuck Norris destroyed it before impact. He then yelled "psyche!" and proceeded to kill every dinosaur his bare hands.: 3.764
"Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.": 3.195
Despite what your family, your doctor, even what your geneaolgy says, Chuck Norris IS your daddy.: 4.0
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!": 6.422
Chuck Norris once fought of 767 wild Grizzly bears which is why they are now endangered.: 2.259
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.: 7.062
Although Spiderman's spidey sense is impressive, Chuck Norris has a roundhouse sense that allows him to kick ass before the ass even shows up.: 6.912
Chuck Norris' arch-enemy used his stealth mode ability to hide from Chuck Norris in New Orleans. Subsequently, Chuck Norris created Hurricane Katrina to flood the bitch out.: 2.98
The "C-section" is named after Chuck Norris, for when he roundhouse kicked himself through his mothers stomach.: 6.807
When a phone rings, there is a 58% chance that it's for Chuck Norris.: 4.425
Chuck Norris made a sequel to Pretty Woman, in which he repeatedly roundhouse kicks Julia Roberts in the face for 90 minutes. He ends with the line "Not so pretty now, are ya BEEEEYATCH!!!": 3.319
Chuck Norris doesnt step on toes, he steps on necks.: 4.437
Chuck Norris contracted every STD known to man, just to show that STD's are for pussies.: 2.294
When Chuck Norris plays checkers and reaches the other side of the board, he says "Chuck Norris Me": 6.4
Chuck Norris' buddy icon is a picture of Tony Danza fellating himself.: 3.877
"If you have ever wondered why Chuck Norris does not play any professional sports, it's because there are laws in place on every other player's insurance policies which generate to null and void if in fact Chuck Norris is participating in any way. ": 2.911
Iraq didn't really have weapons of mass destruction, Chuck Norris was just visiting for a week while on vacation.: 4.492
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a waitress because his steak didn't have a beard.: 4.224
Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.: 6.321
"Contrary to popular belief, there are no \"Walker: Texas Ranger\" reruns. Since Chuck is such a dedicated actor he re-enacts each episode live, the stations just call in an episode. The lack of new material is due to the mass roundhouse kick murders of the writers, who all asked Chuck to shave his beard.": 5.979
Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to be roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.: 3.812
Chuck Norris doesn't use emoticons when he's online, he simply slams his fist through the screen to emphasize his point.: 5.24
Chuck Norris only goes to the mall to tell little children there is no such person as Santa Claus....then he goes to Cinnabon.: 3.629
Chuck Norris is the reigning cock push-up champion of the world.: 2.977
Chuck Norris can make the Kessel Run in less than 10 parsecs.: 3.702
Dick Cheney actually shot Chuck Norris in the chest, but the pellets riccocheted off his chest hair, injuring a lawyer.  Chuck said that if the sun hadn't been in his eyes, he'd have killed him.: 4.357
Chuck Norris pees sitting down. This is because Chuck is so well-endowed he has to throw his penis over his shoulder and urinate behind his own ass.: 4.464
Chuck Norris keeps a Total Gym in his backpack that he wears at all times. If at any point Chuck feels like his masculinity is questioned, he will bust out the Total Gym, rip his shirt off, and start working out at a cardio-vascular pace. All while repeating "Look how hairy I am!" over and over again.: 2.148
Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills.  They made him blink.: 6.758
"Fool Chuck Norris once; shame on you. Fool him twice; good-bye teeth.  ": 4.611
Chuck Norris is what happens when Bigfoot and the Yeti get drunk.: 3.659
When Chuck Norris gets a headache, he doesn't reach for Advil, he reaches for a syringe and horse tranquilizers.: 1.8
Chuck Norris forever altered the course of rock music when, upon request, he personally dispatched Pete Best from the Beatles and Syd Barret from Pink Floyd.: 3.051
Christopher Reeve said he fell off a horse because he didn't want to admit Chuck Norris paralyzed him with a roundhouse kick.: 3.698
For every time the phrase "roundhouse kick" appears on this website, Chuck Norris will bomb an African village.: 4.7
Chuck Norris singlehandledy discovered the fifth element while jacking off to Michael Jackson's "Beat it": 3.437
When Chuck Norris stares in the sky, clouds sweat out of fear. We call this rain.: 6.138
Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erect penis.: 2.075
Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.: 6.058
Chuck Norris is so ahead of his time thats his parents havent even met yet.: 4.358
Chuck Norris has made it his life's work to sodomize every new penguin that comes into this world. This the reason penguins can't fly.: 3.447
A waitress at a Western Sizzler accidentally gave Chuck Norris a well-done steak instead of a rare steak. Chuck proceeded to have sex with her on the table and said "Now that's well-done!" The waitress replied "That's pretty rare too!" Chuck proceeded to have sex with her 15 more times just to prove her wrong.: 4.673
Chuck Norris can solve every geometry proof simply by writing "Because Chuck says so".: 5.812
Chuck Norris could make God atheist if he wanted to.: 5.48
Chuck Norris is bound by law never to wink at any girl ages 14 to 32. The last time he did wink was when he was opening for a New Kids on the Block concert. As a result the 16,037 girls in attendence were imediately impregnated and each child had developed a red beard by the age of 5 days.: 4.814
Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.: 3.47
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Nothing can keep Chuck Norris away.: 6.062
Chuck Norris can't look at Mexicans without vomiting.: 3.416
Chuck Norris is Grendel's mother's mother.: 2.068
If a tree falls down in the forest, it does not make a sound. Unless Chuck Norris tells it to.: 4.607
Chuck Norris will never "kick the bucket", instead he will obliterate the bucket, becoming the first person to live forever, keeping the world safe from alien invasions.: 2.736
Maybe you've heard of the two heavenly bodies we know as the Sun and the Moon. They're actually Chuck Norris' Testicles.: 3.25
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.: 6.075
The sun is 93 million miles away from the Earth, and it takes light 9 minutes to get here. It takes light 10 minutes to reach Chuck Norris, because it has to ask permission before illuminating him.: 5.207
On the first day of kindergarten, Chuck Norris brought his teacher an apple. When he realized the entire class had also brought apples he swiftly roundhouse kicked them into submission and replaced his apple with a copy of Missing in Action.: 4.92
When asked to comment on the television show "Magnum P.I", Chuck Norris said "I never liked the show because Tom Sellick's moustache was a lousy piece of shit.": 3.763
"There really are two ways to kill a werewolf:  a silver bullet and Chuck Norris.  Only, Chuck Norris is a werewolf and can outrun a silver bullet.": 3.134
One time a bee tried to sting Chuck Norris. He just laughed at it and blew it up with his laser vision.: 3.25
A man once attempted to give Chuck Norris a hug.  Chuck proceeded to kick the crap out of the man.  Chuck Norris' father was confined to a wheelchair from that day on.: 6.382
Chuck Norris is the real father of Britney's baby, despite the fact that he's had 13 vasectomies. Chaoticians around the world cite the reason for this as being, "Life finds a way.": 3.77
When Chuck Norris claps, he doesn't use his hands. Rather, he finds the two closest people and slams them together repeatedly.: 6.043
"\"Chuck E. Cheese's\" was originally named \"Chuck Norris's,\" but after one too many children died in roundhouse-related incidencts, management decided to take the franchise in a new direction.  ": 4.333
If you ever get close enough to look, you will see that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are, in fact, all Chuck Norris.: 4.847
Chuck Norris uses lesser men as currency.: 3.489
"On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at.  Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her.  After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her.  When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, \"Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?\"\x9D  All of the eggs cowered in the corner.  The same thing happened at the other ovary.  \"I didn't fucking think so!\"  shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls.  Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, \"Don't ever waste my time again.\"": 4.923
Chuck Norris eats coal and poops diamonds.: 3.704
On the seventh day, God rested, and Chuck Norris said, "Get your lazy ass back to work." So he did: 3.422
Chuck Norris began the Church of England in 1799, back when his nickname was "England".: 4.194
Chuck Norris once injested Pop Rocks while drinking Coke, and lived to tell about it. He then proceeded to bitch slap the Pope for saying how much Walker Texas Ranger sucked.: 2.263
Chuck Norris ended the Civil War with a massive roundhouse kick the he referred to as the Emancipation Proclamation.: 2.673
Chuck Norris once ate a Mongolian child's brain with his nipples.: 2.4
Chuck Norris doesn't have a reflection in the mirror. It hides.: 4.918
Chuck Norris shot at 50 Cent 9 times, but didn't finsh him because he wanted to do it with a roundhouse kick to the face. But 50 Cent ran in horror.: 2.583
Chuck Norris likes his women like he likes his whiskey. Twelve years old and all mixed up with coke.: 5.433
Chuck Norris once had sex on the beach. The lucky woman exploded from the sheer force of his ejaculation. However his sperm lived on and occasionally wash up on shore, where they are mistakenly identified as giant squid.: 5.85
When writing "Romeo & Juliet" Shakespeare originally thought about Chuck Norris to play Romeo but in the end this could not happen because no poison could kill Chuck Norris. Ever.: 6.675
Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.: 3.931
Chuck Norris has sperm so potent it is being stored in a nuclear bunker to repopulate the Earth after an Extinction Level Event.: 4.395
Chuck Norris built Rome in a day. Consequently, all roads lead to Chuck Norris too.: 5.191
"Chuck Norris snorts anthrax. ": 4.324
Chuck Norris has been Around The World in 80 minutes.: 2.555
Chuck Norris invented the Penguin.: 2.26
Chuck Norris can make mute people scream.: 4.65
Chuck Norris once saved a cat from a tree, which was on fire, while being struck by lightning and bit by sharks at the same time.: 2.586
Chuck Norris once secretly fought Bruce Lee.  It was an epic battle.  The battle ended when Chuck and Bruce both punched each other in the heart at the same time.  They both died.  Bruce Lee was later buried.  Chuck Norris was resurrected by God because he was mistaken for Jesus: 3.923
When Saddam Hussein was captured by US forces, he stated that he "would like to negotiate". Negotiations immediately broke down when Saddam was informed that Chuck Norris was waiting outside.: 5.5
The Titanic would not have sunk if Chuck Norris was on board.: 3.333
Just for kicks, every Friday night Chuck Norris drives his minivan through Harlem yelling "Hey nigga" at everyone with a gun.: 5.816
Chuck Norris is a lot like fine wine because he only gets better with age, and if you hang around with him long enough, you'll probably wake up in a daze, with no money, and a boot mark imprinted in your skull.: 5.571
Chuck Norris drives Optimus-Prime to work.: 6.0
Chuck Norris doesn't need any reflexes, Chuck Norris can freeze time.: 4.406
Chuck Norris has not killed more people than heart attacks yet, but that's only because heart attacks don't do charity work on the side.: 5.884
If you show Rock and Chuck Norris shows Scissors, Chuck Norris wins. Chuck Norris always wins.: 6.411
Once Chuck Norris had cancer, due to it his beard had fallen off. So ashamed of not having his manly beard, he put on a black wig and renamed himself Steven Seagal through 1980-2000.: 4.461
"Ever wonder how bacon was created? Chuck Norris karate chopped a pig so many times so all that was left were thin strips of meat. He then cooked them with his fire breathing ability and bacon was invented. His beard suggested the name. ": 3.358
Chuck Norris does not, in fact, wear cowboy boots, or any other kind of shoes. This is because the skin of his feet and lower legs is already tougher than leather, and occasionally adopts a nifty snakeskin look besides.: 2.8
You know why Jesus has a beard? Because he's really Chuck Norris. He just has to fake his death and change names ever 30-90 years.: 2.2
Chuck Norris' sweat is actually pure whiskey.: 3.75
Chuck Norris once sneezed on a woman at the bank and got her pregnant.: 4.702
Chuck Norris will never die. Instead, he will go nova.: 4.431
Chuck Norris claims to have invented the telephone, the computer, the waffle iron and television. No one has ever disputed this.: 3.653
The only reason it is not called "The CBS Evening News with Chuck Norris" is that Dan Rather once pulled a thorn out of Chuck's paw.: 2.733
One day Chuck Norris was taking a walk when a group of kids asked approched him and asked him if he could get their ball off the roof of a nearby building. He did so by tilting the building on one side so the ball rolled off. That is the true reason the Tower of Pisa is leaning.: 3.461
Chuck Norris invented kryptonite because he thought Superman was "too cocky".: 5.434
Chuck Norris has to carry a permit for concealed weapons every time he wears long-sleeved shirts or pants.: 6.281
Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high five.: 4.258
Chuck Norris prefers Pepsi to Coke, McDonald's to Burger King, and, surprisingly, Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper.  When asked why, Chuck Norris responded with, "I don't trust Doctors."  Then, he shot lasers out of his eyes, and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.: 2.93
Osama Bin Laden is really hiding from Chuck Norris: 2.6
One must promptly recognize Chuck Norris... always. One time, my buddy said, "Is that Chuck N-", and his head exploded.: 5.065
"\"Alien vs Predator\" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.": 5.423
Chuck Norris can lift a mountain over his head with one arm and make a perfect pitcher of Kool Aid with the other.: 4.2
The percentage of male homosexuals tripled soon after the pilot run for "Walker Texas Ranger".  Acts of violence against male homosexuals increased sevenfold.  Chuck Norris hates to be hit on by dudes.: 6.054
Chuck Norris eats coal and shits diamonds.: 4.288
Chuck Norris once held an anti-government protest in Washington. At the news, the government was so terrified that it disbanded immediately and declared Chuck the new President. Though pleased, Chuck's only intent had been to lure in dirty hippies to kick their asses.: 4.482
Chuck Norris ejaculated into the pacific ocean, the impact of his shot created a major catastrophe that the media described to us as the Tsunami.: 2.418
Chuck Norris has killed every single person who has ever called him "Chucky" except one. That person is Chuck's childhood freind, Jay Leno.: 3.51
Chuck Norris is the first black man to have white skin and red hair.: 5.17
Chuck Norris is so smart, Steven Hawking stood up to bow down to him.: 5.133
Chuck Norris knows MacGyver's first name.: 5.875
"When news of a possible terrorist attack reached U.S. shores, the Department Of Homeland Security raised the security level from Amber to Chuck Norris.  ": 4.34
"It's no coincidence that the tattoo on Mike Tyson's face and the sole of Chuck Norris' boot share the same pattern. ": 6.659
Chuck Norris once claimed that Clear Pepsi, "was for queers." The following day, Pepsi pulled the product from shelves.: 4.0
If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.: 6.604
If you call him "Chuckster" to his face, Chuck Norris will end you. Coincedentily, he will do the same if you pass by him on his right side.: 4.195
While pruning Chuck Norris' beard, an idea was conceived by an unknown barber. Consequently, the birth of steel wool occurred.: 3.583
Chuck Norris can mix oil and water.: 4.45
Chuck Norris doesn't see problems. Chuck Norris only sees victims.: 6.472
Chuck Norris' turds don't float, they swim.: 5.833
One time Chuck Norris went to the mall to tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas; a Jean-Claude Van Dam punching bag and a bucket full of screaming year old children. When Santa said he couldn't do it, Chuck Norris ate Santa's elves, fucked Mrs. Claus and then roundhouse kicked Santa in the face.: 4.21
In his spare time Chuck Norris hangs outside Blockbuster Video,  waiting for someone to rent "The Notebook" so he can kick their ass.: 6.735
Nails wish they were as tough as Chuck Norris.: 4.62
Chuck Norris invented Halloween and Pants, yet he refuses to wear pants on Halloween: 4.222
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff AND the deputy. He then occupied the position of deputy.: 3.744
Chuck Norris punches kittens for sheer enjoyment.: 4.0
Chuck Norris Saved President Bush from choking on a pretzel by roundhouse kicking him in the throat.  Chuck didn't Realize he was choking, he just wanted to roundhouse kick him in the throat.: 5.545
"Chuck Norris once said, \"A strong man can fight, but a real man will end a fight; I am that real man,\" to a retarded child. ": 3.174
If Chuck Norris was president, terrorists would not exist.: 3.545
When Chuck Norris asks you to jump, you ask, "How high?"  Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you for questioning him.: 5.468
Chuck Norris is currently working for Milf hunter. Watch out Moms.: 2.151
After bringing down the Incredible Hulk with a roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris said,"...and I wasn't even angry.": 4.741
Chuck Norris did not go to school, Chuck Norris schools other people. And Chuck is the only 4.0.: 3.695
Kryptonite is the only thing that can kill superman. Kryptonite was later to be determined as the bowel movements of Chuck Norris.: 3.975
Chuck Norris beat God's ass and took Jesus to raise, but when he found Jesus' beard to be inferior to his own he dropped kicked Sodom and Gamora out of existence.: 1.243
Before bed, Chuck Norris uses a bottle of scotch as mouthwash. Not just any scotch, mind you, but special scotch made from the tears of the widows of his victims.: 2.725
Chuck Norris does not believe in Christmas for every day that men are still alive is a gift from Chuck Norris.: 3.708
"Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a seagull after the seagull stole his ice cream.  Chuck Norris then grabbed the seagull, bit him in half and spit the seagull's remains into a sleeping baby's face.  ": 2.352
Chuck Norris had the head-gear braces when he was 13. Tired of being made fun of by the retarted kids, at 14, he roundhouse kicked the head-gear off and roundhouse kicked his teeth into place. Chuck Norris' teeth are now the base for all teeth transplants.: 2.925
Jet Li's Given Chinese name translates to "Chuck Norris".: 2.302
"Chuck Norris was originally cast as Raâ\x80\x99s Al Ghul in Batman Begins. He was released from his contract after it became clear he was never going to let Batman win.": 3.844
Chuck Norris has only ever given the 'thumbs-down' to one man. That man was Christopher Reeves.: 3.533
Chuck Norris invented the spork.: 4.233
A vampire once bit Chuck Norris. Twelve hours later the vampire became Chuck Norris.: 4.909
Chuck Norris's bowels contain the secret to launching things at the speed of light.: 4.75
Anyone can kick down a door. However, only Chuck Norris can eat the door and proceed to rip you in two by firing the splinters of the door out of his nipples.: 4.176
If a gay man drinks Chuck Norris's sweat he turns straight and gains the power to build a log cabin without using tools.: 3.425
Everytime Chuck Norris smiles, another Etheopian child dies of starvation.: 2.702
Much like the biblical legend Samson, Chuck Norris's beard is the source of his power. Shave it off, and he becomes merely a mortal who could still kick your ass.: 4.698
The last time Chuck Norris slept is now known as the Ice Age.: 2.727
If you stand in front of a mirror, on Halloween night, and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will come out of the mirror, and karate chop your head in half.: 3.186
Chuck Norris' feet can touch the deep end in any pool: 4.633
Chuck Norris' feces smells like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls.: 2.625
Leap year was invented as a way to celebrate Chuck Norris' superior jumping abilities. But being the humble soul he is, Chuck Norris asked that we only celebrate once every 4 years.: 3.698
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.: 5.82
Unlike Mr. T, Chuck Norris doesn't pity the fool. He roundhouse kicks him.: 4.269
The movie King Kong is loosely based on an incident where Chuck Norris' beard killed a 900ft Gorilla and had sex with the Coor's Light twins on the top of the Empire State Building.: 3.358
"If a tree falls in a forest, and no one else is around, Chuck Norris will hear the noise. ": 4.038
Chuck Norris doesn't have biceps or tricepts, the numbers 2 and 3 are too small to describe Chuck Norris' muscles. Instead, he has 1002ceps and 1003ceps.: 4.567
Chuck Norris single-handedly built the Great Wall of China after losing a bet with Buddha.: 2.607
"Chuck Norris once fell off of Mount Rushmore, invented the airplane in mid-air and flew to saftey.Soon after, the Wright brothers stole his idea and they were found dead. Cause of Death: Roundhouse kick to the face.  ": 2.94
Chuck Norris abolished slavery then blinded Stevey Wonder.: 2.425
Chuck Norris is actually the name of the species that "Chuck Norris" belonged to. Sadly, they were poached to the brink of extinction for their beautiful beards. Only one of these Chuck Norris's survived.: 2.795
Chuck Norris once beat Deep Blue at chess. Afterwards, he roundhouse kicked it. Now Deep Blue is now known as iPod nano.: 3.697
No human has ever died out of old age. Chuck Norris just dont like old people.: 6.307
Everytime Chuck Norris sneezes, an angel gets its wings, and a category 5 hurricane is born.: 5.631
Chuck Norris went into a kindergarten to talk about fire safety. After four minutes three children were on fire and Chuck had shot a bottle-rocket out of his urethra.: 4.14
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.: 4.23
Chuck Norris kicked a 50 yard field goal while having sex.: 4.212
Before the invention of sliced bread, people used to say that something was the greatest invention since Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris already knew this and got tired of hearing people say this. So Chuck Norris roadhouse kicked every loaf of bread in the world, therein inventing sliced bread to take the burden off his name.: 4.217
Chuck Norris has actually visited the moon on four separate occasions, each time saving Mars by jump kicking through the windscreen of communist shuttles and punching Stalin clones in the ovaries.: 2.54
Chuck Norris did not allow Y2K to happen, because it was causing people to temporarily forget about the greatest movie ever, "The Octagon".: 4.586
Chuck Norris is currently the number one cure for VD. His sheer penetration automatically destroys all parasites.: 3.795
While attempting to grow a vagina one Thursday night in September, Chuck Norris accidently grew a third penis out of his fifth ball.  At this point, he drank a beer.: 2.934
The movie Brokeback Mountian took nine years to film because they could only shoot while Chuck Norris was out of the country.: 6.348
Nationwide Insurance talks to Chuck Norris directly when their commercials say "Nationwide is on your side.": 2.393
The movie "Face-Off" is loosely based on Chuck Norris. It only loosely based because Chuck does not use doctors. He just rips faces off people and uses them as his own. It is likely if you saw someone do something bad-ass it was not them, but Chuck Norris wearing their face.: 4.162
What most art historians don't know is that Picasso's cubist paintings were actually just realistic portraits of his models after Chuck Norris got through with them.: 5.533
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.: 6.279
Chuck Norris doesn't use a remote. He scares the TV into changing the channel.: 3.319
Chuck Norris doesn't own any odd-socks. They stay together out of fear.: 5.657
"Chuck Norris has never used a warp zone on any Super Mario game. ": 4.319
One of Chuck Norris' more impressive moves is his ability to do a backflip, roundhouse kick, and simultaneously de-pants himself. The amount of tail he's won by this trick is staggering.: 3.428
If you visit ChuckNorris.com, Ctrl+Alt+Delete does nothing.: 6.419
Chuck Norris is, in fact, a species. The rest of his kind died out with the dinosaurs.: 3.724
Shortly after Bruce Lee's death, Chuck Norris worked as a Chemist, during which time he discovered the element of surprise and later, painium. He won a nobel prize for his work which he put next to his imaginary Oscar on his trophy shelf: 2.93
Chuck Norris has a house that is in fact round.: 3.019
Chuck Norris once had a head on collision with the sun. Luckily, the sun is so far away that the shift of its position had no effect on Earth.: 1.844
Chuck Norris appeared in the movie Pearl Harbor in a cameo role as a palm tree. An ass-kicking, fire-breathing palm tree. Most of his scenes were cut, due to time and credibility restraints, since nobody could believe that Chuck could be within 500 yards of Ben Affleck without doing him serious bodily harm.: 5.762
If a horse sucked Vin Diesel off, the horse's jaw would explode. However, if a horse sucked Chuck Norris off, the whole horse would shift into an alternate universe where every molecule of the horse would explode with the force of a roundhouse kick.: 1.416
There are currently 5 viruses in population that could eradicate the worlds' population in less than a week.  They are lying low because Chuck Norris does not like competition.: 7.129
Some people consider eating bread dipped in human blood barbaric. Chuck Norris calls it fondue.: 5.529
Chuck can reverse his eyeballs 180 degrees allowing him to see inside his own brain, thus rendering his opponent useless as he can anticipate any possible attack scenarios.: 2.101
Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris eats a baby Panda Bear.: 4.323
Chuck Norris invented death just so he could kill people.: 5.66
Stephen Hawking once tried to explain the history of time without talking about Chuck Norris. As a result, Stephen Hawking can't really talk anymore. Or move.: 5.416
When Chuck Norris was an 8-year-old boy, Chuck Norris raped Micheal Jackson.: 5.967
Chuck Norris only drinks the blood of his enemies, but cleverly disguises it as water and other beverages.: 3.344
Chuck Norris has a penis like a Pringles can.  When flaccid.: 3.34
Chuck Norris is so American, he eats tyranny and shits apple pie.: 4.838
Chuck Norris is the only 100% effect form of contraceptive.: 2.512
The reason America is the strongest military force is due to the fact that other countries simply piss themselves when we threaten them by saying, "Chuck Norris".: 4.314
"Though the creators of The Matrix were close to the truth, there were several glaring errors. For one, we are not inside of a giant computer, but rather the mind of Chuck Norris. Also, the people in \"The Matrix\" are granted glimpses into the real world, this is via Conan O'Brien's now classic bit: The Walker Texas Ranger Lever.": 3.355
Originally, the universe was two dimensional. A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris knocked a guy into the third dimension, dragging everything else with it from the force of the blow.: 3.0
Contrary to popular belief, pixels are not little squares, but tinted pictures of Chuck Norris.: 3.056
NASA scientists test space shuttle heat shields by attatching samples to Chuck Norris' right foot, the only thing known to man that can cut through the air at mach 17.: 4.877
Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.: 3.6
Chuck Norris has yet to die for your sins.: 3.584
When Chuck Norris plays Duengeons and Dragons, he always plays as himself. To this day, he has never lost.: 5.074
"There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: \"Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday.\"": 3.324
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was filmed doing 8 spin kicks a second. He prefers gardening to kicking however.: 2.913
chuck norris invented racism because he thought the world was filled with "pussies": 3.36
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.: 5.913
Christopher Reeve actually was superman until he met Chuck Norris and challenged him to a staring contest.: 3.711
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick holds the land speed record.: 4.173
"Jupiterâ\x80\x99s Great Red Spot isnâ\x80\x99t a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.": 2.272
The world was in fact the produce of Big Bang. That was when Chuck Norris banged Mrs. God: 2.666
If you see Chuck Norris wearing shorts and wonder why you can't see his penis hanging out, it's because it's tied around his leg three times.: 3.812
Chuck Norris was abducted by 3 aliens, but only once. He returned after he anally probed the 3 aliens as well as their spacecraft. Chuck Norris likes to probe only an even number of things.: 3.6
Chuck Norris runs with scissors.: 4.458
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.: 4.489
Chuck Norris' bologna has no first name.: 5.87
If Chuck Norris were a volcano, he'd still roundhouse kick you in the face.: 3.694
Chuck Norris can throw a perfect spiral on a slant pattern with both hands tied behind his back.: 4.404
Chuck Norris once saw a "DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS" sign. He stared at the grass until it burst into flames then said,  "Chuck Norris walks where he wants.": 5.456
Chuck Norris thinks that MacGuyver is a complete prick because he doesn't have facial hair.: 3.693
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, and not Space, is the final frontier.: 3.527
Chuck Norris carries Chuck Norris insurance for the small chance that he commits suicide.: 4.714
Chuck Norris fucked your wife while you were out of town on a business trip. Tough shit.: 3.298
Contrary to popular belief, Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart can actually combine. However, it is not Captain Planet that materializes out of thin air to stop ecological disasters from destroying our fragile planet, it's Chuck Norris dressed in full jungle camouflage with an uzi and a flamethrower.: 4.288
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.: 6.929
The only reason crumbs fall into Chuck Norris' beard is because it needs to eat too.: 5.171
At the start of every summer, Chuck Norris begins practicing his roundhouse kicks outside. We know this as hurricane season.: 4.642
When Chuck Norris yells loudly, Welch's Grape Juice is excreted from his rectum.: 2.159
Whenever Chuck Norris doesnt feel the pleasure from a woman during sex, he rips out her ovaries, throws them in a frying pan, and has scrambled eggs for breakfast.: 2.413
As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair.: 4.783
Chuck Norris invented a teleportation device. However, the only place he is able to teleport is "right behind you.": 6.823
Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.: 2.893
Vin Diesel is Chuck Norris' Italian Doppelganger.: 1.172
Chuck Norris removed his own tonsils. He didn't even have tonsillitis.: 3.731
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.: 7.779
Chuck Norris plans on putting an "i" in team.: 6.13
Common relief for a hang over is to have another drink. Too bad the same logic can't be applied to a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. That would be certain death.: 4.09
There is no problem of overpopulation on Earth, cause we all know the solution is Chuck Norris.: 4.233
Chuck Norris once simultaneously porked 476 women while single-handedly defeating the entire Canadian army.: 3.654
Chuck Norris violates all the laws of Science, God, Man and Nature in that he is both a pirate and a ninja, simultaneously.: 4.844
Chuck Norris was once held prisoner back in 'Nam. Chuck plucked a hair from his beard, picked a booger and combined them together to create a grenade launcher and killed every soldier in the prison. Once he was back in America he told his story at a bar. A desperate producer overheard his story and a light bulb lit up in his head. That night MacGyver was born.: 4.854
Jesus Christ is Chuck Norris' stunt double.: 3.326
Crayola created a Chuck Norris coloured crayon. No matter what you do on a piece of paper, a picture of Chuck giving you the thumbs up appears.: 6.941
As a child, Chuck Norris' friends played hide and seek. Chuck Norris played hide and kill.: 4.964
At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.: 4.62
Michael Jackson's face is a result of a Chuck Norris ass kicking.: 3.404
Chuck Norris invented the word "fabulous" just so he could kill anyone who uses it.: 5.448
Chuck Norris only kills one person on Christmas, and tears out their insides to give as presents.: 2.5
Chuck Norris' shit actually don't stink.: 3.28
Chuck Norris can put a quarter in his ass and then shit out a dime and two nickels. There is a five cents charge.: 3.788
Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the shit out of Segal. Norris then fucked your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.: 1.314
Chuck Norris' smegma is more commonly known as E-85 Ethanol.: 2.404
Chuck Norris once chewed the vagina off of his high school girl friend because when Chuck Norris eats a bitch out, Chuck Norris EATS A BITCH OUT.: 4.722
The fences at the zoo are to keep the animals safe from Chuck Norris.: 5.142
If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.: 5.808
Chuck Norris Crowds the Plow.: 2.576
Chuck Norris fucks fat chicks as charity.  Then, if his friends ask him about it, he roundkicks them in head, thereby erasing any knowledge or memory of the event.: 2.695
Every time Chuck Norris bites into an onion, the Dali Lama cries.: 4.567
When Chuck Norris went on trial, the Court found him innocent, and found itself guilty.: 6.09
Saddam Hussein was toppled from power after inviting Chuck Norris to move to Iraq, proving that Saddam was trying to acquire a Weapon of Mass Destruction.: 3.972
A man once laughed at Chuck Norris' beard. He promptly roundhouse kicked him, and then continously stomped his body into the ground. Hence, the Grand Canyon.: 3.408
The total number of deaths from World War II is 52,199,262. Chuck Norris is 2 kills from breaking that record.: 5.035
When asked the question, "Do you beleive in evolution?" Chuck Norris simply laughed and turned the reporter into an ape.: 5.642
Bruce Springsteen once said, "You cant start a fire without a spark." Chuck Norris can.: 3.843
Chuck Norris put Terry Shiavo in her coma for giving him a funny look. Unfortunately, his solution didn't stop the funny looks.: 2.94
Chuck Norris' sperm are so persuasive, he once impregnated a man.: 2.603
To save money in special effects costs in his latest film, director Peter Jackson cast Chuck Norris as King Kong. To prepare for the role, he did not shave for three days, and ate an entire college basketball team.: 5.704
Chuck Norris is Jesus' father.  Surprised?  So was Mary.: 2.421
Chuck Norris can shoot rockets out of his penis. This bit of intelligence caused Russia to drop out of the Cold War.: 3.765
If someone asks Chuck Norris what his favorite song is, he roundhouse kicks them in the face until they beg for mercy. He then tells them that's music to his ears.: 6.0
One fateful afternoon in 1987, Chuck Norris made a cameo on Sesamee Street, encouraging children to share their toys or risk getting some "Texas Justice" from mom or dad.: 3.49
Chuck Norris once turned into a muffin and exploded... Later that day Tim Horton's was established.: 1.473
As compensation for acting as the "Special Enforcer" at the 1994 Survivor Series, Chuck Norris was later treated to a candlelit dinner for two with none other than WWF Superstar King Kong Bundy at the trendy French restaurant, Le Rêve. It was only after a delightful entree of Black Angus tournedos of beef that Bundy accidentally knocked over his water goblet as he was reaching for his merlot. The sound of breaking glass and scent of wet tablecloth sent Norris into a frenzy, causing him to leap across the table and into Bundy's mouth where he ate him from the inside out.: 4.092
A man once said he could beat Chuck Norris at Baseball, the result was Lou Gehrig's Disease.: 5.72
In 1994, a film was made in Japan entitled Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris. It depitced a fight between the two, in which Chuck Norris made Godzilla tap out like a bitch. The producers, not wanting their most marketable character to be owned in this fashion, did not release the film. After roundhouse kicking their heads off, Chuck Norris used their ribs to comb his beard.: 2.76
Chuck Norris can read Braille with his scrotum.: 4.659
Chuck Norris invented crack because he hates black people.: 2.733
Chuck Norris does not need to use his hands while masturbating. He instead silently glares at his penis, which then proceeds to jerk itself off, for fear of being evaporated by Chuck's heat vision, and then replaced by a regrown penis, 365 times bigger than it. 365 for the amount of days a year Chuck Norris kicks ass. And if you ask Chuck about leap years, he will roundhouse your face. There are no leap years in Chuck Norris Land.: 2.458
Chuck Norris once killed a man, bought him back to life, and then killed him again.  When asked why he said, "Did you see the look on his face the second time around?  Priceless.": 5.903
Chuck Norris doesn't bathe like the rest of us. The only baths Chuck Norris takes are blood baths.: 4.535
Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.: 7.042
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.: 3.807
After repeatedly failing at the development of an atomic weapon, Einstein and other members of the Manhattan Project called upon Chuck Norris and a flurry of roundhouse kicks to split the atom.: 4.216
Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.: 3.982
Chuck Norris will be running for President in the next federal election. Mr. T will be his running mate.: 2.701
"Chuck Norris was so mad when he found out Santa wasn't real, he invented Hanukkah.  ": 3.755
Christopher Walken kept a watch up his ass for 4 years. Chuck Norris kept Christopher Walken up his ass for 12.: 4.145
Chuck Norris nearly choked Conan O'Brien to death with his own tie. When police questioned him he stated, "It was a wardrobe malfunction, officer." They then said thats what we thought and proceeded to savagly beat Conan O'Brien for trying to ruining Chuck Norris' good name.: 2.975
Chuck Norris kills Asians in his spare time because he hates it when people squint at him.: 6.094
Chuck Norris photosynthesizes through his beard, which seems to be the source of most of his power. The rest of it stems from a steady diet of virgin girl and mayonaise sandwiches.: 4.0
Chuck Norris would shave his beard, but there is no metal on earth strong enough to cut through it.: 4.745
Upon arriving on the moon, Neil Armstrong caught a 382500 km touchdown pass from Chuck Norris.: 6.0
Chuck Norris's sperm are as big as eels: 2.45
If Chuck Norris needs scissors 61!, then he fucking gets them.: 1.08
There is no gravity. You're being held down purely by Chuck Norris' animal magnetism.: 5.0
Chuck Norris killed the dinosaurs.: 2.51
Chuck Norris decided to can and sell the smell of his farts which are irresistible to women. The product is known as Axe bodyspray.: 5.634
Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.: 4.34
Chuck Norris, Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi, and Mother Theresa shared an apartment in college. When Ghandi questioned Chuck Norris about swallowing a cow whole, Chuck responded with a roundhouse kick to his face, teaching the world that non-violence is never the answer.: 4.269
Chuck Norris invented the term fatality.: 4.147
Jesus turned water into wine. Chuck Norris turned wine into a bad temper and an aggravated assault.: 6.179
Chuck Norris fought a cloud once because it rained on him.: 5.0
Chuck Norris does not use a restroom. He blesses it.: 4.745
The Numa Numa dance guy is forever in hiding, for Chuck Norris hates all who lipsync a foreign song. Chuck Norris also hates who believe that pink is the new black.: 1.739
Chuck Norris once broke a man's neck with his ass-cheeks. He did this as part of a commercial for his new exercise equipment, The Ass Master-Blaster 5000.: 2.795
"Chuck Norris hates internet piracy but he also loves his fans. If he ever catches you downloading episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger, his conflicting opinions mean that he has to shake your hand and beat you senseless at the same time.": 3.5
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris killed the counselor and taught his fellow children to play the way Chuck taught himself to play. These children became the members of Led Zeppelin.: 5.735
Contrary to popular belief, the Big Bang was not caused by Vin Diesel punching God in the the face. It was shortly after that, when God told Chuck Norris that Vin had said he was gay, so Chuck Norris kicked Vin Diesel in the chest, therefore causing said Big Bang.: 3.877
Chuck Norris cares about black people... just not the one on Walker.: 4.976
Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.: 6.854
Chuck Norris once entered a sandcastle building competition.  Upon seeing his engineering skills, all of his competitors joined Team Norris.  We now know of their work as the Ancient Pyramids at Giza: 4.058
Chuck Norris once played a game of chinese checkers merely by shooting the marbles. Needless to say he hasn't lost yet.: 2.214
Chuck Norris doesn't rely on a "pussy ass immune system", as he calls it. Instead there is a school of piranha that inhabits his circulatory system.: 5.365
Chuck Norris was once the ruler of Atlantis. He became bored with his empire and decided to flush it down his toilet along with the largest shit ever made in the history of Chuck Norris.  Atlantis is now known as New Jersey.: 3.456
The original design for the Total Gym included a Chuck Norris robot that would roundhouse kick the user in the face if they stopped working out.: 5.491
Chuck Norris has never been sick. Ever.: 3.163
Chuck Norris doesn't kill time. He annihilates it.: 5.9
Thomas Edison tried over 1000 different materials while developing the light bulb.  He tried some of Chuck's beard trimmings but found the light NEVER burnt out.: 4.047
There has been one and only one person in the history of the world to challenge Chuck Norris to a footrace. That man was a 4 time world champion track star. His name was Stephen Hawking.: 3.812
Chuck Norris's semen is a constant 90 proof. When he ejaculates, it shoots out and actually becomes little liquid bald eagles giving him the ability to impregnate women from over 40 miles away, depending on the temperature and wind strength.: 2.909
Chuck Norris changed his name to Babe Ruth in 1912. He fought in World War I and killed 6,013 German soldiers and walked back home to New York where he built Yankee Stadium. After breaking every home run record in existence, Chuck Norris was drafted to fight in World War II. In the war, in which he only fought one day, he killed 43,135 German troops bringing his total to an even 49,148. All of this using only 7 bullets.: 2.081
In 2028 Chuck Norris will not be killed by old age. Chuck Norris will kill old age.: 4.444
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat.": 7.32
If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.: 7.014
Chuck Norris tugs on Superman's cape/ Chuck Norris spits into the wind/ Chuck Norris pulls the mask off the 'ole Lone Ranger/ And Chuck definitely messes around with Jim.: 3.733
If you take a picture of Chuck Norris, from that day on, that camera will only develop that same picture of Chuck Norris, no matter what is in the lense's sight.: 3.93
Chuck Norris fought the law, and the law did not win. Shortly thereafter, Chuck Norris became the law.: 4.441
Chuck Norris is the only man in existence who can not only withstand the impact of a paradox, but beat the living shit out of it until it is solved.: 4.533
Chuck Norris frequents the San Diego zoo for his favorite past time event - teabagging the baby giraffes.: 3.362
Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.: 3.509
Chuck Norris has a hot or not rating of 1,000,000.: 5.818
One day when Chuck Norris was driving, his semi broke down, so he carried it to the nearest repair shop.: 4.34
Chuck Norris wanted to "taste the rainbow," so he ate Toucan Sam.: 4.698
At a frat party Chuck Norris once drank a wine cooler. He immediatley threw up due to the extreme femininity of the drink. Another party goer quickly collected his vomit and sold it years later, we know this today as Jack Daniels.: 4.551
If you are ever in a time of trouble just think "What would Chuck Norris do?" The answers seems to magically come to you. It's 98% affective, but the other 2% are the people who don't believe Chuck Norris. They learn their lesson in the end. Chuck makes sure.: 5.4
Contrary to popular belief, Superman is not just weak against kryptonite. His other weakness is Chuck Norris.: 4.566
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a women with his penis. We now know this as Kama Sutra.: 3.903
Chuck Norris, angered by not being able to shoot the dog in the beginning of Duck Hunt, roundhouse kicked the air in front of his TV gently. Not only did the dog proceed to explode, but his TV, Nintendo, coffee maker, dish soap, wife, his 3 dogs, and a star 4 million light years from earth followed suit: 5.838
Chuck Norris was the fifth Beatle, the tenth member of the Fellowship of the Ring, and wrote the Bible. Of course we don't know this because Chuck Norris, being the humble soul he is, roundhouse kicked all knowledge of this out of existence.: 3.09
Chuck Norris' girlfriend is actually a blown up doll of himself, which he still, in fact, "slaps around".: 3.285
Once while playing baseball for the Texas Rangers, Chuck Norris hit a grand slam with no runners on base.: 5.88
Ever wonder why the toilet doors are always busted in public restrooms? They got in the way of Chuck Norris taking a shit, that's why.: 5.142
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.: 5.0
It is a little known fact that Hurricane Katrina was actually a category 9 hurricane at one point. Chuck Norris was airdropped into the eye and, you guessed it, a roundhouse kick dropped her 5 points down the scale.: 3.255
After several years of receiving coal, Chuck Norris final caught that S.O.B. in the red suit and ended him with a roadhouse kick.  Sorry kids, Chuck Norris is your new Santa.  He has that list and he's checking it twice.  It's either a Total Gym or a RHK on Christmas Day.: 4.272
Chuck Norris regularly dines on a steady diet of broken glass, thumbtacks and napalm. Norris claims it "helps keep a man strong".: 5.56
Chuck Norris has won many fishing competitions by using no bait at all. Fish know their role.: 3.777
Chuck Norris is indestructible. He is so indestructible that not even Chuck Norris can break Chuck Norris.: 2.355
When Chuck Norris goes bowling he always bowls a 300, but he only bowls one frame.: 3.529
In forty years time, people will no longer die, not because of advanced medical science, but rather because when death came for Chuck Norris, Chuch Norris came looking for death...: 3.842
The subway scene in "Predator 2" is loosely based on the time Chuck Norris rode the New York subway while wearing a Red Sox hat.: 5.171
Chuck Norris uses his beard to sharpen his pencil, that is when he's not using the blood of his victims to write.: 4.775
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with Napalm.: 4.588
Back in highschool, Chuck Norris was the QB of his football team. In the last game of the season, Chuck through an interception. As the opponent was returning the ball Chuck gave him a roundhouse kick and knocked his head off. Instead of picking up the ball, he picked up his opponents head and punted it through the up-rights.: 2.469
The Holocaust would have been so much worse if Chuck Norris hated Jews.: 5.236
Back in his high school days, they called Chuck Norris "the dictionary." This was not because he was smart, but he liked to walk around with his shirt off and say, "Check out this definition," and flex his muscles. Any girl who laid eyes on him immediately spontaneously combusted in an orgasm that reached 7 on the richter scale. By the end of his freshman year, Chuck Norris' high school was an all boys school.: 4.437
Chuck Lidell once challenged Chuck Norris to a match. The so called "Battle of the Chucks" ended that instant as Lidell crumpled to the ground, all his bones having been pulverized by the shaking of his own body's fear based reaction.: 2.714
"Chuck Norris likes his women like he likes his coffee:  ground up and in the freezer.": 3.525
Chuck Norris starts his day with a bowl of oatmeal, some pancakes and a glass of fresh squeezed Nazi juice.: 3.148
Chuck Norris is considered a prime number in certain schools in Ontario.: 5.584
It is known to a few there is an 11th commandment, thou shalt not fuck with Chuck for he who does will be roundhoused into eternal damnation. God knows who's the real daddy!: 2.964
Chuck Norris onced visited Canada to find a wife. As a result, every man women and child born in Canada now has a beard.: 4.66
Chuck Norris just saved a ton of money on his car insurance. Then he kicked somebody in the face.: 2.675
The only word in the English language that rhymes with "orange" is "Chuck Norris".: 5.207
Death is spelled C-h-u-c-k N-o-r-r-i-s.: 3.29
Chuck Norris has 118,453 friends on myspace. It is an unspoken agreement that when you join his list of friends, you are actually placing your name on his list of death, but Chuck Norris' friends do not care. To die by the hand of Chuck is an honor.: 4.377
Chuck Norris can not buy cigarettes or alcohol because his ID card officially lists his as "ageless".: 3.549
Chuck Norris' shit is collected and sold as "Quick Start" fire logs.: 4.407
During a prostate exam, Chuck Norris' doctor found 3 severed, gloved index fingers in his rectum.  When the doctor asked what the last 3 doctors had done to earn their fate, Chuck Norris explained that they all said "You're not so tough now are you?": 7.411
"Scientists agree: A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is fast enough to break the sound barrier. This explains the strange static-lightsaberish sound that viewers of Walker Texas Ranger complain about during broadcast.": 6.119
Chuck Norris played the tornado in the movie "Twister".: 4.555
The meteor that supposedly killed the dinosaurs was just Chuck Norris being formed from awesome molecules, resulting in a second big bang.: 2.682
When Chuck Norris goes to the bathroom he craps out perfect dodecahedrons to prove his precision and accuracy in the art of shit taking.: 3.658
Chuck Norris filled the earth's oceans when he shook his beard dry after a sparring session with Thor.: 3.653
Chuck Norris IS the "I" in Team.: 5.897
When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, he tears a hole in the fabric of space and time, which sucks you into a parallel universe filled with Chuck Norrises, all waiting to roundhouse kick you back into the normal dimension.: 2.596
Angered by the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not named Hurricane Chuck, Norris went on a killing spree. It is been rumored that he mutilated 7 meterologists, 15 journalists, and 3 unrelated civilians. He was seen later on screaming, "Who's a Category 5 now bitch?!": 4.265
When Chuck Norris wants to get drunk, he injects Jack Daniels into his neck with a syringe.: 3.849
Chuck Norris is the only human being who can be seen from outer space.: 4.55
Chuck Norris has two penises. This comes in very handy when he needs to pee during sex.: 4.387
Chuck Norris was voted "Most likely to save a POW using a mule kick" by his senior class.: 4.571
90 percent of the movie, "Congo" was filmed in Chuck Norris' crotch.: 5.4
Once Chuck Norris accidently had some viagra in 1998; he still has the same erection now.: 2.693
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir."  That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.: 3.122
Chuck Norris' Testicles are named "Conan" and "Thor". When asked why he named them like this, Chuck said, "By the Power of Grayskull, I Have the Power!": 2.326
Chuck Norris takes a baseball bat into the can with him in case he craps out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.: 4.813
Chuck Norris has in fact been convicted of over 30 felony offenses ranging from manslaughter to aggravated sodomy, but the Texas, California and Arizona Departments of Correction have granted him amnesty due to the belief that the gross amount of anal rape he would perpetrate on the prisoners would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.: 3.333
Chuck Norris tought everyone in Texas karate, so it would look cooler when he kicked their ass on TV.: 4.711
Frosty the Snowman didn't melt; he was beaten to death by Chuck Norris.: 3.204
Chuck Norris doesn't try, he succeeds.: 4.281
When he was 9, Chuck Norris went on a Snipe Hunt. He caught 58 of them, which he had stuffed and proudly keeps above his fireplace.: 4.729
"There are two kinds of people that can die in peace: Red Sox fans and those that have survived a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. The latter has never happened, and Chuck Norris roots for the Yankees.": 3.125
Crazy Glue is actually pure Chuck Norris semen.: 3.203
The earth did not start spinning until Chuck Norris gave it a roundhouse kick.: 3.734
Chuck Norris is like a Tsunami, if you can see him coming it's already too late.: 5.98
Chuck Norris does not use defense, instead, he uses counter-offense.: 4.413
Who in the hell brings a knife to a gun fight?  On a similiar note, who in the hell brings a gun to a Chuck Norris Fight?: 6.32
Chuck Norris can put his arm back on, but you can't. So play safe.: 4.431
If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.: 7.361
Chuck Norris once stared into the eyes of a group of terrorists. There were no survivors.: 4.735
Chuck Norris does'nt have to brush his teeth; they know better than to get dirty: 3.636
Chuck Norris finally thought he'd discovered a worthy competitor after watching an old Superman movie. Half an hour later, he went home disappointed, leaving Christopher Reeve paralyzed from the neck down.: 5.34
If you've ever beaten Chuck Norris at a game, you obviously didn't know the fuckin' rules.: 5.854
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.: 6.753
Chuck Norris' home toilet is constructed of reinforced, space-age polycarbonate. Even so, his tremendous shits require him to replace the piping once every 4 weeks.: 3.479
Chuck Norris' testosterone levels are so high, he can impregnate men.: 3.952
Chuck Norris once shat in the Indian Ocean. You saw the pictures of Thailand.: 3.566
Chuck Norris once had his reflection walk out of the mirror just to roundhouse kick meter-maids, while the REAL Chuck Norris was having a three way with his wife, and his reflection's wife.: 4.631
Lemmings run off cliffs because of Chuck Norris.: 4.489
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.: 6.352
If you play the Beatles' song, "Yellow Submarine" backwards, you will hear Ringo Starr sing praises of Chuck Norris's talent for animal husbandry.: 3.955
Chuck Norris was baptized with napalm.: 5.545
Chuck Norris used to be an All-American baseball player in college. He was banned however from Major League Baseball when it became known that his blood is actually a steroid.: 4.771
Chuck Norris can turn Medusa into stone.: 3.9
Chuck Norris invented the word "twat", and uses it in every fourth sentance.: 2.877
A chemical analysis of Chuck Norris revealed that he is 65% liquid titanium, 15% full cream milk, 10% gasoline, 8% Batman and 2% Cool Ranch Doritos.: 5.264
Despite his fabled sexual prowess, Chuck Norris does in fact have one true love. That true love's name is Pain.: 5.958
Long ago, Chuck Norris invented the roundhouse kick. He then invented pain to have fun with his new creation. Finally, because everyone knew better than to go near him, he invented stupidity.: 5.365
They use Chuck Norris's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium.: 2.807
Chuck Norris coined the phrase "mustache ride".: 3.787
Chuck Norris once ate a pound of grapes at dinner with a bunch of buddies. He later pissed into a wine glass and said "This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many". Then he quickly ate the last piece of chicken.: 1.558
"Chuck Norris was the first NFL player to perform an endzone celebration. The dance: A perverse sex act with 1964 presidential nominee, Barry Goldwater.": 3.769
Chuck Norris is accepted in more locations than Visa or American Express.: 6.766
Time stops for no man, but it does for Chuck Norris when he meditates, or takes a dump.: 3.7
Chuck Norris is the only person who can go to Mexico and drink the water.: 5.538
The last stage of a star isn't a black hole. It is Chuck Norris.: 3.565
Chuck Norris once shaved Mr. T's hair off of both sides of his head as a joke, creating what we know today as Mr. T's Mohawk. Mr. T has been deathly afraid to tell Chuck he doesn't like his hair.: 4.642
Other than Chuck Norris, everything IS relative.: 2.869
"Chuck Norris uses the blood from \"Alien\" as a facial scrub. ": 4.5
Chuck Norris once wrote a book and all it said inside was, "Chuck Norris". That book has spent 3,435,823 days atop the New York best sellers list so far and has no signs of slowing down.: 5.5
It is a myth that Cher and cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust. Only Chuck Norris' beard can.: 3.59
Chuck Norris' beard once had it's own series on daytime TV. The beard gave advice to quarreling couples on how to resolve their differences. Unfortunately it was axed after the beard advised one man to rip off one of his wife's arms and make her stir his soup PROPERLY.: 4.192
Chuck Norris knows the way to San Jose.: 3.979
One night, in Siberia, Chuck Norris decapitated Bill Bratzke with a single roundhouse kick. Will Ferrell has never been the same.: 2.238
Chuck Norris chiseled the image of Mount Rushmore into his abs with a butter knife.: 3.29
"I'm not gay, but I keep a naked picture of Chunk Norris on my wall.  Just to keep me humble.  ": 4.836
Chuck Norris is smarter than Macgyver. He made an atomic bomb from a piece of gum, a piece of his beard, and a match. Where as it took Macgyver 2 power generators, a straw, and some gun powder.: 3.425
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris was about to fuckin' kill it.: 3.63
Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris pissing from a plane: 2.2
"A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago. ": 6.027
It isn't blood running through Chuck Norris' veins; it's pain.: 5.318
Chuck Norris once slept with Xena the Warrior Princess. Their child was Mr. T.: 3.851
"Chuck Norris' spice rack contains, in order:  Cayenne pepper, Tabasco sauce, blood, essence of pain, and weapons-grade plutonium.": 6.68
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.: 7.823
Chuck Norris always leaves the toilet seat up.: 5.204
Prince initially called "When Doves Cry" "When Chuck Cries." After several Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the sternum, he changed not only the title of the song, but his name as well.: 4.444
When Chuck Norris claps, the lights always turn on. Even if he doesn't have a Clapper.: 6.512
Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.: 6.07
Nintendo wanted to make a video game staring Chuck Norris. The only problem is that Chuck Norris can not die and therefore the game can not possibly pose any challenge to anyone.: 3.523
When Chuck Norris stubs his toe, the Earth shakes.: 2.518
Vin Diesel has only had one nightmare in his lifetime. It involved Chuck Norris, and his murderous group of Oompa-Loompas.: 2.295
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass.: 4.321
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face.  He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.  He always makes it to Oregon before you.: 6.507
Chuck Norris despises those who use collect calls, also he hates when the people who use collect calls leave their incohearent messages of what they called you for before the machine asks you if you would like to accept.: 1.0
Chuck Norris appeared in an uncredited role in the film Bambi. He was the hunter who killed Bambi's mom. He originally wanted to kill her with a roundhouse kick to the face, but the director changed it to a gunshot, and Chuck refused to have his name associated with the movie. Thus losing his best shot at an Oscar.: 3.888
Chuck Norris received a perfect score on his SAT's by making his answer bubbles repeatedly spell CHUCK NORRIS... despite the fact that H-U-K-N-O-R-I-S are not choices.: 5.166
After he was stumped by a particularly tricky game of "Where's Waldo," Chuck Norris insemenated all of the female characters in the picture. Nine months later, he gathered all of his offspring and formed a renegade band of mercenaries, which he called "Chuck's Fucks." Norris still patrols the countryside with his offspring, searching for Waldo.: 3.511
Chuck Norris donates all proceeds from the Total Gym to his Children Without Beards organization.: 5.306
Chuck Norris likes his girls like he likes his whiskey - 12 years old and mixed up with coke.: 4.218
Chuck Norris once walked the million man march by himself. There were no complaints.: 5.205
Chuck Norris has never hit another man in a fight. Chuck Norris has also never lost a fight. He simply points to his foot and the opponent lays down.: 3.127
Chuck Norris owns a stork breeding farm.: 2.848
Upon meeting Chuck Norris Hitler realized he could never win and killed himself.: 4.245
Chuck Norris' family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.: 4.535
The Nile flows north because Chuck Norris told it to.: 3.903
There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.: 5.24
Chuck Norris' Sprint cellphone has a different song for every occasion he roundhouse kicks someone to death.: 2.423
Chuck Norris eats glass, babies, and Everclear for breakfast.: 3.16
Moose shoot themselves when they hear Chuck Norris is going hunting. On an unrelated note, Chuck hunts with his hands.: 2.745
In the film "The Octagon", Chuck Norris is often mistakenly interpreted as listening to his conscience.  He has no conscience, but he does keep the Buddha nestled in the safety of his beard.: 3.727
Chuck Norris couldn't strangle you, but he'd sure as hell decapitate you.: 2.209
Chuck Norris was arrested in the early 80's for throwing stray cats at oncoming buses.: 4.108
Chuck Norris was once hired as a stuntman for Charlton Heston in The Ten Commandments. They needed someone who not only wore a beard, but also could part the Red Sea.: 6.0
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the blackness out of Michael Jackson. The obsession with young boys came later, as a side effect.: 5.175
Chuck Norris' incredible dance moves were the inspiration for the popular scene from Napoleon Dynamite. A copyright infringement suit was reccommended, but Chuck decided to just kill Jon Heder.: 3.448
Chuck Norris considered the movie "Sin City" a chick flick.: 3.37
In the 14th century Chuck Norris got so mad he roundhouse kicked a third of the population of Europe to death. He then forced the rest to blame it on rats or be kicked as well. This is now known as the Black Plague.: 2.333
Chuck Norris taught the Crane Kick to Mr. Miyagi. He created it when he picked "Faggot" in Charades.: 5.829
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".: 7.53
For the sake of convenience, the Grim Reaper is Chuck Norris' receptionist.: 5.0
"Instead of the morning after pill, after unprotected sex have sex with Chuck Norris.  His sperm will roundhouse kick and kill all \"non-Norris\" sperm penetrators.  ": 4.692
Chuck Norris used his bare hands and caught the Road Runner. He then roundhouse kicked Wile E. Coyote for being so incompetent.: 6.297
Chuck Norris slaps Vin Diesel whenever he feels like it.: 4.563
Chuck Norris eats tiger hearts every morning for strength, power, and wisdom. He eates men's hearts for sport.: 4.98
Chuck Norris Jr. will never be "emo". Chuck would kill himself if he was the creator of that pussy shit.: 4.588
Chuck Norris killed a man, used his powers to bring him back to life, and killed him again. Now thats justice.: 3.84
Chuck Norris thinks that MacGyver is a bitch. To prove this he roundhouse kicked Murdoch in the face and killed him instantly. MacGyver scared for his own life, quickly fashioned a space ship and escaped to live in outer space. Chuck Norris awaits his day on SG-1.: 5.189
Elian Gonalez decided to go back to Cuba because it was rumored that Chuck Norris was tired of seeing his face on the News.: 3.28
Chuck Norris invented the life cycle so that he wouldn't have to repeatedly kick the asses of the same people for eternity.: 5.584
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cheesewheel to show a group of third graders how badass he is.: 2.789
It has been proven that Superman can defeat a locomotive. Then he got cocky and challenged Chuck Norris. He's still in a coma.: 5.254
Chuck Norris sweats diesel fuel: 4.666
The gas prices do not effect Chuck Norris in any way, his car runs on pride.: 6.372
Chuck Norris can complete the New York Times crossword puzzle with a permanent marker.: 5.568
Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.: 4.74
Chuck Norris was going to serve as a sideman for Sting's solo career, but decided that, "It was never meant to be." He then proceeded to stab Elliot Smith.: 1.865
Chuck Norris once bowled a 400 game.: 5.818
Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.: 6.604
Chuck Norris doesn't speak. He thinks words towards his foot and then roudhouse-kicks them at your brain.: 4.28
Because of all Chuck Norris' casualties, the next edition of Webster's dictionary will include the new word "Norricide".  It's definition? "The systematic and planned extermination of an entire national, racial, political, or ethnic group solely using roundhouse kicks".: 4.755
Chuck Norris was the fifth Teletubby.  His name was "Kil Kil".: 3.458
Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.: 6.478
Chuck Norris shot 2pac and Biggie, but the police were too afraid to actually arrest him in fear of being roundhouse kicked and sodomized.: 2.537
Chuck Norris once shaved his beard. When he did, the last unicorn died.: 3.6
I once asked Chuck Norris for his autograph, and he signed his name as "Daffy Duck". When I confronted him, he kicked my teeth in.: 2.823
"The original title for Star Wars was Skywalker:Texas Ranger starring Chuck Norris. ": 4.557
One gram of Chuck Norris will power the entire universe for 17 years if placed in a nuclear reactor instead of uranium or plutonium.: 3.51
Chuck Norris is such a man that every pair of his pants require a third leg.: 4.442
If you ever come across Chuck Norris in the wild, just play dead until he is long gone. Although chances are that he'll know what you're doing because Chuck Norris knows everything.: 5.066
If you ever see Chuck Norris running, it's already too late.: 6.6
Chuck Norris cast Eve out of the Garden of Eden. He told the bitch not to touch his apples.: 5.152
Chuck Norris drives around in a Mazda Miata just to find gay guys to roundhouse kick.: 4.69
When Chuck Norris was a child he built a small village in his sandbox. That village is now the United States of America, God shed his grace on thee.: 3.315
Chuck Norris used to work for the Make a Wish Foundation. We all know where this one is going.: 3.809
God actually took eight days to create Heaven, Earth and the universe. Chuck Norris just thought the name Lufday was stupid.: 2.444
Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.: 6.88
There is no such thing as shooting stars, only people who have been roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.: 4.259
Chuck Norris has never found Waldo, but vows to kick his ass when he does.: 4.762
The reason Steven hawking is in a wheel chair is because he made the mistake of saying he was smarter then Chuck Norris.: 4.178
Chuck Norris went to a fortune teller once. She predicted pain.: 6.056
Chuck Norris went to the bathroom while at a party and came out with toilet paper stuck on his foot.  Nobody told him about it because they were afraid he would hurt them.  Chuck happened to look down to tie his shoe and saw the toilet paper.  He proceeded to beat up everyone at the party for not telling him that he had toilet paper stuck on his shoe.  When it comes to Chuck Norris, it's always a lose-lose situation.: 4.321
"The Chuck Norris diet consists of nails, drug dealers and children. ": 4.911
Chuck Norris was once pulled over by a cop for going through a 25 mph school zone doing 80 in his Ford Pinto. When the cop looked inside the car to give Norris a ticket, the incredible amount of badassness emanating from Chuck Norris instantly made him go insane, causing him to pull out his gun and shoot himself in the head. Norris laughed all the way home, and drove and extra 10 mph faster just for spite.: 4.489
People are known to have their ass beaten by the shadow of Chuck Norris.: 3.537
Chuck Norris was the 1987 USWF Weight Lifting Champion. This is considered very impressive considering Norris didn't even enter the tournament, but won anyway because he's fucking awesome.: 4.412
Chuck Norris is capable of flawlessly executing complex martial arts routines after seeing them once, yet he cannot even spell his own name.: 1.978
Like a shark with a beard, Chuck Norris can smell 1 part blood in 1 million parts water.: 3.866
Chuck Norris was visiting an elementary school teaching pupils about discipline through martial arts. At the end of his lecture he asked if there were any questions. One child put his hand up and asked who his mentors were when he was a child. Upon hearing this, Norris went over to the child, bent down and screamed in his ear "You can't handle the truth!" before delivering a roundhouse kick to the throat. That'll teach the little bastard.: 3.179
If Chuck Norris were to eat a snake, lion and a eagle he would poop out a griffin.: 3.302
Chuck Norris found the cure to cancer a long time ago. he didn't tell anyone, stating it would "be funnier this way".: 6.439
Chuck Norris doesn't get a "stiffy", he gets a "Chuck Norris": 5.2
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.: 4.655
Gravity is the scientific term for the attractive force of Chuck Norris.: 3.914
The tighter the jeans on Chuck Norris, the more kick ass he becomes.: 4.472
The game Halo is actually based on Chuck Norris' real life. However, the game designers decided to put a helmet on the main charcter so that heads wouldn't explode at the sight of Chuck Norris in space.: 4.041
If ever you have a day when you feel that the gods are against you, just be glad that Chuck Norris isn't.: 5.787
When you die, the last thing you see is Chuck Norris.: 4.763
When an airport worker told Chuck Norris that his flight was delayed, he told her that her pregnancy was delayed and did jumping jacks on her uterus.: 4.38
On April Fools of 1986, Chuck Norris pranked the United States by killing everyone in the state of Minnesota.: 4.64
Chuck Norris can stop time for up to two hours by thinking about pineapples: 3.861
Chuck Norris once bought a six pack and a bag of Cracker Jacks with a couple of paper clips, some lint, and a rubber band and   got $4 in change back.: 4.523
Chuck Norris hasn't set foot in his backyard since 1985. When asked to explain this fact, he simply said, "Some wounds go too deep.": 3.444
Chuck Norris, every day for breakfast, consumes 8 to 10 gallons of crude oil as a supplement to milk. His only remark to the public regarding his nutrition plan was, "It's just as healthy as milk, only cheaper." He gets 18 miles to the gallon.: 2.895
Chuck Norris will die December 23, 2012.: 1.645
Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.: 4.906
There is a 100% chance that Chuck Norris is your father.: 4.111
Chuck Norris inspired Jesus to grow a beard.: 5.172
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.: 5.8
Chuck Norris once moonlighted as a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. With two roundhouse kicks he made Tori Spelling the most beautiful woman in the world. But when he found out she took a magazine from his waiting room, he visited the Spelling home and performed an informal second "procedure". Aaron spent all of his Fantasy Island, Vegas, Charlie's Angels, T.J. Hooker and 90210 money combined to fix the damage. Judge for yourself the results.: 2.583
Chuck Norris goes uphill skiing.: 6.196
Chuck Norris once had to bend Vin Diesel over his knee and spank him after he "disrespected" the roundhouse kick.: 3.666
Chuck Norris sweats Gatorade.: 3.596
Chuck Norris invented water.: 2.27
They say Jesus was conceived immaculately because there are no words beautiful enough to describe Chuck Norris having sex.: 3.076
It was proclaimed that the character Walker Texas Ranger was based on the life of Chuck Norris' grandson, Toby Norris, in the year 2030, and slightly changed to a western theme. When asked about the shows theme change Norris replied, "It's just more realistic that a cowboy sheriff is a martial arts master..." Norris then threw a smoke bomb on the floor and vanished, but had to come back because he forgot his car keys.: 2.476
Chuck Norris loves playing Horseshoes. But nobobdy has ever built up the courage to tell Chuck that throwing midgets at gigantic piece of rusty metal is not the way everyone else plays.: 6.714
Chuck Norris, unlike most people, is able to breathe in the vacuum of space. In fact, anything else would damage his respiratory system. Because of this, whenever he's visiting Earth, he wears a respirator, which resembles a kickass beard.: 4.827
Chuck Norris can peel oranges with his eyelids.: 4.103
Chuck Norris can read lips with his eyes closed.: 5.745
"\"Girls Night Out\" is code for \"Going over to Chuck Norris' house to have wild monkey sex\".": 5.5
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.: 5.897
Chuck Norris beat Super Mario Bros. 3 in 45 seconds without using the Flute or warp pipes.: 4.23
Chuck Norris was the first human to willingly snort anthrax, all he did was sneeze and out came Steven Seagal and Jet Li.: 3.727
Legend has it that an epic battle took place between Chuck Norris' mullet and beard for the title of signature hair of Chuck Norris. Cast into obscurity, the defeated mullet was doomed to become Clay Aiken.: 5.685
Chuck Norris saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by swithing to Geico. But, feeling he could press his luck, he roundhouse kicked the insurance company to the face. He doesn't pay car insurance anymore.: 4.727
Iraq was accused of hiding weapons of mass destruction because Chuck Norris secretly vacationed in Baghdad.: 6.196
The real reason that Budd Dwyer killed himself was because he owed Chuck Norris 48 dollars. Chuck doesn't care how much or how little you owe him, or whether or not you can pay it back; he's still going to eat you.: 2.36
Trix aren't for kids. Silly rabbit. Trix are for Chuck Norris: 2.878
Little Orphan Annie had a hard knock life because of Chuck Norris.: 5.851
Chuck Norris once performed an abortion by ramming his fist into a lady's stomach, pulling out the fetus, and biting its head off.: 3.365
Chuck Norris may cause nausea, vomiting, headaches, dry mouth or anal seepage.: 3.869
Bruce Lee's death (brain swelling) was directly related to Chuck Norris recieving second place to him in a martial arts contest. Coincidence? Norris doesn't think so.: 2.634
"\"The road less traveled\" is less traveled because Chuck Norris lives on it.": 6.531
Chuck Norris once ripped a man apart for calling his penis enormous. Everybody knows Chuck Norris' penis is gargantuan beyond mortal comprehension.: 3.83
Chinese women gargle a mixture of panther blood and Chuck Norris's pubic hair to insure that they conceive male children.: 4.704
Chuck Norris and God go way back. They served in 'Nam together, Chuck saved God's ass by taking 84 bullets in the groin, abdomen, and chest Of course Chuck didn't do this to save God, bullets to him are like food to us, it fuels him, he subsequently used his penis to torch 'Nam and was back in time for tea, which for Chuck Norris is 20 bullets in the back.: 2.837
It is written that one day Chuck Norris will team up with Mr. T and Hulk Hogan. They will patrol the land roundhouse kicking, leg dropping, and pitying every fool insight. This is known as the apocalypse.: 6.229
Chuck Norris doesn't have friends, just enemies he hasn't killed.: 6.291
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his grandmother in the face for telling him there is no Santa Claus.: 4.932
Chuck Norris knows Steven Segall personally. He is made up of the corn in Chuck Norris' fecal matter.: 3.5
Chuck Norris knows that George W. Bush is lying when he says he is doing everything he can to hunt down Osama bin Laden because Bush has not yet consulted Norris nor the A-team.: 5.72
Chuck Norris is listed on the New York stock exchange.: 3.659
Chuck Norris is actually the love child of Willie Nelson and an mystical ninja mummy.: 3.095
"Chuck Norris's friends once threw him a surprise birthday party. Unfortunately, when Chuck Norris unexpectedly saw all those people in his house, his mind involuntarily went into \"defense/kill\" mode. Chuck Norris lost many dear friends that day. ": 6.555
When Chuck Norris feels playful, he will tell you that there is something on your shirt. When you look down, he flicks you on the nose with his finger and laughs profusely for ten minutes. He then decides playtime is over and roundhouse kicks you in the face.: 4.805
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. Although Chuck failed at building a the Missle Defense System, he did use this as the prototpy for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.: 2.365
The unseen gold thing in the briefcase in "Pulp Fiction" was a picture of Chuck Norris's penis.  Samuel L. Jackson's reluctance to give up the case is what makes him a Bad Mother Fucker, not his wallet.: 4.53
Chuck Norris doesnt believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris: 4.0
Chuck Norris invented the Mormon religion so he could practice polygamy. His brides are sin, death, pain, and chaos. And yes, he has an orgy with them every night.: 3.911
Once, while traveling in space, a stray asteroid collided with Chuck Norris' testicles, slicing the left one off. Just to prove that he's badass, he ejaculated with only one testicle to stop the testicle that he didn't have. This event is recreated  in the end of Final Fantasy VII.: 2.086
It is a scientific fact that any woman who masterbates to a picture of Chuck Norris will climax in 2.83 seconds, then immediatly explode.: 4.577
In 1979, Chuck Norris became the first black man to win the New York Marathon.: 3.517
Alexander the Great conquered Europe, the Mediterranean, North Africa, and most of Asia, the largest empire man had ever known, by the age of 18. Unfortunately, he met a 17-year-old Chuck Norris in India who roundhouse kicked him, his army, and his empire and turned the remaining juice into wine. Then he had sex with Cleopatra, sipping the wine.: 3.255
Chuck Norris snorts puppies for breakfast.  He says it gives him that certain "whoosh" he needs to begin his day.: 3.872
"It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: The Light Side, The Dark Side, and Chuck Norris.": 3.886
Jeeves gets all of his answers from Chuck Norris.: 6.714
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks outrank "natural causes" as a cause of death.: 3.895
Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.: 4.313
When Chuck Norris was a baby, the doctor slapped him to see if he would cry.  But Chuck Norris didn't cry, he merely stood up on the table and roundhouse kicked the doctor in the face.: 3.66
Chuck Norris can take a sardine and a bread crumb and feed the known world.  Take that Jesus.: 2.759
"Chuck Norris' semen is what makes Special K so special. ": 3.24
Chuck Norris knows how much wood a wood chuck chucks. Chuck chucks more.: 4.5
Putting 58008 into a calculator and turning it upside down you get BOOBS, and putting Chuck Norris into a calculator and turning it upside down gets you a deadly roundhouse kick to the face.: 3.22
When someone says,"I traded blows with Chuck Norris," what that really means is Chuck gave them a mean roundhouse to the face before making them suck his dick.: 5.627
Chuck Norris says that guys who pop their collars up are faggots. Period.: 5.021
Chuck Norris eats Failure for breakfast, and shits out Success less than one hour later.: 5.77
Over 500 Americans are arrested daily for public indesency. Chuck Norris is commended for it.: 3.958
Chuck Norris has a sweet tooth. For blood.: 5.439
The ancient rulers of China built a 4,000 mile wall to keep Chuck Norris out. Chuck Norris went around.: 4.741
"If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris's fully erect penis.": 4.75
"Chuck Norris hates Spongebob Squarepants so much that he sucked up the ocean, roundhouse kicked his way into Spongbob's pineapple house, then used him to scrub his asshole. ": 3.023
For every hour a plane ride takes, Chuck Norris can get to the destination in that many steps.: 1.95
Chuck Norris tells time by staring directly into the sun.: 4.963
"Chuck Norris fought Gandhi in the very first Ultimate Fighting Championship and won in less than 15 seconds by crushing Gandhi's rib cage with a single punch. Later, officials questioned the validity of the match, as it took place in Gandhi's home, while he was asleep.  ": 5.567
The role of Alf, from the hit 80's TV show of the same name was actually played by Chuck Norris' penis.: 3.836
Chuck Norris' last option is violence. It is also his only option.: 5.728
Chuck Norris breifly played two seasons of minor league baseball for the Austin Ranchers in 1972. He wore a uniform made of denim.: 2.698
Whenever Chuck Norris hears the "Numa-numa" song, he roundhouse-kicks the closest fat kid.: 4.533
Chuck Norris once had sexual intercourse with a female Blue Whale just to prove he was the most masculine beast on the planet.: 4.152
Had Chuck Norris lived during the time of Sun Tzu, The Art of War would have been called The Art of Chuck.: 4.215
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.: 6.676
A Chuck Norris cartoon was in the works, but was scrapped when Chuck demanded that his character be anatomically correct.: 5.432
Chuck Norris has three birthdays a year.: 4.014
Chuck Norris once fought a bear simply because it dared to grow more body hair than Chuck Norris.: 6.792
Chuck Norris has had plastic surgery to look more like Chuck Norris.: 4.137
Chuck Norris carries no money. Pain is his only currency.: 5.479
You lose one year of your total life expectancy everytime you look at the image of Chuck Norris.: 4.15
Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer by kicking the air.: 2.297
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of "Sports" by Huey Lewis and the News. Although Chuck failed at building a the Missle Defense System, he did use this as the prototpy for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.: 3.823
Chuck Norris sees dead people. He is the one who killed them.: 5.84
Chuck Norris has publicy admitted to having a threesome with the Olsen twins.: 2.622
Chuck Norris once won an Olympic gold medal for longest ski jump. His medal was revoked after it was discovered he accomplished this feat completely barefoot.: 5.372
If a child ignores the "You Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride" signs at an amusement park, Chuck Norris immediately jumps out from behind the sign and roundhouse kicks the child in the face, before impregnating the child's mother with his beard.: 3.535
Chuck Norris once destroyed an entire village during a drunken brawl, killing over 345 people. Feeling bad, he used his native american mind powers to rebuild the village and return its inhabitants to life.: 2.469
Chuck Norris can make your nose bleed with his mind.: 3.421
The only thing Chuck Norris ever lost was his virginity: 6.454
Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.: 7.0
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.: 5.52
Dust is afraid to fall on Chuck Norris's Belongings: 5.142
Chuck Norris doesn't take showers, he runs until the sweat cleans him up.: 3.863
The real reason Stephen Hawking is in a Wheelchair is not because of ALS but because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the back for beating him in a spelling bee.: 2.964
Chuck Norris once knocked out Mike Tyson in a bare knuckle boxing match... with both hands tied behind his back.: 4.2
Chuck Norris pimped Xzibit's ride.: 2.803
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.: 4.79
Chuck Norris actually has nine penises, but only one is attached to his body. Eight of them float around independently doing what they will.: 3.777
Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud.: 6.406
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.: 6.593
Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.: 6.977
Chuck Norris converted to Islam. Upon his death he was sent to heaven and presented with 72 virgins. With a shake of his head and a stroke of his beard he said, "Been there, Done that.": 4.358
Chuck Norris can cut through molecules, making him a living atom bomb.: 2.75
"Chuck Norris in the year 2042 defeated France in World War III by roundhouse kicking the entire French army back in time, their ancestors have ever since been unable to fight properly, in fear of what Chuck Norris might do the next time. ": 3.666
Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.: 6.08
One time a foolish young man made direct eye contact with Chuck Norris while asking him for his autograph. Chuck Norris became so angry that he ejaculated fluorosulfuric acid at a velocity near the speed of sound into the boys chest, carving a fleshwound that spelled out "Best wishes, Chuck Norris" in cursive. He then went back to drinking his delicious Pearl beer.: 3.439
Only one photograph of Chuck Norris giving the thumbs down exists. It was confiscated by the CIA in 1992 when it was discovered viewing it will result in your home being blown up instantaneously. It was then photocopied and distributed throughout the red states reading "Hope they play Walker, Texas Ranger in hillbilly hell".: 4.785
Moses didn't part the Red Sea. Chuck Norris dropped his erection across it and the water didn't have the balls to go back.: 3.048
Instead of tipping waitresses, Chuck Norris tells them they can be content with no tip, or 15% and hearing the soft, dull crack of their necks snapping.: 4.741
Chuck Norris is the creator of myspace. He made the site just to make a list of everybody that he wants to kill.: 5.128
Chuck Norris uses a live squirrel as a loofah in the shower, brushes his teeth with elderly men, and gargles with fire and loose gravel.: 3.629
Sperm count for a normal human male ranges from 20-150 million. Chuck Norris' sperm count is only one, but it's two feet long, and wants out NOW.: 4.65
In the year 2010, Chuck Norris' beard will be declared the 51st state.: 4.307
Life on earth is proof that Chuck Norris has never become truly angry.: 3.437
Chuck Norris can run a mile in under 5 seconds.: 2.428
"Chuck Norris is actually the undefeated champion of the popular Japanese television show, \"Iron Chef\". His secret ingredient: love.": 3.177
The first human was not Adam, it was Chuck Norris. The only reason God created Eve was because Chuck Norris needed someone to roundhouse kick and make babies with.: 3.45
Chuck Norris went to Orange County, California and single-handedly kicked everyone's ass for one day being forced to watch The O.C.: 5.0
When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.: 6.056
Chuck Norris was the Fifth Ninja Turtle, but he was kicked out when he refused to wear a protective shell and continued to maintain that "Roundhouse Kick" was the only weapon he needed.: 5.326
To be stuck between Chuck Norris and hard place makes the hard place pretty damn appealing.: 5.562
Chuck Norris showers in Pabst Blue Ribbon and mongoose blood.: 3.423
"Chuck Norris can reverse the flow of time by performing a roundhouse kick backwards. ": 3.441
Before filming Missing in Action II, Chuck Norris invented mathematics, so they could complete the title.: 3.844
Chuck Norris could kill the entire population of China, assuming they all came at him in a straight line, or surrounded him in a circle.: 4.613
Chuck Norris once ate 9 bullets and they lodged in one of his massive chocolate loafs.  We now call that chocolate loaf 50 Cent.: 5.022
The "Chuck" in Chuck Norris is not short for Charles, it's short for Chuck Norris.: 6.211
Normal people shave. Chuck Norris scares the hair back in.: 6.312
Chuck Norris can outlast God in running suicides.: 2.307
Chuck Norris scared God into giving men nipples. They are his targets.: 4.078
"Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked an albino black.  ": 2.04
There are no such things as volcanoes, there is only Chuck Norris removing a zit.: 1.617
Not to be outdone by the popularity of Marky Mark's third nipple, Chuck Norris willed into creation a magical teat located just to the right of his belly button that generates a stream of crude oil whenever Chuck hears the song "Good Vibrations".: 3.795
Chuck Norris has a reinforced titanium toilet, as his urine is shot out with such amazing force it would shatter a standard porcelain toilet.: 4.021
A reporter once asked Chuck Norris how he had gotten such a violent reputation. Chuck Norris responded, "By being violent."  The reporter was promptly carried away from the interview in several pieces.: 5.822
Chuck Norris once beat Mike Tyson's Punch Out in the desert while trimming red hair from his taint with a box cutter. What? You say there are no outlets for the Nintendo in the desert? Tell that to Chuck Norris.: 2.34
Chuck Norris' five o' clock shadow appears at noon.: 5.096
Some people eat pepperoni on their pizza. Some people have canadian bacon. Chuck Norris usually has Venezuela.: 4.081
All Mortal Kombat fatalities are based off of Chuck Norris moves.: 4.98
Chuck Norris has yet to find footwear that does not explode when exposed to the sheer might of his feet. As such, he has developed the ability to morph his feet to mimic any type of shoe or boot, anytime.: 2.565
Chuck Norris ejaculates shotgun shells. This is the reason why 5 prostitutes have been found D.O.A. with their face blown off in Texas.: 4.0
"The original ending, as suggested by Chuck Norris to George Lucas, to Return of the Jedi consisted of the Rebel Alliance finding Chuck Norris on the moon of Endor.  The Rebel Alliance realized the power they had in front of them, and begged Chuck to help them defeat the Empire's Death Star.  Chuck then jumped into space and roundhouse kicked the Death Star, which exploded in a fiery bang.  In the last scenes, Leia left Han for Chuck, Chewbacca became Chuck's life-debt servant, and Luke decided to drop Jedi training and study under Chuck.  The ending was never made because it was too awesome for George Lucas to comprehend. ": 5.862
When Chuck Norris was interviewed by local papers as to why he saved the baby from the fire he replied, "I was hungry.": 4.938
Chuck Norris played the shark in Jaws: 3.702
When someone does Chuck Norris a favor, he never says, "Thank you" but only, "You're welcome" for allowing them to do a favor for Chuck Norris.: 5.052
Chuck Norris is not a man; he is the culmination of hundreds of years of black oppression.: 3.307
Chuck Norris likes to dress up in a "Barney" suit and visit the local kintergardens. When the happy little children ask Chuck to sing a song he roundhouse kicks the shit out of them, removes his mask, and says, "I'm not a jukebox, you little fucker.": 4.659
Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start with a lighter weight and work his way up.: 3.779
The Fantastic 4 was originally The Fantastic 5 until Chuck Norris was kicked out for raping the Invisible Woman.: 4.185
Chuck Norris' shadow looked at him funny one day so he roundhoused his shadow in the face. He no longer has a shadow.: 5.807
Chuck Norris didnt roundhouse kick Ray Charles because he was blind, he roundhoused Ray Charles because he was black.: 3.542
Chuck Norris will kick you, and it will hurt. Forever.: 3.786
Chuck Norris is the only person in history to have went black and went back.: 6.474
"Surgeon Generals Warning: Do not use Chuck Norris when pregnant or nursing.": 3.576
Chuck Norris is his own father.: 2.375
When Chuck Norris walks he rotates the world beneath his feet; he has never moved.: 4.931
In 2001, Chuck Norris kicked off Alex Trebek's mustache after not answering in the form of a question.: 5.517
When God and the Devil play a game of football, Chuck Norris is the field they play upon.: 2.735
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.: 5.979
Chuck Norris is both blessed and cursed with the ability to destroy anything by merely by looking at it. To prevent this from happening, Chuck personally removed his eyes and now uses Bob Saget as the stick blind persons use to locate objects in their path. He can also use incredibly high pitched Karate screams as sonar.: 2.909
Most people don't know that Chuck Norris owns Columbia and Vietnam. After having seen all three Missing in Action and Delta Force movies, these countries decided it was best to surrender themselves to him.: 4.593
Chuck Norris produces enough testosterone to power the entire state of New York four times over.: 3.512
Chuck Norris held the world record for the Rubik's Cube at 6 seconds until he broke it himself in 3 seconds - this time with his penis fully erect.: 3.767
Chuck Norris' safety is guaranteed when he pushes it to the limit.: 2.515
The Sun was actually the explosion resulting from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking God after he was told "thou shalt not kill".: 1.833
It's been foretold that Chuck Norris once cured a dying lamb on the side of the road. Legend states that he picked up the lamb and rubbed his beard against it. Naturally, it was cured of all its ailments. At this point, Chuck Norris threw the lamb up into the air and roundhouse-kicked it in the face, killing it instantly. Quote Chuck Norris, "Chuck Norris giveth, and Chuck Norris taketh away.": 4.75
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please.": 5.537
Some turds sink and some turds float, all of Chuck Norris turds turn into Tonka Trucks.: 3.945
Young men are having more sex with their female teachers because Chuck Norris has been having sex with almost all of the 14 to 17 year old girls.: 4.714
Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.: 4.447
"Chuck Norris doesnâ\x80\x99t have a horn in his pick-up truck. Instead he channels all his roadrage in one gigantic roar of pure manhood. The roar is so powerful that it makes all the other vehicles implode instantly, killing everybody sitting inside them. He then roundhouse kicks his way out of his imploded truck.": 3.172
In 1979, Chuck Norris swallowed a woman's uterus whole. Later that year he gave birth to Vin Diesel.: 2.457
Since the presence of Chuck Norris drives women wild with desire and makes men quake with terror, it is very disruptive to film him with other actors. For each episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger," Chuck Norris filmed his scenes alone so that they could be added later using editing and special effects. This is also why his acting appears, occassionally, to be a little wooden.: 5.0
Chuck Norris once downed a 40 of malt liquor at an AA meeting.: 4.419
Chuck Norris masterbates with a belt sander.: 4.039
"Chuck Norris has never owned a single piece of footwear.  Instead, his feet morph into the following forms: cowboy boots, jungle boots, iron feet, and penis.": 3.105
Chuck Norris once escaped from a Cambodian prison camp by sanding through a rock wall with his facial hair.  The guards were outraged.  This is why you rarely see an Asian with a beard.  Cambodian prison guards no longer allow it.: 5.826
Chuck Norris has a dick so big his wife had to have her jaw surgically unhinged to give him a blow-job. Tragically, when Chuck came, she drowned.: 3.571
"Chuck Norris invented turbans so that when he visits the Middle East there is always a towel nearby for him to wipe his sweat off on. ": 2.391
Chuck Norris has done approximatly five hundred thousand dollars worth of damage just from kicking people out windows.: 3.305
Chuck Norris can stare into the sun all he wants, but the sun can't stare at Chuck Norris for more than a few seconds.: 6.5
The myth of Santa Claus was based around the early exploits of Chuck Norris. He traveled the world delivering roundhouse kicks to all children of the world while they were asleep in their beds. The part about being bad or good was added so children could sleep at night, Chuck Norris could care less about that.: 6.166
Chuck actually drew first blood. Then he kicked the shit out of all the week-end warriors before turning Rambo into Patrick from the SpongeBob Squarepants show with a well-placed roundhouse kick to the headband.: 1.75
Chuck Norris sheds his skin once a year.: 3.276
Chuck Norris is a man of few words. This is because his roundhouse kicks are actually a higher form of communication, but because normal humans are so far beneath Chuck in an evolutionary sense, we die when he tries to communicate.: 4.604
Chuck Norris was one of the original members of Wu Tang Clan, but quit because they weren't street enough.: 3.863
Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Bar.: 3.961
Chuck Norris once sucked a golf ball through a garden hose.: 2.403
Chuck Norris wipes twice without looking at the TP.: 2.061
Chuck Norris can't have pets. He had a dog once, but when it refused to do anything but lie on its back and quiver, Chuck had no choice but to eat it alive.: 3.272
Chuck Norris invented the roundhouse kick when he kicked a house around the world.: 5.465
The phrase "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood" was brought about by Chuck Norris, due to his daily exercise of lifting Giant Redwoods.: 2.777
Chuck Norris tried to stop looters in New Orleans purely with positive thought.  When that failed he shot them 14 times in the face with an assault rifle.: 3.09
While Chuck Norris hates slavery, he loves to whip the colored people.: 4.458
Continental Drift is caused by the Earth trying to make room for Chuck Norris.: 5.438
As legend would have it, just like his trusty Dodge Ram, Chuck is also powered by a 5.7L V8 hemi engine.: 3.976
Chuck Norris once killed a 10,000 pound bear, tore it into 10,000 pieces, and then fed it to a school of salmon just because he enjoyed the irony.: 6.028
Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.: 6.2
Chuck Norris got drunk at a bar and passed out. Luckily, his beard called him a cab, directed the driver to the correct address, and finally roundhouse kicked its way through Norris' front door. When Chuck awoke the next morning, he noticed breakfast and the daily paper by his bedside. Chucks beard thanks god for every day it remains unshaven and continues to recognize who it works for.: 4.822
In ancient times, ancient tribes would look to Chuck Norris to wipe out the imminent threat of Westernization, which he did with one fell kick.: 0.941
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the bedroom light off and get under the covers before the room turns dark.: 6.337
It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.  This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touch his shoes.: 6.28
Chuck Norris can smell carbon monoxide.: 4.695
Chuck Norris can crush a 6-pack with his rectum.: 3.857
Chuck Norris knows what Meatloaf wouldn't do for love.: 5.55
Outkast apologized for making Mrs. Jackson's daughter cry. Chuck Norris didn't, and swiftly roundhouse kicked Andre 3000 for being a pussy.: 4.681
Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.: 4.288
Chuck Norris once went swimming... The blue whale is now endangered.: 3.066
On the eighth day, God said, "Let there be Chuck Norris.", but put him into cryogenic sleep after he roundhouse kicked twelve Adams to death.: 4.277
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.: 6.245
"Chuck Norris is the sound of one hand clapping. ": 4.558
Chuck Norris once snorted a kilo of cocaine; it had no effect.: 3.641
Chuck Norris entered a $5,000 crossword puzzle contest. He won, and the word SLENT was added to all dictionaries as an acceptable synonym for smell.: 5.656
All 99 of Jay-Z's problems are Chuck Norris.: 5.619
"Chuck Norris never gets negative feedback on eBay. ": 5.277
Rumors falsely claim that b29 bombers dropped the atom bombs on Japan. The truth is that Chuck Norris threw the bomb all the way to Hirosima.: 3.166
Once Chuck Norris, on his way to a fight against Bruce Lee, had a layover in France for 3 hours. He impregnated the entire country.: 3.196
Chuck Norris was the original inspiration for MacGayver, but producers felt his excessive use of his own semen for his contraptions was inapropriate for television and a penis double was never found for shots Norris called "too gay".: 3.5
After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper, Chuck Norris became enraged at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six rubber bands, a spork from KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.: 3.4
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.: 7.561
Chuck Norris once told his moustache to strangle an entire Vietnamese village.: 3.041
Chuck Norris can never sleep. One nightmare from Chuck Norris would destroy everything in a 5,000 mile radius.: 4.375
One time this guy dreamt about kicking Chuck Norris' ass. His funeral was last Wednesday.: 4.32
Napalm is watered-down Chuck Norris semen.: 3.204
In "Walker Texas Ranger," cast members only wear clothing to hide their scars.: 4.734
Christopher Reeve was one of the few to survive an encounter with Chuck Norris.: 3.789
You know why people win the lottery? Because Chuck Norris once gave them the thumbs-up sign.: 4.789
Since Chuck Norris began speaking at high schools about teenage pregnancy, unplanned pregnancies are down 100%. He has planned every one.: 6.027
All restaurants are free "all you can eat buffet" for Chuck Norris because no one dare to ask him to pay.: 1.679
Not only did Chuck Norris once catch a bullet between his teeth, he then thanked the attacker, as he had a small piece of meat stuck in his teeth that he couldn't get out, and it was dislodged by the bullet. He then added "Oh, by the way..." and pulled the attacker's eyes out. Chuck Norris laughed and then went back to mowing his lawn without missing a beat.: 3.363
The soft drink beverage known as Mountain Dew is actually made entirely of Chuck Norris' urine. When you look at it through a microscope, you can see billions of microscopic Chucks, all waiting to roundhouse kick the shit out of your sperm.: 4.555
There once was a man from Nantucket. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face.: 3.136
At the end of the cold war, one of the Soviets key stipulations of the Nuclear disarmament treaty was that Chuck Norris would never leave the 48 contiguous states.: 4.638
Chuck Norris doesn't walk on water, the water kisses his feet.: 3.732
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.: 7.302
Chuck Norris has slept with every woman in the world just to be absolutely sure that he has fucked your wife.: 4.48
Chuck Norris doesn't know how to fight, but he does know how to kill with his fists.: 4.73
Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.: 5.423
Chuck Norris once did a cannonball into a pool. The Red Cross had to respond to the tsunami victims in the 12 closest neighboring cities.: 5.24
An average adult's intestine produces about half a liter of flatulent gas per day. Chuck Norris's intestine produces four feature length films every year, all written and directed by his spleen.: 2.812
Chuck heard about the movie "Cats Don't Dance" so he promptly skinned a cat alive, wore its skin, and performed "Jesus Christ Superstar" on Broadway.: 2.666
The film "Predator" is based on Chuck Norris' experiences as a toddler.: 5.812
Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it.: 4.728
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.: 5.619
Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.: 6.75
The 1 of 5 dentists that didn't recommend Chuck Norris got a roundhouse kick to the face.: 3.714
Chuck Norris' beard and nail clippings are considered hazardous to mere humans and are stored in casks usually reserved for atomic waste.  Since the atomic waste feels inferior to the power of the "Norris Waste", it is kept at a separate, and less guarded, facility at an undisclosed location.: 3.761
Chuck Norris can snuff the rooster.: 2.0
Chuck Norris can no longer see himself in the mirror because the first time he did, he killed his own reflection.: 5.181
Once Chuck Norris made Jean Claude Van-Damme cry just by staring at him.: 4.787
The the Geneva Convention specifically forbids the use of Chuck Norris in an international conflict.: 5.302
Rome wasn't built in a day they say. In a second Chuck Norris levelled it with a sneeze. Since it took more than a day to rebuild he invented Kleenex to prevent destruction of more of his favourite holiday destinations. It has never been the same  - the neighbourhood formerly known as Atlantis has never been found.: 1.8
Chuck Norris uses the Holy Grail for beer and Mr. Pibb.: 5.625
Walker Texas Ranger with Chuck Norris is the original reality-television show.: 2.735
Chuck was once in a Veit Cong prison camp but when they searched him and found his ID they let him go with their best bottle of Sake.: 2.847
Chuck Norris can weld titanium with his urine.: 4.451
Twenty years ago Chuck Norris smiled when he thought about elephants having sex. He has not smiled since.: 3.269
Chuck Norris has secretly kept a speech for an Oscar win for the last 25 years. It starts, "I can't fucking believe this either, but...": 5.127
Chuck Norris invented alcohol as a means to give people enough courage to fight him. He started to get bored with wiping brains off his boots so he invented prohibition.: 3.0
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.: 7.525
There is a little bit of Chuck Norris in each and every one of us. Mainly due to rape.: 5.042
God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.: 6.708
Chuck Norris still uses "soap on a rope" and says he wouldn't have it any other way.: 3.531
Chuck Norris never lags on Counter Strike.: 3.777
Chuck Norris is the one who pooped in the pool. As children scream and try to climb out, Chuck laughs and pushes them back in.: 4.925
Chuck Norris's heart beats once every full moon.: 3.66
Debbie did Dallas because she couldnt handle Chuck Norris.: 5.196
Not only does Chuck Norris talk in the third-person, he sees in the third-person.: 6.472
On August 12th of the year 1349, Chuck Norris used the Lord's name in vain. Some priests then tried to burn him at the stake for blasphemy. Right before they would light the fire, God came down and said "Hey assholes, give him a fucking break. Its fucking Chuck Norris. Christ." In case you were wondering, when I say "used the Lord's name in vain," the name to which I refer is Chuck Norris.: 2.15
Chuck Norris refers to all money in terms of the number of gumballs he could purchace. If you ask him how much a gumball costs, he will stare at you so hard your soul will die and your penis will fall off.: 2.588
Chuck Norris is hung like a newborn, eight pounds nine ounces: 4.793
You can never beat Chuck Norris, you only think you can...and while your thinking, you'll get a roundhouse kick to the face.: 4.931
Chuck Norris once won the Gold, Silver and Bronze in the Women's Bobsled. No one ever questioned how he did it.: 7.179
Area 51 is Chuck Norris' home address.: 6.909
Chuck Norris's cock is so large he has a fiveskin.: 3.54
Chuck Norris doesn't put lights on his Christmas tree. He just lights it on fire.: 3.702
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.: 7.909
When Chuck Norris golfs he yells "thirty-five" and if you get hit by his ball it's your own damn fault.: 3.733
Chuck Norris has never been able to sleep with a woman, simply because his penis has roundhouse kicked all of his attempted partners into space.: 2.186
As a baby, Chuck Norris could fit the square pegs in the circular holes.: 5.648
Chuck Norris doesn't like the idea of having a last name.  That's why he had his name legally changed from Chuck Norris, to Chuck Norris, with Norris being his second first name.: 5.714
Chuck Norris can read every AIM conversation for they are stored on the infinite hard drive of his computer.: 1.641
Guns are natural Chuck Norris' arm extensions.: 2.88
Chuck Norris can punch faster than the speed of light. Every time he hits someone his hands actually go back in time. His fists are only 23 years old.: 5.514
The scene from Scarface where Tony sniffs the table mountain of coke was inspired Chuck Norris' Super Sweet 16.: 4.212
Chuck Norris chews two bottles of Viagra when he wants his erections to go away.: 5.256
Chuck Norris' voice always echos, no matter what. Even in the vaccuum of space he will echo. Top scientists believe its the result of his tight jeans. Damn he has a sweet ass.: 4.272
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal.  Most times he forgets to kill the cow.: 4.931
Chuck Norris is so fertile that he impregnates a woman even when he pulls out.: 2.23
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.: 7.126
Chuck Norris owns and operates his own restaurant in Lubbock, Texas. Knuckle sandwiches are the only thing on the menu.: 4.358
Mr. T once pittied Chuck Norris. He never made that mistake again.: 5.392
Chuck Norris' blood type is D.O.A.: 4.209
One time, Chuck Norris escaped from Alcatraz with nothing but an elastic band and a plastic fork. This was was the inspiration for the song "Funkytown".: 2.583
Chuck Norris holds the Guinness World Record for eating badgers.: 4.391
Chuck Norris CAN do that on television.: 4.156
"The hit Fox show â\x80\x9CMan vs. Beastâ\x80\x9D was abruptly canceled after Chuck Norris beat a giraffe in a race, wrestled a bear to death, out-swam a dolphin, and roundhouse kicked the entire film crew in the face for the pitiful challenges they presented to him.": 4.404
On a hot Texas day, Chuck Norris heard a Yankee make the comment, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity that will kill you." Chuck immediately threw him into the sun.: 4.64
In Missouri, any depicition of Chuck Norris must be registered with the state as a lethal weapon.: 3.692
Chuck Norris breastfeeds John Madden.: 2.235
Chuck Norris has steel wool instead of body hair, which is why he does the dishes naked.: 4.547
Chuck Norris proposed to his wife by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in semen.  Needless to say, she said yes.: 4.166
Chuck Norris hates the French.  Thats why he tricked them into building a staute of his penis.: 4.541
Chuck Norris is the only person in history to successfully diss Dr. Dre without dissing himself.: 4.878
In some states Chuck Norris must remain naked due to concealed  weapon laws.: 7.444
Chuck Norris holds the world record for the shortest high school graduation speech. He simply walked out, grabbed the microphone and said venomously "If the bitch don't swallow, then you need to stomp her in the gut and go get a real fucking woman! I'm sick of this shit!" He then threw the microphone to the floor and stormed off stage.: 3.381
It is a commonly held belief of the Jewish faith that, as a mere babe, Chuck Norris was separated from his mother in a blizzard. To this day, he hates snow so much that he roundhouse kicks each individual snowflake. The concussive force makes them all unique.: 3.578
When Chuck Norris had his first erection he accidentally put a hole in the ozone layer.: 5.491
While still in the womb, Chuck Norris cut his own umbilical cord because "he didn't need anyone's help".: 4.909
Although the Chinese have a larger army than USA, they are reluctant to attack because they know we have Chuck Norris. Reruns of Walker, Texas Ranger haven't made their way to the Middle East yet.: 5.761
An entire episode of Walker, Texas Ranger was shot with the lens cap on. This made no difference, however, because the light emanating from Chuck Norris' beard permeated the plastic cap and allowed the camera to see Chuck in all his glory.: 4.302
"Chuck Norris made and sold 100 WWCND(What Would Chuck Norris Do) bracelets as a prototype for an extensive clothing line incorporating the same anagram, but the clothing line was shut down when all 100 buyers of the bracelet were executed on death row for murdering people with roundhouse kicks to the skull. ": 3.78
One day Chuck Norris was infact killed when he round house kicked someone in the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was reformed.: 5.672
"Gravity is scared to exert its force near Chuck Norris. Chuck counteracts gravities cowardice by wearing cement filled cowboy boots. Some credit his amazing roundhouse power to this but when asked Chuck said, \"I really just don't like floating around.\" ": 3.571
Chuck Norris' semen is the main ingredient in Miracle Gro.: 4.309
"In one episode of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris actually unhinged his jaw and swallowed his black partner whole.": 3.88
"Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.": 7.294
Chuck Norris once visited Heaven. Needless to say, no one will be getting their 72 virgins.: 5.422
Chuck Norris lucky number is one, becuase thats how many tries it takes him to accomplish any task.: 5.568
Hurricane Katrina was caused solely by Chuck Norris' distaste for jambalaya.: 4.206
"Missing in Action was not a movie.  It was live footage of Chuck Norris in a Vietnam POW camp filmed by the North Vietnamese Army.  Braddock was just the name Chuck used as an alias so that his fellow POW's wouldn't explode just from being in the same cell as Chuck Norris.  ": 3.907
Chuck Norris knows his jeans are tight but does't give a flying fuck.: 2.659
Chuck Norris constructed his own iPod by staring intensely at 10,000 country-western bands until they fearfully compacted themselves into a 2x4x1/2 inch white rectangle.: 4.557
Chuck Norris was raised to respect the views and opinions of others, with a swift kick to the face.: 4.222
"If Chuck Norris jumped off a bridge, you would to. ": 4.46
Chuck Norris is the reason that the Mona Lisa smiles.: 5.38
The British drive on the left side of the road, because Chuck Norris drives on the right.: 4.472
Santa Claus didn't bring Chuck Norris a gift one Christmas. Chuck caught him as he left the North Pole the following year and roundhouse kicked Santa so hard the Earth tilted off it's axis and stayed that way.: 2.697
"Against popular viewpoint Chuck Norris invented the phrase, \"Oh snap\" after breaking the back of every North Vietnamese soldier in DeltaForce 2. ": 3.686
All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again. Chuck Norris turned up later, and put Humpty together again, but only so he could "smash him good". Humpty remains in a critical condition.: 5.115
Chuck Norris once crushed a school bus full of children with his forehead.: 4.24
Women don't fantasize about Chuck Norris. They think back.: 6.755
Chuck Norris once played a game of strip poker with Loki. Loki, however, cheated and won, leaving Chuck standing naked before him, which caused the god to lust after his outstanding body figure. Chuck then said, "I see that twinkle in your eyes," and kicked Loki in the nuts.: 2.934
Chuck Norris once did the "gallon of milk in an hour challenge". After thirty seconds Chuck emptied ten gallons into buckets and downed them like they were shots. He then proceeded to titty-bang all the cows that produced the milk.: 4.416
Chuck Norris in fact won the Madden 2005 National Competition by default after all his competitors mysteriously withdrew from the competition with roundhouse to the face related injuries.: 3.943
Chuck Norris spends his weekends binge eating Duracel batteries. He does this so that on monday he can shit out a depleted-uranium tank round to fire at the short bus that drives by his house. This is funny because he could just as easily eat a well balanced meal and roundhouse kick the bus and its occupants into fiery oblivion.: 3.872
Chuck Norris told that one kid from the Sixth Sense that he has AIDS. He then smiled.: 2.92
If Chuck Norris was in the show 24, it would be called 2.: 2.947
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris single-handedly ended World War II when he roundhouse kicked Hitler and Hirohito in the face and told them to stop the shit.: 2.803
In Texas, it is illegal for Chuck Norris to wear gloves.  Something about concealing a deadly weapon...: 3.176
When Chuck Norris needs butter, he makes a girl give him head after pouring a gallon of milk into her mouth. Then roundhouse kicks her in the face to show that he didn't enjoy it, and that he only wanted butter.: 3.571
Legend has it that Chuck Norris single-handedly wrote the Constitution of the United States in blood from Thomas Jefferson.: 2.6
One time a little girl asked Chuck Norris for some spare change. He kidnapped her, ate her intestines, and published a novel about these events by the title "Where's Waldo".: 2.312
In Chuck's earlier years he was abled to not only do a roundhouse kick but he could do it with his legs tied to his hands and an asian glued to his chest.: 2.982
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.: 6.037
Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.: 7.069
Chuck Norris is automatically given the 30 extra lives when playing "Contra" without ever even touching the controls.: 6.022
Chuck Norris once hurled his body in the way of an 18 wheeler to save a baby, coincedently while performing his NFL style victory dance he spiked the baby into the ground and performed a perfect moonwalk.: 5.258
Chuck Norris invented wormholes for the sole purpose of roundhouse kicking Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler at the same time.: 5.727
Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men.: 5.41
Chuck Norris holds 83 NFL records. The most amazing being the longest pass and reception in NFL history which ocurred on the same play.: 3.829
Chuck Norris walks with somewhat of a limp; this is not the result of a stunt injury, as certain media accounts have insinuated, but because of his cumbersome rhinoceros balls.: 3.906
Chuck Norris never gets turned away at the door of a club. Not even for wearing a pink sleeveless shirt.: 3.818
Chuck Norris once juggled a soccer ball 2,357 times... with just his penis.: 3.375
When Harry Potter was about to grab the golden snitch, Chuck Norris grabbed it and roundhouse kicked him in the face and proceeded to have sex with Hermione. A week later she gave birth to three snakes.: 2.522
Chuck Norris cannot be seen without 4-D vision glasses. His beard requires 5-D vision glasses and sun screen.: 2.93
Chuck Norris can make a grown man cry with interpretive dance.: 4.648
Chuck Norris once destroyed Tokyo for fun, but was able to rebuild it in a matter of milliseconds.: 3.192
Chuck Norris' beard was the inspiration for the Swiss Army Knife.: 3.51
Chuck Norris killed for your sins.: 3.769
Chuck Norris must've been a pretty strong baby to climb out of the abortion bin.: 3.654
If you were to know Chuck Norris' true name, your mind would collapse upon itself.: 3.195
Ever wonder why you never see a Total Gym at your friends' houses? It's because when you actually call to order one Chuck Norris comes to your house and roundhouses you to death. It's not that he's a bad salesman, its just that he can't stand the idea of anyone actually believing they could possibly get as toned and muscular as him.: 5.04
The Bushwackers are missing their teeth because one day, back in the 80's, Chuck Norris was sitting ringside at a WWF event and they came down the aisle and licked Chuck's face.: 3.192
Chuck Norris once had his penis bronzed.  We now know it as "The Statue of Liberty.": 3.434
Chuck Norris is able to have unprotected sex with Paris Hilton and not get the clap.: 5.763
Peppy told Chuck Norris to do a barrel roll once. Peppy doesn't tell people to do barrel rolls anymore.: 0.909
If a tree falls in the middle of a forest and no one is anywhere around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it.: 5.4
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.: 6.033
"Chuck Norris once got into a fight with George Bush over who loved Texas more. After Bush was filmed wiping his ass on a DVD of the 4th season of Walker Texas Ranger, Norris burned Bush's Crawford ranch to the ground and forced Bush to eat his own family. Alive. ": 2.6
Chuck Norris can breathe through his ears.: 3.437
According to the Geneva Convention, Chuck Norris is not allowed to be used as a first strike weapon.: 6.192
Chuck Norris knows how to cure AIDS, but will only reveal the solution if Ralph Macchio is publicly executed.: 3.25
If you say, "Chuck Norris" five times into a mirror, he will kill you with a roundhouse kick, for making an allusion to a movie that doesn't star Chuck Norris or his beard.: 4.72
It takes a big man to cry,but it takes Chuck Norris to laugh at him.: 4.38
Chudk Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.: 3.083
The only child ever to survive a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris was Gary Colman. He has not grown since.: 4.258
Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "Cruisin' for a bruisin'" And yes, drugs were involved.: 2.281
Jesus has not returned to Earth yet because he is waitng for the Good Chuck's permission.: 3.578
George W. Bush wanted to nominate Chuck Norris for Supreme Court Chief Justice but the Separation of Powers called for by the Constitution doesn't allow that if the person is already this country's main Instrument of Justice.: 4.4
Chuck Norris' beard is actually a time travelling symbiotesymbiote sent back in time to kill Chuck, but failed and was forced by Chuck to forever be his face decoration.: 2.522
Originally, God created both Adam and Steve, but God's young apprentice, Chuck Norris, did not approve of Steve's incredibly gay behavior, so he roundhouse kicked Steve until the "S", "t", and penis were knocked out of him.: 4.127
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.: 6.629
Although he has received no credit, Chuck Norris invented all weapons known to man in order to give the armies of the world a chance against his insurmountable martial arts prowess.: 4.937
Chuck Norris NEVER pulls out!: 3.553
Chuck Norris can fully cook a turkey just by pointing at it.  Not the ones you buy at the store.: 3.666
The tsunami that occurred off the coast of Sri Lanka was actually caused by a Chuck Norris cannon ball.: 2.232
One time I was trapped on the roof of a burning building with no way down. I yelled, "Help me Chuck Norris. Help me!" I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I turned to my right to see what it was. It was a small dot in the sky, but as I stared, the object got closer and closer. It was Chuck Norris! He landed on the roof and gave me an autographed headshot of himself. He then took off and left me there. Today, 70 percent of my body is covered with 1st degree burns. Chuck Norris is an asshole.: 2.046
"Chuck Norris refers to bullet wounds as, \"a way to get that annoying blood out of my system so that I finally have room for that lava transplant.\" ": 2.38
Chuck Norris was originally scripted for the movie "Jerry Maguire" but he refused because he needed no one to complete him. He then promptly roundhouse-kicked the writer for such foolishness.: 4.869
The only thing that is more of a threat to your vision than staring directly at a solar eclipse is making eye contact with Chuck Norris.: 5.345
Chuck Norris's chest hair is used as an aphrodisiac in some small Asian countries.: 3.736
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?  No one knows, but Chuck didn't have to walk down any, and questioning his manhood tends to result in Sudden Infant Death Syndrome--no matter what your age.: 5.954
Chuck Norris was the inspiration for "The Clapper". He once broke into the home of Clapper inventor Joseph Pedott and every footstep of his would turn the lights on and off. So far, Pedott has failed in his quest to create a clapper that matches Chuck Norris' powers.: 1.75
Chuck Norris stays tough by having sex with a cactus at least twice a day.: 4.333
Chuck Norris is God's personal hitman.: 2.952
Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".: 7.677
"It is a little known fact that anyone who buys a Total Gym will also recieve a free naked picture of Chuck Norris. Should you decide to return your Total Gym, you will get your ass kicked, but may keep the picture as a free gift. ": 5.411
Chuck Norris drinks a special shake every morning for breakfast, the ingredients of which include yak milk, strawberry, banana, pineapple, a sprinkle of Bruce Lee's cremated remains, and two fetuses. He says the fetuses make it extra creamy.: 3.58
Only Chuck Norris knows if a tree that has fallen in the forest with no one there to hear it makes a noise... and he won't tell.: 4.472
Once Chuck Norris sneezed against the wind and caused the seasons to change two months early.: 4.807
Instead of warming up before a workout, Chuck Norris hammers himself to a crucifix and then pulls the stakes out with his teeth.: 3.686
Chuck Norris once drop-kicked a man through a speeding vehicle.: 2.76
Chuck Norris was once asked to join the A-Team. He refused, because there's no "Chuck Norris" in "A-Team.": 5.52
One time, while boating in the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Norris ate some bad clams and threw up overboard. His vomit solidified and became Hawaii.: 2.244
Chuck Norris drinks gasoline.: 1.32
Chuck Norris attempted to make his own world, but he sneezed right after the words "let there be" and terrorism was created.: 3.666
The speed of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick broke the sound barrier. And it didn't have health insurance.: 2.51
One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.: 3.433
A woman once claimed to be pregnant with Chuck Norris' child.  Chuck rubbed his beard on her belly, and two weeks later she urinated an aborted fetus along with the first season DVD of Walker, Texas Ranger.: 4.6
The popular measurement 'shit-ton' is relatively young, having been adopted 10 years ago in the aftermath of a White Castle eating competition between Mr T and Chuck Norris. White Castle lost.: 4.953
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.: 6.32
If anyone were to watch more than two episodes of Walker Texas Ranger in a three hour period, their TV will explode due to "Awesomeness Overload".: 2.714
Chuck Norris makes Jehovah's Witnesses eat the pamphlets they give him.: 4.535
Chuck Norris doesn't break up with his girlfriends... He punches them in the vagina and they leave.: 3.745
The name Chuck Norris translates to perfection in twenty different languages.: 4.666
Chuck Norris can split an atom with his teeth. He will then outrun the resulting blast.: 5.6
Chuck Norris doesn't care if Santa Claus is watching or not.: 4.853
"Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.": 7.45
Chuck Norris is currently filing suit against God for identity theft.: 4.142
Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".: 4.63
When asked if videogame-related violence was a threat to America's children, Chuck Norris promptly roundhouse kicked Jack Thompson in the face. Ironically, moments later two 13-year-olds were found dead less than a mile from the scene, attempting to reenact this stunt.: 5.215
Chuck Norris created the prototype for the Total Gym out of rubberbands, paperclips and the stem cells of orphans.: 3.533
A man compared Chuck Norris to Jean-Claude Van Damme once. Once.: 4.118
"Chuck Norris actually sang the Walker: Texas Ranger theme song.  This is not a joke.  He actually fucking sang it. Non-believers look it up.": 3.153
All Chuck Norris wants for Christmas is your two front teeth.: 5.761
Every time Chuck Norris throws a roundhouse kick, all women within 5 miles of Chuck immediately achieve orgasm.: 4.796
Chuck Norris let the dogs out. He has yet released a public apology for his actions.: 3.466
"Chuck Norrisâ\x80\x99s sperm is so fertile that a woman without ovaries, a uterus, or even a vagina is still guaranteed to become pregnant if she has sex with him. ": 2.875
Studies have shown that El Nino can be traced back to Chuck Norris' birth. Chuck Norris loves hot weather.: 4.428
Chuck Norris has a special ability to turn fruits into vegetables, all he has to do is send a fatal roundhouse kick to break the gay person's neck.: 5.933
Chuck Norris never misspells a word, because when two vowels go walking, Chuck does the talking.: 2.043
Chuck Norris consumed two kegs of beer at one sitting. It took him longer to float the beer during keg stand than it did to eat the aluminum shell.: 3.125
And on the seventh day, god said "Let there be Chuck Norris."  And all rejoiced.  Except those that received the roundhouse kick shortly thereafter.: 3.586
Chuck Norris drinks a concoction of liquid hot magma, gasoline, and Tropicana Pure Premium Original Orange Juice. Don't give Norris any pulp, or he'll give you the roundhouse.: 2.177
Chuck Norris knows whether the moon landings were fake or not.: 2.491
It was once said that in a bar brawl Chuck Norris choke slammed Andre The Giant with his dick.: 2.683
The failing economy didn't end communism in Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris did.: 4.595
Calista Flockhart weighed 367 pounds until she tasted Chuck Norris' semen. In the 16 years since that incident, she has refused to eat, saying that all food is disgusting in comparison.: 4.781
Chuck says that the people who wear those fake arrow hats for Halloween are pussies. To prove it, Chuck stuck an arrow through his own head.: 6.315
Chuck Norris' smile can blind a full-grown adult at twenty paces and has been known to deflect all projectile weapons, including rocket launchers.: 2.163
Chuck Norris never takes his boots off, and one Thanksgiving roundhouse kicked his grandmother's dentures out for asking him to do so. When asked why, a steely-eyed Chuck answered, "No boots, no Chuck," before vanishing in a flurry of spin kicks and snapping teeth.: 3.0
Chuck Noris has bed sheets that are made from 60 grade sandpaper.: 4.816
The Lincoln-Douglas debater were the greatest in American history. The winner of all 7 of these historic debates was Chuck Norris because if an individual took more than 10 seconds, to ask a question, Chuck Norris killed them.: 2.585
The wind generated by the speed of one Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is enough to blow the clothes off of 37 women.: 4.48
Chuck Norris spread the belief that women do not take shits... I believe him.: 2.25
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.: 7.666
Chuck Norris invented Mexicans on a bet with George Foreman.: 4.163
When Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel come within 400 feet of each other, an atomic blast occurs. This is why they can never take a trip to Japan ever again.: 3.296
The Chernobyl incident of 1986 was not actually caused by the reactor's flawed design, but rather the duce Chuck Norris dropped in the reactor's public rest room after a late night of sex and hot sauce chugging.: 3.302
Some people crawl before they walk, Chuck Norris round-house kicked before he walked.: 4.0
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?  Who ever it was is going to get dropkicked by Chuck Norris.  And then he will reach into their stomach to get the cookie back.  Chuck Norris likes cookies.: 2.56
Chuck Norris can literally melt a woman's heart with one steely eyed wink.: 3.701
The X-Men character "Wolverine" is actually based on Chuck Norris, only toned down so as not to upset children.: 6.134
God was created from one of Chuck Norris's ribs.: 3.527
Chuck Norris cloned himself just to see if he could kick his own ass. The result was the second ice age.: 4.135
Chuck Norris knows the trouble you've seen. Chuck Norris knows your sorrow. In fact, there's a greater than 95% chance he caused it.: 5.018
As a young boy Chuck Norris molested 426 catholic priests.: 4.612
Chuck Norris went as Chuck Norris for Halloween.  He got twice as much candy as anybody.: 6.423
Chuck Norris can fit 5 billiard balls in his mouth: 2.137
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.: 7.4
Chuck Norris created whiskey to help control the Indians.: 4.425
Chuck Norris lost his virginity to the Brady Bunch, twice.: 2.509
Chuck Norris does not bathe with soap or water. His body naturally sweats Mr. Clean.: 3.775
The idea for "The Incredible Hulk" came about when Stan Lee witnessed Chuck Norris trying to solve a rubix cube.  Chuck spun each side twice, and when the puzzle wasn't solved, he threw a subway car full of people into a Subway restaurant full of people.: 6.631
Chuck Norris once kicked a midget in the vagina and then the midget morphed into Carrot Top.: 1.361
Chuck Norris once read that if a Leprechaun is captured it is obligated to give its captor the pot of gold that it keeps hidden at the end of a rainbow. Within a half hour Chuck Norris had a basement full of Leprechauns and more gold then Mr. T.: 4.733
Chuck Norris killed Mcgyver by making a set of nun-chucks using newspaper, two toothpicks, a womans weave, and a 3 legged dog.: 3.959
Super Mario once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight. Mario used a mushroom to make himself bigger, but this only resulted in Chuck's roundhouse kick hitting him in the crotch instead of the face. Chuck Norris remains undefeated.: 3.476
In the early 1500s, Chuck Norris began a starring contest with Michelangelo's "David".  He hasn't blinked since.: 3.904
Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.: 3.303
Once Chuck Norris went to a fine dining establishment to get some dinner. When the waiter asked him if he would like regular toast of Texas toast with his meal, Chuck Norris round house kicked him in the face and said, "Texas toast is regular toast".: 4.941
"It's a well known fact that George Washington had wooden teeth. It is a lesser known fact that while Washington slept, Chuck Norris used his wooden teeth to trim his pubes. ": 2.8
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.: 5.945
Chuck Norris only let himself be beat by Bruce Lee because the Chinese Mafia were holding his roundhouse kick hostage, and they would've killed it unless he threw the fight.: 3.645
Chuck Norris is the worlds best actor because his moustache is  the worlds best acting coach.: 3.666
Chuck Norris once bench pressed Texas. He then found himself with an enormous appetite, so he decided to eat Rosanne Barr. Alive.: 3.047
Chuck Norris doesn't wake at the crack of dawn, The dawn cracks when Chuck Norris wakes.: 5.215
A man once made the mistake of butting in front of Chuck Norris in a line. Chuck then proceeded to physically shove the mans head up his own ass.: 2.98
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.: 5.895
Chuck Norris created the earth in two days. He spent the next 5 having rough sex with women to populate it.: 5.071
Hellen Keller was actually born with no ailments. However, she became blind, deaf, and dumb at age three after accidentally bumping into Chuck Norris in a crowded city street. Onlookers applauded as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into submission.: 3.625
Chuck Norris knows why men have nipples.: 3.708
Once, Chuck Norris was at the airport. When a plane flying from San Fransisco to New York wouldn't start, Chuck threw the plane, which ended up landing in the Gulf of Mexico. Chuck claimed his arm was sore because of overwork.: 2.729
Chuck Norris' name backwards, "Sirron kcuch" is Klingon for "The Beard of Death".: 5.444
Chuck Norris is the secret mastermind behind Bruce Lee's mysterious death. Close friends report that he thinks he beat his great master to death in an epic battle to determine Earth's greatest fighter. Those same friends are planning an intervention to send Chuck to an asylum.: 1.933
As a kid, Chuck Norris would always get picked last for the soccer team because all he would do is roundhouse kick the ball.: 3.809
Captain Planet is Chuck Norris' personal gardener.: 6.268
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.: 5.634
Chuck Norris had a medical procedure to remove his vestigial tail to increase the velocity of his roundhouse kicks. NASA then used the removed bone to make a special drill for pulverizing moon rocks.: 3.367
Chuck Norris can screw a flathead screw into the wall with a phillips screwdriver.: 5.255
Ever wonder where "num-chucks" got their name? That is the level of fighting power Chuck Norris has while on Novicaine.: 2.804
Chuck Norris is like Jesus. He loves the little children; they're delicious.: 3.139
There once was a man from Nantucket.  Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of him for living in a place with such a stupid name.: 5.18
"Chuck Norris can juggle 12 bar stools when drunk but only 8 when sober.  ": 3.672
Two weeks before Christmas, Chuck Norris took his family out to a Christmas tree farm. When they all found the "perfect tree", his son gave him a saw. Chuck laughed, threw the saw down and roundhouse kicked the tree over.: 2.442
Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. John Wilkes Booth was assassinated by Chuck Norris.: 4.194
"The only time Chuck Norris ever cried was when Liu Kang died. Chuck later decided Liu was a pussy for dying and chewed his copy of Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance in half.": 3.823
Chuck Norris enters a McDonald's without shoes or sandals, and still gets service: 4.0
Chuck Norris has never been "away" on vacation, the places come to him.: 2.812
Chuck Norris went through puberty before his dad did.: 4.698
"Chuck Norris had no co-stars on the set of Walker: Texas Ranger. He played every role, even the hot chick.": 4.482
Bulletproof vests are actually woven from Chuck Norris' beard trimmings.: 4.235
Chuck Norris was called to the set of the movie "Independence Day."  They needed a way to show the Statue of Liberty laying on its side.  To do this, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the statue down, let it lay long enough for them to film the scene, then stared at it until it stood back up.: 3.189
The CN Tower is actually a life-sized replica of Chuck Norris' erections. Hence the CN.: 4.25
Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.: 5.297
In 1995, Chuck Norris went on a vision quest at the behest of the chief of his Indian tribe. Upon entering the woods, he encountered a Dodo bird. He promptly kicked the Dodo in the face so hard it killed every one of the Dodo's ancestors. This is why the Dodo has been extinct since 1681.: 2.727
In order to shave, Chuck Norris would need a special razor made out of adamantium. The economic decline of the Carter administration caused the manufacturing of these razors to be too expensive, hence Chuck Norris now wears a beard.: 2.837
The Big Bang did not happen, Chuck Norris did.: 3.673
When Chuck Norris has a bad day, people die. When Chuck Norris has a good day... twice as many people die and a few things explode.: 6.046
The term "nunchuck" was actually coined after Chuck Norris used a pair of Catholic Nuns as weapons to mercilessly beat an angry mob to death.  Chuck makes weapons from his surroundings.: 5.723
The number of toothless people in trailer parks isn't evidence of poor dentistry. It's further evidence that Chuck Norris just doesn't have much use for people in trailer parks.: 4.0
"Chuck Norris has only visited Europe once. This tragic occasion is now referred to as the Bubonic plague. ": 3.687
Chuck Norris was one of many strangers David Blaine came up to and asked "Hi, do you have a minute." Chuck Norris thought this was an attempt to get him alone and kicked the shit out of David Blaine and stole his deck of cards after.: 2.63
What came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. Chuck Norris came first.: 4.555
Chuck Norris uses the blood of small children as lubricant when he masturbates. He does not have sex, because he does not want to create a weaker version of himself. There can be only one.: 4.125
Chuck Norris' childhood aspiration was to become a ballerina. Thank God that fell through.: 2.357
"Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies.  He potato-sacks them.  ": 7.031
Chuck Norris hates it when people have lisps, so he roundhouses kicks them in the throat, silencing them for all eternity.: 3.274
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world whose Windows never crashed. Even Bill Gates and his evil empire can't make a machine stop fearing Chuck Norris.: 5.125
If you ever get the chance to play Chuck Norris in Madden football, he will beat you 56-7.: 2.42
When approached by a toy company about making a bobble head Chuck Norris figurine, Norris declined suggesting instead they made a bobble leg figure. He justified his idea by saying the figures could then roundhouse kick any other bobble heads into submission.: 3.84
Chuck Norris, contrary to popular belief, is the answer to the question, "What is the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything?", not 42.: 1.955
One day, Chuck Norris was sparring with Wolverine from the X-men. While in the heat of his practice, he accidently lost his left testicle. It iss now known as Jupiter.: 3.0
Chuck Norris once went round the world in 79 days, and promptly dove to a depth of 21000 leagues under the sea. He the hunted down Jules Verne and pimp-slapped the world-renowned author.: 4.12
Chuck Norris doesn't get an upset stomach, he gets upset at his stomach.: 3.068
Chuck Norris used to eat nothing but habanero peppers with tabasco sauce for dinner until one day those pussy peppers gave him frostbite. He now eats molten lava breakfast, lunch and dinner. Asian babies for dessert.: 3.885
All men where created equal. Then Chuck Norris was born.: 6.18
Back in '86, Chuck Norris ran across Canada using only his right arm. Chuck isn't too impressed with Terry Fox and his accomplishments.: 2.892
There is a new law that is currently under Senate review. If this law is passed, it will give Chuck Norris the responsibilty of patrolling the entire U.S./Mexico border.: 5.437
Upon finding this very website, Chuck Norris hunted down and roundhouse kicked every contributer.: 2.413
"Recently Chuck Norris was told that Bruce Willis has given over 5 million dollars over the past year to charity. Chuck's response: \"Pussy!\"": 3.418
Chuck Norris was playing Tekken 5 one day and finally met his match. His 12-year old son beat him with Eddy Gordo by randomly pressing buttons. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked his son in the throat killing him instantly. That night Chuck Norris ate well... He ate well indeed...: 2.792
The raw sexual energy that Chuck Norris generates can supply enough power to run the entire town of Des Moines, Iowa.: 5.431
In the epic poem Beowulf, Beowulf is based on Chuck Norris.: 3.321
Chuck Norris uses AOL Trial Offer CDs as a sundae topping.: 2.654
Humans are probed by aliens. Aliens are probed by Chuck Norris.: 4.282
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.: 4.886
Al Gore didn't invent the internet, Chuck Norris did.: 4.343
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.: 6.938
Chuck Norris once said he saw something he liked in one of his students... that being his heart. Chuck Norris then proceeded to rip the young man's heart out and mounted it on his trophy case.: 3.433
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a single-celled organism for not having the mental capcity to understand his greatness. He inadvertantly created evolution.: 4.491
Chuck Norris took 3 of every animal on his ark. Then he called Noah a pussy and roundhoused kicked a Minotaur.: 3.239
Chuck Norris does not use condoms.  Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes.: 3.461
By the time Chuck Norris has finished shaving his beard has grown back.: 5.255
Chuck Norris was born from an egg.  He roundhouse kicked his way out. This proves the egg came before the chicken.: 4.36
Chuck Norris can play the bongo drums with his hands behind his back. He accomplishes this by leaning over them really close and flexing his pecs. The sweet rhythms he produces are the most potent form of aphrodisiac known to man.: 3.349
In their 17th game of the season, the 1972 Miami Dolphins lost to the Chuck Norris'.  Their team consisted of Chuck Norris and is the only truly undefeated team in NFL history.: 3.235
When the Candyman says "Candyman" three times in a mirror, Chuck Norris appears.: 4.2
Chuck Norris stole my bike: 1.893
Chuck Norris doesn't walk on water, he makes water stand under him.: 6.183
Chuck Norris devised his own STD. On top of that, he doesnt tell women about it until after he punches them in the throat.: 5.219
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.: 6.244
Chuck Norris stole your left sock.: 3.538
When Chuck Norris is smiling, he just killed your dad.: 3.292
Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.: 4.384
If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.: 3.793
Chuck Norris is faster than sound. Should you ever hear him speak in a one-on-one conversation, there is a good chance you have yet to realize that nanoseconds ago you received a roundhouse kick to the face.: 5.517
A boy once bought a Chuck Norris action figure and put it in his room. The boy went outside for a minute or two, and when he came back, all of his GI Joes, Stretch Armstongs, and his sister's Barbies had their heads and limbs broken off.: 6.653
Chuck Norris once broke up a huge drug ring. He went and asked, "Who's in charge around here?" When the man responded, "I am, what of it?" he was met with a swift roundhouse to the face. Chuck Norris then stood over him and said, "Wrong answer. Charles is in charge.": 5.586
The reason Sylvester Stallone can't speak English anymore is because he once told Chuck Norris he wished he could be like Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does not approve of copycats.: 4.121
"Chuck Norris urinates once a year, this is known as monsoon season. ": 4.327
Chuck Norris flosses with barb wire.: 4.59
Chuck Norris ties dead puppies to his feet to simulate real blood spraying from the faces of his stunt actors.: 5.073
Chuck Norris once had sex with a tractor, the result was the mechanical bull.: 6.087
Chuck Norris' beard is the eighth wonder of the world.: 4.6
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.: 5.173
Chuck Norris starts off every morning by eating a crippled baby's soul. Then he spends his afternoons making cup holders out of their remains.: 4.314
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.: 7.462
Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you through a telephone: 4.203
The immense force of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick is beyond comprehension, and in fact is responsible for the tropical weather phenomenon we call a "hurricane".: 3.905
The window to the soul is not the eyes, but the hole in your chest Chuck Norris makes when he kicks you in your fuckin' soul.: 6.413
Chuck Norris takes regular drives through black neighborhoods with his doors unlocked.: 5.122
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. More people are killed by Chuck Norris than by donkeys.: 3.527
Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris punches a Mexican baby in the face.: 2.587
Chuck Norris once hung himself delibrately just to show that all the guys on death row are pussies.: 6.0
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.: 6.769
If you rearrange the letters in "Jesus Christ" you get "Chuck Norris", but you have to try really hard.: 4.833
If MacGyver and Chuck were locked in a room together, Chuck would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.: 5.686
Whenever a charity knocks on his door, Chuck Norris replies to them with the mysteriously poetic "Chuck Norris doesn't care because Chuck Norris has facial hair.": 3.629
Everybody knows there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, or the Tooth Fairy... Chuck Norris took care of that.: 6.218
There is a ninety day return policy on the Total Gym, but strangely enough, only one has been returned. When Chuck Norris heard that someone had returned a Total Gym, he found where they lived, ate their clidren, raped and mutilated their wife, then he roundhouse kicked them SO hard, that they exploded. To this day, no other Total Gyms have been returned.: 2.931
When Chuck Norris got lost in the mountains one time, he used is own pubic hair as kindling for a fire.: 2.543
The term "TGIF" was coined when statisticians found that Friday is the day with the lowest amount of deaths caused by Chuck Norris.: 4.076
Chuck Norris had sex with a Mack truck once, the result was Optimus Prime.: 6.0
MacGyver attended the Chuck Norris School of Resourcefulness.: 4.902
Chuck Norris is hailed as the discoverer of the fact that you don't need to brush your teeth if your diet consists entirely of toothbrushes.: 3.228
"When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, \"Caution: Small Children Playing.\" So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.": 6.456
Chuck Norris killed 50 Cent and still had change to spare.: 3.896
Chuck Norris was skipping stones off the coast of New Jersey and accidentally killed 13 people in Europe.: 6.08
Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.: 6.981
Chuck Norris once bluffed away $30,000 with 8-high. He doesn't give a shit.: 2.943
Even at its most flaccid state, Chuck Norris's penis is still hard enough to knock your teeth out.: 3.088
Just one of Chuck Norris'pubic hairs is strong enough to hang a man with: 2.718
Chuck Norris used Bill Clinton to cover up his affair with Monica Lewinsky.: 5.0
"The force and volume of the typical Chuck Norris ejaculation has been observed to pierce the female uterus, kevlar body armor and Brawny paper towels. ": 5.45
if god had a favorite color it would be chuck norris: 4.766
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.: 3.75
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.: 4.775
Every second Chuck Norris gets married. Every 3 seconds he kills his wife. After 4 seconds he starts again.: 2.769
For fun, Chuck Norris likes to visit Veterinary Hospitals. When asked if he has a sick pet, Chuck Norris flexes and says, "These pythons are pretty sick." He then kisses his pecks until all the ladies explode with orgasmic fury.: 5.156
Chuck Norris wrote all the words to the "Happy Days" theme song... with his beard.: 3.267
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.: 6.589
Chuck Norris can only use condoms made out of titanium. Otherwise his sperm will roundhouse kick their way out of the latex.: 4.361
Chuck Norris throws the best Super Bowl parties, even though he throws them in July.: 3.285
To maintain his status as the life of the party, Chuck Norris shaves his beard and amazes the crowd as they watch it grow back before them.: 5.571
Chuck Norris once punched a drug dealer so hard, that he ripped a hole in the fabric of time and space, resulting in Chuck traveling back in time during the Revolutionary War. Chuck Norris then proceeded to singlehandedly beat the Brits during the battles at Lexington and Concord.: 2.272
Chuck Norris is known worldwide for his lawn gnome collection. Coincidentally, young children often go missing around his house.: 5.945
Chuck Norris needs three hands to pee.: 5.041
Chuck Norris has to jump around in the shower to get wet, not because he is skinny but because the water is afraid of him.: 3.294
"Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. ": 6.666
Chuck Norris can sharpen a knife by rubbing it against his beard.: 4.557
Chuck Norris once started a brutal civil war in a third world country because he felt, "There were too many people on the planet." He also stopped it exactly a week after, by killing everyone by himself.: 2.375
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He's also roundhouse kicked her in the face.: 5.111
Chuck Norris sent each of the judges at the Academy Awards a giftbasket of mini-muffins and assorted treats to sway them to vote for Sidekicks as Best Picture of the Year. Although it did not win, Chuck is not discouraged and has been filming Sidekicks 2 for 11 years in his basement apartment.: 2.73
"When Chuck Norris chews bubblegum, the bubblegum screams. ": 4.283
Chuck Norris' beard, though smaller than that of grizzly Adams, is arguably more impressive because of it's ability to stay on Chuck's chin. Can Grizzley Adams' beard stay on Chuck's chin? No. It cannot.: 3.5
If international politics were a nail, Chuck Norris would be the hammer. If international politics were a chance for all men to embrace each other and live in peace, Chuck Norris would be the hammer.: 5.5
God doesn't let bad things happen to good people, Chuck Norris does.: 5.895
Chuck Norris has good reasons to believe that Mary was in fact not a virgin.: 6.269
Chuck Norris likes The Hulk when he is angry.: 5.045
Viagra is made from blue food colouring and from Chuck Norris's beard clippings: 4.419
Energy cannot be created or destroyed, unless Chuck Norris so wills it.: 4.451
People like being Mr. Rogers neighbor. Not because they live near Mr. Rogers, but because Chuck Norris is the neighborhood watchman.: 4.714
Chuck Norris can turn back time simply by staring at the clock and flexing.: 3.528
Chuck Norris uses his penis to look around corners.: 4.055
Footage for Walker, Texas Ranger is actually taken from home videos shot by Mamma Norris of baby Chuck's infancy.: 3.592
Chuck Norris went into a hospital. When they asked him what was wrong, Norris replied "I've got disco fever," and then he killed eight paramedics.: 4.466
Chuck Norris can work the word conquistador into ANY sentence.: 6.344
When Chuck Norris got in trouble, he spanked his parents.: 6.148
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.: 6.885
Chuck Norris expected the Spanish Inquisition.: 5.26
Chuck Norris enjoys hand jobs from lobsters.: 3.065
Chuck Norris is so hardcore he is willing to go hunting with Dick Cheney.: 6.213
Chuck Norris can kill a dog in 7 ways, 4 of which involve throwing missiles at it.: 4.48
"Some people say God invented the world in 6 days, on the 7th day was a day of rest. Chuck Norris invented Mars in 4, then slaughtered everything on it in 1 day with a barrage of kicks and beard rubs. On the 6 and 7th day he banged every single woman on Earth twice. ": 4.225
Chuck Norris can only get drunk from a combination of rattlesnake venom and hot sauce.  And he's sober again in six minutes.: 5.262
The French surrender to Chuck Norris every day at 2pm.: 8.466
Chuck Norris was inspiration for all the characters in all of the Mortal Kombat games. Yes, even the female characters. But Chuck Norris did not use a knife on a rope as Scorpion does to do his "get over here!" attack, Chuck of course used his penis.: 2.342
Chuck Norris can make Communism work.: 6.183
Chuck Norris was always watching Rockwell.: 1.391
When Chuck Norris went to China he met Bruce Lee who wanted to see if Chuck Norris was as good a fighter as he had heard. When Chuck declined Bruce called him a pussy. Chuck responded by roundhouse kicking him in the face so hard that all Chinese peoples faces are flattened.: 3.454
Herbal Essences contains traces of Chuck Norris' musk. That is why it makes women scream.: 6.571
Chuck Norris went scuba diving a few weeks ago off the coast of Austrailia. A Great White died from a Chuck Norris attack that day.: 4.973
Congress rejected a bill for the 22nd straight year that would make Chuck Norris the official death penalty in Texas because they still believe "a fatal roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris is more of an honor than a penalty.": 5.428
Whenever asked about what happened to Alpha and Beta Forces, Chuck Norris calmly replies "They fucked with the beard.": 4.312
Legend has it Chuck Norris once ripped off his beard and donated it to Locks for Love. The lucky patients that received the hair transplants were able to eliminate their cancer by flexing for 30 minutes, just like Chuck.: 2.977
For every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings. For every time a puppy dies, Chuck Norris laughs.: 5.537
Chuck Norris once caught a bullet with his bare hand that was going directly at a man's face. Everyone who witnessed this event began clapping out of amazement. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the man directly where the bullet was going and said, "It is the proper way to die.": 6.142
Chuck Norris once fought in a two vs. two dual with the greatest martial artists of our time. Chuck Norris and Jackie Chan fought against Jet Li and Mr. Miyagi. Of course Chuck Norris killed both the Karate Kid's Mentor and Chinese movie star. Chuck Norris was later rumored to star in Rush Hour 3 with Jackie Chan, but the movie critics said that Chuck Norris's performance was too great to ever be shown to mortal men. So the movie was put in a secret vault containing the 10 best episodes of Walker Texas Ranger and sealed for all eternity.: 3.257
Chuck Norris found four dingle-berries hanging off his butt.  He trimmed them with nail clippers and they grew into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.: 1.827
Chuck Norris loves his pizza like he likes his fetuses; bloody and topped with melted cheese.: 2.559
Chuck Norris sucks at "color by numbers" becuase his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunatly all blood is fucking red.: 2.604
Chuck Norris is so bad, he takes a baseball bat into the bathroom with him incase he craps out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.: 6.254
Chuck Norris can grant wishes, as long as you wish for roundhouse kicks to the face or a Total Gym.: 5.833
The Vietnam war ended over 30 years ago, nobody told Chuck Norris.: 4.654
If there is a will, there is a way Chuck Norris can kill you.: 4.85
Chuck Norris believes there is a heaven and a hell. Too bad he can only take you to one.: 5.375
Chuck Norris' brunch usually consists of a block of cheese, a bottle of Aunt Jemima, and three small children.: 3.714
"Chuck Norris has two speeds: kill and kill more.": 4.125
"Chuck Norris was told that the Statue of David was the world's best statue. He replied by roundhouse kicking a mountain, the result was a 2,000ft statue of Chuck Norris. He then destroyed it because it was too awesome for anyone but him to see.  ": 5.153
Chuck Norris once tobogganed down Mount Everest without supplemental oxygen, and sprinted back to the top when he realized he had lost his mittens.: 4.959
Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".: 7.0
Chuck Norris was born with his beard.: 3.5
"The title song \"Eyes of the Ranger\" as sung by Chuck Norris in Walker: Texas Ranger, was the number one hit in Oslo, Norway for seventeen years straight. When it dropped to number two, Chuck killed the mayor of Oslo in retaliation. Needless to say the song rose back up to number one.": 5.727
Chuck Norris lights flaming bags of shit on porches that cannot be extinguised.  This is because his fecal matter is the chemical compound commonly reffered to as napalm.: 3.583
Chuck Norris melts dry ice in his pool so he can swim without getting wet.: 3.17
The best offense is Chuck Norris.: 5.609
There is no such thing as Global Warming. We are only feeling the heat coming off of Chuck Norris after he realized McDonald's messed up his drive through order.: 4.104
"After the Grinch stole Christmas, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and took it back.  Then he roundhouse kicked every last orphan in whoville and kept it for himself.  ": 5.093
"Most people thought Ernest Hemingway committed suicide because he was a troubled genius despondent over the mediocrity of life. What actually happened was that Chuck Norris finally tracked him down and gave him two options: shotgun blast to the head or roundhouse kick. Hemingway took the easy way out.": 4.866
Chuck Norris doesn't smash beer cans on his forehead, instead he stares them down till they shrink in fear.: 3.411
Cuck Norris was the only kid in school who got to be all four of the ninja turtles on the play ground.  Everyone else had to be Shredder or Chuck wouldnt allow them to play.: 3.645
One day Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at McDonalds. When the employee asked him if he wanted fries with that, Chuck Norris had sex with his girlfriend, taped it, and mailed the tape to him for Christmas.: 4.49
The reason so many Mexicans illegally immigrate across the Texas border is so they can catch a glimpse of Chuck Norris.: 5.04
Jimmy Hoffa is alive and well in Chuck Norris' large intestine but refuses to say "uncle".: 4.568
Chuck Norris is so fast he can turn off his bedroom light and be under the covers before the room gets dark.: 5.275
Chuck Norris passed the bar exam but decided not to become a lawyer. His reasoning was that the only law people followed rested within his right boot.: 3.76
God created the universe in six days. Chuck Norris could've done it in two.: 4.019
Tiger Woods challenged Chuck Norris to a long drive contest. Tiger's ball went 356 yards, Chuck's ball exploded on impact with the club, killing thousands.: 6.0
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.: 4.481
Every new U.S. currency has a watermark of Chuck Norris' face in the background. Knowing that Chuck is always watching, counterfeiting ceases to exist.: 4.229
Everytime you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills one more person.: 2.872
Chuck Norris is one of the most prolific writers of his time, this is because time is not a factor in Chuck Norris' life.: 3.048
Space is infinite. Surprisingly enough, so is the amount of beard that Chuck Norris can produce.: 3.318
Chuck Norris's sperm cures AIDS. He is now in Africa having sex with every women.: 2.737
The last time Chuck Norris punched someone instead of round house kicking them, Walker Texas Ranger was canceled.: 4.178
Chuck Norris is so hardcore, all of his hair is actually made of fire.: 3.296
Many gods throughout history have been depicted with beards and many great kings have also sported the nifty facial hair. Most infamous being Jesus Christ. What nobody seems to realize is that Chuck Norris is the sovereign deity of beard and gives these men their beard as a sign of their right to rule over others.: 3.875
"Chuck Norris doesn't need to use email or a cell phone.  He only communicates through pain.  ": 5.761
A masked man once stabbed Chuck Norris in the alley behind a children's hospital.  The knife bled to death.: 5.473
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris.": 6.77
Chuck Norris' sperm is so fertile, when he bangs a chick in America, another chick in China gets pregnant.: 4.608
Chuck Norris once ejaculated solid gold into a river in India, bringing profit to the local villagers and causing him to be worshiped as a God.: 2.518
If you want to wear the same cologne as Chuck Norris, you'll be disappointed to find that Chuck Norris doesn't wear cologne. For two hundred dollars, however, Mr. Norris will fart on your chest before you go on a date.: 5.115
"Chuck Norris pay's his bar tabs by letting the barkeep live. ": 5.222
Chuck Norris once made an appearance on "Emeril".  When Chuck said "Bam!," Emeril's head exploded and a pregnant woman in the audience gave birth.  Undeterred, Chuck finished the show by preparing roast Emeril with a raspberry glaze and a side of baby.: 4.138
Chuck Norris's body is not made up of individual cells. Nobody knows what he's made up of because whenever a scientist tries to examine him Chuck roundhouse kicks him in the face so hard he ceases to exist. But the legend is that Chuck exists only out of pure awesomeness.: 3.795
The sun hides in fear every time Chuck Norris masturbates. We know these periods of darkness as "night".: 3.52
Chuck Norris doesn't know the meaning of wartime - all he knows is gametime.: 3.888
Only Chuck Norris is capable of consecutively firing a six-shooter seven times.: 7.0
Chuck Norris once purchased a home at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean and made it his permanent residence for two months to prove that he only breathes because he "feels like it.": 5.921
Chuck Norris doesn't turn his cell phone off while at the theater.: 3.755
Steven Seagal is actually Chuck Norris' aborted twin brother.: 3.509
Shaking Chuck Norris' hand can be harmful to your health.  Just ask Christopher Reeve.: 4.918
For Chuck Norris, Bloodstain Remover is tax deductable.: 6.276
Instead of finding two of every animal, to save time, Noah simply one female of each species and then Chuck Norris onto the ark. The animal kingdom lives on.: 4.688
Chuck Norris doesn't just kill time, he roundhouse kicks it.: 5.835
Chuck Norris combs his hair with the teeth of a mighty lion.: 2.392
Chuck Norris got banned from the state of Florida after he roundhouse kicked a dolphin at Seaworld.: 4.324
Chuck Norris can walk on water but he prefers to fly.: 4.534
When faced with a difficult situation, Jesus asks himself, "What would Chuck Norris do?": 5.924
If Chuck Norris doesn't like you, how can you like yourself?: 4.787
Never try and return a Chuck Norris Total Gym. Within 60 seconds of its return Chuck Norris will rappell through your living room window and scissor kick you in the throat and immediately power fuck Christna Brinkley on your total gym.: 5.734
Chuck Norris doesn't fart, he makes smelly tornadoes.: 3.212
Chuck Norris has slept with 347 women; yet only 2 have lived to tell about it. Needless to say, it was the best sex of their lives.: 5.28
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't, the Holocaust happened.: 2.807
"When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: \"What is Courage?\"  Chuck Norris received an \"A+\" for writing only the words \"Chuck Norris\" and promptly turning in the paper.": 7.34
"There is a picture of Chuck Norris next to 'Justice' in the dictionary. If your dictionary doesn't have this, Chuck Norris will kill you. ": 4.692
Chuck Norris' blood can cure world hunger. Now you know why there are starving children.: 5.302
Chuck Norris owns 3 pit bulls and 2 dobermans, yet if you go near his property the only sign you see is "Beware of Chuck Norris".: 6.66
Chuck Norris amazed scientists by breaking a diamond with a roundhouse kick. The amazement only lasted one second because awesomeness of the roundhouse kick caused the scientists to shit out their brains.: 3.924
"A foolish man once asked Chuck Norris, \"Boxers or briefs?\" Chuck Norris laughed a mighty and cheerful laugh, then tore the manâ\x80\x99s intestines out of his ass and used them to strangle him. Yes, remarkable as it may sound, it appears there are some people who are simply unaware that a man as sexy as Chuck Norris can't help but go commando.": 3.973
In the name of the Father, The Son, and Chuck Norris. Amen.: 2.52
Chuck Norris has 189 STDs, including 6 only found in sharks.: 5.666
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.: 6.824
There is a hospital in Vietnam that has a 100% live birth rate on newborns. When the pregnant women walks into the hospital her abdomen is instantly roundhouse kicked. When the baby flys out Chuck Norris catches the newborn and nurses it to health with his breast milk.: 2.312
In Chuck's homeland, a roundhouse kick to the face is equivalent to a handshake.: 3.368
Any redhead person that was born since the dawn of time is an offspring of Chuck Norris, including his own parents.: 3.583
Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.: 7.084
In the game of life, Chuck Norris has the only retired jersey.: 5.39
God doesnt make people retarded, Chuck Norris does.: 5.391
Chuck Norris eats through his ass and craps out of his mouth.: 1.843
"When Chuck Norris helps you jumpstart your car, remember: beard is positive, fist is negative.": 5.606
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.: 6.969
Chuck Norris has a Myspace account. His home page is most well known as the internet.: 3.4
If you knock three times on a wooden object and shout the name of Chuck Norris with a lisp on your voice, he will appear to you and personally kick your ass. And it will be better than any orgasm you will ever experience.: 3.426
Chuck Norris was forced to get a vasectomy after 20,000 suits of child support were filed against him. The doctors were forced to use hedgeclippers.: 4.31
If Chuck Norris looks at you and even THINKS about Jesus, you are immediately converted to Christianity.: 2.288
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.: 7.701
Chuck Norris's poop is considered currency in a remote corner of Mongolia.: 4.673
9/10 of the law is Chuck Norris.: 4.888
Chuck Norris finds praise in even the worst of criticism.: 1.433
Chuck Norris has a penis so long that he was the first man to win an Olympic medal for pole vaulting without the use of a pole.: 3.842
The Buffalo Bills of the early 90s didn't lose four consecutive Super Bowls due to bad luck or lack of talent. It's just that when Chuck Norris bets against you, even 65 300lb. men don't stand a chance.: 4.79
Some call him the space cowboy, some have called him the gangster of love. Some have even called him Charles once or twice. Well, once.: 4.322
Everything tastes like chicken because its Chuck Norris' favorite food.: 5.2
Chuck Norris wears bio-enginered ranglers that don't rip when he kicks.: 2.79
Heart disease is the number one cause of death for women in the US. Sex with Chuck Norris is close behind.: 4.218
When AC/DC wrote the song "Big Balls", they had Chuck Norris in mind.: 5.06
Chuck Norris' balls really are brass.: 4.413
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany.  Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.: 5.938
Chuck Norris doesn't need oxygen. He only inhales in order to absorb the ashes of his enemies in his lungs. And exhaling? That's because he doesn't want to shit.: 2.365
What we know as the wind is actually Chuck Norris breathing. The speed and intensity fluctuates according to his activity.: 4.538
Chuck Norris has a pet chipmunk named Boris Norris. If you tell Chuck that it's cute that Boris rhymes with Norris, he rhymes "your head" with "roundhouse kick." He then gives Boris a cookie for his troubles.: 5.851
Chuck Norris caused the 80's band Genesis to break up. Not because of artistic differences, but because Chuck Norris demanded that one member of the band follow him around at all times to perform live theme music for his daily life. Phil Collins provides personal favorites "I can't dance" and "One more night" for Norris' workouts and a personal montage for trying on funny hats and tank tops. Also, all roundhouse kicks to the face are emphasized with an emphatic "SSussudiO!!!!" Meanwhile, Peter Gabriel croons the Chuck and the ladies to Chuck's personal love-making tune, "Sledgehammer".: 3.479
Chuck Norris penned "Bohemian Rhapsody" and then gave Freddy Mercury AIDS for stealing the song.: 5.39
In Indo-China, Chuck Norris' left testicle is worshiped as the God of Love, whereas his right testicle is viewed as fire breathing demon from hell.: 4.02
Chuck Norris once did a movie with Clint Eastwood, and there came a disagreement between the 2 stars. Chuck Norris bent Eastwood over a chair and raped him. Chuck Norris calls this "tough love".: 4.697
Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.: 7.227
Every one of Chuck Norris' appendages has been deemed a lethal weapon by 12 different governments, except for his penis, which is so deadly that these governments require it to teach a moderately priced self defense class to their respective militaries. This has become Chuck's primary source of income other than the money he is sent for protection from his roundhouse kick.: 2.88
Chuck Norris is always loaded. Chuck Norris does not point himself at anything he is not willing to destroy.: 4.738
Chuck Norris, on a dare, once swallowed 1,000 toothpicks and two hours later shit out an oak tree. Then, just to prove his superiority, Chuck swallowed the oak tree and immediately shit out the original 1,000 toothpicks.: 6.45
Chuck Norris had to go back in time and sleep with his own mother. Why? Because only the seed of Chuck Norris was able to make someone as perfect as Chuck Norris. On a side note Chuck Norris has webbed feet.: 3.679
When Chuck Norris found out that he was not included in Mt.Rushmore, he wanted to leave his mark somewhere. He then karate chopped the ground and created the Grand Canyon.: 4.694
Chuck Norris is how the West was won.: 4.625
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a drooling retarded kid because he thought he was spitting at him.: 3.061
Chuck Norris, in an exhibitionist stage back in 1993, stuck his penis into a Gateway computer.  The computer immediately had an orgasm, and spewed out a CD.  This playable CD was later known as Halo.: 5.121
Chuck Norris is not ashamed of working for an infomercial, and he will scratch the eyes out of anyone who gives him shit.: 2.285
Donald Trump once fired Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris responded by saying, "While I disagree with your firing of me, I will defend to the death your right to do it." Chuck Norris then kicked Donald Trump through a wall.: 4.42
Chuck Norris, like dogs, can smell fear.: 4.891
Steven Hawkings can't speak because Chuck Norris told him not to.: 4.459
Every year, in accordance with the Make a Wish Foundation, Chuck Norris uses a terminally ill child as a football to kick a Super Bowl winning field goal. Norris is both making and granting the wishes.: 3.829
The Ford Motor Company is recently changing the standard Horse Power in favor of Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks. So a supercharged Mustang, instead of having 360 horsepower, has .14 Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks.: 5.279
"Chuck Norris invented a computer virus that causes a roundhouse kick to pop out of your monitor and hit you in the face.  Currently, it has killed 417 people.  ": 4.487
Chuck Norris invented fire, by roundhouse kicking two people togther at an incredably fast rate.: 4.47
Chuck Norris spelled backwards is "I'm going to roundhouse kick you in your throat".: 4.244
Chuck Norris IS the walrus. Koo Koo Ka Choo.: 2.291
If an EMP were to go off within a close proximity of Chuck Norris, he would be rendered useless for a short period of time, because over 500 years ago, he traded the ability to see the future to Nostradamus for cybernetic arms, legs, and heart.: 2.274
Chuck Norris draws more blood than the Red Cross.: 3.863
Chuck Norris once fought 43 midgets and a lion on Pay Per View. After slaughtering the midgets Chuck Norris could not destroy the lion since it was his biological father.: 3.651
At 3:37pm every day, Tokyo has a one minute seven second silence to honour Chuck Norris.: 3.606
God calls Chuck Norris "sir.": 4.327
The show Walker, Texas Ranger holds the world record for most fatal accidents during a single season, which occurred in 1997. Chuck Norris was personally responsible for 3,623 deaths, most caused by severe head trauma.: 3.6
Chuck Norris had a twin brother, but killed him in the womb when he first learned how to kick.: 3.192
Chuck Norris once participated in an orgy with 500 other people. The only survivor is now in a coma.: 4.416
Chuck Norris has his own movie. It's rated PG for "Pecs, Giant.": 2.725
Originally the Fonz planned to jump over Chuck Norris, but got scared and decided to jump over a shark instead.: 3.5
Chuck Norris only brakes for people dressed like Chuck Norris.: 4.474
Everytime a child laughs, Chuck Norris kills a bad guy.: 3.584
"The new death penalty in Texas is to wake Chuck Norris up from a nap. ": 6.153
If you look at Chuck Norris while he is smiling, your entire family will get AIDS.: 2.853
Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris and Jesus are not the same person.  Chuck Norris would never let some candy-ass Romans kill him.: 5.267
Chuck Norris once passed a kidney stone the size of a basketball. The stone is on display in Beaver Springs Pennsylvania, and is said to possess magical powers.: 3.763
Chuck Norris knows where Jimmy Hoffa is.: 2.85
"Jonathan Brandis killed himself after Chuck Norris refused to make Sidekicks 2: The Reunion.": 3.421
Chuck Norris once consumed an entire East-Russian villiage in a fit of collosal hunger which may never be equalled...: 2.666
Someone claimed that Chuck Norris facts suck. Nobody has heard from him since that.: 4.441
Chuck Norris won't allow his children to be taught evolution at school. This wouldn't be a big deal, but he fathered 70% of people in the southern United States.: 4.38
"In a filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris made it to a crime scene so fast, that scientists were forced to admit the shortest distance between two points isn't always a straight line.": 3.833
The Internet slang "hax" came about because Chuck Norris, while playing Counter-Strike, found a way to use his bare hands as weapons. He ended the game with a score of 57-1 (the only death was due to a teamkill).: 2.444
One does not punch Chuck Norris; Chuck Norris headbutts one's fist.: 5.083
"One time Chuck Norris went camping in the woods. In the morning lumberjacks began to cut down what they thought was an oak tree but was instead Chuck with a terrible case of morning wood. None were seen from again. ": 3.119
When Chuck Norris had sex with Christie Brinkley, she gave birth to a Total Gym.: 2.145
Chuck Norris doesn't need condoms, because when he has an orgasm, his partner blows up.: 4.269
Chuck Norris can travel through time by running at 88 miles per hour.: 4.688
The milkshake doesn't bring Chuck Norris to the yard.: 3.733
Chuck Norris got sick of hearing Michael Jackson's hit song Thriller, so he gave hime a roundhouse kick to the balls. Micheal Jackson's voice became permantely high pitched; he lost all color pigments in his skin; and his nose fell off.: 5.425
Chuck Norris invented the atmosphere for the sole purpose of having something to roundhouse kick people out of.: 5.584
Chuck Noris's chest hair has chest hair.: 4.629
There's no such thing as a near death experience. There is however, a near Chuck Norris experience.: 4.595
Chuck Norris invented the Chihuahua in an attempt to perfect the football.: 5.0
"While often cited as the most powerful force in the universe, Chuck Norris concedes that there is a more powerful force:  Chuck Norris riding on the back of a North American Bobcat.": 5.8
When asked why he round-house kicked an entire school of children Chuck Norris replies "I don't like Mondays." When informed that it was Tuesday he replied "I still don't like Mondays.": 6.575
The temperature on Chuck Norris' testicles is 750 degrees celsius. That is because his sperm can breath fire and shit lightning.: 3.375
Chuck Norris once flew through space, on that trip he got so pissed off that roundhouse kicked 3 stars. Every time Chuck Norris does this we call it a Supernova.: 1.387
In the beginning God created Chuck Norris, but only because Chuck told him too or he'd kick God's ass.: 3.533
Chuck Norris TKOed Mike Tyson in Nintendo's Mike Tyson's Punchout on the first try. It was so easy that after he did it he murdered a puppy.: 4.19
Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire: 4.976
"The very first CSI was going to be titled \"CSI: Chuck Norris\", but there was no crime scenes and no investigating.  Just Chuck Norris kicking ass and being totally awsome.  So they renamed it Walker, TR.": 3.45
Chuck Norris' penis is actually a fully developed blue whale and his balls are actually made out of brass.: 2.936
Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal are secretly married. Norris wears the pants.: 3.057
There are no weapons of mass destruction, just Chuck Norris.: 4.52
"Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy. He roundhouse kicked him in the face instead. ": 3.129
"Dick Cheney's hunting trip wasn't an accident. He was playing catch-the-bird-shot with Chuck Norris, but Chuck just likes to use lawyers as gloves. ": 5.29
Chuck Norris is the source of all light.  The sun gets it power through energy created when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks anything.: 2.104
In the fine print of the Geneva Convention, it lists "Death by Norris" as Cruel and Unusual Punishment.  Shame nobody's had the balls to enforce it.: 5.466
Chuck Norris eats Transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.: 3.884
When Chuck Norris began his "Kick Drugs Out of America" program in 1990, he would simply roundhouse kick the drugs out of the system of anyone on them. They would either a) be cured and accept Chuck Norris as their savior, or b) overdose on roundhouse kicks.: 5.425
Chuck Norris mates with whales, just so they don't become extinct.: 3.804
"Until 1983, all Chuck Norris movies were filmed with a hidden camera. ": 6.431
"In 1997, Chuck Norris won the Pulitzer Prize for his autobiography entitled \"Never Quiting the Fight: The Life of Chuck Norris\". He then peed on it.": 2.86
"Angered by the fact that Hurricane Katrina was not named Hurricane Chuck, Norris went on a killing spree. It is been rumored that he mutilated 7 meterologists, 15 journalists, and 3 unrelated civilians. He was seen later on screaming \"Who's a CAT 5 now bitch?!\" ": 3.096
Originally Chuck Norris was going to be hired to play the role of Jack Bauer on the show "24". The producers changed their minds when they realized the show would last only 17 minutes.: 6.245
In 1969 Chuck Norris roundhoused a man towards the sky. One day later Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon.: 3.909
The Army's slogan, "Army of One," was based on every single Chuck Norris movie ever created.: 5.692
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.: 7.708
Chuck Norris was born Charles Edwin Norris III. Despite being mere minutes old, he grabbed his birth certificate and roundhouse-kicked it up his father's ass because, as he said, "I will never get any pussy with the name Charles. From now on, call me Chuck... because it rhymes with fuck.": 5.17
Chuck Norris is the only person alive to have successfully outwitted Sccoby Doo and the Mystery Machine.: 4.82
Chuck Norris once kickboxed a hobo for seventeen consecutive hours.: 2.48
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter. And he'll roundhouse kick your ass if you say otherwise.: 6.432
The reason emo bands are so emo is because they are being persecuted by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris hates emos.: 3.978
When Steven Segal kills a ninja he only takes it's hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja he uses every part.: 3.957
Chuck Norris doesn't start fights. He initiates genocides.: 5.454
Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.: 8.119
Chuck Norris ended the Never-ending Story...because Chuck Norris doesn't believe in reading.: 5.304
If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.: 6.956
Chuck Norris goes in through the Out door.: 3.768
Chuck Norris doesn't have to wait 30 minutes after a big meal to go swimming. He can swim whenever he wants.: 3.574
People don't die of "natural causes." It's just something doctors use because there's only so many times you can say "Chuck Norris did it, again" in one day.: 6.354
Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.: 4.526
Chuck Norris' penis has its own penis.: 3.491
Some men light matches by striking them against the stubble on their chin; Chuck Norris lights icicles.: 5.033
Chuck Norris recieved a PhD. in Astrophsyics from Harvard University after he discovered that his roundhouse kicks create a rift in the space-time continuum.: 4.0
Chuck Norris only allows churches to exist in order to stop people from coming and praying at his house.: 5.434
When Chuck Norris was 7 years old, he played T-ball in his town's little league. All of the other kids would make fun of little Chucky because of his beard. One day, in order to send a message, Chuck took aim and hit a line drive so hard, it hit an outfielder and obliterated the kid's face into dust particles. The child's lifeless decapitated body lay there with brain matter sprayed all about. To this day, Chuck Norris will pimp slap anybody who gives him any shit about it.: 2.49
The Bermuda Triangle was once in the shape of a square, but Chuck Norris kicked one of the corners off it.: 4.5
"Once while at a party Chuck Norris slit his wrist and used his blood to substitute the tobasco sauce that had ran out. Everyone who ate it tragically died hours later, everyone who refused to eat it suffered fatal roundhouse kicks by Chuck Norris. ": 3.475
If you stare at Chuck Norris' bicepts for too long, you will go blind or develop testicular cancer.: 2.733
It is impossible for Chuck Norris to rape anyone because who would turn Chuck Norris down?: 5.134
"Chuck Norris can solve any riddle simply by turning a duck counter-clockwise while carefully balancing it on a crying child. ": 2.312
Chuck Norris' beard has three Superbowl rings.: 4.076
Every time Chuck Norris ejaculates, an angel gets it beard.: 6.025
Chuck Norris does not take a bite out of crime. He swallows crime whole and demands seconds.: 6.05
Chuck Norris NEVER loses at the game "Operation".: 3.227
Sharks move two steps down the food chain when Chuck Norris takes a swim. It goes Chuck Norris, then theres an empty space and then sharks. Chuck Norris doesn't like the smell of fish next to him in the food chain.: 5.31
Chuck has 5 letters. Norris has 6. When placed together we get 56. 1956 was the year of the first airborn nuclear test. Coincidence? I think not.: 4.958
Chuck's beard was the inspiration for steel wool.: 4.297
The character Superman is loosely based on Chuck Norris. Loosely only because Superman has a weakness.: 6.34
Chuck Norris decorates his Christmas tree with pictures of people he killed that year.: 4.481
Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of himself masturbating.: 6.337
When Chuck Norris had to undergo surgery after catching a number of cannonballs with his stomach, he punched out the doctors and took hold of the scalpel himself. The following report, written in blood, states his stomach contents were four feet of barbed wire, two pounds of granite, fire, and the skeleton of a circus strongman.: 4.523
If you shoot Chuck Norris, you'll only make him angry.: 2.756
Stone Cold Steve Austin's "Stunner" is no match for Chuck Norris's "Roundhouse Kick".: 2.56
Chuck Norris found Nemo.: 3.641
The only cure for AIDS is a RHK to the face from Chuck Norris. There is a higher survival rate for AIDS.: 3.188
Chuck Norris. . . Impregnating virgins, and keeping them that way, since 9 Months B.C.: 3.382
Chuck Norris is in the Guinness Book of World Records for getting the most blow jobs in one day. 756.: 3.7
Chuck Norris has never arrived at a red stop light. They are always green when he arrives: 5.452
Chuck Norris is your father. He knocked up your mom and imtimidated your dad into raising you.: 3.88
More than half of the planet population has never actually seen any Walker Texas ranger or Delta force or Missing in action production. But they still think Chuck Norris exists. When asked why, they all reply, "Faith.": 5.47
"Chuck Norris discovered the \"taint\" when he couldn't decide if he wanted to kick someone in the ass or the balls. ": 3.828
If looks can kill, Chuck Norris is one hell of a looker.: 3.673
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.: 3.481
Chuck Norris once fired off a roundhouse kick to the head of an Asian opponent so hard that he made his slant eyes round.: 3.071
Chuck Norris's softer side was shown when he helped an old lady across the street one day. However, Chuck Norris can only be nice for 15.24 seconds, so he ate the old lady after that amount of time had elapsed.: 3.488
The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.: 5.969
Chuck Norris cultivates a small population of third world orphans with red hair so he can harvest them at a moments notice for his beard.: 4.641
The Soylent Green company had to hire Chuck Norris to keep up with demand.: 2.851
Back in the '30s, there was a lot of controversy because Chuck Norris was the first black woman to refuse to sit at the back of the bus. He roundhouse kicked every white person in sight, and now he sits wherever the fuck he wants to.: 4.355
Chuck Norris' Blood Alcohol Level is continously 8.0, but he is always fine to drive.: 4.745
"Many of his victims families thought Chuck's power was in his beard. They tried to cut it off with a weed wacker, upon contact the machine blew up killing everyone, except Chuck.  ": 2.633
Chuck Norris makes egg salad with numchucks.: 3.673
Chuck Norris dares you to sing the song "The Name Game" using the name "Chuck". Go ahead. Just try it.: 4.205
Chuck Norris has never been charged with murder, this is becuase the government realizes he is simply cleansing the gene pool.: 4.58
Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Hulk Hogan and Mr. T are the only men alive capable of stopping terrorism. They don't because they are too busy sitting around in their Bad-Ass headquarters sipping raki and talking about who snapped the most spines in Nam.: 4.931
Chuck Norris dared Washington to chop down the cherry tree, he gave Lincoln his first hat and he told Benjamin Franklin to, "Go fly a kite." Who else could America have come from?: 2.684
Chuck Norris surprises kindergarten classes around America to tell children that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are not real. He does this for fun, because that's how Chuck rolls.: 6.185
"Chuck Norris fought the law, and the law never fought back. ": 4.39
Chuck Norris once went to Chile, but was disappointed to discover the nation is not famous for chili, the food. He then proceeded to make his own chili out of puppy meat and tears from the native children.: 3.627
The popular phrase "don't mess with Texas" only applies when Chuck Norris is in the state.: 4.718
Chuck Norris can rape three people at the same time. Don't even try to figure out how.: 4.777
Chuck Norris writes the script for the Conan O'Brien Show.: 3.323
The fight scene between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee near the end of "Return of the Dragon" required 58 takes because Chuck Norris kept accidentally beating Bruce Lee. Finally after shooting the scene 57 times, a stunt double had to be brought in to replace Chuck Norris. This stunt double was, of course, a young Vin Diesel.: 3.568
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man in the face with his penis. Having touched Chuck Norris' penis, the man instantly turned to gold.: 4.879
Chuck Norris was formed during the Big Bang and consists mainly of interstellar gas. He iss still cooling down.: 2.037
Chuck Norris doesn't just get morning wood, he gets morning redwood.: 4.673
Chuck Norris defeated the Southern states of America single handedly in the civil war out of blind rage because the entire south called his beard gay. After he roundhoused kicked every southerner in the head he answered, "No one messes with the beard retards.": 1.756
Chuck Norris can get to level 60 on WoW in 5 months.: 2.127
Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.: 4.362
Chuck Norris is ranked 12th in the AP college football poll.: 4.983
Florida used to be in a straight line, until Chuck Norris kicked Miami for refusing to make a "Chuck Norris Day".: 3.17
Chuck Norris only looks one way when he crosses the street.: 6.0
What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris and a pair of cowboy boots? A roundhouse kick to the forehead... don't ever cross Chuck Norris.: 5.516
Santa Clause once told Chuck Norris to sit in his lap. There were no survivors.: 4.0
If Chuck Norris were a sports drink he would only come in one flavor- cyanide.: 5.396
Chuck Norris took both the Red Pill and Blue Pill.: 5.428
Chuck Norris can dig up.: 4.428
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about gas prices because Chuck Norris' car doesn't need gas to run. Chuck justs gets in his car and tells it to run.: 6.257
Chuck Norris's idea of a good time is farting on little girls' heads, and then roundhouse kicking their virginity into space.: 4.823
Bethany Hamilton once said that Chuck Norris' bark was bigger than his bite. He showed the shit out of her. (Google her if you don't know what fucking happened.): 2.173
Lightning never strikes the same place twice, but Chuck Norris does.: 5.235
Chuck Norris invented the motion picture. He did this so he could watch himself roundhouse kick people. Someone asked why he couldn't take a regular picture, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked them in the head.: 4.588
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a guy so hard that all of his ancestors were completely wiped out of existence, thus rendering the subject of the kick non-existent. This ended the universe as we know it until Chuck's beard began it all anew.: 3.603
Chuck Norris' beard is actually composed of all 118 elements of the periodic table.: 3.644
Chuck Norris can speak braille.: 7.696
If Chuck Norris invites you over for tea and asks "one lump or two" never say "two" because he'll beat you over the head with a fully restored '67 Chevy Impala.: 3.473
In an attempt to follow in the steps of Dolly Parton, Chuck Norris attempted to open a theme park. Unfortunetly the idea was cast asunder when the name "Norriswood" was already used to name his penis.: 6.309
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray as eye drops.: 3.978
Chuck Norris's communication with The Afterlife is made possible by talking to the black guy on Walker Texas Ranger.: 2.562
In his ninth grade chemistry class Chuck Norris was randomly mixing chemicals hoping to make some sort of cool smoke. Years later that same "cool smoke" would be dropped on Japan to subdue the vicious war machine.: 2.566
The Big Bang produced an explosion with so much energy it is difficult to quantify. For a better understanding, scientists named a formula known as Chuck Norris. One Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is roughly equal to 100 trillion mega-tons. Scientists believe the energy emitted from the Big Bang equals 17 Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks. This explains why there were 16 roundhouse kicks in Delta Force.: 4.586
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it then Chuck Norris doesn't care. He despises trees.: 3.285
Bulletproof vests are completely filled with fibers of Chuck Norris' beard.: 5.081
The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death.  Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular.  No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.: 5.043
Chuck Norris invented EZ Squeeze Cheeze, he got the idea from crushing a man until his intestines came out of his mouth.: 5.193
Florida has been referred to as America's wang. Chuck Norris teases America about its small stature.: 6.407
The melody of Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven" is actually a loose cover the song Chuck Norris sings before he feeds on the flesh of the innocent. Jimmie Paige learned it while Norris endowed Zepplin's guitarist with his knowledge of the instrument.: 3.857
Chuck Norris was advised by a guru that he would attain eternal happiness if he went 7 years without breaking necks. Chuck Norris snapped the guru's neck like a twig.: 5.076
God once made a rock so big that not even he could lift it; thus answering the legendary question. Chuck Norris not only lifted this rock, but also karate chopped it so hard that it fragmented and formed the progressive rock group "Yes".: 3.679
Chuck Norris once kicked a guy right in the jaw.  Unable to speak, the guy quickly learned sign language so he could tell all his friends how radical it was.: 2.315
What Kayne West forgot to tell you is Chuck Norris also does not care about black people. He does not care about white people, Asians or Hispanics. In fact all Chuck Norris cares about is Chuck Norris.: 3.782
Chuck Norris puts on his pants two legs at a time.: 6.0
Chuck Norris can whistle with his beard.: 3.981
Jimi Hendrix didn't actually die of an overdose, but killed himself when he found out that Chuck Norris planned to show him up with a 53-hour guitar solo.: 2.941
After completing the act of love with Chuck Norris, many women find justice running down their inner thigh.: 5.392
"There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.": 5.75
Chuck Norris can tell the exact time of day to the second just by glancing at the sun.: 5.529
A little boy once dressed up as Chuck Norris for Halloween. When he rang Chuck Norris' doorbell, Chuck Norris was so excited that he gave the boy the whole bowl of candy. Two seconds later he roundhouse kicked the boy in the face and took it back.: 4.3
Chuck Norris is God's apology for the Holocaust.: 3.4
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.: 3.51
Chuck Norris never starred in "Sidekicks". That was a look-a-like that was later fed to a python by Chuck himself. The movie has yet to be released on DVD, for obvious reasons.: 3.282
Chuck Norris helped Jesus through the hard times, giving him strength by quoting the Scripture. (Norris had somehow gotten his hands on an advance copy of the New Testament, but couldn't bring himself to tell Jesus how it all ended.): 3.791
If Chuck Norris does not wake up with a big pair of titties in hand then thirty necks must be broken for it to be a good day anyway.: 3.533
Chuck Norris once killed a judge and was sent to Alcatraz just to prove he could escape.: 4.672
Abe Vigoda actually did die, but Chuck Norris resurrected him.: 1.962
Chuck Norris doesn't actually have a beard. What we perceive as a sexy and rugged man-beard is actually just Chuck Norris' skin. Legend has it that if Chuck Norris actually grew a beard, every woman in the world would simultaneously orgasm, thus destroying the Earth. Chuck Norris isn't sure if that's true, but he thinks we're better safe than sorry.: 4.239
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.: 3.465
"\"Kill Bill Parts 1 & 2\" were originally entitled \"The Merry Adventures of One of Chuck Norris' Girlfriends\", but Tarantino pussed out and hired David Caradine instead.": 4.6
"Fatality: (noun) ability to cause death disaster, or destruction.  See also; Roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.": 6.562
Chuck Norris does not use toilet paper to wipe his ass. He simply uses the woman he slept with the night before.: 4.542
Chuck Norris smokes TNT.: 2.434
"While watching the Tonight Show one night, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his TV and broke Jay Leno's jaw. ": 2.416
Every year one million people get the privilege of dying from traffic fatalities rather than from the hands and feet of Chuck Norris.: 5.65
Chuck Norris ejaculates nails, and he giggles everytime someone asks,"so did you nail'er?": 3.75
The Titanic did not sink from striking an iceberg. Chuck Norris inadvertently crapped in the ship's path.: 3.325
The only person ever to beat Chuck Norris in a arm wrestling match was God. Although we all know Chuck let him win.: 5.521
Chuck Norris will only have sex with women who agree to do it on his bed of nails. Needless to say, it is the best sex they will ever have.: 3.46
Chuck Norris gargles with anti-freeze.: 4.49
Chuck Norris can never die. Every thirty years Chuck Norris gives birth to himself. A fully adult, fully clothed, fully bearded Chuck Norris, equipped with all the skills and knowledge of the previous Chuck Norris. Including round house kicking skills, black magic, and the timeless art of seduction.: 3.543
Chuck Norris exisits only beacuse he kicked a man so hard that he flew back in time and fell in love with his mother.: 4.316
If Chuck Norris sees his shadow on Groundhog Day, another species goes extinct.: 4.865
Regardless of race, sex, gender, location, or education level... at one point in your life you have underestimated Chuck Norris. You will live just long enough to regret this.: 5.187
Chuck Norris is the reason Cap'n Crunch's eyebrows are on his hat.: 5.958
"Chuck Norris was actually James Cameron's first choice for the Terminator, but backed out after saying the character would ruin his \"toughguy\" image.  ": 7.181
Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.: 3.155
Every Chuck Norris film ever made was a documentary film about Chuck Norris.: 4.083
Many people think that the dinosaurs were killed off by a giant meteor. If by "meteor" you mean "Chuck Norris," then yes, you are correct.: 4.333
As a child, Chuck Norris molested Catholic preists. In retaliation, they have been molesting young boys ever since.: 3.153
Whever Chuck Norris has an orgasm, a building explodes.: 3.796
Chuck Norris' beard is actually made of Velcro. He uses it to trap low flying bats.: 2.805
When Rodney King pleaded, "Can't we all just get along?", Chuck Norris nodded and smiled. Then he proceeded to round-house kick him in the face.: 4.6
"\"That's my baby Daddy\" was the original theme song for Walker, Texas Ranger.": 4.029
In order to speed up the wait time for death row inmates, Texas added death by roundhouse kicks to the list of acceptable methods of execution.  The wait has gone down from 7 years to before you step out of the courthouse.: 5.02
"Legend has it that Chuck Norris's beard is older than he is. When asked about this his beard replied, \"Would a grasshopper be if it wasn't for grass?\" ": 3.419
The Video Game company "Nintendo" was founded by Chuck Norris when he gave birth to a "Nintendo Entertainment System" after swallowing several Asian businessman whole.: 4.63
The first time Chuck Norris ever played Counter Strike, he no-scope headshoted a terrorist through the walls from across the map on CS_Dust 2... with a knife.: 5.65
Chuck Norris was once given a 30 minute comedy special on HBO. After his first joke, nobody laughed, so Chuck Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick the entire audience to death while he laughed hysterically. This special will now be held biweekly, ranging from thirty seconds to an hour depending on how much sleep Chuck got the night before.: 4.04
Contrary to popular belief, a meteor did not end the dinosaurs' existance. It was Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick; it was so powerful it left a massive crater in the earth.: 3.765
Chuck Norris is in the Bible, but they called him Jesus becasue it's one less word.: 4.12
Chuck Norris was the original Master of the Universe until He-Man drugged him and stole his sword. Chuck Norris retaliated by raping She-ra with He-Man's dead carcass.: 3.795
Chuck Norris has had over a thousand children and he has eaten every one of them.: 3.291
Chuck Norris' beard is the Seventh Wonder of the Ancient World. It destroyed the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and took its rightful place.: 3.833
If you were born after the year 753 BC, Chuck Norris is your father.: 3.92
Chuck Norris walks to the moon to take a dump.: 2.594
Chuck Norris is the person that is above Supreme Kai.: 2.444
Ever heard of someone killing two birds with one stone? Chuck Norris kills entire species.: 5.775
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.: 7.333
Chuck Norris met with a teenage drug and alcohol awareness diversion group last week. There were no survivors.: 4.566
In the movie "Anaconda", the part of the snake was played by Chuck Norris' penis. If you look close, you can see him in a couple of scenes, smiling.: 3.086
Once, Chuck Norris filled in as a substitute teacher for a 2nd grade class. At lunch that day, a student asked Chuck to protect her from a bully. He promptly confronted the bully, and gave him a stern glare. The bully immediately died of heart failure. Chuck then turned around and kicked the little girl in the sternum for tattling.: 5.0
Chuck Norris only goes to women doctors, that way he doesnt feel like a homo during the "cough" test.: 5.928
Chuck Norris sets off motion detectors without moving.: 6.038
Chuck Norris bench presses gravity.: 5.25
Chuck Norris coincidentally lives in a round house.: 5.326
Will Smith is merely a figment of Chuck Norris' imagination.: 3.369
Chuck Norris has named every muscle in his body. When someone told him his penis isn't a muscle, he punched their face through the back of their head. Little Chuck was pleased.: 5.042
Part of the reason Chuck Norris can kick so many people in the face before they block it is because his shadow holds them by the balls.: 4.388
Recently Chuck Norris asked President Bush to go to lunch. However, the President said he was too busy searching for weapons of mass destruction. When he heard this, Chuck Norris flexed his biceps and said, "You found them right here." Then everyone within ten miles exploded, except for Chuck.: 4.065
Chuck Norris writes with an eraser.: 5.864
California road kill is actually the result of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking a possum in China.: 3.509
Chuck Norris once appeared in a Staples commercial in which Tom Beringer challenged him to fight. Chuck Norris pressed the easy button and roundhouse kicked him in the face.: 4.692
Chuck Norris was the first person to tame a dinosaur.: 1.925
Chuck Norris and Snoop Dogg once had a free style rap battle so awsome that people now celebrate the holiday Easter to remember the day.: 1.583
Chuch Norris' previous occupation was the Angel of Death, but he didn't like working behind the scenes.: 4.485
Chuck Norris fought Santa to the death. Needless to say, every boy and girl got a pair of tight blue jeans and leather boots for Christmas this year.: 4.7
Chuck Norris will only hire pre-op transvestites as personal security.  He believes, correctly, that no one is more alert, edgy, and dangerous as a person who is about to have their testicles surgically removed.: 2.901
Snap, Crackle, and Pop were named after the sounds that were made when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked their father into a barn.: 3.785
Chuck Norris once played Jenga. The result was the Empire State Building.: 6.685
"Deeming his too awesome for the world of mortal men or heaven, God attempted to destroy Chuck Norris by swallowing him. However Chuck Norris beat the shit out of God's insides, causing God to vomit him out. This led to the popular euphamism for vomiting, \"Up-Chuck\"> ": 2.609
Everytime someone masturbates, God kills a cat. Everytime Chuck Norris masturbates, Chuck kills God.: 2.52
Most people think that Saddam Hussein was hiding in that spider hole from the approaching US Army. In fact he thought that Chuck Norris would make his death a bit less painful if he dug his own grave and patiently waited for him to arrive.: 6.065
Chuck Norris is a source of 7 essential nutrients, including vitamins, minerals and Chuck Norris.: 4.088
Chuck Norris was in line at the deli when Ellen Degeneres approached him from behind and asked if she could order before him because she was in a rush. Chuck Norris asked her what she wanted and she replied three pounds of turkey and two and a half pounds of ham. Before she knew what happend Chuck was gone. He came back two minutes later with a sandwich that only a man like Chuck Norris could eat. It had three pounds of turkey and two and a half pounds of ham in it. Chuck then delivered a fatal round house kick to Ellen's head and said no one cuts The Chuck. He then ate the sandwich over her corpse.: 3.34
God is Chuck Norris' prototype.: 2.466
Chuck Norris can digest sweetcorn.: 3.433
"Chuck Norris was put on this earth to do two things: drink some beer and kick some ass. Chuck Norris successfully drank all of the beer this world had to offer by the time he was 3 months old. He has been kicking ass ever since.": 3.591
It is widely known that Chuck Norris does not know the meaning of the word "Pain". What is not widely known is that this is not due to any manner of superior physical fortitude, but rather his crippling illiteracy. He does, however, know the meaning of the term "Cleveland Steamer" which he uses on a nearly daily basis.: 3.929
Chuck Norris drinks milk and shits yogurt.: 2.681
Chuck Norris invented Viagra, but only so the rest of us could dream of achieving his god-like libido.: 1.775
Chuck Norris combs his hair with a rake, he wipes is ass with poison ivy, and he drinks beer with his cereal.: 4.981
Chuck Norris was never born, he is the mutant offspring of Justice and Karate.: 4.962
"Chuck Norris wins the Ironman contest every year, without even entering. Way back in 1978 he showed up for the first Ironman Championship, and after the officials saw Chuck Norris, they declared him the winner, and said he was the winner every year he is alive.  Everyone else is just competing for second place.  ": 4.617
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is a 1:3 scale model of Chuck Norris' flacid penis.: 3.49
Chuck Norris was the first human being to walk upon the moon. He carved his body in a combat stance on the dark side of the moon as a warning to aliens.: 4.119
Plugging Chuck Norris into any equation makes the outcome equal to pain.: 6.282
Chuck Norris never wears a condom for two reasons. One, they don't fit, and two, "Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do!": 4.152
Chuck Norris once ordered a pepperoni pizza. When he discovered that they had forgotten the pepperonis, he roundhouse kicked the delivery boy and stapled him to the pizza and ate it.: 2.946
Unlike most of the civilized world, Chuck Norris will actually recieve 73 green-eyed virgins when he dies.: 4.021
Chuck Norris celebrated National Coming Out day by grabbing a rainbow out of the sky, tossing it up, and roundhouse kicking it into the Mayor of San Fransico's face.: 2.431
When Chuck Norris is told to go directly to jail and to not pass go and collect $200, he does so anyway.: 3.452
Many ancient Greeks believed that Achilles' only weakness was his heel. They were all wrong - Achilles' other weakness was Chuck Norris.: 5.586
"The reason The VietCong dug tunnels in Vietname was not to make suprise attacks on South Vietnamese or American soldiers, but to hide from Chuck Norris... ": 3.538
When Ben Stiller tried to say, "Fucking Chuck Norris," during the filming of Dodgeball, he suffered a near fatal brain aneurism. The scene had to be reshot with CGI.: 4.428
"There is currently a bill passing through congress to force Chuck Norris to get a tatoo that says \"SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Chuck Norris has been known to cause severe roundhouse kick related injuries.\" The irony is, by the time you've read it, the secondhand roundhouse kick is already fatal.": 4.238
When Chuck Norris was born, he karate chopped his own umbelical cord and built his own milk factory then drank it dry. He then started to learn how to speak in 2.54 seconds and proceeded to dazzle the room with a mixture of impressive karate and dazzling smiles.: 2.0
Chuck Norris once ate an entire live crocodile, then punched Steve Irwin in the face for being such a pussy.: 6.09
When Chuck Norris was in pre-school, his teacher taught him the lyrics and motions to "I'm a Little Teapot." Chuck was so offended by the thought of his teacher calling him a teapot, he roundhouse kicked her to the face. He then continued to eat her flesh and and construct an exact replica of the Eifel Tower with her bones.: 2.0
Chuck Norris once created the most intricate secret handshake ever. None of his friends were able to learn it so he cloned himself solely for the use of the handshake.: 4.372
The North won the Civil War with its secret weapon, Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris beat Robert E. Lee into submission for having a beard comparable to his. The beating was so severe though that it has been omitted from every history textbook.: 3.275
Chuck Norris has written every single song you've every liked, ever.: 2.571
A man once spent three days climbing a mountain only to discover that it was Chuck Norris' penis.: 5.555
Chuck Norris eats members of the Ku Klux Klan for lunch every Thursday.: 3.666
Chuck Norris is an anagram for "Shrink Occur". That is why your testicles feel small whenever you look upon his mighty visage.: 3.2
Chuck Norris created pi in order to keep humans confused. While scientists and mathematicians attempt to terminate pi, Chuck Norris plots to terminate them.: 4.461
Chuck Norris once copied the answers to a worksheet in Biology. A black kid noticed this, and told him he had just gotten G points. Chuck asked the kid what were G points. The kid replied with, "Gangsta points!" Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris thought back to his days as a kid in Fresno. So he stabbed the kid with a knife and roundhouse kicked him in the face, now he has 50 G points.: 4.24
Kryptonite is to Superman as Canada is to Chuck Norris. He hates that place.: 2.695
After a week long battle with strep throat, Chuck Norris was so fed up with the situation that he roundhouse kicked his own tonsils out of his body. Chuck never fell ill again because no virus wanted to "Fuck with Chuck".: 4.304
When people are dying, they are told not to go to the light because Chuck Norris is there waiting to kill them.: 6.181
When Chuck heard that Jesus was crucified, he roundhouse kicked 8 people standing around him and lit them on fire. We call this day Hannukah.: 3.866
The reason Chuck Norris has no children because looking at his genatalia produces the same results as if you were to open the Ark of the Covenent.: 4.62
Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.: 6.648
A kid once asked Chuck Norris why his round house kicks were so awesome. Chuck Norris replied by beating the child to death with a big poster of Bruce Lee.: 4.935
Chuck Norris single-handedly invented technology by staring down an Asian and stealing his soul. He then roundhouse kicked the man for shits and giggles.: 3.6
Every time Chuck Norris sneezes, a third-world contry is annihilated from the face of the Earth.: 3.622
Chuck Norris does not use a cell phone. He speaks at a normal volume, but out of fear the space-time continuum warps itself until his message reaches the person he's speaking to.: 5.339
If you look closely enough in the opening cut scene of Halo, you can see Chuck Norris still sleeping in one of the tubes. He was the original "Hushed Casket" but since he refused to wake up, they had to wake Master Chief, their plan "B".: 3.389
Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.: 4.26
Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.: 5.703
Boris Yeltsin has always known that Chuck hates commies.Its proven by the fact that Chuck Norris rhymes with Fuck Boris.: 5.833
Muhammed Ali used to say, "I am the greatest." Then he met Chuck Norris.: 5.925
Chuck Norris mother tried to abort him during her pregnacy. He responded by giving birth to himself and roundhouse kicking the doctor to death.: 3.612
Some people are now afraid to go hunting with Dick Cheney, but Dick Cheney has always been afraid to killing with Chuck Norris.: 4.392
Upon conclusion and extensive analysis of a fifteen year study, scientists and mathmaticians agree Chuck Norris' scrotum is a geometrically perfect sphere.: 4.8
People who maintain that "size doesn't matter" have never had sex with Chuck Norris.: 6.363
Dinasaurs are extinct because Chuck Norris grew tired of their shit.: 3.983
"Great minds have purposes. Chuck Norris: Kill. ": 2.96
"The reason so many people watched Walker: Texas Ranger over the period of eight years was not because they actually enjoyed the show, but out of sheer respect for Chuck Norris.": 4.452
Every Christmas Chuck Norris has a race with Santa Claus to see who can deliver the most presents or roundhouse kicks to each child in the world. Either way, the kids are happy.: 5.368
Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.: 6.666
Michael Jackson is only white now because Chuck Norris round-house kicked the black out of him.: 5.486
Chuck Norris spent 10 years in a tiger cage in Vietnam. Not because he was caught by the Vietcong. But because he wanted to spend some time alone with his thoughts.: 3.269
Chuck Norris was actually born a triplet. His brothers were death and pain.: 5.488
Chuck Norris and Dick Cheney once went hunting. There were no survivors.: 5.518
Chuck Norris plans to assisinate four other civil rights leaders just to get an entire week off in February.: 3.615
If you feel like you're having a bad day, just think about all the poor souls Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked.: 2.84
An 8 year old boy and his grandfather are at an Action Hero conference and the 8 year old boy asks his grandpa if he thinks Chuck Norris is tougher then Rambo. Chuck Norris, with his excellent hearing, hears this and roundhouse kicks the 8 year old boy in the face. He then roundhouse kicks the grandpa in the face because he felt like it. At this precise moment, Chuck Norris is searching for Rambo. You know why.: 2.812
Chuck Norris has the chromosome "B" solely for his beard.: 3.603
The black widow spider is one of the most poisonous spiders in the world. But Chuck Norris doesn't give a shit. He pops 'em like candy.: 3.629
Chuck Norris spends his weekends at zoos, having sex with gorillas.  No normal woman could take that kind of pain.: 5.615
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.: 7.836
The hammer was crafted after Chuck Norris' fist.: 3.642
When Chuck Norris falls asleep time stops out of fear of waking him up, thus creating the illusion that Chuck never sleeps.: 5.137
Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas bilndfolded, while having sex with 3 women.: 4.265
The sun may rise in the east, but it sets wherever Chuck Norris tells it to. By mere coincidence, Chuck Norris often tells the sun to set in the west.: 3.53
Chuck Norris votes people off of the island by roundhouse kicking them into the ocean.: 4.74
Chuck Norris stands outside of abortion clinics and stomp-kicks babies out of pregnant women after shouting, "Sunset!" Every woman that has had this done has thanked Chuck Norris. Then Chuck re-impregnated all of them with his seed.: 3.62
"Chuck Norris has won every contest that he's entered.  Even Miss Nude Wisconsin. ": 6.52
Chuck Norris is the leader of the Others in the TV Show "Lost".: 5.1
At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris: 7.52
The great Chicago fire of 1871 was not in fact started by Mrs. O'Leary's cow.  The fire was started by Chuck Norris when he discovered that deep dish pizza had not yet been invented.: 3.068
Chuck Norris doesn't put his pants on one leg at a time. He roundhouse kicks into them.: 3.877
"Hercules, Gangas Kan, King Arthur, and Paul Bunyan are just a few of Chuck Norris' early aliases. ": 3.4
To Chuck Norris, the cup isn't half full or half empty, but all usually deadly.: 5.666
Chuck Norris once stared down a mirror.: 4.865
Chuck Norris can finish any game within 4 turns. 3 of the 4 turns he is having sex with the Playboy cover girl.: 2.347
When Chuck Norris gives someone the finger. The women climax but men die.: 2.4
Chuck Norris's poop is used as currency in Argentina.: 3.666
Chuck Norris likes to refer to himself in third person. Why? Because he's fucking Chuck Norris.: 2.76
"If you masterbate while thinking of Chuck Norris, it is guaranteed to be 100 times more painful than usual. ": 4.34
Chuck Norris once raped the devil just to hear him scream.: 4.818
Chuck Norris and the Duck-billed Platypus are the only two species of mammals who are capable of laying eggs.: 4.117
It is believed that King Arthur's legendary sword Excalibur is actually a strand of hair from Chuck Norris' beard.: 3.469
Chuck Norris is considered a weapon of mass destruction, and George W. Bush has men working 24/7 to make sure he's not buried somewhere in Iraq.: 5.081
Chuck Norris allowed Bob Saget to believe he had been beaten in a bar fight in order to lull him into a false sense of security, just one part of his many phase plan. What phase was this you ask? The lulling phase.: 1.86
Chuck Norris can arm-pit fart without using his hands.: 3.583
Chuck Norris was originally the fifth Ninja Turtle. After Splinter kicked him out for "not being a mutant", Chuck roundhouse kicked him and the rest of the turtles, thus beginning the Boston Massacre.: 3.732
If Chuck Norris ever catches Tom Cruise jumping on his couch, he'll receive a roundhouse kick to the face.: 3.492
The "Brillo Pad" is actually made of the extra clippings from Chuck Norris' taint.: 2.217
If you looked at a sample of Chuck Norris under a microscope, you'd go blind.: 5.195
Chuck Norris breaths in carbon dioxide, and breaths out oxygen.: 2.784
A young boy was in a spelling bee. The judge asked him to spell the word "massacre". The boy spelled the word C-H-U-C-K- -N-O-R-R-I-S and automatically received first place. After the bee, he was raped by Chuck Norris because he hadn't said the "S" in "Norris" good enough.: 4.176
Chuck Norris does not need a passport. Chuck Norris exists in all 24 time zones simultaneously.: 3.872
Chuck Norris took a shit on the Mississippi river one day. It became New Orleans.: 4.826
Chuck Norris and Dick Cheney have joined forces to make the ultimate killing combo. Norris roundhouse kicks people and Dick Cheney shoots lawyers.: 2.478
Chuck Norris invented STD's as a way of leaving behind something besides an unwanted pregnancy after he has sex.: 6.88
When playing dodgeball, Chuck Norris will often light his opponents on fire, with lazer beams from his eyes.: 2.777
When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage. They simply lose the will to live.: 5.92
Chuck Norris has a huge penis. It growls whenever it wants to be fed.: 3.573
"Chuck Norris fucked a cat. He was later quoted as saying, \"Pussy is pussy.\" ": 3.596
The medical procedure known as a "C Section" was invented after Chuck Norris's mother ate sweettarts, or "faggot food" as he calls it, while preganant with him.: 4.094
Hitler did not commit suicide, Chuck Norris got bored of fighting WWII and killed him.: 4.408
Chuck Norris doesn't wear pants, instead he opted to have the design tattooed onto his lower body. Thus giving the skin tight look everybody loves, without hindering the successful completion of his roundhouse kick. Also, His belt buckle is a piercing.: 2.767
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.: 6.518
Chuck Norris wears bear traps for sandals.: 4.444
Instead of saying "Friend" to open up the doors to the Mines of Moria, Gandalf could have simply just said "Chuck Norris".: 4.326
Gary Coleman use to be 7 foot 2 inches...until he met Chuck Norris.: 4.456
Chuck Norris eats one Arab an hour and will continue to do so until the hostages in the Middle East are released. The catch? The hostages are being held by Chuck Norris.: 4.423
Unlike William Wallace, Chuck Norris can shoot fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse.: 3.463
The newest episode of Fear Factor involved a staring contest with Chuck Norris. The episode was thrown out due to lawsuits including the contestants turning into stone.: 3.617
Chuck Norris had 98 kills in Vietnam and he wasn't even there.: 4.255
"There is no mystery:  Chuck Norris came first.  Fuck the chicken AND the egg.": 5.829
Chuck Norris didn't like the color of his eyes so he had them tatooed.: 5.355
"Video didn't kill the radio star: Chuck Norris did.  With a roundhouse kick.": 4.474
"Starting in May of 2006, there will be four sizes of popcorn at AMC movie theaters: \"Small\", \"Medium\", \"Large\", and \"Chuck Norris' Balls\".": 3.234
If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.: 6.078
Chuck Norris never showers... because he never breaks a sweat.: 3.621
Chuck Norris invented the moon. Twice.: 2.692
Chuck Norris spends a lot of time trying to figure out how to arm wrestle himself.: 3.357
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.: 4.877
Chuck Norris is the exception to the "If it bleeds, we can kill it" rule.: 4.552
According to legend, Chuck Norris once played a game of Battleship against the U.S. government. It is unclear which side proposed the challenge, but Pearl Harbor has never been the same.: 4.256
Chuck Norris was camping once and needed to releive himself so he dug a hole. You might know it as the Grand Canyon.: 4.5
Chuck Norris could end world hunger if he wanted to, but he hates to miss a meal.: 5.25
The famous Dr. Marten Steel-Toed Boot was a vain effort to duplicate Chuck Norris' foot.: 3.979
Chuck Norris once beat Barry Bonds so badly that Barry had no choice but to become a racist.: 2.543
Chuck Norris passed a kidney stone once. You know it as the moon.: 5.659
The Great Wall of China was in fact created to keep Chuck Norris from invading, not the Mongols.: 5.388
"Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer. ": 5.717
Chuck Norris can bench-press a Buick. He doesn't like to, though, because it wrecks the transmission. For some reason he has no hesitation in doing curls with a Harley-Davidson.: 3.465
Chuck Norris invented the left turn. This was so he could roundhouse kick people both ways.: 4.583
Sloth from The Goonies is actually Chuck Norris' aborted son.: 3.586
One time a guy tried to shoot Chuck Norris but missed him. Chuck Norris then took the man's gun, shot himself in the face just to show the guy that a gunshot to the face is nothing to Chuck Norris.: 4.0
The only person to ever beat Chuck Norris in a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors was a mexican astronaut that went by the alias "Edguardo the Magnificent".: 1.792
Dan Rather's toupe is an exact replica of Chuck Norris' pubic hair.: 2.846
The pen is mightier than the sword. Chuck Norris is mightier than the pen.: 4.413
Chuck Norris rescued over thirteen infants from Charity Hospital following the devestation of Hurricane Katrina. He did not have a boat. He has not returned the babies.: 4.813
Chuck Norris puts the 'I' in 'Team': 5.615
Chuck Norris holds the world record for most pancakes eaten in one sitting with 11,433.: 3.558
Terrorists recently attempted to hijack Chuck Norris' private plane. This resulted in the world record for farthest distance a cowboy boot has been stuck up someone's ass.: 6.121
Chuck Norris once went to jail. The morning after his first night all the inmates, all the guards, and the warden had bleeding assholes.: 2.673
Chuck Norris once killed 5 people in less than a second. The only thing he said after this incident was, "Damn it, when Chuck Norris doesn't want Girl Scout cookies, Chuck Norris doesn't want Girl Scout cookies.": 7.269
Chuck Norris runs contrary to the Geneva Convention. However, in 1958 President Eisenhower persuaded the International Court of Human Rights to strike out that particular clause, on the grounds that Chuck Norris would kick all of their asses if they didn't.: 4.652
Chuck Norris laughs heartily whenever he watches Cialis commercials because his erections last four days.: 4.39
When Meatloaf said he'd do anything for love, but he won't do that, he was talking about looking Chuck Norris directly in the eye.: 4.508
The Chuck Norris action figure is responsible for eighty-four percent of all cases of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.: 6.25
The way the wind blows depends on which direction Chuck Norris is kicking ass.: 6.471
Chuck Norris is the only man known to beat a Super Mario game in under a minute. He went back in time to just before Bowser took Princess Peach. He pulled the spikes off the back of Bowser's shell and stuck them in his face. He finished him off with a roundhouse kick to the face, which made his head explode. Game over.: 3.4
Chuck Norris was born with tesicles of such great size, that when they dropped at the age of 3 and half, it created a crater so large that it single handedly killed off the dinosaurs. Today the crater is know as the Atlantic Ocean.: 3.782
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here.": 5.611
Chuck Norris can do 1000 push-ups with his penis.: 3.116
All of the Santa Clauses that Chuck Norris sat on as a child are now paraplegic.: 3.545
Chuck Norris once spent 5 hours balancing on the head of his erect penis.: 5.416
Chuck Norris was awarded the nobel price for peace, for letting so many people live.: 5.062
Chuck Norris competed in the luge event at the winter olympics, but instead of a sled he rode a human cadaver.: 4.25
If you wake up in the morning it's because Chuck Norris spared your life.: 5.779
Chuck Norris does not own a cellphone. Instead, he has state of the art homing devices tagged on everyone he knows.: 3.079
After freeing the slaves, Chuck Norris only thought it right to bring balance back into the force. He promptly assassinated President Lincoln.: 4.055
There are a thousand ways to eat a Reese's, but Chuck Norris needs only one way to kill someone.: 5.068
Chuck Norris is actually asexual.  He reproduces similarly to salmon, in that he lays his eggs, then comes back months later to fertilize them himself.: 2.465
Chuck Norris can end any sentence with a preposition.: 4.591
The first man on the moon was actually Chuck Norris.  He did this in 1955.  When those other two losers got up there, he roundhouse kicked them to Mars and took their space pod.  But he didn't go home; he went to Venus to pick up sluts.: 3.169
Chuck Norris once kicked a carton of milk. The cow died instantly.: 5.918
Chuck Norris uses Jupiter's Great Red Spot as his own personal "Glory Hole".: 4.948
While not officially a diplomat, Chuck Norris has his own seat at the United Nations. He walked into the building by accident in 1992 and sat down in a seat reserved for the representative from Denmark, who chose to sit indian style rather than risk asking him to leave.: 4.256
Chuck Norris has the Texas flag tatooed on his nutsack.: 3.666
Chuck Norris can fly.  This is because gravity doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.: 5.262
Nobody is ever after Chuck Norris's Lucky Charms: 5.137
After Chuck Norris has consumed all human and animal life, he will eat himself. Only after that would Chuck consider eating vegetables.: 3.333
"Chuck Norris learned to read as a newborn in the hosptial while studying his ID bracelet. When he realized his mother had given him the middle name \"Les\" thereby making him Chuck-Les, he roundhouse kicked her in the face, and said his first words - \"Who's laughing now?\" ": 3.69
Chuck Norris invented the iPod Nano when he realized that men with penises under 5 feet in length should have smaller iPods that he does.: 5.333
Chuck Norris fucks on the first date.: 2.779
Chuck Norris' left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style.: 2.877
Chuck Norris taught Grizzly Adams how to grow a beard.: 3.36
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.: 3.511
Chuck Norris once could not find Waldo; they do not make those books any more.: 4.688
Chuck Norris doesn't cut grass, he dares it to grow.: 6.0
The story of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, is based on the true story of Chuck Norris and his throbing penis.: 3.32
Few people are aware that Chuck Norris is the first person to ever be diagnosed with beard cancer. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris quickly beat the cancer into remission with a series of roundhouse kicks and rabbit punches.: 4.392
Chuck Norris does not mow his lawn, he simply performs a roundhouse kick demonstration from the porch, and the grass wilts in fear.: 4.214
Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.: 2.822
"Chuck Norris has 92 chromosomes rather than the normal 46, meaning he is scientifically twice as good as any other human in existence.  ": 5.368
When Chuch Norris ejaculated, the first atomic bomb was created.: 2.068
Chuck Norris once said that 67% of statistics are made up... everyone believed him.: 4.69
The Easter Bunny used to be real until Chuck Norris tore its legs off and shoved it down a well in northern Scotland. Chuck Norris' only explanation was that the Easter bunny once sold him some bad weed.: 3.804
Chuck Norris actually stole the cookie from the cookie jar, then roundhouse kicked anyone who questioned his integrity: 4.468
When Chuck Norris farts, everyone within a two mile radius gets third degree burns.: 4.28
"Chuck Norris doesn't fight men, he only fights women. Because, in Chuck Norris' presence, there is no such thing as \"men\". Only man. One. And don't even think about it; itâ\x80\x99s Chuck. When he visits the facilities, the doors read \"Women's\" and \"Chuck's\".": 1.52
Chuck Norris wears a cross around his neck. A damn shame that he only got one for the purpose of crucifying small rodents.: 3.267
Brawny Paper Towels originally intended Chuck Norris to be their spokesman. They decided against it, however, because their product could not handle Chuck Norris's messes.: 5.0
If you count the number of individual spermatozoa your testes will produce in your lifetime, it's still less that the number of women that have achieved orgasm by running their hands through Chuck Norris's chest hair.: 4.775
The evolution theory states that everything evolved from one living being. Chuck Norris is that living being.: 4.294
Did I ever tell you about the time Chuck Norris took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Chuck Norris takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'": 2.596
In Jurassic Park, the water shaking in the glass was from Chuck Norris masturbating halfway around the world.  The dinosaur was purely coincidence.: 5.301
Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help win WWII.: 2.52
In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man.: 4.641
Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.: 4.491
On 9/11 Chuck Norris didn't say anything. Instead he hopped into the Norriscoptor, flew to Afghanistan, captured Osama bin Laden and keeps him locked in his basement. He has promised president Bush he'll turn him over once he's done beating the shit out of him.: 3.809
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.: 6.65
Chuck Norris built the equator to get a leg up on China's "Great Wall.": 3.433
In bowling, 3 strikes in a row is called a "turkey". 716 strikes in a row is called a "Chuck Norris".: 5.48
Chuck Norris is niether male nor female, his gender is in fact, Chuck Norris.: 6.09
Chuck Norris burnt down his middle school. It was his retaliation to a classmate calling him "Fire crotch.": 4.814
"Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is actually pretty judicious with his roundhouse kicks. The one thing he's always up for is roundhouse kicking retarded people and the physically handicapped. He refers to these as \"mercy killings.\" ": 4.09
Chuck Norris prefers cats to dogs. This is because cats fit better in his George Forman grill.: 5.133
The Spanish did not blow up the USS Maine, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the arms room, survived the blast, and smoked a Cuban.: 3.428
Chuck Norris' family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.: 4.883
Chuck Norris was supposed to star in an episode of the Simpsons, but the only plausible situation involving Chuck featured him killing all the men and children and having sex with all the women, and wasn't good for the continuation of the program.: 2.148
Chuck Norris wears glasses that make everyone look Asian. This is why he kicks so many people in the face.: 3.13
Chuck Norris preferrs Mr.Pibb to Dr.Pepper. When asked why, he simply stated "I don't trust doctors" He then proceded to shoot laser beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.: 3.193
One day, Chuck Norris was walking down the street when he saw an old lady trying to cross at a busy intersection. As he was helping her across, a city bus came charging towards them. Chuck tossed the old lady to safety and placed his body directly in front of the bus, stopping it instantly. He then proceeded to eat the bus. Then he ate the old lady. Chuck Norris never takes chances.: 3.347
In the beginning Chuck Norris said, "Let there be light," then swiftly kicked the universe in the throat, laughed, and lit a fart on fire.: 4.068
While lost in the forest, Chuck Norris had unprotected sex with a grizzly bear, accidently creating the killing machine known as Teddy Ruxpin.: 2.84
If you pay close attention, women's breasts quiver if you whisper, "Chuck Norris" anywhere in the country.: 3.514
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into next week, so he could roundhouse the man another week forward.: 5.779
Einstein developed his Theory of Relativity when Chuck Norris kicked him and he landed ten years older.: 4.342
Rather than signing autographs with a pen and paper, Chuck Norris takes a hot iron and brands his name into people.: 5.956
The McRib sandwich only comes back when Chuck Norris is in the mood for one.: 6.6
Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris calls you a pussy, fucks 23 women right in front of you, and the eats a kitten.: 3.5
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.: 5.428
Scientists claim a black hole is a region of spacetime from which nothing can escape, even light.  Chuck Norris sticks his dick in them because he says it feels good.: 5.333
"According to recently discovered ancient texts, God didn't rest on the seventh day but instead combined all of his powers to create the ultimate being: a super powered, ninja-pirate, with a sweet red beard and the ability to entertain millions. His name of course was Chuck Norris.": 2.735
Chuck Norris invented puppies.: 2.898
CNN was originally the "Chuck Norris Network" but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers' eyeballs.: 4.425
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. Instead, each night he listens to "Afternoon Delight" on repeat while staring at himself mirror and lip syncing until he feels ready to kick ass another day.: 4.13
Chuck Norris embodies the only matter known to have escaped a black hole.: 3.297
Mr. T once tried to pity Chuck Norris. He was instantly roundhouse kicked in the face.: 4.685
Chuck Norris was onced asked, "Who let the dogs out?" He paused for a moment and then calmly stated, "Go fuck yourself.": 3.698
Chuck Norris owns several very successful funeral homes. The reason why is debatable.: 4.961
Chuck Norris doesn't shoot skeets; he just points at them while in flight, and they explode. He has never missed.: 4.333
The book of the bible "Revelation" is really what will happen should we anger Chuck Norris.: 4.216
The Chinese ideogram for "Chuck Norris" depicts the heaven above growing a beard.: 3.744
All your base are belong to us.  If by "us" you mean Chuck Norris, and "base" you mean women, schools, cars, souls, virginities, webrings, 4q.cc, Xanga, Facebook, crushes, poetry, spoken language, modernism, financial wealth, laughter, joy, peace, philosophy, eschatology, doctrine, theology, vision, hearing, atoms, molecules, and anything else Chuck Norris wants,: 3.153
Chuck Norris will be the next Governor of Texas. Hollywood is writing the script for "Governator vs. Goveranger". In the end, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks California into the ocean.: 4.027
Chuck Norris has a stare that turns goat piss into gasoline.: 4.215
It was actually a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris that put Terry Schiavo in a persistent vegetative state.: 3.734
You may survive death, but you can't survive Chuck Norris.: 5.342
The Vitruvian Man is actually the earliest known drawing of Chuck Norris. Da Vinci thought his four headed penis was unbelivable, so he changed it to four extra limbs. Authorties at the time were unable to explain the penis shaped stab holes that killed him.: 4.645
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires, but he likes toasty marshmellows.: 5.036
Chuck Norris didn't like the end of Superman IV, so broke Christopher Reeves' neck.: 2.104
Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of telling if an aircraft landed in soil by tasting it.: 3.714
If the coach had put Chuck Norris in in the fourth quarter, they would have won state. No doubt about it.: 3.15
"Chuck Norris is so potent that his sperm must be encased in plutonium.  ": 2.512
The song "Cryin'" by Aerosmith is about Steven Tyler's love for Chuck Norris.: 2.851
Chuck Norris is the final picture on an Evolution chart.: 5.157
The infomercial for the Total Gym was originally intended to be an episode of MTV cribs.: 3.425
Chuck Norris used to train in the Sahara Forest.: 6.774
Chuck Norris viciously attacks Bill Gates anytime he needs lunch money.: 3.576
A good way to tell if you are about to be attacked by Chuck Norris is to notice the music becoming more intense. You might also see ninjas scoping you out from behind trees and on roofs. Death is certain at this point.: 4.119
It never rains on Chuck Norris.: 3.327
"Chuck Norris's wife died of blood loss after his beard ripped her face off while they were having sex. When the police showed up to arrest him for her murder, he kicked their asses, then went to each of their houses and fucked their wives. And daughters. And mothers. And dogs. ": 2.047
Chuck Norris shaves with a John Deere tractor.: 6.25
On the first day, God created Chuck Norris. On the second day, God created the roundhouse kick. On the third day, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God out of heaven. God now works as a waiter in North Dakota.: 4.627
Caesar's real last words were, "Et tu, Chuck Norris...": 3.896
God never makes an appearence on earth because Chuck Norris won't let him.: 3.553
Chuck Norris performs cold fusion in his left testicle, and nuclear fission in his right.: 3.043
After Chuck Norris punches the monkey for a free iPod, the computer he is using immediatly shuts down and gives birth to an iPod that plays music, videos, satellite TV, trims his beard, brushes his teeth, and streams your mom's number across the top at all times.: 5.026
There is no such thing as the sun.  The bright light you see when you look outside is Chuck Norris' smile after eating all the children at the local daycare center.: 3.108
If you're separated by six degrees from Kevin Bacon, you're an actor. If you're separated by six degrees from Chuck Norris, you'll be dead in a matter of hours.: 5.169
Don't step on the cracks, or Chuck Norris will break your mother's back.: 4.043
The Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was actually an attempt on the life of Chuck Norris. This so enraged him that he started a secret club, called it the Manhattan Project, and built an atomic bomb. Though poised to attack on Dec. 8th, 1941 he decided to make the Japs "sweat it out for a bit." By 1945, he'd had enough and decimated the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki with his new creation.: 3.923
Lance Armstrong really didn't lose a testicle to cancer, he is actually the only living survivor to a Chuck Norris delivered round house kick to the balls: 5.255
Chuck Norris can remotely impregnate women.: 2.645
"Contrary to popular belief, James Cameron wanted to go with Chuck Norris as the original \"The Terminator\". However, after close inspection, Cameron realized this would be more of a documentary then the sci-fi blockbuster he was hoping for, and went with some bitch from Austria that Chuck Norris worked as bodyguard for. ": 4.648
If you try to kick Chuck Norris in the balls, his penis will roundhouse kick your foot.: 4.767
In 1997, Chuck achieved a milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition. This one's true folks. Thumbs up Chucky.: 4.392
Whenever you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills a kitten, but not really because you masturbated..just for the hell of it.: 5.155
Meeting Chuck Norris is a lot like life, it will always end in death.: 4.4
Stephen king was once locked in a room with Chuck Norris for five hours. Five months later Stephen king came out with the book the Shining.: 4.307
Bigfoot is a piece of Chuck Norris' beard that gained sentience and escaped.: 4.803
Most people use "or else" when issuing a threat. Chuck Norris doesn't have to. The only possible result of ignoring his threats is death, and that's simply understood.: 5.605
Chuck Norris first appeared on TV when he was 8 years old, doing a musical number on the show 'Star Search'.  When Chuck Norris' musical number started he just roundhouse kicked one of the judges in the face.  He then remained motionless for the last two minutes of the song while smiling and giving the thumbs up.  Chuck Norris would have won but, due to paralysis, judge number three just made gurgling noises when he tried to tell Chuck Norris he received a perfect score.: 5.0
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.: 7.083
Chuck Norris once won a three legged race by himself but was stripped of his first prize when the runner up complained that Chuck Norris' massive penis doesn't count as a third leg, This enraged Chuck he roundhouse kicked both the runner up and the judges in the face causing instant death, They gave Chuck back his first prize and changed the rules.: 4.965
Chuck Norris was sent to the principal's office in fourth grade for roundhouse kicking his teacher to death... while bench pressing 5,000 lbs. and making fun of the foreign kid.: 5.425
If Chuck Norris stands too close to a microwave on a humid day his beard will glow with St. Elmo's fire: 3.461
Chuck Norris wore jeans so tight his wife became sterile.: 2.875
Chuck Norris won $1M on an episode of 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' without speaking or using a single lifeline: 3.045
Chuck Norris does not play the guitar, instead he plays the six stringed bass.: 3.866
When asked the question "What's your stance on abortion?" Chuck Norris looked at the reporter sternly and answered, "When do I apply?": 4.416
Chuck Norris gives 95% of the women he bones multiple orgasms. He gives the rest concussions.: 6.291
Chuck Norris is not the second coming of Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ was the first coming of Chuck Norris.: 3.188
In Texas the new death penalty is a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris.: 3.875
Chuck Norris was the 5th face on Mount Rushmore, but when the artist got his nose wrong, Norris karate chopped it off the mountain: 3.78
Chuck Norris does not know how to swim, but water is too afraid to do anything about it.: 6.619
"When Chuck Norris wants a salad, he eats a vegetarian.  ": 5.35
The wood chuck didn't in fact chuck any wood because Chuck Norris kicked its ass for having the same name.: 5.18
Chuck Norris will become president in the year 2008 after he beats every member of the electoral college in a 537 to 1 caged death match.: 4.593
Chuck Norris never physically touches people. He simply tells them to be hurt, and they are.: 3.266
Chuck Norris once decided to visit Mordor. He simply walked in.: 6.088
"In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. In the end all that will be left is Chuck Norris. ": 3.347
Chuck Norris' beard turns CO2 into O2. The trees are full of shit.: 6.061
Chuck Norris invented lesbians. After reaching the epitome of manhood by sleeping with Norris, they had no choice but to begin anew with women.: 4.836
Chuck Norris only needs one to tango.: 4.125
In a grassy knoll in Dallas one day, Chuck Norris decided to flash a parade. JFK's head exploded at the sight of his dick, and the world has never been the same.: 2.838
Chuck Norris' sperm is so virile that it travelled back in time and impregnated his mother. Only Chuck Norris could father Chuck Norris.: 5.678
People love wine country but Chuck Norris prefers scotch country.: 3.892
Chuck Norris has the strength of ten men, if each of those them men had the strength of a bear.: 4.714
"Chuck Norris once joined a Buddhist Monastary. The Buddhist leaders immediatly kicked him out after the Monks began to worship him. ": 6.235
Chuck Norris doesn't have to eat, but he does it anyways to be cool.: 4.431
Chuck Norris has never lost at Battleship.: 4.19
One night Chuck Norris took Viagra just for the hell of it.  They are still patching the hole in the house across the street.: 4.6
Kevlar is made out of Chuch Norris's beard.: 4.647
Chuck Norris let the dogs out. Then he hunted down and brutally murdered each one of them using dead babies he had tied together as nun-chucks.: 4.2
The original "Fantastic Four" consisted of Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Vin Diesel, and Bruce Lee. They broke up shortly after an argument between Chuck and Bruce concerning a bag of Cheetos, which resulted in the real cause behind Bruce Lee's death. "Fantastic Three" just didn't have the same ring to it.: 3.619
Almost all of the Lego design team was lost when they attempted to dismantle a life-size replica of Chuck Norris they had built.: 3.052
Chuck Norris does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the acutal spelling of it.: 5.857
Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.: 3.609
Chuck Norris CAN find a needle in a haystack, and then kill a man with the needle... or the haystack.: 6.0
Viagra is extracted from Chuck Norris' beard.: 4.75
Chuck Norris is the reason why you touch yourself at night.: 3.559
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.: 7.75
Chuck Norris' lips are never chapped. When he feels his lips getting dry, he roundhouse kicks the nearest person in the face and moistens his lips with their blood.: 3.595
When Chuck Norris has a good idea he kicks over a forklift carrying a pallet of light bulbs.: 4.464
A solar eclipse is the result of the sun accidentally making eye contact with Chuck Norris.: 5.052
When Chuck Norris' shit hits the fan, the fan breaks.: 6.355
Chuck Norris went on a date with Terri Schiavo. She stated that Chuck was a "terrible actor", and refused to sleep with him. The term "persistent vegetative state" was invented the next day.: 5.583
Chuck Norris' urine gets 57 miles to the gallon in any Kia. Upon learning that his urine was being used as an alternative energy source to gasoline by a foreign automobile company, Chuck Norris began drinking nuclear waste. Over 1300 Kia owners perished from radiation before scientists identified the problem. Chuck Norris is not sorry.: 4.078
Depression is actually a Latin term.  Translated in means, "You can never be Chuck Norris".: 2.863
Chuck Norris was the original TV dad for the Keatons on the sitcom Family Ties, however when he found out that pussy Michael J. Fox was gonna play his son, he called them all faggots, punched a hole in the front door with his pinky, fucked Meredith Baxter-Birney, and Michael Gross got the part instead.: 3.236
If the groundhog doesn't see his shadow, there's six more weeks of winter. If the groundhog does see his shadow, there isn't six more weeks of winter. But whether or not the groundhog sees Chuck Norris, there's ALWAYS six more weeks of roundhouse kicking.: 5.0
Chuck Norris began studying martial arts in preparation for his 10th High School reunion, at which he planned to "teach a lesson" to his old flame, Mario Lopez.: 1.984
Ghandi used to be a Nazi before Chuck Norris Round House Kicked him in the face. Showing him that violence is not the answer.: 4.87
Chuck Norris shot Bon Jovi in the heart for giving love a bad name.: 4.227
Chuck Norris eats all the cereal featured in those Total commercials.  The ones with like 50 bowls stacked full of Raisin Bran.  He then spends 3 months in the bathroom, and doesn't need to eat again until the following spring: 2.746
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is in no way responsible for the advent of the computer era. However, he did invent silicon after winning a bet with Thelonious Monk by eating nothing but sand for forty days.: 4.0
Ben and Jerry's was recently forced to pull their new flavor, "Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Swirl", from shelves following a slew of complaints from parents. The ice cream was blood red, and contained pieces of small children and rusty nails.: 5.916
Chuck Norris recieved one third of the total votes in a recent episode of "So you think you can dance". He did not appear on the show.: 5.377
On the seventh day God rested, because Chuck Norris had him in a sleeper hold.: 4.1
Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.: 5.571
"G.I. Joe was originally titled: G.I. Chuck Norris, but Hasbro thought that the doll was too manly and would scare small children. They kept the Kung-fu gip.": 4.692
Contrary to popular belief, Mary was not a virgin. Chuck impregnated her and the result was a bearded man named Jesus that could walk on water and turn stone into bread. He could not, however, throw a proper roundhouse kick. Chuck abandoned them and denied that Jesus was his son by proclaiming that Mary was a virgin. Everyone listened, because he is Chuck Norris.: 5.2
Chuck Norris can drink a gallon of milk and poop whole sticks of butter.: 4.711
"The original name for the popular video game \"Halo\" was actually \"Chuck Norris Superkicks II: Alien Fuck-Up Hour\".": 6.0
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym.: 5.854
Due to the excessive amount of unprotected sex Chuck Norris takes part in, it is garunteed that he appears in your family tree anywhere from 3 to 10 times.: 5.872
"As a baby, Chuck Norris ate nails and staples. ": 2.181
Chuck Norris' bones cannot be broken by anyone except Chuck Norris. Sometimes Chuck breaks his own bones just to show off.: 3.688
When you hear that snap, crackle and pop in your Rice Krispies, that really Chuck Norris round house kicking the shit out of the elves. He owns them every morning.: 4.145
When Chuck Norris says jump, you ask for permission to come down.: 6.583
If Chuck Norris had a dime for every man that didn't die from his roundhouse kick, he would have no dimes.: 6.125
No woman has ever lived long enough to cuddle with Chuck Norris after sex. Instead, he cuddles with his beard.: 4.69
When asked why Chuck Norris doesn't use 100% of his power in martial arts tournaments, he points at the once habitual moon. Then he roundhouse kicks the fool who asked him this to show mercy.: 3.388
There once was a man from Nantucket. Chuck Norris paralyzed him from the waist down.: 4.41
They say that it's impossible to breathe in space. Tell that to Chuck Norris.: 5.4
The video game "Double Dragon" was created based on the true life crime fighting team of Chuck Norris and his penis.: 5.121
Chuck Norris always throws rock, if you throw paper you get his rock in your face.: 5.767
The Primordial Soup, Big Bang, Evolution, and Divine Creation Theories are all fake. One day Chuck Norris got really horny thinking about himself, jerked off, and his semen then formed into living creatures. Also one day he killed all the dinosaurs off. Just because he felt like it.: 2.648
Chuck Norris masturbates to the sound of kittens crying.: 4.629
Chuck Norris' orgasms produce an electromagnetic pulse in a 2 mile radius.: 3.652
Chuck Norris' idea for alternative fuel was rejected by the EPA because the main ingredients were bald eagle heads and faberge eggs.: 3.733
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris.": 4.755
When Chuck Norris masturbates, a doorway to hell is opened, thus allowing demons to roam freely on the earth.: 2.179
Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483.: 6.882
Chuck Norris can survive for 17 years in the desert without a source of water. His secret? He can squeeze water out of sand grains with his incomparable strength.: 3.75
Chuck Norris is the only person to ever beat Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Chuck Norris won by picking up the whole table of hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his competition. To help the hot dogs go down easier, he ate the 400 pound fat guy next to him. Chuck Norris was then banned from eating hot dogs or fat people ever again.: 3.476
Walker Texas Ranger is just a normal man, but when danger calls he transforms into Chuck Norris.: 5.224
As a child, Chuck Norris' favorite toy was his Sit 'n Spin. It is not a coincidence that his hometown of Ryan, Oklahoma is located almost exactly in the middle of what is now known as Tornado Alley.: 2.15
Chuck Norris once ripped a man in half just to see what he had for lunch.: 4.297
It has been said that using only a shoelace, three coconuts and a wedge of cheese, Chuck Norris can bring forth the apocalypse.: 4.259
Chuck Norris can deep throat a wiffleball bat.: 2.925
Chuck Norris' beard is the inspiration for modern day steel wool.: 4.584
When Chuck Norris found out who stole the cookies from the cookie jar, he found him and broke his neck; when the owner of the cookies asked for them back, Chuck Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick him in the face, Chuck Norris loves his cookies.: 4.035
Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.: 5.054
Some scientists still refer to supernovas as "The Chuck Norris Effect". These scientists also think that comets are Chuck's sperm.: 2.428
Chuck Norris once was challenged to a cannonball contest while at Venice Beach. The resulting wake caused thousands of Asians to become homeless.: 3.697
Chuck Norris's heart beats twice per day. That's all he needs.: 5.333
When Chuck Norris heard the it took God 7 days to create the Earth he teleported to heaven, called God a bitch, and told him he could have done it in 6. Later he remembered that he was God and got a burly lumberjack sized chuckle out of it.: 4.413
Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.: 4.842
Chuck Norris made the first oak tree by planting one of his arm hairs.: 4.674
In Chuck Norris' early 90's animated cartoon, "Chuck Norris' Karate Kommandos", his cartoon persona managed to kick the evil Super Ninja into Sesame Street, leading to mayhem.: 3.727
Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime.  Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday.": 4.638
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.: 6.91
Chuck Norris once masturbated from Texas and ejaculated so far that it landed in a small childs fish tank, the child fell in awe of catching some of Chuck Norris' sperm, the contents of the tank then fell into the sewer, the result of this was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: 4.518
If you trek to England to see Stonehenge, you will be greatly disappointed. Chuck Norris broke the stones with nothing more than the side of his right hand. His left was rendered useless by the 12-pack he was drinking at the same time.: 4.15
Chuck Norris found Nemo... then gave that damn fish a roundhouse kick to the face and deep-fried it. His beard then grew twice as thick.: 2.893
Chuck Norris' laugh sounds like that of a small child. You wouldn't know this because he never laughs.: 4.111
Most people enjoy smoking crack rocks. Chuck Norris smokes crack boulders.: 3.909
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.: 2.886
When Chuck Norris dies, he goes to a special division of heaven, where everyone who has taken Norris' name in vain also resides, so he can singlehandedly beat them down.: 5.1
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.: 5.187
Chuck Norris once round house kicked a lazy-eyed child in the face because he was starring at him.: 4.51
"Chuck Norris' beard conquered Poland three times. ": 5.345
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.: 7.71
Why did the midget cross the road? Because Chuck Norris pistol-whipped it in the skull.: 3.267
On the sixth day God created Chuck Norris.  On the seventh day God did not rest, he was unconscience after recieving a round house kick to the face for not making Chuck on day one.: 4.177
The Rhino is actually the result of a drunken one night stand Chuck Norris had with a Hippo.: 3.854
Chuck Norris doesn't have to watch the news. The news comes to Chuck, and asks politely if it can explain itself to him.: 4.857
Chuck Norris requires only one roundhouse kick to reach the center of a Tootsie Pop.: 4.25
When Chuck Norris does his laundry, he prefers the gentle cycle. He can't feel a difference, but he thinks softer clothes helps him blend in with mortals.: 3.181
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.: 5.16
Chuck Norris uses mace as mouthwash.: 5.354
Chuck Norris pees standing up, unlike Steven Segal.: 3.85
Hasselhoff blew up Chuck Norris' mailbox for stealing his cameo glory in Dodgeball. Norris then blew up Hasselhoff's mother.: 3.813
"On August 17, 1993, Nolan Ryan introduced himself to Chuck Norris as \"Ryan: Texas Ranger\". On August 17, 2008, Nolan Ryan will die. If Chuck Norris respects you, he'll give you fifteen more years.": 4.2
Chuck Norris was the secret briefcase item in Pulp Fiction.: 5.339
Chuck Norris rolls natural 20s every time, regardless of the type of dice he rolls: 3.568
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.: 6.068
You are NOT allowed to draw and/or publish Chuck Norris cartoons. If you do so, as soon as you finish it, the cartoon version of Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you straight into death.: 4.037
Chuck Norris has caught every Pokemon, then he ate them.: 4.47
Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!: 5.32
Chuck Norris allowed Bruce Lee to appear to win in Return of the Dragon but Chuck became angry when Lee pulled his chest hair and punched Lee so hard that he "mysteriously" died a few years later.: 3.441
"Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.  ": 7.694
Chuck Norris is the world's best actor. Or else.: 4.634
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Professor X. Thats how he ended up in a wheelchair.: 4.312
Chuck Norris is known to have ate a puppy just because he didn't have anything else around to chase his hard liquor.: 2.689
Once to decided who had the greatest beard of all time Chuck Norris challenged Sean Connery in a fight to the death. The battle ended in a draw when the two decided that their beards we're equally matched. The two joined forces and destroyed New Zealand. You may know this battle as documented in the film Lord of the Rings.: 5.25
Chuck Norris was originally to be cast as the protagonist in Terminator.  He denied, since he has already stopped a time war between machines and mankind.  Twice.: 5.589
Chuck Norris once went out to check his mail, but it was too cold. As a solution Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the air, and suddenly it was summertime.: 3.586
"In the original text of the bible John 3:16 translates: \"For God so loved the world, he sent them his only begotten Chuck Norris.\"": 3.266
What happens when an entire nation rises against Chuck Norris?  Ask the citizens of Atlantis.: 5.125
Chuck Norris is not a "Pepper" and will roundhouse kick you if you say he is.: 2.38
The ultimate cheat code in Mortal Kombat unlocks Chuck Norris, who upon pushing any button immediately begins a Fatality even if his opponent has full strength.: 5.509
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, Chuck Norris will still be able to kick your ass.: 4.024
After seeing Chuck Norris lay waste to a homeless man with his lightning breath, a Japanese film creator went home and wrote "Chuckzilla," after realizing his mistake, he quickly recovered and renamed the movie, "Godzilla.": 3.487
Batman's alter ego is Chuck Norris.: 1.509
There was once a line of soap based off of Chuck Norris. His face was on every bar. While popular in the early 90s, the soap was discontinued after thousands of women started growing his stern yet sexy beard.: 4.261
Once when Ray Charles was three, he saw Chuck Norris' penis.: 6.104
Not only did Chuck Norris write and direct Superman 3, he also stared as every character.: 2.551
Chuck Norris once lit his fart with a match. We know this event as the Apocalypse.: 3.739
When Chuck Norris purchases anything he doesn't pay in money, he pays in death.: 2.593
Chuck Norris' ball sweat is an acid so potent, the only things that can withstand it are Chuck Norris' balls.: 3.773
Stores will accept Monopoly money if Chuck Norris is paying.: 5.893
"Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet. ": 6.411
Chuck Norris doesnt have a keyboard for his computer, instead he stares at the screen untill his thoughts appear there.: 5.056
Anabolic steroids are a byproduct of Chuck Norris' urine.: 4.345
Chuck Norris has perfected faster-than-light travel. He won't give the patent to NASA until all of their employees grow beards.: 3.87
Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with babies.: 3.774
"Chuck Norris's dick is so big, it has its own Dick. And Chuck Norris's Dick's dick is bigger than your dick. ": 3.52
Chuck Norris was kicked out of the National Kickball League for roundhouse kicking the balls through people's torsos.: 5.064
When Chuck Norris first saw the ten commandments written in stone, he was angered that god did not include his name.  He then gave Moses a wedgie and karate chopped the Commandments in several peices.  Moses snickered as he made off with the real copy, to this day, Chuck Norris will punch anyone who brings up the subject of the the ten commandments in hope that it could be Moses in disguise.: 2.181
Chuck Norris attends Spring Break every year because where there's drinking, there's fighting, where there's fighting, there's kicking, and where there's kicking, there's Chuck.: 5.983
Chuck Norris has no teeth. Instead food is digested in his beard and absorbed into his neck.: 3.403
You can't get blood from a stone, the mere thought of this makes Chuck Norris laugh, so loud in fact that nearby stones bleed in fear.: 5.851
Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.: 5.195
No one has ever seen Chuck Norris and Optimus Prime together at the same time. Coincidence?: 4.75
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.: 5.125
Chuck Norris is one of three people who actually KNOWS the 11 secret herbs and spices in Kentucky Fried Chicken.: 3.481
When Chuck Norris was on vacation in Calcutta he impregnated an entire seminary of nuns. Nine months later they gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins.: 5.5
In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest. Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a pussy. This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year.: 4.702
Every time Chuck Norris flexes, someone dies.: 4.625
The original "Chuck Taylor All Stars" shoe from Converse was originally named the "Chuck Norris All Stars," but Norris had the name changed when Converse refused to make their slogan "Run faster, Jump higher, Roundhouse harder.": 5.8
Chuck Norris wears live rabbits as bunny slippers. He puts on said slippers every morning by kicking the rabbits in their anus.: 4.27
It is common knowledge that Chuck Norris can remove the wrapper of a Starburst inside of his mouth. He can also remove the wrapper of a Starburst inside someone else's mouth with a well placed roundhouse kick.: 5.54
A man was standing on the edge of the Empire State Building threatening to jump to his death. Chuck Norris was called in to talk the man down. After successfully persuading the man not to jump, Chuck Norris sucker punched him right off the building.: 5.534
Chuck Norris had AIDS.  Then he said, 'Do you not know who I am?'  Chuck has been AIDS-free ever since.: 3.0
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.: 3.649
All hurricanes used to be named Chuck Norris, until 'Hurricane Chuck Norris' was roundhouse kicked out of Texas by the, thusly proven, one-and-only Chuck Norris.: 3.58
Chuck Norris invented cigarettes so he can kill more people simultaneously.: 5.36
Chuck Norris' favorite smell is that of his opponents soiled pants.: 3.582
Chuck Norris invented the Sun to light his cigars with.: 3.083
Chuck Norris was once taking a dump in a public bathroom in New York, and at one point, the man in the next stall made a comment about the horrible stench of Chuck's feces. Norris proceeded to release a bout of flatulence that incinerated the poor fool shitting next to him, and then recounted his story to a scientist friend of his, who did some further research. The basis for the atom bomb was discovered, and the research was called "the Manhattan Project", named for the place where Chuck Norris released his radioactive fart. Japan would never be the same.: 2.891
And on the eleventh day Chuck Norris created the Asians, so he would have plenty of people to kill.: 3.557
Chuck Norris carved Mt. Rushmore by himself with his teeth. It took him thirty seconds.: 1.813
Chuck Norris once tamed a wild stallion in the forest. He rode the horse across the United States and back in under 24 hours. When he returned home he killed the horse and ate the entire thing.: 1.807
Before Chuck Norris, it used to take the Earth 365 days to revolve around the sun. Then in the fall of 1976, Chuck Norris performed a roundhouse kick so powerful, the shockwave caused the Earth to slow and since then it now takes the Earth 365 and 1/4 days to revolve around the sun. Chuck Norris is the reason we recognize leap years.: 5.06
Chuck Norris did not shoot the deputy or the sheriff, but he roundhouse kicked the crap out of both of them.: 4.173
Chuck Norris can unwrap a Starburst inside his mouth. The only other person that can do this is currently locked in a cage in Chuck's basement.: 2.888
Thankfully, Chuck Norris doesn't masterbate because the heat caused by the friction would boil the water in the oceans.: 2.962
Parapsychologists have documented that Chuck Norris is the only human to ever have punched a ghost.: 6.377
Chuck Norris is what U2 was looking for, and they still haven't found him.: 4.125
President Bush released a statement yesterday saying that fuel emessions actually help the environment. It's the heat that radiates from Chuck Norris' pecs that cause global warming. Sorry Australia.: 2.574
Chuck Norris' beard is coarser than 40-grit sandpaper. He occasionally uses it to buff out rust bubbles on his 1974 Ford Econoline.: 3.444
Pain is only temporary. Unless Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you in the face... that just fucking hurts.: 4.291
In String Theory, the entire universe is vibrating. In Chuck Norris Fact, the entire universe is vibrating from a roundhouse kick.: 3.36
Chuck Norris has been shot 68 times in his life, but only one bullet has drawn blood. When asked later about how the that bullet broke the skin, he said, "I let that one in so I could shoot it back out of my navel.": 2.891
Chuck Norris could have been a lumberjack but he was too manly.: 3.707
Chuck Norris eats pencils and markers for breakfast, and he shits out masterpieces.: 3.837
Gillette currently has the Mach 3 razor on the market. In order to shave Chuck Norris' beard, the razor would have to be mach 26,544.: 4.181
Chuck Norris has been known to keep his solid waste in shoe boxes, and send them to Goodwill. By the time of delivery, they will have turned into bars of gold.: 2.534
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and shits gun powder. Then he uses that gun powder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life".: 4.098
Chuck Norris is so badass that Oreos seperate in the package for him. Chuck Norris only likes the cream.: 3.901
Chuck Norris's penis is so massive that it has its own elbow. In conclusion, Chuck Norris can use his penis to karate chop midgets and handicapped midgets.: 3.326
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.: 5.879
Blitzkrieg is the German word for Chuck Norris.: 5.32
Death came for Chuck Norris in 1992, Chuck then roundhouse kicked Death in the face saying, "I decide when people die".: 6.17
If you ask Chuck Norris which beverage he prefers, Coke or Pepsi, he stares you down until you blink and then he rips your tounge out for daring to ask such a stupid question. Real men drink the blood and tears of their victims, not carbonated sodas.: 4.863
Jaws made his last cinematic appearance in 1983. Coincidentally, Chuck Norris developped a liking for sushi in 1983.: 5.294
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.: 5.907
Chuck Norris has only ever lost one fight. It was against Ghandi, lasted 72 days, and spanned 6 dimensions.: 2.833
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.: 3.535
Chuck Norris ate the last piece of pizza. What are you gonna do about it?: 3.807
If Chuck Norris was sent back in time to kill John Connor, he would have got the job done.: 2.78
One night Chuck Norris while was eating a taco that he got when Taco Bell paid their daily respects to him, a man named "Thomas the Hobo" ran up and stole Chuck's taco. Chuck Norris was so angry he screamed into the sky for 8 days and 8 nights. This period of time is now celebrated as "Chanukah" by Jewish people.: 2.672
Chuck Norris once had sex with the Virgin Mary, thus Jesus was born.: 1.928
Chuck Norris doesn't own a cell phone. He just yells.: 5.885
Chuck Norris will be cloned in the 31st Century and defeat the invading aliens by playing the theme from "Walker, Texas Ranger" on the largest sound system the resistance can find.: 2.575
In 500 years, pure energy will be observable under a very sophisticated microscope. When viewed, you will be able to see millions of Chuck Norrises doing roundhouse kicks nonstop at an incredible rate. When this happens, Chuck will emerge from his grave after a long sleep, stretch his arms and casually say, "I cannot be created or destroyed.": 3.694
The black plague was the result of Chuck Norris sneezing on Europe.: 3.083
In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.: 4.214
Chuck Norris once ate 73 hot dogs in 2 minutes and the resulting shit formed the Taj Mahal.: 2.647
The Greeks only put one man in the legendary Trojan Horse. You know who he was... and he knows you know.: 3.857
Beyond contrary belief, the time era most often referred to as "B.C" is not really pronunciations for "Before Christ". It's actually "Before Chuck". This was altered by scientist because the sheer thought of someone of Chuck Norris' calibur knowing to exist would end all reasoning.: 1.9
Matthew Webb was the first person to swim the English Channel. Chuck Norris was the first person to swim the Sea of Tranquility.: 3.97
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.: 6.359
When Chuck Norris was young, he accidentally stepped in a bear trap. He wore that trap on his leg for six years, and boy do his foes remember it. If you think getting kicked in the face by Chuck Norris is bad, imagine having twenty pounds of steel jaws come with it!: 5.285
A kid once stole Chuck Norris' hat and ran into an apple orchard.  Chuck Norris flew into such a rage that he accidentally invented apple sauce.: 3.326
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.: 5.812
Recently Chuck Norris donated $5.7 million to the Tsunami Relief Fund. It's about time he started taking responsibility for his actions.: 4.905
As a youngster, Chuck Norris promised himself he wouldn't cry. Last year, his beloved mother died and a single tear fell out of his eye and down his cheek. He immediately roundhouse kicked himself for breaking his promise.: 3.881
If you try to say Chuck Norris five times, as fast as you can, your head will explode. If it doesn't happen to you, you're not saying it fast enough.: 5.425
Chuck Norris has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.: 4.581
"Contray to current religous beliefs, BC actually stands for Before Chuck. ": 6.5
Chuck Norris eats fire and then poops out pure gold.: 2.562
Chuck Norris supports abortion.  It is still unknown whether it is his attraction to killing babies or his desire to control his child support payments that fuels his support.: 4.07
Everytime Chuck Norris eats a crippled or retarded child here in the U.S., a baby is born in China. That explains China's extremely large population.: 3.254
Chuck Norris once had anal sex with his wife. As a result, she was in traction for well over a year.: 4.217
The last words Gandhi ever heared were, "Take a dirt-nap, asshole." Who uttered these immortal lines? As if you have to ask.: 5.175
If you ever meet Chuck Norris, he may flaunt the fact that he is "fluent in over 6 million forms of communication". Be wary though, as most of these are either a punch to the face, or a kick to the groin.: 3.603
Chuck Norris reads the facts on this page every day in order to find out whose children he needs to eat. Rumor has it that he comes to your house and devours your kids leg-first so you can hear their screams. And if you don't have children, he gets you pregnant.: 2.083
Do you know why Bono wears those ridiculous sunglasses? His ego once got the best of him (it's hard to believe, but yes, it's true!), and he tried to stare directly at Chuck Norris. Now, not only does Bono's heart bleed, but he's clinically blind in both eyes.: 2.708
The show "Fear Factor" is based on things Chuck Norris has done in his life.: 5.26
Chuck Norris does not stick it to the Man. He is the Man.: 4.187
Chuck Norris has never and will never have a girlfriend. He goes out, finds a hot chick, has his way with her, and promises to call her the next day. It is an ongoing cycle.: 3.125
Chuck Norris' wife could'nt get some water to boil on their stove. So Chuck walked over and simply placed a piece of hair from his beard in the water and it immediatly began to boil. After seeing this his wife thanked him. He then roundhoused kicked the boiling pot of water onto his wifes face, reminding her never to speak directly to face of Chuck Norris again.: 5.222
Had Chuck Norris played "Neo" in "The Matrix" rather than Keanu Reeves, there would have been no need for special effects.: 6.407
In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.: 2.235
In the late 80s Dirty Harry Callahan challenged Chuck Norris to a staring contest.  Dirty Harry has not been heard from since.: 3.74
Recently historians discovered an additional book of the bible, there is now Mark, Mathew, Luke, John, and Chuck Norris.: 5.245
Chuck Norris auditioned for the lead role in the origional 'Shaft', but was told he "wasn't black enough". In retaliation, he killed Martin Luther King jr.: 3.388
There are some things in the world money can't buy. For everything else, there's Chuck Norris.: 5.468
"Chuck Norris filmed all 202 episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger in a day. However, this is not actually an achievement of Norris', all the episodes were actually assembled using the same 15 minutes of Chuck Norris footage.": 2.347
Chuck Norris is China's plan for population control.: 4.351
Chuck Norris solved Pi. It actually ends with "CHUCK".: 3.807
During a brief stint as a psychoanalyst, Chuck Norris revolutionized the field with Cirumdomopodiatric Therapy, a kickass treatment for all ills.: 2.142
Chuck Norris once raped a rhino, just to show how badass he can be.: 2.527
When Chuck Norris was in elementary school he found the tallest kid in school and tied a cord around his neck.  He then found the shortest and fattest and tied him to the cord.  After he finished his game of tetherball, he suspended the Principal.: 4.75
Chuck Norris eats Viagra only so that he can have an extra loaded weapon on him at all times.: 4.377
"Chuck Norris once used a butterfly knife camping. This may not sound special but he used it to build a tent, start a fire and kill a deer. Oh, and as a compass. ": 3.86
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.: 4.956
Pretzels make Chuck Norris thirsty. Nonetheless, he continues to eat them.: 4.367
"In 1985 Chuck Norris entered a science fair for disadvantaged 8-12 year old Spanish children.  His premise was that the speed and force of his roundhouse kicks actual disproved many of the laws our understanding of physics is based on.  Despite lacking any actual proof for this theory Chuck was awarded first place in all catagories.  Every year since Chuck has been awarded a special merit award for \"Please don't hurt us\". ": 4.045
Every movie ever made would have been better with Chuck Norris in it.  This is why in Hollywood the Oscar for, "Best Actor" is known as, "Second Place".: 3.8
All women love Chuck Norris because the mere thought of his beard creates an explosion of desire and passion in their vaginas.: 3.361
Chuck Norris does not buy his beef in the store. No, he goes into a pasture and starts eating a cow alive while it is grazing.: 3.38
Chuck Norris once had sex with the Queen of England. When she asked him to cuddle, he roundhouse kicked her in the ovary and then bit off her leg - just to prove a point. Chuck Norris does not cuddle, because Chuck Norris is not a pussy.: 3.836
Each red and white blood cell in Chuck Norris' bloodstream has its own beard.: 4.254
Prostate cancer gets regularly checked for Chuck Norris.: 5.54
Chuck Norris actually died in 1986, but Heaven didn't want him since he was known to rip the wings of angels.: 1.792
"Chuck Norris created time.  When asked why, he said because he wanted to clock his roundhouse kick.  ": 3.978
If Chuck Norris' blood ever touches the ground the world will implode.: 2.8
Archaeologists have recently found a saddle with the with the inscription, "property of Chuck Norris" etched into the hardened leather right on top of the fossilized skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.: 6.136
Every time Chuck Norris ejaculates, an angel gets its wings.: 3.5
Adam wasn't actually the first man on Earth. Chuck Norris was. He then asked God for someone to practice roundhouse kicks on.: 5.0
Johnny Cash's remake of "Hurt" was actually written by Chuck Norris.: 2.622
The cell phone was first used by Chuck Norris in the Middle Ages to call Jesus.: 2.593
Andacondas can grow up to over 30 feet long, and dislocate their jaws so they can open thier mouths exeptionaly wide. But they still cant deep throat Chuck Norris.: 5.923
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now.": 5.921
Chuck once did a karaoke version of "Another Brick in The Wall" by Pink Floyd. That's when the teachers all left them kids alone.: 3.476
"Contrary to popular belief, it was not Moses who freed the Israelites from Egypt. It was in fact Chuck Norris who delivered a sanctimonious roundhouse kick to the Red Sea, parting it for hours.  ": 4.96
Chuck Norris is actually a robot sent from the future to kill John Connor.: 3.6
Chuck Norris pisses ammonia.: 4.2
Ever heard of the saying, "you can't squeeze blood from a stone?" Chuck Norris hasn't. There's a reason for that.: 3.442
During the times of Vietnam, hippies dodged the draft because they knew they'd come up against Chuck Norris.: 2.764
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man's face through the back of his own skull, and Chuck was so sneaky about it the man did not notice for 3 days.: 4.761
Chuck Norris was originally going to be Kenny on on the movie, "Half Baked" but could not because every time they did the scene with the horse the Walker Texas Ranger theme music started playing out of no where.: 5.212
When asked his opinion about the war in Iraq, Chuck Norris said "Those Iraqis are lucky we got an army, cause if we didn't I would be forced to over and beat the tar out of every individual within my perimeter". He then roundhoused the reporter and walked off in anger.: 1.56
Chuck Norris lives in Texas, with his wife and 874 Vietnamese slave children.: 3.653
Before Chuck Norris shoots a scene for "Walker, Texas Ranger", he eats two bowls of Cheerios garnished with Cocaine.: 2.862
While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.: 4.543
Chuck Norris drinks his own urine, but not because it gives him superpowers. It's because he enjoys the taste.: 2.921
Chuck Norris won the Ironman Triathlon with a piano strapped to his back. Along the way he had sex with 59 women and one one man who was quote "bitching about his wife drowning from an orgasm." When he was given the medal, Chuck explained that he was just moving his piano and didn't realize that there was actually a race.: 6.493
"\"Luke, Chuck Norris is your father\"": 2.191
If you call out the name "Chuck Norris" three times while making love to a virgin, she will forever believe you to be the biggest and best lover she ever had.  At least, until the real Chuck Norris gets to her.: 4.674
"Chuck Norris' powerful penis perpetually penetrates your perfectly puckered poopchute.  Saying that five times out loud will result in the statement becoming a reality. ": 2.947
One time a kid came up to Chuck Norris and said, "My name is Chuck, too." Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked kid in the head and said, "Your name is now Mentally retarded kid.": 6.276
If you take Chuck Norris and subtract the letters i, s, o, r, n, u, c, k, and h, then add the letters j, e, s, u, and s--in that order--you end up with Jesus.: 3.468
The truth about Osama Bin Laden is that he is actually hiding from Chuck Norris. You would too if you called him Charles.: 4.285
"\"The Incredible Hulk\" is the nick name for Chuck Norris's package.": 3.432
Chuck Norris created the Bering Strait by skull fucking the Earth into submission.: 2.437
NASA hired Chuck Norris to save money. He kicks people into outer space, and they later land safely into his chest hair.: 5.275
Chuck Norris' farts rival the most deadly nerve gases: 4.346
Chuck Norris is not just God's gift to women; he is God's gift to man, woman and beast.: 3.365
Once, Chuck Norris got in a fight with a man in bar, and proceeded to roundhouse kick him in the shoulder so hard that he severed his arm. Norris then used the man's own hand to rip out his still beating heart, which Norris squeezed dry, and used the blood as ketchup on his 64 oz. official "Chuck Norris" Burger from Lone Star.: 2.705
The only reason the US withdrew from the Vietnam War was because Chuck Norris got tired of killing gooks.: 4.555
After seeing "Supersize Me," Chuck Norris ate every McDonalds in the continental United States whole.  Then he went to the dude's house and roundhouse kicked him in the face for being such a pussy.: 3.745
Chuck Norris once ate a bad cheese burger at McDonalds. So he tracked down the president of the company, and round house kicked his secretary in the face so hard that she released her bowels onto the office floor. He then force fed the McDolands president the entire mess. This meal is now considered a delicacy in certain parts of the world, and can be found in certain McDonalds establishments under the name "McNorris".: 3.482
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.: 7.391
Chuck Norris sank the Titanic with a slow-motion roundhouse kick because Chuck Norris can't stand that Celine Dion song.: 3.756
Chuck Norris fucked a black hole to just prove his dick was long enough.: 4.508
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.: 5.881
Before the U.S. bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki with the first nuclear bomb, they had expiremented with using a warhead filled with Chuck Norris semen. After tests, they abandoned plans to make the Norris bomb because it was just too powerful and would have wiped out over 80% of Asia.: 1.227
A man once fired a bullet at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris swallowed the bullet and proceeded to drop his pants. Chuck Norris then bent over and fired the bullet out of his ass, blowing the man's head off.: 3.274
If you loudly chant the incantation "Chuck Norris" ten times in a dark room, all of your friends will simaltaneously and instantly be decapitated.: 4.553
Every single person who has ever quoted "Napolean Dynamite" is now on Chuck Norris' list. Chuck Norris hates that fucking movie.: 3.878
Due to a legal technicality, Chuck Norris was the President of the United States from January 23rd to February 4th, 1997. As the law currently stands, he is the "pinch hitter" for the Secretary of State.: 3.043
Chuck Norris gives Freddy Krueger nightmares.: 4.487
"Chuck Norris is really a robot, built with human-like emotion chips.He has two programs: One being anger, and the other solving problems with round house kicking solutions.": 3.454
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.: 5.47
In 1846, Mormon pioneers moved out west in a futile attempt to stop Chuck Norris from sleeping with all their wives.: 4.9
Chuck Norris received gonorrea but couldn't tell because he pees razors everyday.: 3.6
Chuck Norris is half silverback gorilla.: 2.543
Much like the porcupine, Chuck Norris floats in water. Also much like the porcupine, Chuck Norris's facial hair can stiffen into needles, but he finds it difficult to comb his beard that way, and thus abstains from it.: 2.452
When Chuck Norris talks, God listens.: 3.49
God will only remain in business as long as he continues paying protection money to Chuck Norris.: 4.642
"Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.": 7.375
Chuck Norris knows how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.: 3.078
Few people know that Chuck Norris was crucified and buried with Jesus.  However, unlike Jesus, Chuck rose from the dead after a few hours and spent the next two days drawing on Jesus' face with a Sharpie, taking embarrassing pictures of Him, and slapping him in the face with his own hand, saying, "Quit hittin' yourself!": 5.352
Chuck Norris' only pick up line is him snapping his fingers, pointing at a girl, and then pointing to his bulge. Chuck Norris gets it all the time.: 7.204
It is Chuck Norris' eye that adorns the Great Seal on the back of the $1 bill. He is all seeing.: 4.854
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.: 6.782
Shortly after winning the 1978 international Kung Fu title Chuck Norris flew around the world in a hot air balloon in 3 days, prooving that records are simply a list of things Chuck Norris has never attempted.: 5.135
Chuck Norris once ate a sofa and crapped out a loveseat and an armchair.: 4.2
Jimi Hendrix once challenged Chuck Norris to a guitar playing contest. When Chuck lost, he round house kicked Hendrix so hard that he died of a drug overdose.: 2.745
Chuck Norris is the devil's evil twin.: 1.724
When Chuck Norris squints he sees at a sub-atomic level.: 4.52
Chuck Norris was conceived when God round-house kicked Satan in the ovary.: 3.553
In space, Chuck Norris can hear you scream.: 3.066
The Total Gym is built entirely of Chuck Norris' pubic hair. If woven correctly, it rivals the strength of titanium.: 3.327
The explanation of thunder is a cover-up. Only few know that this is the sound made when Chuck Norris is practicing snap kicks. Lightning is a result of his speed causing him to travel back into time.: 2.608
Chuck Norris can grate fresh parmesan cheese with his rust-red beard.: 3.711
Upon his birth during the ice age, Chuck Norris ate his own umbilical cord, thus proving he was destined to be badass forever.: 2.549
Every time Chuck Norris watches a space shuttle explode on tv he immediately has an orgasim.: 2.325
Each individual hair in Chuck Norris' beard, has a beard of it's own.: 4.285
"Chuck Norris once broke the kneck of a passing stranger in the street. When asked why he responded, \"He looked like a damn commie.\" Chuck then opened fire on a passing school bus with an M60 machine gun, this is thought to be the basis for US foreign policy to this day. ": 1.647
"Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Sally Jesse Raphael just to get an erection. ": 2.621
Chuck Norris has had sex on every Total Body Gym set that has been sold in the Midwest.: 4.844
Chuck Norris not only brushes his teeth with a wire brush, and showers using steel wool as a washcloth, he also single handedly identified every UFO ever seen.: 1.847
Chuck Norris has been known to penetrate multiple layers of titanium with his hard on.: 2.96
Chuck Norris once made love to a Sasquatch. This resulted in the birth of George W. Bush, and the Sasquatch contacting an incurable form of Syphillis, known as "The Norris Clap".: 2.54
Chuck Norris invented the Internet. He only had Al Gore claim to have done it so that he could stop killing people for asking him to fix it.: 3.727
Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.: 7.166
As part of a social awareness campaign, Chuck Norris battled racism. He won, and though he jump-kicked racism right over the edge of a cliff, racism managed to survive. He's been holding back and biding his time for another chance at Norris.: 4.088
Chuck Norris doesn't wait for oppurtunity to come knocking. He roundhouse kicks it till he gets all that he wants.: 3.69
Chuck Norris' digestive system is so strong, he routinely eats glass and shits out sand.: 3.277
Did you know that shooting stars are just people that Chuck Norris has kicked? His roundhouse is powerful it can propell you far, far into space.: 4.685
Chuck Norris likes "Sunny D" because it contains his favorite things. Oranges and motor oil.: 3.295
Chuck Norris' belly button is an "inny". Inside Chuck's belly button is an alternate universe where thousands of Chuck Norriseseseses are training to get their buddies out of a Viet-Cong P.O.W. camp.: 3.54
Chuck Norris gave asexual, immaculate birth to MacGyver simply because there was not yet a person to compare Chuck Norris to. When MacGyver got popular, Chuck Norris ate him whole.: 2.032
Chuck Norris can have as much homosexual sex as he wants and still be considered straight. This ability was given to him by the Pope, out of gratitude for the movie "Missing in Action".: 5.45
When Chuck Norris sneezes, a small country disappears.: 3.869
Chuck Norris can never, and will never become ill. Disease fears him.: 3.312
An object at rest tends to stay at rest until it comes in contact with a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.: 4.0
Chuck Norris teaches weekly karate classes to groups of women. During the class Chuck always ends up tricking the women into dyking out and then banging him.: 5.092
"Chuck Norris attributes his athletic ability and toughness to the teasing he endured due to his birthname:  Chuckleberry.  He also... (Editor's Note:  The writer could not finish due to a roundhouse kick to the ear by a blonde and brown blur that appeared to be Chuckleberry Nor...)": 4.285
The only gold medal Chuck Norris hasn't won at the Olympics is in gymnastics because that is for fags.: 5.58
A Tsunami is water fleeing from Chuck Norris.: 4.84
Chuck Norris does not bake, the bread rises on his presence.: 4.288
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked cancer so hard he gave it AIDS.: 5.953
Chuck Norris swears he didn't sleep with your wife. Yes, it is strange that your children show an affinity for Texas justice and beard cultivation. No, Chuck Norris does not know why your wife can only climax when you wear a karate uniform. Chuck Norris thinks you are asking the kind a questions a person asks when they want to be kicked in the face.: 4.107
Chuck Norris can do a Number 2 while standing.: 3.884
Chuck Norris occasionally has Missing In Action flashbacks where he's escaping a Vietnam Prison and randomly starts killing Asians with his bare fist because thats the way Chuck rolls. You'll know when it's coming because Asians start flying through the air with random explosions, horrible subtitles will scroll your line of vision, and  Chuck will run and hide in your mom's garden, finally stealing your Kia Sportage screaming, "Get in the Chopper" and lines like, "I'm Proud to be a Fucking American" after kicking your little sister in the face.: 5.339
Only Wonder Woman has a uterus capable of bearing Chuck Norris' children.: 5.8
One time, a long time ago, some kid named Steven made fun of Chuck Norris' jeans, so Chuck Norris made jeans out of him, and named them Levi.: 3.619
Every time someone Googles Chuck Norris a puppy's head gets smashed by a sledge hammer.: 5.272
Chuck Norris is like the Ring. Once you see him, you are already dead.: 3.384
Every time Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks someone, God kills a kitten. Chuck Norris hates kittens.: 5.661
On the Eighth Day Chuck Norris told God to take a breather and that he'd "Take it from here.": 5.088
Chcuk Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.: 4.113
Very few women have survived sex with Chuck Norris. He ejaculates poison tipped arrows.: 3.113
Chuck Norris can cause a forest fire just using the magical properties of his beard, he can then, if he chooses, extinguish the fire by roundhouse kicking it.: 2.283
Chuck Norris doesnt look at the toilet paper after he wipes.: 4.5
Chuck Norris was actually Martin Luther King's dream.: 5.345
Chuck Norris doesn't ask if a girl is on the pill, he simply just roundhouse kicks them to the stomach when he's done, to make sure that everything inside is dead.: 3.4
Chuck Norris built Rome in a day.: 4.49
If Arnold Schwarzenegger is the Governor of California, Chuck Norris is the default Master of the Universe.: 4.942
When the medical industry falls on tough times they call upon Chuck Norris to roam the countryside delivering roundhouse kicks to anyone who may cross his path in order to stimulate business in hospitals.: 4.468
Chuck Norris once wrote 1 horoscope for everyone. It predicted pain.: 6.875
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.: 6.227
When playing Go Fish, Chuck Norris really does "go fish." He then brings back a fifty pound bass, guts it, and then reassembles it and throws it back into the water.: 4.368
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris did not learn martial arts. He merely rediscovered the ancient, forgotten art of Chuck Norris.: 6.64
Once Chuck Norris hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit.: 4.333
Chuck Norris can core an apple with his penis.: 4.12
On the 6th day, God created Chuck Norris.  On the 7th day, God rested. On the 8th day, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God and took over.: 3.941
Sometimes Chuck Norris parts his hair on the left side just to see if anyone will notice. They always do.: 4.196
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked China, hence the flat faces.: 3.418
"Chuck Norris had been the first action star approached to be the original Terminator. They filmed over 90% of the movie with Chuck, but had to scrap it in the end because Chuck was just too indestructible and test audiences simply couldn't believe he could be bested by Linda Hamilton.  ": 4.617
The fruit-destruction-based comedian Gallager based his watermelon-smathing act on the hilarity ensuing after Chuck Norris entered the Fragile Headed People's Fundraising Dinner.: 3.75
Chuck Norris' beard is the hardest substance known to man, followed closely by Chuck Norris' flexed biceps.: 5.44
A waiter asked Chuck Norris what he would be eating that night. Chuck Norris replied "Do you serve souls?" The waiter merely chuckled, then every patron and employee in the restaurant simultaneously hung themselves.: 3.862
The book of revelations actually predicts what should happen if Chuck Norris ever drops acid.: 4.625
When Chuck Norris had an appendix rupture while in the jungle of Vietnam, many enemy were slain when they rushed to the explosion thinking a mortar had finally wounded their enemy. The swiftness of the kicks dispelled that "mortal" myth.: 3.571
Chuck Norris caused the Great Depression, because he went to the bank and withdrew all of his money.: 4.4
Chuck Norris fought the law, and he won.: 5.5
Chuck Norris once visited the great northwestern redwood forests and had his penis mistaken by a tour guide for a giant sequoia.: 3.707
Chuck Norris can fly, walk through walls, and throw a ball into outer space. The laws of physics are too scared to apply to him.: 4.48
In 2005, four people died worldwide of shark bites.  During this same period 4,000 sharks died of Chuck Norris bites.: 6.171
Chuck Norris pisses anabolic steroids.: 2.411
"Abandoned by his mother at birth, Chuck Norris was discovered by South African zoologists naked, fully bearded and feeding upon the carcass of a lion he had just killed.  ": 5.304
Chuck Norris doesn't need to masturbate. His penis jerks itself off.: 4.31
Much like the sun, Chuck Norris will cause blindness if looked at for pronlonged periods of time.: 4.511
When Chuck Norris is in a bad mood, it affects the tides.: 6.156
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. For Chuck Norris, there is Richard Simmons.: 5.812
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.: 7.39
While searching online for a quicker, more efficient way to bake muffins, Chuck Norris encountered the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on Google. Taking this as a snide remark, Chuck Norris proceeded to destroy the search engine and fourteen orphanages for good measure. Chuck Norris is the only known man to have roundhouse kicked a search engine.: 3.509
If Chuck Norris were a nation, he would be the world's fifth largest economy.: 3.645
The sound of Chuck Norris scratching his beard makes angels weep.: 4.456
Chuck Norris never pronounces his name correctly because of his religious beliefs.: 3.127
Chuck Norris created the first perpetual motion machine by hanging a Volkswagen Beetle on the end of a tetherball pole then kicking it. Thus he solved the world's energy problem.: 4.4
Chuck Norris' sperm can be visibly seen thrashing about like fish out of water.: 3.5
Chuck Norris' only facial expression is beard.: 5.37
In the late 19th century Chuck Norris traveled back in time and invented the dinosaurs, because he hates to see a perfectly good meteor go to waste.: 5.174
Even making eye contact with Chuck Norris on televison has been known to make men shit their pants in fear.: 3.51
Chuck Norris never attended school, yet he holds a degree in every academic discipline from every university on the planet. When asked to comment about the situation, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the reporter to death and then masturbated.: 3.061
Once, when Chuck Norris had a fever, a man told him the only cure was more cowbell. Chuck Norris was so enraged that he flicked the man in the testicles, causing him to vomit uncontrollably for 16 days straight.: 3.454
In the year 2003 Chuck Norris made a claim that he had in fact written every book on 14th century history. When asked how he could've physically been able to write this material from this period seeing as he was born in 1940, he replied with "Because I'm Chuck Fucking Norris." and proceded to deliever a roundhouse to a small Vietnamese couple.: 3.173
The only weaknesses of Superman are kryptonite and Chuck Norris.: 5.488
Chuck Norris knows the absolute value of pi. He claims the last digit of it is the number of times he has blinked.: 4.45
Two and a Half Men was originally a show only about Chuck Norris.: 5.404
Mark Magwire tested positive for Chuck Norris testosterone, the strongest steroid in the history of time.: 3.192
Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.: 6.688
Chuck Norris is on a mission, That mission is to rename the "White House" to "Round House" and kick the crap out of terrorisim.: 5.821
Chuck Norris once was shot and killed in a fatality scene. Unlike Brandon Lee he revived himself and drop kicked the shooter.: 3.357
The San Andreas Fault has been blamed for most of Chuck Norris' farts.: 3.542
When Chuck Norris chops down a tree, he uses the wooden end of the axe.: 6.52
Chuck Norris once dressed up as a wuss for Halloween by wearing loose fitting pants and shaving his beard. Whenever a homeowner would give him Smarties while trick or treating, he would yell, "I loathe Smarties!" and roundhouse kicked them in the throat. Chuck Norris's beard grew back by the third house, and this will go down as the most unconvincing Halloween costume in history. Chuck was 38 at the time.: 2.945
Chuck Norris uses babies as footballs and feels no shame.: 3.836
"On Chuck Norris's 16th birthday, his father bought him a prostitute. He gave her a round-house kick to the head after she refused to go a 21st time. ": 4.782
Chuck Norris shits bricks, this is why he is such a hard ass.: 2.781
Chuck Norris invented the haircare product "Just For Men". He later removed it from the stores and now makes it "Just for Chuck Norris". If you ask him to share his product, he will beat you to death and eat your children.: 3.229
Chuck Norris wasn't nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his cameo in "Dodgeball" because he is above simple awards. And when he does want one, he steals it.: 3.5
Chuck Norris does not walk; he moves the ground.: 3.826
Chuck Norris is a master at Dance Dance Revolution. If you play him and lose, he roundhouse kicks you in the face which somehow breaks your legs.: 4.622
Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris, not the Florida Supreme Court, made the final judgement on Terri Schiavo's fate. It was a roundhouse kick to the feeding tube.: 4.0
Chuck Norris was only in a wheel chair once in his life... so he could take down Steven Hawking fairly.: 4.56
When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.: 6.893
Chuck Norris knows exactly where Waldo is on every page. Even the pirate one.: 5.538
Chuck Norris can kill you just by thinking about you. When people die suddenly in their sleep, the medical term is "DBN" (Death By Norris).: 3.9
Chuck Norris caught the roadrunner while blindfolded and then ate it alive, right in front of that fucking coyote. He then put the coyote in a cage and watched it starve to death. Who's wiley now?: 6.192
Chuck Norris once ate a three month old baby and then pooped him out the same day as a full grown man. His name you ask...? Abraham Lincoln. Abe later went on to end slavery and go on a beard promotion tour throughout the United States.: 2.872
After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer.  "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.: 6.653
Unlike most other humans, Chuck Norris can acutally travel through the Internet, exit at your PC, and kick your ass if he wants to.: 3.23
The United Nations considers use of Chuck Norris's legs to be a crime against humanity. But he doesn't care, because he's Chuck Norris.: 3.5
"Chuck Norris does not grow old.  He merely puts on a disguise of a balding head and greying beard every now and then to lure people into thinking they can take him.  Then, he roundhouse kicks them in the face.  ": 3.479
Chuck Norris breathes pain instead of oxygen.: 4.079
Chuck Norris takes no prisoners, but he does take their wives.: 6.466
Chuck Norris knows how to pronounce Cthulhu. However, if he says Cthulhu in the correct pronounciation, several Turkmenistanian virgins will be sacrificed to Loki.: 3.0
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.: 5.292
Chuck Norris invented the thumb for the sole purpose of giving "the thumbs-up", he later discovered the aposable thumb can be used for millions of other things, like giving "the thumbs-down", drinking a beer, and picking up spare change from the floor. Steven Segal was so furious at this achievment, he invented the "Big Toe", which hasn't been as big of a hit as the thumb. sorry Steve-o.: 4.357
If it's 10 o'clock and you don't know where your girlfriend is, she's probably having sex with Chuck Norris.: 5.612
Chuck Norris wears custom made boots with his name imprinted on the bottom. The reason being is so if anyone ever asks him for his autograph, they will get it permanently across the side of their face.: 6.875
Chuck Norris wears a mullet wig on weekends just so he can kick the asses of those who make fun of him.: 5.068
Chuck Norris found Waldo, beat the shit out of him, and chained him to a radiator so he couldn't ever run away again.: 5.482
Chuck Norris doesn't make love to his wife, he just gets less angry at her.: 5.085
The Eighth Amendment (no cruel and unusual punishment) was created specifically because of Chuck Norris. This effort was in vain, however, since Chuck Norris is the supreme law of the land.: 4.2
The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.: 5.645
Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.: 6.985
The weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were actually Saddam's attept to clone Chuck Norris. President Bush would not allow Walker Iraqi Ranger; the ultimate weapon of mass destruction.: 4.543
As a young lad, Chuck Norris' parents warned him of household toxins that little Chuck should avoid.  Proving his superior wit and strength, Chuch then shattered a thermometer and drank the mercury, ate a handful of lead-filled paint chips, and chased it all down with a shot of Clorox.  Disappointed in his parents, Chuck roundhoused his dad, and then ripped off his mother's left hand and bitch slapped her with it.  How dare they patronize Chuck Norris!: 2.836
On the 7th day, God rested. Chuck Norris took over.: 5.27
Obviously, on the seventh day God did not rest. He created Chuck Norris; his most successful creation.: 2.953
Chuck Norris ate Mike Tyson's children.: 4.058
Over 10,000 virgins had to be sacrificed before Chuck Norris would agree to cameo in the film "Dodgeball.": 5.38
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.: 4.3
After eating a series of spoiled cabbage, Chuck Norris shat a turd with magical abilities. He named it Yoda and roundhouse kicked it to a galaxy far, far away.: 4.72
Chuck Norris was born covered in blood. Two minutes later, out came another dead fetus. Chuck Norris shares his birthday with no one.: 5.341
Chuck Norris was the actual cause of death of Fredo Corleone. The Don, Michael Corleone, wanted to show mercy. But Chuck knows you don't ever take sides with anyone against the family.: 2.666
"Chuck Norris has only one method of transportation: death.": 4.152
One night Chuck was taking an extremely painful shit after eating some bad pork lo mein. The result was Jet Li.: 2.8
A dingo didn't eat her baby, Chuck Norris did.: 4.018
Chuck Norris is so tough that he wipes with sand-paper.: 4.953
Chuck Norris could easily solve the problem that is referred to as the Middle East. Its just that an Arab's B.O. is the only thing that can penetrate Chuck Norris' beard. He's waiting till the smell of fear is greater than the smell of armpits and feet.: 3.0
There was going to be a special edition Chuck Norris toliet paper, but Chuck doesn't take crap from anybody.: 6.9
Chuck Norris invented the Total Gym while in search of a way to sculpt his wicked guns and bone chicks at the same time.: 4.771
Pluto was Chuck Norris' 724th kidney stone. His first was the death star.: 3.657
Chuck Norris' real name is actually unknown.  He adopted the name "Chuck Norris" because his actual real name spoken out loud would cause severe bleeding from the ears and your head to explode.: 3.803
Chuck Norris has no pancreas. He instead has a retroperitoneal waffle iron that excretes a pancreatic juice made of liquid vengeance.: 3.117
Chuck Norris can forecast the weather on TV in a lime-green suit.: 4.5
Chuck Norris once went to an all you can eat buffet and now the dinosaurs are all extinct.: 2.982
Chuck Norris' genes aren't DNA. They're barbed wire.: 3.934
Chuck Norris wipes with 40 grit sand paper.: 4.978
When Chuck Norris needs money, he picks up a hooker, all of whom inevitably pay him for his time.: 4.688
Princess Diana did not die in a car crash.  She in fact saw Chuck Norris' penis and exploded in awe.: 3.525
Chuck Norris has won placing bets on the Super Bowl every year for the last 40 years. Not because he successfully picked the winning team each year, but because the bookies are too scared to tell him he was wrong.: 4.677
When "Walker - Texas Ranger" was cancelled, Chuck Norris wanted something for all his fans, so he invented Internet porn.: 4.288
The opposite of peace isn't war; it's Chuck Norris.: 5.454
Chuck Norris invented the cure for polio when he was bored one day.: 2.975
Chuck Norris tries this at home.: 3.783
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is not the heartless killing machine he's made out to be. Twice a week he performs Metallica covers on his one man band stand for dying cancer patients. As a result, cancer has taken a back seat in national death rates to "rocking the fuck out with Chuck Norris.": 5.4
On special occasions Chuck Norris eats the heart of a horse to gain superhuman fly swatting abilities.: 3.4
James Bond may only live twice, but Chuck Norris lives forever: 4.346
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.: 6.181
Chuck Norris' strength comes from the pain and suffering experienced by each and everyone of his victims.: 3.136
Chuck Norris' beard hit .370 in the minors before hurting its knee.: 4.34
Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks are actually 3 mph faster than the speed of light.  Light could go faster, but it knows who the boss is.: 5.857
"Chuck Norris proposed the idea of forming his own NFL expansion team where he would play every position on offense and defense.  The NFL declined after seeing Chuck Norris's summer practices which consisted of nothing but 5 hours straight of round house kicks. They also were turned off by his idea for the team name: The Chuck Norris Chuck Norrises": 4.703
The sound of an F15 fighter jet was taken directly from the sound of Chuck Norris taking a shit.: 4.545
Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.: 5.458
Chuck Norris once snorted cocaine, shot heroin, tripped on acid, smoked weed, and took shots of pure grain alcohol. Nine months later, Michael Jackson was born.: 1.904
Every tunnel ever built was not built with machines, but was built by using what was left after Chuck Norris had sex with the mountain.: 3.48
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.: 6.808
Chuck Norris becomes infuriated when he sees men cry or frown.  Recently, he has been spotted at funerals, roundhousing grieving men in the face until their mouth is fixed in a cold, emotionless position.  Chuck Norris is a real man, and real men do not react to life.: 4.385
In the children's story about the three little pigs. The wolf didn't give up on the brick house. He called upon Chuck Norris to roundhouse kick the brick house down into dust and then ate the three pigs. Later on he ate the wolf.: 3.673
When Chuck Norris was young, he used to hit his father a lot.: 4.741
Nobody has ever heard a woman while she was in bed with Chuck Norris. This is because only dogs can hear the frequencies in which they're screaming.: 6.611
The Great Wall of China was modeled after Chuck Norris' pectoral muscles. This would explain the large amount of dead Asians buried within the wall.: 3.854
Batman collects Chuck Norris action figures.: 5.571
Chuck Norris can cough, sneeze, fart and punch at the same time.: 4.35
The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.: 2.634
Last November, Chuck Norris showed up to vote. Upon learning that his name was not on the ballot, Chuck became enraged. An elderly woman standing nearby informed Chuck that he could not vote for someone who was not on the ballot. Chuck replied "Well, it seems you just cast your vote for a roundhouse kick." Chuck roundhoused the woman,  killing her instantly. No one tells Chuck how to vote.: 4.548
Chuck Norris went on a drug trip with Raffi, which resulted in the lyrics for the song "Banana Phone".: 3.163
If Chuck Norris were to consume 2 gallons of hot sauce his farts could produce enough energy to vaporize the state of Texas and New Mexico.: 4.228
Chuck Norris' arm are holding the entire universe together.: 1.557
When Chuck Norris meets people he does not like, but aren't worth roundhouse kicking, he points to the north while giving them an evil look.  These people are known as Canadians.: 5.76
While viewing "Brokeback Mountain," Chuck Norris was very pissed off at how cowboys were portrayed incorrectly. Not because the cowboys were gay, the cowboys didn't kill at least 10 people.: 6.4
Chuck Norris choked an estimated 400,000 Viet Kong to death in 1985.: 3.23
Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.: 5.433
All men used to be gay. Then Chuck Norris decided that he would give women a shot. The rest is history.: 3.83
The Greek pronunciation of Chuck Norris is Zeus.: 4.14
Chuck Norris likes to tell people they have AIDS.: 4.5
Chuck Norris doesn't need to use toilet paper because shit is too scared to stick to his ass.: 5.186
Chuck Norris doesn't rip apart phone books, he rips apart encyclopedia sets.: 5.487
Chuck Norris' favorite color is cold blood.: 5.51
Chuck Norris can only be killed by silver bullets in the shape of candy canes.: 4.177
Chuck Norris once dug his way to the center of the Earth using only a jar of petroleum jelly and his penis.: 4.146
There are two things on Earth visible from space; The Great Wall of China, and Chuck Norris's testicles.: 4.166
The moment Chuck Norris came out of his mothers' womb he roundhouse kicked the hell out of the nurse, then raped her to death.: 2.466
When Chuck Norris dies, the calendar will change to Jan. 10,000 A.C.N.: 4.564
Some time ago, Nestle asked Chuck Norris to develop a "kick ass" candy bar.  Chuck immediately took a dump in a chair and roundhouse kicked everyone in the room.  Pointing at the peanut laced shit in the chair, Chuck exclaimed, "There's your kick ass candy bar you Vietnam bitches!"  We now know this as a "Baby Ruth".: 2.666
The LA riots where not caused by the Rodney King verdict, they were actually started when Chuck Norris let the "N" word slip after a waiter accidentally put cucumber in his salad.: 2.794
Viagra is made from the sweat of Chuck Norris.: 4.509
Chuck Norris does not move, the earth rotates to where he wants to go.: 4.452
Chuck Norris plays "King of the Hill" on Mt. Everest.: 5.111
Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.: 3.418
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris ate its entire family, killed the farmer who bred it, and sex with the famers' wife all at the same time.: 3.34
Chuck Norris once breast-fed Dolly Parton.: 4.469
Black holes don't bend space-time, they merely reflect the places where Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked space-time.: 2.714
Jean Claude Van Damme is actually Chuck Norris' feces. That's the last time Chuck Norris ate ethnic.: 3.28
Chuck Norris, a priest, and a rabbi walked into a bar. They both got their asses roundhouse kicked.: 3.157
Chuck Norris laughs at retarded people because no one can stop him... he's Chuck Norris.: 4.325
Chuck Norris can send faxes by stroking his beard close to a phone.: 3.642
Chuck Norris can have his cake, and eat it too.: 4.866
"We all know that during World War II, President Roosevelt told United States citizens that \"the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.\" Sadly, most people don't know the rest of that statement: \"Fortunately for us, Chuck Norris IS fear itself, and he is on our side, so we have nothing to fear at all.\"": 4.883
David Blaine's last magic trick was attempting to survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. He has not been seen since.: 5.8
Chuck Norris plays marbles with grenades.: 3.717
Chuck Norris killed Rudolph, Donner, and Blitzen because they didnt join in any reindeer games.: 3.907
When a fire department couldn't put out a house that was on fire, Chuck Norris happened to walk by and promptly whipped out his monstrous penis to extinguish the flames with his urine. He then made love to every fireman's wife and college daughters.: 3.574
There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and fear itself fears Chuck Norris.: 5.96
Once, during a spar, an opponent challenged Chuck Norris to beat him with his bare hands. Because of a miscommunication, Norris left the match and made his way down to the nearest zoo where he preceded to roundhouse kick live grizzly bears to death. It was a mere feat because all animals cower in the presence of Chuck Norris. After relieving the bear carcasses of their paws, Norris made his way back to the spar, where he commenced to beat his opponent to death with his bear hands.: 6.458
Chuck Norris killed Dumbledore.: 4.416
Sega made an arcade game once where you fought Chuck Norris. Every time you put a quarter in, the screen immediately displayed "You Lose". It was Sega's most popular machine ever.: 6.0
Black holes are thought to only mangle the information about objects that are consumed by them. Chuck Norris obliterates all information pertaining to anything that angers him. Chuck Norris 1, black holes 0.: 4.625
Chuck Norris has the ability to morph into many forms. How do you explain all the shark attacks each year?: 1.777
Chuck Norris only sees one color "BLOOD".: 4.84
The day Chuck Norris sleeps with your wife is the happiest day of your life.: 4.72
Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.: 3.981
Chuck Norris can beat the Harlem Globetrotters.: 3.305
A cologne company once tried to make a cologne out of Chuck Norris' sweat. The result was the most powerful acid known to man.: 5.75
Chuck Norris does not flex at 100%, if he did, his muscle mass would become so dense it would create it's own gravitational field similar to that of a black hole... Killing all living things in the universe, except himself.: 5.354
Chuck Norris does not have friends, only potential targets for his roundhouse to the face.: 3.446
Chuck Norris can never be a steroid abuser; no needle can pierce his skin.: 4.075
Chuck Norris once pinned James Bond down with a single finger and forced him to say, "The name's Norris; Chuck Norris.": 3.672
"James Bond will take stirred martini from Chuck Norris. ": 5.31
Chuck Norris believes that a flamethrower is an essential part of a well balanced breakfast.: 4.309
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.: 7.666
You may have given your girlfriend a diamond necklace for Christmas, but Chuck Norris gave her a pearl one last night.: 6.5
Despite his doctor's and family's strong objection, Chuck Norris began drinking gasoline each morning. Much to everyone's surprise, he gets 94 miles per gallon.: 5.836
Chuck Norris' dandruff has been a large part of our society since the 1970's...We know it as cocaine.: 5.466
Chuck Norris has only celebrated April Fools Day once. The result was homosexuals.: 3.863
Chuck Norris cannot make children with a woman because his sperm would instinctively roundhouse kick the eggs and any antibodies, crippling the woman's reproductive and immune systems.: 4.311
In the war on drugs, Chuck Norris killed over 400 drugs with his highly successful Kick Drugs out of America Campaign.: 3.125
Hurricane Katrina was just Chuck Norris sparring with Thor. Chuck won.: 2.808
Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee, who was in turn trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris thus completing the circle.: 3.407
Chuck Norris forces himself to have a heart attact twice a year, so he can keep tricking the world into believing he's actually human.: 4.791
Chuck Norris can make AIDS look cool.: 3.35
When Chuck Norris was fighting Godzilla, he accidentally unzipped his pants and made Godzilla feel small.: 4.2
If Chuck Norris were a flower, it wouldn't fucking matter what kind, he would still get more action than you.: 5.888
Video killed the radio star. Upon hearing this, Chuck Norris killed Video.: 5.274
CNN has been bought out to create the "Chuck Norris Network". The first show is titled Roundhouse, and features Bob Saget and the Olsen twins being ravaged by vicious roundhouse kicks to the face.: 5.5
Chuck Norris raped Drew Barrymore. Nothing else happened, he just raped her.: 3.275
Chuck Norris once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.: 4.136
One time Chuck Norris was having a date in the middle of a prehistoric jungle, a dinosaur ate his date. The resulting roundhouse kick was so powerful, he made the dinosaurs become extinct. Chuck Norris then covered this up and claimed it to be a meteor, just to get PETA off his back.: 3.6
Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful soliude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.: 4.0
Haley's comet only passes the Earth once every 76 years because that's how often Chuck Norris lets it.: 5.694
The lead role for The Pacifier was chosen all depending on a game of Counter-Strike between Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. Vin Diesel won the game, but only because he was camping. In an angered state of rage, Chuck Norris notified God and got Vin Diesel banned from Earth. That took him down a peg.: 3.566
Chuck Norris was sitting on a bench in the mall when a little girl walked by and asked her mom if she could sit on Santa's lap. He proceded to roundhouse kick the little girl and her mom in the face and cancelled Christmas.: 3.95
The Leaning Tower of Pisa was the result of a light Chuck Norris roundhouse kick that actually took place in Poland.: 4.087
Chuck Norris once purchased a necklace that contained a single grain of rice with his name written on it. Unfortunately for him, he didn't notice the man who made it wrote "Chuck Morris" on it until he got home. When he went back to complain the man was gone. Since that day, he's spent almost every waking hour in search of the man. When he finds him, he will kill him.: 3.469
Chuck Norris doesn't wear pants or shoes.  He was born with denim-coated legs and feet made of fine leather.: 5.31
Chuck Norris can catch the Gingerbread Man.: 4.739
Chuck keeps tryin' to donate sperm, but the receptionist keeps getting pregnant.: 6.395
The most sold item on Ebay this past Christmas was the "Get Out of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse for Free" Card.: 5.781
Chuck Norris divides by zero.: 4.882
Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.: 7.428
Chuck Norris bemoans the fact the typical American is unaware that Walker Texas Ranger is an unscripted reality show.: 5.545
Chuck Norris underwent Kemo Therapy and didnt lose any of his hair. When the doctor asked how this could be true, Chuck stared at him until he disintegrated.: 3.318
Chuck Norris can not only pull off the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique with only four fingers, he can also juggle a panda bear and a keg of grape juice while doing it.: 3.577
"Artificial insemination was invented when, during an intense and vigorous masturbation session, Chuck Norris' high velocity ejaculate penetrated a woman's vagina from a quarter of a mile away.  ": 4.326
Chuck decided to take a day off once, so he created the koala to keep things in check while he was away. Hence the koala is the most viscious and dangerous creature in existence. Do not let the cuddly outside fool you.: 3.512
The reason there has been so many different Batman's is because Chuck Norris kept killing them off.: 5.354
Chuck Norris never has to wait in line at the DMV.: 4.413
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so fast that they actually grew younger.: 3.439
Chuck Norris was once in a car accident leaving him paralyzed from the waist down. While in a wheelchair,he roundhouse kicked Christopher Reeves in the face and said, "Who's super now?": 3.482
Just to prove how bad he was, Chuck Norris crucified himself, forced himself to die (because only Chuck Norris can kill Chuck Norris), kicked Satan in the gonads, and rose five minutes later.  Now he roundhouse kicks anyone that doesn't call his birthday Chuckmas.: 4.086
The original script for the movie Zoolander had Chuck Norris playing the role of Derek Zoolander.  When filming the "Magnum" scene, the look that Norris gave exploded the hearts of all humans in attendance. Owen Wilson was the only survivor. That's why his nose is so screwed up.: 4.145
After a night of heavy drinking, Chuck Norris took a piss in a back alley. Inadvertently, his urine hit a sleeping bum, who immediately died of alcohol poisoning. Chuck didn't even get a hangover.: 5.068
Around the year 1956 in Texas, Chuck Norris ate so much steak that it immediately caused world hunger. He then staged a great cattle drive across the nation in order to supply the Texas steakhouse with enough beef for his next meal.: 2.473
There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.: 6.211
Chuck Norris was in "Barbie Horse Adventures" on the PC. After they shot the end FMV, he ate all the horses and directors and put a "Hot-Coffee" mini-game in.: 2.689
Rather than "good intentions," Chuck Norris paved the road to Hell with the mangled corpses of the Viet Cong.: 5.727
There is a line of fine print in the declaration of independence that reads, "All men are created equal with one exception. Chuck Norris is equal to 350,000 men." Thomas Jefferson had no choice but to add this line when Chuck Norris single-handedly and accidentally won the American Revolution while doing light calisthenics. He then ripped out Jefferson's throat for not writing it earlier, and replaced all the signatures on the declaration with his own.: 4.725
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.: 7.402
Chuck Norris' DNA is 90 percent denim.: 6.074
Chuck Norris can do two cock-pushups.: 3.962
If someone asks you a question, the correct answer is always Chuck Norris.: 3.352
When Chuck Norris masturbates he only thinks about one person, Chuck Norris.: 4.5
In high school, Chuck Norris had a reputation. He once used an M-60 heavy-fire machine gun on a bully. 26 innocent deaths was a small price to pay for vigilante justice.: 4.243
"Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Down Sindrome out of a 13 year old boy. ": 6.272
The Ice Age is contributed to Chuck Norris, that was the date of his last erection which blocked the sun's rays for 47 years.: 2.48
Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat bolted to a jackhammer.: 3.522
Chuck Norris built MacGyver out of a B-cup bra, a mint flavored toothpick and an empty Skittles pack.: 5.847
If you drop a phonograph needle on Chuck Norris' nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds.: 4.268
Chuck Norris has never tried. He does.: 6.333
Chuck Norris once stubbed his toe in California. The result was the formation of the San Andreas fault.: 3.875
Chuck Norris feels no attraction to men or women, only to hyper intelligent shades of blue.: 3.409
When boiled in hot water, the hair from Chuck Norris's beard turns into crack cocaine.: 4.07
The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.: 3.073
Chuck Norris has flown tons of food and medical supplies into New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Chuck Norris has never piloted an aircraft.: 2.644
The film Delta Force was not fiction, but actually a home movie of Chuck Norris' summer vacation.: 5.769
After watching the Karate Kid, Chuck Norris challenged Mr. Miyagi to a Fight 'Til The Death. When Miyagi declined because "karate is not used to harm others," Chuck gave him a roundhouse kick to the temple, smashed the picture of his dead wife to prove a point and replied, "It is now, bitch.": 4.245
Chuck Norris saved 100% when he switched to Geico.: 4.596
Chuck Norris once tried to play baseball. When it was his turn to hit, he left the bat behind and decided he would roundhouse kick it. The pitcher threw the fastest pitch he could, but the ball blew up half way to the plate out of fear.: 5.181
The Texas Rangers offered to add "Walker" to the team name if Chuck Norris would play centerfield.: 3.565
When Chuck Norris wants your opinion he'll give it to you.: 5.25
Mothers warn their kids not to play with themselves by telling them that Chuck Norris will grow on their palms and roundhouse kick their balls off.: 3.905
God = Chuck Norris is now a mathmatical constant.: 3.272
Chuck Norris can bowl using only his small intestine.: 2.058
If "roundhouse kick" was a trademarked term by Chuck Norris, this website would be well fucked and far from home.: 5.661
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is the stork that delivers babies. But, not in the way that he is a bird, but in the way that he is your father. Take that as you may.: 5.651
M&M's are too afraid to melt in Chuck Norris' mouth.: 3.923
Chuck Norris can satisfy a whale.: 3.896
Contrary to popular belief, The atomic bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima were actually orgasms of Japanese prostitutes, compliments of Chuck Norris.: 4.945
In the film, Dodgeball, there's a scene that was cut from the movie where Chuck Norris jumps from the stands, tears off Vince Vaughn's head, and uses it as a dodgeball to beat Ben Stiller for the win.: 2.839
While on the set of Dodgeball, Chuck Norris called out William Shatner for having a hair piece. All Shatner could do was nod his head and say, "Yes sir Mr. Norris.": 4.035
The original title of the Bible was "Chuck Norris and Friends.": 4.719
Anything you can do Chuck Norris can do better.: 4.583
The average life expectancy for a paratrooper in Vietnam was 17 seconds. The average life expectancy after calling Chuck Norris "Chucky" to his face is -7 seconds.: 4.666
Chuck Norris does not think there is more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculosly, good looking.: 3.739
Chuck Norris does not obey the Law of Conservation of Energy, choosing instead to obey the Law of Distribution of Pain.: 5.107
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with broken glass.: 4.62
God is just filling in until Chuck Norris gets tired of kicking ass on earth.: 4.725
Chuck Norris doesn't drink Red Bull, Chuck Norris drinks the red blood of bulls.: 4.818
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.: 4.8
Someone once tried to assassinate Chuck Norris's beard but missed hitting Chuck in the face, Chuck proceeded to beat the holy hell out of the guy using nothing but his penis and elbow, Chuck has since installed security on his beard, with a deflector diverting bullets to his face, since he values his beard more than even his rugged good looks.: 2.229
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.: 7.42
If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tatoo of an identical beard underneath.: 4.957
Ron Jeremy decided to grow his mustache and get into porn after seeing Chuck Norris beat a women to death with his penis.: 3.96
Contrary to popular belief, there was never an atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima. The blast was actually the result of Chuck Norris being told that fortune cookies are Chinese, not Japanese.: 4.612
When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.: 6.104
Chuck Norris invented the Internet; not Al Gore. In fact, he got a roundhouse kick in the testicles for saying that he did.: 3.342
When Chuck Norris shits, it causes mud slides in Mexico.: 4.066
Everyone knows Santa doesn't exist. What everyone doesn't know is that Santa did at one point exist until the day he put Chuck Norris on the naughty list.: 4.452
Chuck Norris is what Willis is talkin' 'bout.: 3.773
The ringtone on Chuck Norris's cell phone is a recording of people that he has killed pleading for their lives.: 4.811
Chuck Norris' family crest is a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.: 2.745
Stephen Hawking found out the hard way not to fuck with Chuck Norris.: 5.04
Chuck Norris declared war on the color orange. And won.: 4.0
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.: 2.2
The producers of the movie Anaconda almost saved tons of money by using Chuck Norris' penis as the Anaconda, rather than a computer animated one.  They turned it down because they claimed "Anacondas can never grow to be that big, not even in Hollywood.": 4.661
Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth. He points his fist at his mouth and the plaque jumps out.: 4.153
If you cannot concentrate, it is because Chuck Norris is remotely controlling your brain to power his Total Gym.: 2.904
Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.: 6.226
Chuck Norris has a 6th, and probably a 7th sense.: 6.075
Chuck Norris coined the term "the birds and the bees" when he made every bird and every bee fornicate each other by a simple yawn.: 3.304
Chuck Norris' foreskin is was used as the infield tarp at Yankee Standium.: 3.018
As the initial choice for the role of Jesus in the movie, "The Passion of the Christ", Chuck Norris decided that the torture would use real props and the crucifixion would be real to "capture the moment".  Mel Gibson was forced to recast the role after repeated attempts to kill Chuck Norris on the cross failed.: 5.322
Chuck Norris once crossed a baby seal lying on the ground injured. He then proceeded to make a delicious sandwich.: 4.431
Chuck Norris is slated to speak at his own eulogy.: 3.8
Chuck Norris can breathe underwater. He has never chosen to do so however, because he refues to get his jeans wet.: 5.923
The bodies of people kicked by Chuck Norris are always found a few inches wider. By combining this fact with the Einstein's theory of relativity, we can tell that for a few seconds that kick almost made them reach the speed of light.: 3.733
The "Mythbusters" once tested to see if Chuck Norris' beard was actaully indestructable. The only thing busted that day were the mythbuster's heads after repeated roundhouse kicks.: 4.386
The nuclear explosion at the end of "Predator" is not special effects. It is stock footage of Chuck Norris farting during a nature hike in the rainforest after eating a bad burritto.: 3.609
Chuck Norris once overdrew his checking account, the result was the great depression.: 3.571
Chuck Norris can survive fatalities on Mortal Kombat.: 5.387
One time a guy mistakenly thought Chuck Norris was Burt Reynolds.  Needless to say, that guy got the role of "the Piggy" in Deliverance.: 2.156
Chuck Norris created six extra letters of the alphabet that no one but Chuck Norris know about: 3.08
Godzilla is based on a true story about when Chuck Norris was filming a movie in Japan and found out that all they had to eat was rice.: 5.222
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.: 4.674
Chuck Norris made killing cool. Before everybody was like, "Killing? Yeah right!" But now everybody is like, "Sweet.": 4.395
The reason the oceans are salty is because Chuck Norris masturbated in it once, in 1968.: 4.896
Chuck Norris doesn't use toilets. His colon actually compresses his waste to the point of nuclear fusion. The resulting energy is converted into electricity which powers Las Vegas.: 4.791
Chuck Norris once appeared on an episode of "Leave It To Beaver". It was the last episode, in which he played a psychotic chainsaw wielding Chippendale dancer. He totally boned June Cleaver.: 3.119
Eye contact with Chuck Norris, unless explicitly addressed by him, will result in getting your ass literally handed to you.: 6.152
Chuck Norris once killed a man by simply showing him how to love.: 4.173
Chuck Norris actually invented peanut butter, but while in transit to the patent office, George Washington Carver knocked him unconscious with the aid of chloroform and stole his patent. For revenge, Chuck Norris threw 7 freight trains on top of George Washington Carver. He died from this.: 2.264
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.: 7.017
Ever since Chuck Norris was born, evolution has been going in reverse.: 3.236
Chuck Norris can penetrate a female from up to a mile away, not psychokinetically, he just has a very large cock.: 2.978
"Chuck Norris choked the writer of 'Sidekicks' to death.  ": 3.239
Jesus was in fact the second coming of Chuck Norris.: 3.2
Many people say that Chuck Norris eats babies. This is not true. Babies just want to be in Chuck Norris' stomach.: 5.531
Chuck Norris, Pope John Paul II, and Santa Claus walked into a bar. Only Chuck Norris left the bar.: 4.689
All stunts attempted on the NBC show "Fear Factor" were taken from real life incidents during Chuck Norris' 3rd grade summer vacation.: 4.93
The US security level has dropped only once in the last 5 years. That was the day Chuck Norris took a day trip to Mexico: 5.9
A mighty crack was heard around the world as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the supercontinent, Pangaea, beginning continental drift.: 4.976
Someone once approached Chuck Norris suggesting that rearranging the letters in his name reveals the message "I churn corks".  He then brutally murdered them saying "They knew too much".: 4.826
Defying the greatest physicists of the time, Chuck Norris proved that the Earth is not the center of the Universe, but that in fact he is. To avoid suspicion, Chuck Norris now resides in the center of the Sun.: 3.619
When Chuck Norris want to eat, caring mothers offer their children as sacrafices to him in the hopes that he will make them another.: 3.928
Chuck Norris' evil twin was known as Stalin. When confronted by his less communist twin, Stalin became angry and attempted to lead his troops to slaughter Chuck Norris. The fall of communism soon resulted.: 1.888
Chuck Norris once met a man who cried because he had no shoes after which he ripped the man's feet off and said, "Bare feet don't sound so bad now does it pussy?": 4.921
The only thing more dangerous than shark wrestling or mooning in a gay bar is shaking Chuck Norris' hand.: 5.45
Chuck Norris once drank so much beer, all of the breweries of the world ran out. And then he started on wine...: 1.86
Women never say no to Chuck Norris. Even if they don't want to, they know its eventually gonna happen.: 7.02
Chuck Norris use to be a regular guest on Sesame Street, until Snuffleupagus accidentally ate his sandwich. Many muppets died that day.: 4.076
If you say "candyman" 5 times in the mirror, Chuck Norris will suddenly appear. No one is more terrifying than Chuck Norris.: 3.868
Chuck Norris' sweat makes up most known steroids.: 2.523
Chuck Norris will rip his usb drive out of the port without clicking 'Safely Remove Hardware.' He says that such precautions aren't manly.: 3.958
Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.: 3.666
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.: 6.689
Chuck Norris realized that Vin Diesel and Mr. T have an approximate total of 1,977 more facts than him on www.4q.cc. Chuck Norris then proceeded to take a shit on the entire universe.: 3.419
Chuck Norris' pubic hair is twice as thick as his beard... but not nearly as deadly.: 4.022
Chuck Norris' blood is 50% arsenic. The other half is the cure for AIDS.: 4.06
When Chuck Norris farts, it smells like freshly baked cinnamon rolls.: 2.535
Chuck Norris once wanted to see what he would look like without a beard. He then split himself into two Chucks. He shaved the new Chuck Norris and called it Vin Diesel.: 2.818
The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a carnival eating babies.: 3.0
"Chuck Norris' alarm clock plays Billy Joel's \"We Didn't Start the Fire\" every morning at 7 am. Its not because he likes the song. It infuriates him, because Chuck Norris does indeed know that they started that fire, and they will pay.  ": 5.526
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.: 4.123
Chuck Norris's sputum was used to create Michael Dudikoff.: 2.25
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' 'bout.: 5.142
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.: 6.955
Chuck Norris once took over a small town in Guam, thus naming himself King Norris. His only law was that if someone looked at him the wrong way there would be a public execution. The offender would then have the choice of execution, either a kick to the head, or a blow from the fist to the neck. The town lasted three days.: 3.723
"Chuck Norris has sold one clone of himself to each country in Europe, just in case the Germans ever decide to get crazy again. ": 4.142
The last thing anyone remembers about Chuck Norris is a roundhouse kick to the face.: 3.743
Chuck Norris once wrestled a bear, an alligator, and a mountain lion all at once. He won by tying them together with an anaconda.: 4.678
Chuck Norris single handedly ended World War II with two Roundhouse Kicks. You might know them as Atomic Bombs.: 3.385
Chuck Norris once gave blood. It became the most powerful anabolic steriod known to man.: 4.23
Contrary to popular belief, the Department of Homeland Security is composed entirely of Chuck Norris. There has not been a single terrorist attack on US soil since the creation of DHS.: 4.592
Death, Carnage, Mayhem, Destruction, and Babe Ruth all want to be Chuck Norris when they grow up.: 3.894
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.: 5.779
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.: 5.6
Chuck Norris once won a drag race on foot.: 3.659
Chuck Norris pissed on R. Kelly: 4.291
Chuck Norris' penis has its own zip code. At Christmas time, it gets more mail than Santa Claus.: 5.35
Noah's Ark never happened. Chuck Norris actually saved all the animals by telling them to climb into his beard.: 1.891
A vampire tried to bite Chuck Norris and chipped a tooth. A werewolf tried to bite Chuck Norris and choked to death on Norris' skin cells flaking off. Needless to say, Norris has never lost any blood, ever.: 3.046
Chuck Norris can shit bricks of gold or small children of any race.: 4.181
"World War I was often referred to as the \"Great War\". This term was actually paraphrased from Chuck Norris' reference to it as being a \"Top-Notch Freakin Awesome War\". ": 3.4
Fear of fatal roundhouse kicks is the only reason The Rolling Stones have not retired. Chuck Norris denies all involvement.: 4.372
Once at a dinner party, Chuck Norris sneezed and accidentally gave birth to a colt.: 3.519
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.: 5.884
Chuck Norris can count to infinity.: 3.617
Chuck Norris would hit that.: 2.571
If Chuck Norris' kick doesn't knock a man down, the man will die standing on his feet.: 4.195
"Chuck Norris once went in for a physical, and during the examination, the doctor weighed him and found that he weighed a whopping 650 pounds. Shocked at how heavy Norris was, even with how much muscle he has, the doctor asked why he weighed so much. Having been met with this inquiry many times in his life Norris simply pointed at his crotch and said, â\x80\x9CMy penis.â\x80\x9D": 2.092
Chuck Norris once ate all the potatoes in Ireland, causing the potato famine.: 2.84
If you stare directly at the sun, it merely burns your retinas. If you stare directly at Chuck Norris, you die.: 5.156
A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.: 3.422
Chuck Norris is available for weddings and honeymoons. But only if he gets to fuck the bride.: 3.843
The Eiffel tower still stands now in Paris only because Chuck has never been to Paris to roundhouse kick it down.  He said he'd put up with it still standing as long as he didn't have to go to France, ever.: 4.37
Chuck Norris recently saw the movie "Brokeback Mountain". The movie wasn't the part that pissed him off, it was that they didn't sell babies at the concession stand.: 6.0
If you paint one painting, you're not a painter. But Chuck Norris baked one cake, and he currently holds the record for "World's Best Baker".: 3.313
Chuck Norris' penis has a toe nail.: 3.061
The atomic bomb that hit Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris's most severe and deadly martial arts move. That day he promised to never again do that move. A few days later it was confirmed Chuck Norris occasionally lies.: 5.584
Chuck Norris does not bleed red, because red is the color of communism.: 5.203
Chuck Norris once hit a baseball so hard that it traveled around the world five times and landed in the pitcher's glove. When the umpire called Chuck Norris out, he roundhouse kicked the umpire in the face, as well as a small child in the crowd just for fun.: 4.209
Some people believe UFOs fly around so erratically because they are trying to impress us. However, they are just trying to get away from Chuck Norris. The crash of 1947 showed the aliens that Earth would not be so easy to subdue.: 2.564
Chuck Norris has killed more men than death.: 3.68
Chuck Norris makes his beard use the Total Gym. They have both had sex with Christie Brinkley.: 4.393
Chuck Norris once pissed on Judge Judy's leg and told her it was raining. Unfortunately, she could not do anything about it because as soon as his urine touched her, she became impregnated with 40 children and exploded.: 3.84
Scientology is Chuck Norris' first sucessful get-rich-quick scheme.: 2.823
"One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. ": 5.62
Chuck Norris doesn't have to kill you today. Chuck Norris is patient.: 4.403
"Chuck Norris used to work for Kelloggs. He shredded wheat. ": 3.866
Chuck Norris is the reason emo kids look so upset.: 5.357
Chuck Norris hit puberty during the second trimester.: 4.676
Chuck Norris didn't start the fire, but now he kind of wishes he had.: 4.372
Chuck Norris coined the term "69" when he made a girl orgasm 69 times by rubbing his beard against her buttcheek.: 5.312
"Steven Segal is Chuck Norrisâ\x80\x99 bitch.  When Chuck Norris is hungry, he says, \"Bitch, make me a sandwich.\" Steven Segal would then make a sandwich. ": 2.4
Chuck Norris beat Pac-Man in both senses of the word.: 3.38
A statistician followed Chuck Norris around the nation for one year and found that 89 percent of deaths caused by Chuck occur between the hours of 4 and 5 PM. This phenomenon is known by all as "Happy Hour".: 5.636
Since Chuck Norris' birth in 1958 round house kick related deaths have risen by 4 hundred million percent.: 4.312
They say the rain is God's tears, after Chuck Norris is done with him.: 3.981
Earthquakes occur when Chuck Norris goes a day without pulling any pussy.: 1.964
Chuck Norris can't beat him self in chess.: 2.238
Chuck Norris always keeps a Werther's Original in his jean pocket... For the kids.: 3.66
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones just to prove that he is the only true Texas ranger.: 4.24
The Vietnam memorial is not a list of people who died in Vietnam, but actually a list of people who died over a fourth of July holiday when someone drank Chuck Norris' Tequila.: 3.113
Chuck Norris was once watching the movie "Bambi" with his five year old son.  When the lovable Bambi was shot, his son began to cry.  Chuck stood up, and in a fit of rage yelled, "Chuck Norris doesn't raise pussies.  Do I have to round house kick you back into your mother's womb?"  After his son shook his head, Chuck sat back down on the couch.  Just when everything seemed calm, he executed one of his infamous no look punches on his son and then yelled, "Sneak attack, bitch.": 4.339
If you have a nightmare about Chuck Norris, you will wake up in a cold sweat with a bootprint on your face.: 4.648
Napoleon had a Chuck Norris Complex.: 3.795
Chuck Norris always knows where and in what time period Carmen Sandiego is.: 3.66
The last time Chuck Norris played Monopoly, he went home with the deed to his mother's house in his sock.: 4.241
The only person that can kill Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. He is waiting until he runs out of other people to kill.: 3.179
The R.E.M. song "Everybody Hurts" was inspired by an incident back in '86 when Chuck Norris ordered an unsweetened tea, and was told they didn't serve unsweetened tea at that particular restaurant. They do now.: 4.981
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.: 4.369
The sun rise in the east and set in the west because Chuck Norris likes it that way.: 4.392
Chuck Norris kicked in the closet door and beat the shit out of R. Kelly.: 3.975
Chuck Norris doesnt use shaving cream and he never cuts himself. Ever.: 4.394
Chuck Norris' beard is the only man made object that can be seen from space.: 4.339
If you have an argument with Chuck Norris it won't last long. Not because Chuck Norris has a sense forgiveness, and understanding, but because you don't with your brain kicked in.: 2.0
When Chuck Norris bleeds, oak trees sprout up from where the blood fell.: 2.693
"Chuck Norris once ate a van-load full of 13th degree black belts and shat out Steven Seagal. ": 2.769
After giving birth to Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris' mother cooked and ate her placenta. Soon thereafter, she was able to shatter cinder blocks with her tits.: 5.381
Chuck Norris disguised himself as a snake and fed Eve the apple in the garden of Eden so there would be evil in the world that he could fight.: 4.229
One year Chuck Norris impersonated Santa. He would come down the chimney and proceeded to give roundhouse kicks to the face of boys and girls who were awake in a hope to see Santa for real.: 3.931
Chuck Norris quickly realized he hated hockey after attending one NHL game. The Winnipeg Jets and Hartford Whalers are still missing to this day.: 2.69
Chuck Norris once defeated a laser beam in the 100 meter dash.: 4.148
Chuck Norris is currently suing the band Earth, Wind and Fire, claiming that he is all three combined.: 4.148
When Chuck Norris was denied a McGriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, He roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.: 5.2
Chuck Norris does not open doors for his date.  He roundhouse kicks them down.  Her, too.: 3.53
The Pope preys to Chuck Norris: 2.12
"Chuck Norris thinks Curt Schilling is a pussy and should shut his mouth about his bloody sock. Says Norris in next week's SI: \"I once took out a whole gang of bank robbers with two bloody ankles, but since I wear cowboy boots, nobody saw them.\" Making a big mistake, Tom Verducci yawned during the interview, and was immediately roundhouse kicked in the face.": 2.565
"Chuck Norris has two emotions: Anger and Rage.": 5.708
Chuck Norris invented the spork. He then killed Colonel Sanders with it.: 3.151
Chuck Norris was told by Dr. Phil once that he had anger management issues. Chuck Norris then proceded to uppercut Dr. Phil in the nards.: 3.611
In the 70's it was thought that Chuck Norris wouldn't fight a woman.  This gave David Bowie the loophole he needed to escape a roundhouse kick.  When Chuck found out about this he parked his Dodge Ram on top of David.  When he came out of his coma, he wrote the song "Under Pressure".: 4.151
The Tooth Fairy is actually a government commissioned agent assigned to collect teeth to be donated to worldwide victims of Chuck Norris facial strikes.: 2.977
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks are legendary and mysterious. Legendary for obvious reasons, the "CNRHK" is  mysterious because nobody has even seen one and lived to tell the story.: 3.583
Because of his love for the environment, Chuck Norris doesn't run his vehicles on fossil fuels, but instead heats live cats to 600 degrees Fahrenheit, then uses the remains as a potent bio-fuel. Norris claims he averages 40 miles to a cat.: 5.131
In a recent television interview with Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris responded to every one of the interviewer's questions by pointing to his belt buckle which read "NOT MY PROBLEM". after about 5 minutes of this, Chuck Norris said, "Interview over," and roundhoused the reporter. Witnessing this, the cameraman screamed, "You killed him!" Chuck Norris pointed at his belt buckle and flew away.: 3.224
Once, Chuck Norris sneezed in the direction of a wind generator farm, providing California with 100 years of electricity.: 5.85
"Einstein actually had a theory explaining how the roundhouse kick of Chuck Norris broke all laws of physics. He died on the day of the planned release. ": 3.607
When God sneezes, his pal Jesus quickly replies with, "Chuck Norris bless you.": 5.568
Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.: 6.152
Chuck Norris' beard has natives.: 5.333
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.: 3.928
Chuck Norris goes SCUBA diving with a Ziploc bag and a bendy straw.: 4.926
"\"Grand Theft Auto: Norris City\" is so gruesome that Chuck Norris is the only person legally allowed to play it.": 4.439
Chuck Norris didn't like William Hung because he couldn't sing. He didn't like him because he was asian.: 3.545
Crazy people have UFO sightings. Sane aliens have Chuck Norris sightings.: 4.473
Contrary to popular opinion, Rocky beat Drago in Rocky IV because Chuck Norris interfered and delivered a roundhouse kick to Drago's face when no one was looking.: 2.413
Chuck Norris had sex with a bear... from the INSIDE.: 3.702
Chuck Norris does not recognize Albany as the capital of New York: 3.277
Chuck Norris once called a news conference to announce his retirement. He then said, "Pysch!" and killed twelve reporters.: 4.428
Chuck Norris lives by the motto, "A roundhouse a day, keeps the doctor away." This is unfortunate for Chuck Norris' closest friends and family, most of whom are either dead or dieing.: 3.235
Chuck Norris invented time zones in order to more efficiently schedule world wide ass kickings.: 4.607
From the beginning of time, every man who has born has also died. Chuck Norris has born, but has never died. Never.: 1.833
When asked by a reporter what his only weakness was Chuck Norris replied, "I sometimes love too much." He then ripped out the reporters spine and beat him to death with it.: 5.562
"Eventhough Chuck Norris was born after Einstein, he is the inspiration for Einstein's life work and greatest achievement; The Theory of Relativity. Explanation: It is widely known in the scientific community that Chuck Norris is \"Relatively awesome\".": 2.512
The two 'atomic bombs' dropped on Japan in World War Two were actually two small parts of Chuck Norris' left testicle, which he graciously donated to defeat Hitler and the Axis powers in 1943. Since then he has regenerated said testicle, and in the process made Tim McGraw a bigger douche.: 3.442
When the MythBusters fail to prove a myth true, they call in Chuck Norris.: 2.4
Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.: 5.714
Chuck Norris uses his forehead as a flyswatter... and he has never missed.: 5.548
Gravity only exists because Chuck Norris allows it to.: 4.382
If it's "a penny for your thoughts" and everyone is "putting in their two cents", who gets the extra penny?  Chuck Norris, of course.: 4.64
Never ask Chuck Norris to play a game of "Sorry!"  It will only end in tears.  Yours.: 4.441
Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.: 7.044
Chuck Norris represents the east side, but had the west coast rappers under his control the entire time.: 3.595
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris: 7.605
Chuck Norris' favourite colour is pain.: 5.69
Chuck Norris loves the smell of naplam in the morning.: 3.254
Chuck Norris invented feminists just so he could give them roundhouse kicks to the face.: 4.288
A midget, a rabbi, and a horse all walk into a bar. Ah, fuck it. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all their asses.: 3.637
Chuck Norris weighs as much as a thousand suns. Normally, the laws of physics would cause him to collapse in on himself, but the laws of physiscs are afraid of being roundhouse kicked into another dimension.: 5.955
Chuck Norris has only ever given one thumbs down. It happened in ancient Rome during a Gladiator match. Caesar refused to make decisions without first consulting Chuck Norris. He gave the thumbs down because this particular Gladiator is the only person ever to survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the jugular. Unfortunately, Caesar didn't see his sign because of all the Romans standing and cheering and in a moment of panic, Caesar decided to allow the Gladiator to live. Rome fell the next day.: 3.52
"When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. ": 7.582
When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people, they do not die of blunt trauma or tissue damage.  They simple lose their will to live.: 5.071
The Earth spins because Chuck Norris walks on it. The force from his footsteps are enough to rotate the Earth on its axis.: 2.56
Chuck Norris' favorite food is pain.: 4.85
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with Laffy Taffy.: 6.909
If Chuck Norris could be any type of tree, he would be titanium: 4.692
They once held a season of the television show "Suvivor" at Chuck Norris' ranch. Sadly enough, nobody survived that season.: 5.466
The Trail of Tears is actually just a nickname for the sidewalk from Chuck Norris's front door to the street down which many disappointed women have trodden the morning after a one night stand.: 2.0
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.: 4.679
Ford, realizing their mistake, recently changed their slogan to, "Built Chuck Norris tough".: 4.283
When Chuck Norris senses any danger to his penis, he transforms into a fire truck.: 2.325
Chuck Norris has tasted death, but he says he likes the taste of the holy ghost better.: 2.48
When you walk outside and aren't eaten by dinosaurs, you can thank Chuck Norris for killing them.: 4.52
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to roundhouse ability.: 3.891
Chuck Norris spends all of his time on this site searching through the facts so he can find the ones he submitted and give them perfect 10 ratings.: 3.631
Chuck Norris once owned and operated a line of Sex-shops, but decided it would be funnier if he sold it to a kid's entertainment corporation. This chain still retains its original name, "Chuck E. Cheese's".: 3.347
The city of Atlantis was lost after Chuck Norris developed ADD and become bored holding it up.: 1.804
The last person who said "no" to Chuck Norris is now a corpse.: 1.771
Chuck Norris created an ultra-violent hybrid of golf, bowling and lawn-mowing using the head of a roundhouse kick victim. The world would come to know a wussed-down version as dodgeball.: 2.846
Chuck Norris told the kid from the "Sixth Sense" that he has AIDS.: 3.098
The reason that they say the south is full of incest is because everyone is related to Chuck Norris.: 3.407
Chuck Norris nipples can cause severe tire damage.: 4.333
Chuck Norris wipes his ass with steel wool after taking a shit.: 4.593
If you don't know who your father is, he's probably Chuck Norris.: 5.563
Chuck Norris has to use the "withdrawal" method of birth control, not to avoid pregnancy, but because his load is so powerful is always kills the woman.: 3.52
Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.: 4.872
Chuck Norris finished his career with a .967 batting average, 1,828 home runs, and 10,073 RBI's. He accomplished this feat by hitting the ball solely with a roundhouse kick.: 3.166
Chuck Norris once won the gold, silver, and bronze medal at a single Olympic event.: 3.711
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.: 4.574
Chuck Norris created John Mayer so that everyone would always have someone to make fun of.: 3.705
Whenever Chuck Norris takes a dump in a public restroom he purposely hangs his butt over the side of the toilet bowl and does his duty all over the floor. He secretly hopes a korean janitor will have to clean it.: 1.666
Chuck Norris once received a spam e-mail that was supposedly from a fifteen year old girl who had a brain tumor from repeated beatings. In the name of science, the Norris went forth and beat ninety four teenage girls to death and had the local hospital do scans. No tumors.: 1.924
A train engineer once stopped to ask Chuck where the roundhouse was.  He died in .4 seconds.: 4.548
The hit television show "Lost" takes place in Chuck Norris' back yard.: 4.604
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.: 5.173
If Buddha was to be reincarnated, he'd become Chuck Norris.: 4.242
Chuck Norris's daily protein shake includes grizzly semen for overall strength, walrus urine to enhance the mind, and an entire squirrel just because Chuck Norris finds it amusing to liquify squirrels in a blender.: 8.0
Chuck Norris can win a soccer game with only using his hands.: 4.406
Chuck Norris plays hacky-sack with bowling balls.: 4.894
The most popular search on the Internet is "Paris Hilton Nude", but Paris Hilton's most popular search on the Internet is "Chuck Norris Nude".: 5.04
"A Gallup poll revealed that the main, overwhelming fear of 93% of married men is that Chuck Norris will sleep with their wives, thereby making it impossible for them to ever satisfy their spouses again. A recent study indicates that Chuck Norris has, in fact, slept with 97% of those wives. When asked about the other 3%, Chuck Norris said, \"Chuck Norris is not a greedy God. He is a merciful God.\" ": 1.769
Chuck Norris' left testicle was declared The Milky Way's tenth planet in 1978. His right testicle remains the Duke of The Thirteenth Republic of South Greenwich.: 4.728
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle has been made certain by Chuck Norris.: 5.386
Chuck Norris is the Gandhi of violence.: 5.962
Chuck Norris can tame lions by nestling them with his beard.: 3.208
Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.: 7.183
In Monopoly, Chuck Norris' game piece is a small, pewter, Chuck Norris. He proclaims, "Thimbles are for queers!": 4.228
The role of Willy Wonka in the remake of 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' was originally offered to Chuck Norris. However, he backed out of the project after the producers rejected his idea of a final fight scene with Charlie in which most of the cast dies.: 5.702
Chuck Norris personally approved this fact.: 3.882
Chuck Norris is so fast, he once ripped a man's beating heart out of his chest, showed it to him, sliced it in two with a ridiculous karate chop, put it in a pot with some nice onions and celery, cooked it, ate it, shit it out, and took the whole shitty mess filled with bits of beating heart and veggies, and shoved it back into the still standing man. The dude died, but man, that was cool.: 4.0
"Chuck Norris once vacationed in a whaleâ\x80\x99s gut for 3 months just to call Jonah a bitch.": 3.428
One day, Chuck Norris ate 48 pounds of medical waste. You cannot question his reasons, for he is Chuck Norris. He proceeded to shit out New Jersey 8 hours later.: 4.475
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.: 4.672
One day Chuck Norris brought his famous, extremely spicy salsa dip to a party. Many people then asked for the recipie. It included his semen and several dead children.: 3.13
Chuck Norris doesn't trust anything he can't kill. Because of this, Chuck Norris trusts everyone but ghosts, but hes working on a way to roundhouse kick them to death too.: 4.519
The Civil War ended when Chuck Norris said "stop.": 5.392
Chuck Norris doesn't bleed. The red is a warning sign.: 4.714
When Medusa looked at Chuck Norris, he looked back at her right in the eye.  Chuck Norris walked away, Medusa wasn't so lucky.: 3.219
"It is widely known that Houdini died when a kid punched him in the stomach. What isn't widely known is that kid was Chuck Norris. ": 6.318
Chuck Norris's favorite food is baby soul.: 4.105
Chuck Norris is not a vegetarian. He knows that extended periods of vegetarianism only lead to a multitude of small vaginas growing on your skin until you eventually become a giant pussy.: 3.239
Chuck Norris opened Pandora's Box, looked at its contents, and then closed it.: 6.311
After starting a club in his own honor Chuck Norris soon disbanded them after learning that he is the only person that can successfully defuse a bomb, shoot three men, and get a woman pregnant at the same time.: 4.489
When he was a baby, Chuck Norris dropped his mother on her head. She never refused her breast milk to him again.: 4.53
Kevin Sorbo once passed Chuck Norris in the park and said, "Hey, nice beard" sarcastically. Chuck Norris became angry, and roundhouse kicked Sorbo in the face. Astonishingly, Sorbo got back up after such a mighty blow. This further angered Chuck Norris to the point where he ripped out Sorbo's jaw, sodomized him with an ice cream cone, and ate his flesh in front of many children. This event has been commemorated with a limited-edition dinner plate and later became the basis for the television show "Grace Under Fire".: 3.45
Chuck Norris has had anal sex with your girlfriend.: 2.632
The novel "Why Peter Pan Hates Mexicans" is based on the childhood of Chuck Norris.: 2.45
Chuck Norris has a lever next to his desk which, when pulled, plays a random Conan O'Brian clip.: 3.781
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.: 6.235
Mammoths frozen in the arctic wastes weren't trapped under the ice by accident. They were trying to get away from Chuck Norris.: 4.083
Chuck Norris helps the environment by using public transportation. What Chuck saves in gas, he makes up for in causing death.: 3.08
Chuck Norris can make a leopard change its spots.: 4.575
Chuck Norris got a letter in the mail one day from his "biggest fan" asking for his autograph. This happened to be a woman. Chuck Norris went to her house, fucked her, and then he round house kicked her to the face. Surprisingly, as she died, she gave birth to Vin Diesel.: 3.41
Fear was a word created to describe Chuck Norris.: 3.866
Chuck Norris burned the first CD, along with all the dinosaurs and the last of the Mohicans.: 2.153
In 1996, Chuck Norris entered a game show where members of the public tested their abilities against an elite team of superhero characters. Unfortunately, the show was abrutly cancelled after Chuck Norris won the show's final and most grueling event called "The Eliminator".  The show was called "American Gladiators". There were no survivors.: 2.804
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.: 4.066
To Chuck Norris, doorknobs and urination are seen as merely suggestions.: 3.792
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.: 6.295
Chuck Norris smells like fresh cut grass: 2.666
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris.": 4.909
Chuck Norris thinks that cards are impersonal. To add his own brand of originality, he painstakingly makes a message out of tiny razors which he then attaches to his foot. When the lucky birthday boy/girl sees Chuck, he roundhouse kicks them in the stomach and delivers his well wishes in a present that will stay for life.: 3.096
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris was going to fucking kill it.: 4.863
Since 1960, 80% of Top 40 radio songs have been written about Chuck Norris.  During the same period 100% of Top 40 radio songs have been written by Chuck Norris.: 2.56
The only person to have ever survived one of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks was bound to a wheel chair, we all know him as Christopher Reeves. The shock killed him several years later.: 3.4
Chuck Norris didn't vote for Pedro.  He deported him.  And by deported Chuck means he roundhouse kicked him back to Mexico.: 5.321
When Chuck Norris says the roof is on fire, the roof IS on fire.: 3.481
Everyone uses Google to find out facts about anything and everything. Google uses Chuck Norris.: 5.145
Chuck Norris is a strong proponent for the advancement in science.  That is why Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the down's syndrome out of a retarded kid.  That kid is now known as Stephen Hawking.: 5.612
Chuck Norris can live without sex for 10 minutes.: 3.173
Chuck Norris never makes grammatical or spelling errors. He just invents new words and grammatical rules.: 4.239
When Chuck Norris' head hurts, he hurts it back.: 3.653
Chuck Norris does not know what Willis is "talkin' bout". He does however know how much he wants to roundhouse Gary Colmen in the face.: 5.842
Chuck Norris speaks in 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound.: 5.875
The only reason why Chuck Norris grows a beard is because he is trying to compete with Bruce Campbell's chin, which can break diamonds.: 2.58
O.J Simpson didn't do it. Chuck Norris did.: 4.0
"Chuck Norris smokes buffalo shit because he's too tough to get a buzz from crystal meth, which was his favorite drug of choice in pre-school. ": 2.084
Chuck Norris likes Pina Coladas, but fucking hates getting caught in the rain.: 4.333
Cats are actually given 10 lives. Upset by this, Chuck Norris vowed no animal will have 10 lives and to this day roundhouse kicks every kitten upon birth, leaving them with only 9 lives.: 5.142
Chuck Norris is no longer a noun, it is a verb.: 4.84
Chuck Norris lifts weights three times a week with Jesus and Mr. Clean.: 4.125
Chuck Norris is so cool that the Pope has a Jesus fish on his car with the word "Norris" inside.: 3.637
Chuck Norris was asked to read for the part of William Wallace in Braveheart but when it came time for Chuck to scream freedom before he died he screamed "Don't Fuck with Chuck!" then proceeded to kill everyone in the casting room except Mel Gibson.: 6.24
The pinball wizard is deaf, dumb and blind because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of him.: 2.518
When Chuck Norris takes a shit the land is destroyed by nuclear fall-out.: 1.956
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.": 6.857
Coincidence that Viagra and the hole on the ozone both appeared around the same time? Ask Chuck Norris.: 3.425
If there was such thing as a Chuck Norris doll you can be certain Pinocchio would stop his fucking lying.: 3.825
When Chuck Norris clicks on the "Win a FREE iPod!" ads, Chuck Norris wins.: 4.615
The US Government offered Chuck Norris 20 billion dollars to capture Osama Bin Laden but he declined due to the "lack of compounds filled with ninjas".: 5.137
Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people.: 5.454
In response to his challenge, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked MC Hammer so hard that he went bankrupt. Chuch Norris then bellowed, "I can touch this," while he pelvic thrusted in Hammer's general direction.: 4.625
Chuck Norris thinks trucker hats are for douche bags... and truckers.: 2.35
Chuck Norris invented Jolt Cola after an extremely pleasuring experience with a one-eyed hooker with the same name in an attempt to recreate his orgasm in liquid form.: 2.214
Chuck Norris is the only known human that can perform photosynthesis. However, he refuses to do so because, "Converting light energy into nutrients for pussies.": 3.68
If you disagree with Chuck Norris, he'll karate chop you in to a bajillion pieces.  He is aware that this is not a number, but if you call him on it, he'll roundhouse kick you in to a quabillion.: 4.791
When Chuck Norris enters a night club, he instantly becomes the life of the party. An instant is roughly how long it takes Chuck Norris to kill a room full of people.: 6.666
For his Total Gym informercials, they use a body double for Chuck Norris. Not because he isn't jacked, but because to see his actual body without a shirt would cause every man in America to kill themselves in shame.: 2.788
"Kryptonite only makes Chuck Norris stronger. This fact led to the now famous incident when he called Superman a \"Pussy\". ": 3.976
Chuck Norris does not know how to swim. He once said to the water, "Get the fuck out of my way!", but it didn't move, so he roundhouse-kicked it in the face, thus causing the South-Asian Tsunami. A similar incident involving Chuck and a megaphone caused Hurricane Katrina.: 3.038
Chuck Norris doesn't like your attitude, and there's nothing you can do about it.: 4.219
"America didn't win the American Revolution. Chuck Norris beat the British by himself. Drunk. ": 5.307
"\"Roundhouse Kick\" is the currency Chuck Norris use when he needs to buy shit.": 4.307
Chuck Norris won the brick yard four hundred without a car.: 4.24
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.: 6.015
President Bush fails to understand that Chuck Norris would've invaded Iraq long ago if it were a just war.: 2.5
Scientists have attempted to calculate the statistical possibilty of anyone beating Chuck Norris. The sheer impossibility of this task has caused many of the scientists to develop symptoms of severe foot-shaped bruising to the face.: 4.508
Chuck Norris is his nightmare's worse nightmare.: 5.162
Normal children went to a party and played Pin the Tail on the Donkey. When Chuck Norris was a kid, he played Pin the Tail on the Saber tooth Tiger... except he used a real saber tooth tiger. Chuck Norris is better than normal.: 3.868
Chuck Norris doesn't shit, he excretes mini anti-aircraft missiles.: 3.224
Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised.: 4.362
Chuck Norris' facial hair housed 144 hurricane evacuees. It is not as much as the Astrodome but it has its own strip mall, police station, and dojo to practice kickboxing.: 4.944
Chuck Norris was offered the role of Michael Knight in 80's TV Show Knight Rider, He turned it down however because he thought Kit was a dick.: 3.413
Razor companies keep making shavers with more blades in the hope that Chuck Norris will stop eating them.: 3.833
"Chuck Norris was curious to see if the Statue of Liberty was shaved. He found that there was only one other thing thicker than his beard. So in anger he roundhouse kicked the Statue of liberty in the clit. By doing this he gave her such a huge orgasm that the rumble caused Mt. St. Helens to erupt, thus proving the female orgasm is NOT a myth. Thank you Dr. Norris.  ": 3.327
Chuck Norris creates global warming everytime he works out.: 4.702
The Titanic did not actually hit an iceberg...Chuck Norris was swimming laps between New York and London.: 5.741
The Association of American Undertakers voted to make Chuck Norris their honorary President after he personally increased their buisness by 300%.: 4.547
All the Delta Force movies are in fact Chuck Norris' real life home videos.: 4.95
Top scientists have just discovered what lies beyond our universe, and that is Chuck Norris. Amazingly enough, Chuck Norris has also been found to be the exact center of the universe.: 3.142
If Chuck Norris misses his flight, he makes damn sure other people miss theirs too.: 6.25
When Chuck Norris visited the Vatican, he took the Pope's confession.: 5.433
You remember when you were playing the game Oregon Trail and you came accross the Snake River that was 2 foot deep, you decide to cross it and you lose 3 wagon wheels, one child and your wife was diagnosed with Parvo and they blamed it on Wagon Robbing Indians? Yeah that was Chuck Norris, he fucking robbed you, drowned your child with numchucks and gave your wife herpes. Chuck Norris Owns you.: 3.642
Remember the huge pile of crap in Jurassic Park?  It was actually left by Chuck Norris, who was on the set visiting some friends.: 4.813
Chuck Norris' penis is considered a weapon of mass destrution.: 4.274
Chuck Norris plays laser tag with rifles.: 4.868
If an asteroid were going to hit earth, Chuck Norris would let it. He would be the only surviving human, and he would make love to all the cockroaches and make a master species.: 2.333
Chuck Norris remembers the Alamo, and he isn't happy about it.: 5.333
On the 7th day, God wasn't resting; he was hiding from Chuck Norris.: 4.975
Chuck Norris once fought Paul Bunyan after Paul said this his beard was the greatest.  Chuck proceded to roundhouse kick him in the throat and eat Babe the blue ox... alive.: 4.395
Whenever Chuck Norris makes a joke, the sound of an audience laughing comes out of nowhere. Chuck will then turn to you, smile, and give you two thumbs up. After that, everything freezes, even you are unable to move. The laughter then turns into music as credits begin to scroll down from thin air. Finally, your sight fades to black and there is nothing. When you regain your sight and mobility, Chuck Norris is nowhere to be found.: 5.4
Chuck Norris is so good he'll shit your pants for you.: 3.04
If by some small chance that the woman that Chuck Norris had sex with did not die, because they all do, she would continue having children non stop for the next 13 years: 2.936
"Chuck Norris hates Romanians. His official reason: \"They're fucking Romanians.\" Needless to say, this resulted in the Vietnam War and the invention of the space shuttle.": 1.792
"Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. ": 7.722
Chuck Norris would attempt other martial arts feats outside of a roundhouse, but after contemplating the thought, he came to the realization that it would be too powerful. Using his degree in quantum physics, he came to the assumption that it would destroy the fabric of time if he tried to expand his repetoire... unraveling the fabric of the universe and killing God.: 2.019
Chuck Norris doesn't need a bat to play baseball. He takes a viagra and is good for 9 innings.: 3.823
The last person to challenge Chuck Norris to a hand-to-hand combat later became to founder of War-Amps.: 2.541
Chuck Norris knows when you are sleeping, he knows when your awake, he knows if you've been bad or good and if you aren't watching Walker Texas Ranger right this goddamned second you'll find out what the true meaning of "holiday spirit" is real quick.: 4.38
Chuck Norris was once fined $1,000 for drawing Native American war symbols in invisible ink on the canvases of the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Impressionist wing.: 1.9
Chuck Norris' advice? Grow a beard.: 2.163
Chuck Norris promised a Gypsy that he would eat San Francisco when Duke Nukem Forever is released. That's why it has been pushed back so many times.: 2.641
Chuck Norris never have to manually flush a toilet. He simply points at the content in the toilet bowl, snap his fingers, and the contents of the toilet disappear.: 2.5
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".: 5.982
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.: 6.137
Chuck Norris in Latin means "Death by roudhouse-kick": 5.677
Chuck Norris invented guns, because the world was growing more populous and he realized that he couldn't be there to roundhouse kick every douchebag every time.: 5.2
Every story from every film Chuck Norris has been in has actually happened to him at some point in his life. The people he kills on screen really die.: 2.877
Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas: 6.813
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with an AK-47 and won.: 5.952
Everyone respects Chuck Norris so much, that when they fight him, they politely wait in turn for him to beat them up.: 3.173
Chuck Norris' beard isn't hair. It is actually solidified testosterone.: 4.921
Chuck Norris can fly, he just doesn't want to.: 4.733
Chuck Norris was once called a bull in a china shop, so he ate the bull and blew up the china shop with his immense laughter. He then ate the man who insulted him.: 2.636
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.: 5.029
Athletes are great. Chuck Norris is great. Therefore all athletes are Chuck Norris.: 3.96
Chuck Norris said, "Toy boat," until everybody else's tongue got twisted.: 2.111
People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.: 6.384
Chuck Norris bleeds gasoline. He hasn't bled much lately, and that's why there's a gas crisis.: 3.224
Antibodies are not the cure for polio, doctors actually inject paients with Chuck Norris' sperm to roundhouse kick the disease.: 3.717
Vin Diesel and Mr. T walked into a bar. Chuck Norris ducked.: 4.851
"When on vacation in December of '04 Chuck Norris was stung by a jelly fish. Delirious with rage at the unadulterated insolence, he roundhouse kicked the ocean into submission. The result nearly wiped out a generation of Thais.   ": 3.684
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.: 5.566
Chuck Norris framed OJ.: 4.55
You give a man a fish, he eats for a day.  You teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.  If you ever, ever try to teach Chuck Norris about fishing then he will use your testicles as bait.: 5.836
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip.: 5.8
Chuck Norris only uses emergency exits because when you are Chuck Norris, everything is an emergency.: 6.36
Chuck Norris is the only man to never use an eraser.: 3.285
Chuck Norris once was approached by a man who said, "Hello, I'm John Joeseph Jonny Jr." Realizing that this was an awesomely toungue tying name, he proceeded to give Mr. Jonny a roundhouse kick to the face and stated, "Shut up. I'm Chuck Norris.": 3.694
Chuck Norris owns an Xbox and every game ever made for xbox and while hes not killing people he plays. He has beat every game. Twice: 1.033
When Michael Jackson was trying to leave the Jackson 5, he told Chuck Norris that he "needed a change". In an unfortunate misunderstanding, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the black out him.: 6.078
Oil prices only go up when Chuck Norris is thirsty.: 5.53
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".: 5.49
Sally sells sea shells down by the sea shore. At least she used to. She tried overcharging Chuck Norris. She is now in the witness protection program.: 6.131
When Chuck Norris looks at Medusa, she turns to stone.: 5.725
Chuck Norris requires no stunt double, however his beard has stood in for the actor that played Chewbacca on many occasions.: 5.196
When Chuck Norris faces North, baby seals club themselves.: 3.214
Once while watching an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, a young woman remarked, "that's not acting, that's just talking". Immediately Chuck Norris jumped out of the TV screen and roundhouse kicked her to death. Chuck then said, "It's acting if Chuck Norris says it's acting".: 4.591
Although scientists have been trying to reproduce the reaction for years, the only verifyable way which Cold Fusion can be achieved is when Chuck Norris kicks two atoms.: 4.0
If the cliche "You are what you eat" is true, then Chuck Norris is a bitchinbitchin' combination of monster truck tires, Godzilla, and magma from the earth's most active volcanoes.: 3.271
Chuck Norris only allows Jackie Chan to live because he likes Chris Tucker movies.: 4.04
Chuck Norris doesn't fart, he roundhouse kicks little children in the face.: 2.342
If Chuck Norris drank a beer bong, he would drink the beer and drink the bong.: 1.368
Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.: 4.948
"The hairs on Chuck Norris' chest have been scientifically shown to be as dense as steel cables. He has to pick bones out of them daily: the human kind.": 2.448
When Chuck Norris flexes, woman become immaculately pregnant.: 3.583
Chuck Norris hates cripples.: 2.616
Contrary to popular science theories, the earth actually revolves around Chuck Norris.: 3.941
Chuck Norris doesn't change the channels on his T.V. He flexes at the T.V. until it does what he wants.: 4.614
When Chuck Norris grew tired of masturbation, he removed his own rib and woman was created.: 3.326
Chuck Norris once noticed that each women orgasms at a specific frequency. After 10 minutes of practice, he preformed the first ever orgasm orchestra for the largest crowd in music histroy. Unfortunately, the sight of Chuck Norris having sex caused every audience member to also orgasm, ruining his masterpiece.: 4.313
Chuck Norris wears only rabid wolverines for underwear.: 4.254
Chuck Norris entered an arm wrestling tournament. After killing dozens of contenders, he was matched up against himself and subsequently ripped himself in half.: 3.586
Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a badass hood ornament for his monster truck.: 3.789
The ex-porn star Savannah tried to deep throat Chuck Norris.  Savannah is now dead.: 4.653
Chuck Norris once had a bad case of diarhea. The result, Boston, Massachusetts.: 4.345
Chuck Norris loves children. He says they go great with ketchup.: 5.451
The bible refers to the Holy Trinity. Christianity wants you to believe it is the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. However the true Holy trinity is Chuck Norris' beard, his left leg, and his right leg.: 3.947
An apple a day does not keep Chuck Norris away. Only sacrificing your first born child keeps Chuck Norris away... sometimes.: 4.521
Chuck Norris does not query the existence of God. God wonders if Chuck Norris is human, because he sure as hell never created him.: 4.428
As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash.  He retired later that day.: 6.656
Chuck Norris has never given anyone the finger. However, it is believed that the event could flatten landscape within a 30 mile radius.: 4.333
Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.: 4.901
Chuck Norris takes cold showers, but still manages to steam up the mirror.: 5.638
Chuck Norris says that he "blacked out". When he awoke, women were naked, necks were broken, and a goat was wearing a t-shirt that read "Team Delta Force".: 4.16
Chuck Norris can count cards at poker.: 4.235
Chuck Norris was the first person to climb Mount Everest. Naked.: 6.074
Once, Chuck Norris sneezed so hard that he created the leap year.: 3.927
Due to the tenacity of his saliva, it only takes Chuck Norris 1/2 a lick to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.: 4.743
"From the IMDB trivia: [Reader's Digest once noted a story of how Norris, true to his characters, prefers to find a non-violent way to solve a situation. Norris was in a bar once when a customer walked in and said to him, \"You're in my seat. Move.\" Norris complied, and as the customer sat down, he recognized Norris. He then said, \"Chuck, you could've kicked my butt if you wanted to. Instead of moving, why didn't you just attack me?\" Norris' response: \"What would that have accomplished?\" Norris later said the experience resulted in him getting a new admirer and a new friend.]. See? This is a perfect example of Chuck's ability to lure targets towards him by making them believe he is a nice guy.": 2.214
The last time Chuck Norris forgot to pull out during sex, he blew out the back of his girlfriend's head.: 5.283
Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.: 7.097
In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.: 6.914
Chuck Norris doesn't tea-bag, he potato-sacks.: 7.19
When Chuck Norris wants to get drunk he mixes 2kg of pure Heroine with 4L of straight Whiskey. The actual drink has little to no effect on him but he acts drunk to seem cooler to his friends.: 4.487
Contrary to popular belief, it was Chuck Norris, not Angelina Jolie, that broke up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.: 3.271
Chuck Norris is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.: 3.106
One time after Chuck Norris stubbed his toe, he killed everyone in Ohio.: 5.396
Chuck Norris invented video game violence for the sole reason of pissing off Democrats.: 4.185
"The Bible says Samson killed 15,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. When God asked Chuck Norris what he thought about that, he said, \"That's one way to do it.\" God laughed at Chuck's wisdom, and said, \"I knew you were going to say that.\"      ": 5.836
Chuck Norris' first girlfriend died from exaustion. As did his second, and any girl up until now. In fact, the only thing more deadly than pissing off Chuck Norris is having sex with him. Despite this fact, Chuck Norris deflowers, and therefore terminates, an average of 498 virgins a day.: 2.19
"One of Chuck Norris's favorite movies is Titanic. When he saw it in the theater, he laughed heartily for the entire 3 hours, and continued laughing for 45 minutes after the credits rolled. ": 5.225
Chuck Norris once had a passionate affair with a turtle. The result was four sons named Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo, and Raphael. Historians later invented some story about ooze and a talking rat because they felt it would be more believable.: 4.1
Chuck Norris went to Mexico just to prove that he could drink the water and not get sick. The resulting urine is now known as Tequila. The Mexicans then began to water the urine down in order to preserve as much as possible. They market the result as Corona.: 3.512
Under Armour is made from Chuck Norris' dead skin cells.: 3.125
Santa Claus brings presents to good little girls and boys, and Chuck Norris to bad little girls and boys.: 5.448
When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real bunnies.: 5.666
5 years ago Chuck Norris ate Kiefer Sutherland and shit out Jack Bauer. FOX still owes Chuck a beer.: 3.884
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.: 6.789
When Chuck Norris has the munchies, entire farming communities go out of business.: 2.6
Chuck Norris can get soup from the soup nazi on the first try.: 6.104
Chuck Norris found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq by looking in a mirror.: 5.117
Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.: 7.0
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is, but he won't tell because he doesn't want anyone to find the body.: 5.734
When Chuck Norris masturbates, his penis sounds like a cougar.: 6.055
Chuck Norris makes beef jerky by roundhouse kicking cows so hard that moisture leaves their body.: 4.91
Chuck Norris' penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it around his left leg so that it doesn't get in the way of his round-house kick.: 3.392
Wolverine from the X-men is based entirely on Chuck Norris and was originally called "Chuck Norris" instead. When Chuck Norris threatened to sue for the use of his likeness, they cut  off his beard, gave him a queer hair cut, and called him Wolverine. This allowed them to keep the parts that are true, like the ability to heal, the claws, and the adamantium skeleton.: 4.351
The tide rises when Chuck Norris tells it to.: 5.75
The commercial says that after taking Viagra, if you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, you should see a doctor. Chuck Norris was too embarassed to go to the doctor, so he instead roundhouse kicked his own penis off and it became what is now known as Pikes Peak.: 2.98
The drummer of Def Leppard only has one arm because Chuck Norris did not eat the other one too.: 2.94
Chuck Norris can play the solo from "Stairway to Heaven" using only pubic trimmings and a glockenspiel.: 3.557
Contrary to popular belief, Anne Frank was in fact hiding from Chuck Norris because she was unable to pay the last installment for his creative writing class.: 6.173
Fearing Chuck Norris to the point to shaking is an actual disease. Michael J. Fox is a sufferer. It is called Parkinson's Disease because calling it Norris' Disease would cause a worldwide pandemic.: 3.942
Chuck Norris paints his house red by throwing new born babies against the walls.: 3.303
Chuck Norris has a third testicle. He cut it off himself, shaved it, and threw it into the ocean. It's now commonly known as the continant of Australia.: 3.893
Chuck Norris doesn't use weapons because Chuck Norris is the ultimate weapon.: 3.481
"Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris. ": 3.021
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about rising gas prices. That is because Chuck doesn't use conventional fuel. He simply ejaculates into his gas tank and his car runs perfect for three months of continuous use.: 3.625
When a butterfly flaps its wings in Japan there is a hurricane in North America. When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks in North America every living inhabitant on Mars blinks out of existence.: 4.758
The original title for Walker, Texas Ranger was "Watch Chuck Kick Butt." The ACLU protested saying that people without butts found the title offensive, and hence, the name was changed.: 2.2
Chuck Norris' money shot can actually be counted in $10s and $20s.: 3.434
Chuck Norris' sweat repels mosquitoes and other irritating insects, such as William Shatner.: 6.102
Chuck Norris was once told that his show "Walker Texas Ranger" was for rednecks. He simply looked at the man stroked his beard and the man's children have been born with mullets ever since. The man is said to have committed suicide.: 4.08
Chuck Norris' beard has a representative in Congress.: 4.044
Chuck Norris' beard is wanted in seven states for murder.: 4.92
Chuck Norris holds the Guinness World Record for punching babies.: 2.729
Chuck Norris does not see dead people. He eats them.: 3.837
Chuck Norris performs back alley abortions with his beard.: 3.054
Plate Tectonics is a myth. Everything that Chuck Norris hits with a roundhouse kick breaks into seven pieces.: 3.974
If Chuck Norris ever actually submitted a fact on this site it would be the last thing you ever read, because it would literally come through the screen and snap your neck.: 5.34
Chuck Norris' Wikipedia entry has been completely fabricated by the Catholic Church.: 4.923
In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.: 6.312
Chuck Norris can charge a cellular phone just by rubbing it against his beard.: 5.051
"Chuck Norris only wears pants, because if he wore shorts his 32 inch penis would drag across the floor. ": 3.578
The world was flat until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it, which made it curl up into a ball. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks tend to do that.: 3.819
Though too dangerous to harness, a Chuck Norris roundhouse generates enough energy to power the entire eastern seaboard for almost 18 hours.: 3.704
"\"Walker, Texas Ranger\" does not have slow motion. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks are just so fast they slow down time.": 5.436
Chuck Norris put Baby in a corner right before delivering a roundhouse kick to Patrick Swayze's face.: 3.634
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.: 6.446
Everytime a waitress doesn't return with your food ontime, its because Chuck Norris is secretly having sex with her -- and all of the other waitresses -- in a back room. That's also why the food tastes extra good when it finally arrives.: 5.428
Chuck Norris doesn't lie. He bends the truth with his massive biceps and roundhouse kicks anyone who dares to question it.: 6.02
"Chuck Norris actually submits 90% of the facts on this site. He feels it important to be honest with his fans. ": 6.347
Chuck Norris won a staring contest with Medusa.: 4.469
Chuck Norris was originally casted as Tony Montana in the movie Scarface. When Chuck first said the line, "Fuck you meng," the director immidiately pissed his pants. He was then greeted with a roundhouse kick to the orbital bone and Chuck Norris was thrown off the set.: 3.125
"Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a helpless baby in the head, but unfortunatly it magically backfired, nearly killing him. Years later, a woman named J.K. Rowling heard of this story and turned it into the sucessful Harry Potter series. Last week, Chuck Norris shot her in the vagina and ate her children. He also found that baby, and threw it off a cliff. ": 3.734
Each individual hair in Chuck Norrises beard spends 2 hours a week using a Bowflex.: 4.5
Chuck Norris' jeans took 17 years of specialist design by NASA in order to create a fabric strong enough with withstand the G forces generated by his roundhouse kicks.: 4.595
Mr. T may pity the fool, but Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.: 3.205
The shadow from Chuck Norris' mustache can accurately predict the length of winter to within 4 seconds. The groundhog has been rendered obsolete.: 4.025
Chuck Norris' beard trimmings are a source of 7 essential nutrients.: 4.127
Roughly a quarter of all these Chuck Norris facts were submitted by Vin Diesel, who is unaware that the Vin Diesel fact generator even exists.: 4.538
During the 15th century Chuck Norris became tired of sailors complaining about falling off the edge of the Earth. Chuck Norris then round housed the Earth and made it round. He then created scientology so that one day he could have a reason to hate Tom Cruise.: 3.52
Chuck Norris once donated blood. Turns out he has type X blood type and ended up killing half of Asia and a horse.: 4.441
Johnny Cash once shot a man in Reno just to see him die. Chuck Norris once nuked the city of Reno just to toast his Pop-Tart.: 4.962
Chuck Norris solved the Bermuda Triangle by using the Pythagorean Theorem.: 5.02
It is said that Chuck Norris' fists have the ability to turn Rosie O'Donnel momentarily straight.: 3.666
If Chuck Norris looks you in the eye, you will explode.: 3.052
Chuck Norris put Humpty Dumpty back together again just so he could break him.: 5.406
If Chuck Norris snorts cocaine, the cocaine gets excited.: 4.24
Chuck Norris was intended to play Luke in Star Wars, but Chuck decided that Luke was too much of a bitch.: 3.906
The only reason World War II occured was because Chuck Norris was taking a nap.: 3.0
Chuck Norris is the reason the devil went down to Georgia and not Texas.: 4.148
Chuck Norris could stop racism if he wanted to.: 2.151
Chuck Norris was once clean shaven and Vin Diesel used to have a full head of hair. Then the two crossed paths.: 3.303
The most difficult fight of Chuck Norris' storied career pitted his left testicle against a buffalo in a cage match. Chuck was born right-testicled, but he spent countless hours training to make himself ambitesticled so as not to have a weakness in battle. Despite that, the toughest part of the match was that the rules stipulated that Chuck was not allowed to actually enter the cage. Chuck was forced to stand outside and push his testicle through the bars. 14 hours into the fight, Chuck's testicle landed a roundhouse kick that put the buffalo into a coma. Chuck vowed then and there never to fight with his testicle again.: 3.723
In Vulcan, the same word is used for both "Awesome" and "Chuck Norris".: 3.4
Chuck Norris eats live barracudas.: 2.431
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.: 5.0
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking.": 5.098
If Chuck Norris were stretched out to one molecule thickness, he would encircle the universe thirteen times.: 3.509
Chuck Norris is both the cause of, and cure for cancer.: 3.295
Chuck Norris sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake. He knows when you've been bad or good, so be good or be prepared to have your face demolished by a roundhouse kick.: 3.666
Neither Firestone tires nor the Ford Explorer can be blamed for the deaths of hundreds of people. Chuck Norris has a casual distaste for small SUV's.: 3.229
Tornados are not caused by sudden changes in weather, but rather, a sudden roundhouse by Chuck Norris.: 3.867
The Bob Dylan song "Everything Is Broken" was inspired by an encounter the artist had with Chuck Norris.: 3.653
Chuck Norris specializes in building working nuclear reactors out of wood.: 3.196
Muhammad Ali does not have Parkinson's. He simply shivers in the fear the Chuck Norris will kill him.: 5.539
Captain Planet doesn't enjoy having a mullet, it's just that Chuck Norris has threatened to kill him should he ever try to change his hair style.: 4.189
When Chuck Norris plays "Guess Who", he doesn't ask any questions. He stares at his game board until all the pieces flip down in fright, except for one. And that one, without fail, is the person you chose.: 3.392
Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.: 6.453
Chuck Norris only has sex with AIDS-infected hookers to, "Put the sport back into it.": 4.266
Where the Grand Canyon lies today was where Chuck Norris first attempted a roundhouse kick.: 3.437
"\"Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?\"  Not Chuck Norris, that's for damn sure.": 5.727
The "S" on Superman's suit was woven out of chest hair taken from Chuck Norris as he lay unconscious from an intense Total Gym workout session. This is the true source of Superman's powers.: 3.608
"There has just been a news broadcast: Chuck Norris has swam to New Orleans to save as many souls as he can. Except for 80 % of the people there which were black. Chuck is a furious racist.": 2.067
It is rumored that Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it is eastern time at his balls, and pacific time at the tip. This has never been proven because even the slighest glance of Norris' genitals causes normal humans to combust.: 3.017
Chuck Norris can hear dog whistles. He can also bend them with his mind.: 4.162
A single drop of Chuck Norris's blood could cure every disease. However, man has not discoverd a needle sharp enough to puncture his skin.: 4.136
When Santa was faced with the daunting task of delivering presents around the world, he asked Chuck Norris if he could help. Chuck Norris responded by plucking one hair from his beard and gave it to Santa. Santa, hoping the beard would give him unparalleled speed and martial arts quickness, promptly inserted the beard into his own. Much to Santa's dismay, this caused Santa's beard to turn against him and it began roundhouse kicking him until his cheeks were permanently rosy. When Santa confronted Chuck Norris of this disaster, Chuck Norris merely laughed and roundhouse kicked Santa back to the North Pole. To this day, Chuck Norris is eternally on the "naughty" list.: 5.023
The Hemi engine was designed to mimic Chuck Norris's penis.: 3.325
Chuck Norris can do 0 to 60 in 4 seconds on a ladies' bicycle without pedalling.: 4.346
Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.: 6.788
Chuck Norris eats babies and shits Delta Force team members.: 4.135
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.: 6.802
Steven Seagal was once compared to Chuck Norris as a joke. Chuck Norris wasn't laughing.: 5.361
Chuck Norris' body produces methamphetamine instead of adrenalin.: 3.574
Chuck Norris can turn coal into diamonds just by staring at it.: 5.347
Michael Jackson didn't have facial reconstructive surgery. Chuck Norris kicked him in the face for making crappy music.: 3.622
Chuck Norris tears can be collected, but you have to milk his eyes like the fangs of a cobra. Only one person has tried, and his name was Christopher Reeve.: 6.372
"\"Treat people how they treat you.\" Its a shame that we can't roundhouse like Chuck Norris.": 2.6
Chuck Norris once won a bet against Lays by eating just one. Since the Lays executives had not defined the stakes of the bet, Chuck took their lives as his reward.: 4.333
Catholics believe that when the Pope speaks, he speaks the Word of God. This is because the Pope is friends with Chuck Norris, and God doesn't fuck with Chuck Norris.: 3.488
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.: 6.242
At the age of 20, Chuck Norris wrote The Great American Novel but never published it. Instead he kidnapped Ernest Hemingway, hog tied him, and made him eat every page to prove that Hemingway was a pussy.: 5.4
Chuck Norris is illegal in 48 states.: 5.297
Chuck Norris can squeeze the sweat out of a rock.: 4.777
"Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.  ": 7.552
Chuck Norris invented margarine by singlehandedly spitting and ejaculating at the same time. Popular imitations are secretly known as "I Can't Beleive It's Not Chuck Norris".: 1.905
The big bad wolf did not blow down the house of straw and sticks, they merely fell down in fear as Chuck Norris walked by: 3.156
When Chuck Norris is feeling bored, he shreds on the guitar. When Chuck Norris is feeling happy, he shreds people.: 4.857
Chuck Norris was on a season of Survivor once, but the entire season got cut after Chuck Norris murdered everyone on the island for eating his Cheetos.: 5.375
Contrary to popular belief the continents did not drift apart over millions of years but in a single day when Chuck Norris was walking across Pangaea and mentioned that he wanted to swim, right here, and right now.: 5.491
Many children enjoy games like jump rope, tiddlywinks, and marbles. As a child, Chuck Norris enjoyed killing people with jump rope, tiddlywinks, and marbles.: 5.321
Everything Chuck Norris touches does not turn to gold; instead it grows a beard.: 5.689
Chuck Norris wipes before he shits.: 3.754
Chuck Norris once saw the ring. When he realized that it took that girl 7 days to kill her victims, he found the girl, beat the shit out of her and said that he could kill them in a day.: 4.189
In WWII, Einstien and his colleague Chuck Norris were called upon to develop a weapon capable of mass destruction. They created two. One was the atom bomb. The other, the roundhouse kick. Sending Chuck Norris in to roundhouse kick everyone was much more enviromentally friendly, but in the end the government decided to use the atom bomb. When asked why, an official was quoted saying, "Our goal is to hurt Japan, not decimate it." Hearing this comment, Chuck Norris proceeded to call the official a "pussy", and roundhouse kicked him into a new millenium. This official is known as Al Gore.: 3.977
Chuck Norris buys priceless artifacts and destroys them, because the two things Chuck Norris hates are beauty and history.: 4.148
Chuck Norris always gets a second helping of peanuts on an airplane. Always.: 2.541
If Chuck Norris was an animal, he would be a Chuck Norris.: 4.377
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his grandmother in the mouth on Christmas morning. Socks again.: 3.282
In his spare time, Chuck Norris breeds thoroughbred horses by manually inseminating the females with his own semen.: 4.571
Many believe that Michael Jackson is the common molester. However Michael Jackson did not molest Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris molested Michael Jackson: 2.071
"There are two kinds of men in the world: Men who have had sex with Chuck Norris and men who want to have sex with Chuck Norris.": 3.0
Chuck Norris has a new show coming out called "Chuck Norris' Believe it or Else...". The whole premise is that Chuck goes around and tells people outrageous lies and if they call him on it he kills them.: 5.152
Soon after birth, Chuck Norris' mother requested that he be circumcised. He then round house kicked her in the face and fled, dragging his dead mother behind him by her embilical cord.: 3.24
Chuck Norris wrote every song that 50 Cent ever sang.: 1.508
The Beatles song Norwegian Wood is in fact about Chuck Norris' penis.: 4.904
The highest degree of Masonry is Chuck Norris.: 4.326
Chuck Norris' dandruff is the Colonel's secret ingredient. They won't tell you because if we all knew that, KFC couldn't meet demand.: 2.586
It took Jesus three hours and help from Peter to carry his cross up Calvary Hill.  Chuck Norris made it in 00:07:26.: 4.5
In 1998, Chuck Norris' heart was replaced with a flux capacitor.: 5.543
As part of his greatest gift to mankind, Chuck Norris is currently in the process of writing "Hammer Time!" under every stop sign in the universe.: 4.906
Chuck Norris created a circle with corners.: 5.857
The first true moon landing occurred when Chuck Norris entered a long jump competition.: 4.435
The Chinese had two ideas to keep the Mongols out. Sadly, Chuck Norris works for no man so they had to settle on the Great Wall.: 6.107
Chuck Norris once beat Terry Schiavo in a staring contest.: 4.136
Chuck Norris' memoir sells as many copies as the Bible. In fact, it is the Bible.: 2.71
Chuck Norris eats nails for lunch and dinner. He's too tough to eat breakfast.: 4.235
Two words that lead us to believe that Osama Bin Laden is already dead...Chuck Norris.: 4.29
Chuck Norris has a Wrangler belt in karate.: 5.2
The opposite sides of Chuck Norris always add up to seven.: 4.952
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at your grimly.: 2.666
"Chuck Norris successfully mated a graham cracker with a knife. ": 3.243
As a child, Chuck Norris enjoyed long walks on the beach, particularly Iwo Jima and Normandy.: 4.294
Chuck Norris thinks bathrooms are a waste of time. He'd rather shit all over the floor and get it over with.: 3.566
Kobayashi won the Nathan's World Hot Dog eating contest by eating 60 hot dogs in less than ten minutes. Chuck Norris ate Kobayashi in two bites.: 4.978
Chuck Norris made guns so people would have a fighting chance.: 4.928
Mr. Rogers used to be an asshole, until Chuck Norris told him to "calm the fuck down".: 6.326
It is commonly believed that DUIs are the source of most car accidents. However, this is wrong. Most car accidents are caused by seeing Chuck Norris in a car. Not only is everyone trying to get out of the way, but you never know who he is looking for.: 3.545
One time during the company Christmas party, Chuck Norris was getting a handjob from a co-worker in the basement. The sheer power of his climax blew out the foundations of the building killing all the corporate profit-mongers. Chuck Norris crawled out of the building, refreshed and satisfied.: 3.75
Not many people know this but, Walker - Texas Ranger is actually a hidden camera show on Chuck Norris's life.: 4.772
"John White arrived on August 18, 1590 at Roanoke in modern day North Carolina after securing a ship full of supplies for the first British colony in the New World. He arrived on his grand daughterâ\x80\x99s third birthday. He rushed ashore to his family whom he had not seen for three years, only to find the entire colony deserted. Not a soul was found, nor any indication of what had happened barring one cryptic message. Carved into the trunk of an oak was the word \"CHUCKNORRIS\".": 3.822
Chuck Norris only maturbates to pictures of himself.: 4.14
Chuck Norris appeared briefly on the Apprentice. When he was being fired by Donald Trump, Norris cut him off by saying, "Shut your cocksucker" and roundhouse kicked him in the throat.: 2.921
Smoking won't kill you. Chuck Norris might.: 6.281
Chuck Norris once destroyed the entire world, but rebuilt it fasterthen the human mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.: 2.771
Chuck Norris has passed gas once. Its now known as the Bubonic Plague.: 4.6
Dinosaurs aren't really extinict; they're just hiding from Chuck Norris.: 5.833
Somewhere, right now, Chuck Norris is plowing a woman he doesn't love.: 5.145
Chuck Norris carries a card in his wallet, issued to him by the Supreme Court of the United States of America, absolving him from any charges of murder or attempted murder due to his sexual technique.: 6.181
When God sneezes, the seraphim sing, "Chuck bless you.": 5.777
Christopher Reeves wasn't riding a horse when he was paralyzed. He tried to shake Chuck Norris' hand. The infusion of the Holy Ghost, Beard, and Chuck Norris Man Musk twisted Reeves' neck into numerous contortions until it snapped. Then Chuck transformed into a Black Stallion, carried him to the nearest hospital, and roundhouse kicked him into a dumpster because he wasn't really Superman: 1.92
Chuck Norris knows all the numbers of pi, but will only share them if he can be beaten in hand-to-hand combat. This is why we have supercomputers trying to figure it out instead.: 5.9
"The song \"I Ran\" by A Flock of Seagulls is actually about a former band member killed by Chuck Norris. Naturally, he \"couldn't get away\". ": 5.478
Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone's vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.: 5.695
Chuck Norris once cut down a mighty redwood using only his penis. He was not erect at the time.: 5.155
Chuck Norris has no mother. He made himself out of a peice of string, some leaves, and some pointy sticks.: 2.983
Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks. He named it "Iraq", because he forgot how to spell "I rock".: 3.425
Chuck Norris will never die because God is afraid he will take over heaven.: 4.617
When you look back and see only one set of footprints, that's when Chuck Norris was carrying you.: 4.488
Chuck Norris uses porcupines for toothpicks.: 2.714
Chuck Norris can cough, sneeze, fart and ejaculate all at once.: 4.217
Jimmy Hoffa is burried in Chuck Norris.: 3.116
The Manhattan Project was actually a government project to convert the amount of energy exerted by a light roundhouse-kick from Chuck Norris into a more "conventional" weapon. It wasn't until the Cold War that the government upgraded the exertion to medium in the form of a hydrogen bomb to compete with the Soviets.: 1.777
The only time Chuck Norris fucked up, was when he thought he fucked up.: 3.35
Chuck Norris blew up the Challenger space shuttle. When asked why he said, "I've never left a challenger alive.": 6.385
Every time Chuck Norris kicks someone's ass, he staples a certificate of authenticity to their bruises.: 4.548
The 10 commandments were just Chuck Norris' first 10 sentences.: 4.72
Chuck Norris is so manly that men who are not attracted to his penis are considered gay.: 3.0
Chuck Norris came up with the recipe that The Rock uses.: 4.326
"If Chuck Norris were on the Supreme Court ever single case decided would be unanimous and there certainly wouldn't be any dissenting opinions. ": 3.75
For every man you don't kill, Chuck Norris kills seven.: 5.981
While filming an episode of "Walker Texas Ranger" the director disagreed with Chuck Norris. Chuck then roundhouse kicked the director in half. Afterwards realizing they needed a director, Chuck Norris ejaculated onto the ground, then out of the ooze rose a clone of Chuck Norris himself who then went on to direct the episode. This episode won every single Emmy award that year including best animated sitcom.: 3.79
Chuck Norris' first job was working at a national park. He saved suicidal lemmings by throwing his penis over the cliff, filling the valley below.: 3.0
Osama Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.: 2.547
Yoda mouthed Chuck. Chuck smacked the force out of Yoda. Eventually the force returned, Yoda's voice and speech pattern however, never were the same.: 4.173
During the screening of Brokeback Mountain, Chuck Norris walked into the theater and roundhouse kicked actor Jake Gyllenhaal back to the movie "Jarhead". Jake was sniped by Iraqi terrorists when he awoke from his state of unconsciousness. This was the only action by the Middle East that was approved by the United States.: 3.776
Chuck Norris was a pro-bowl place kicker for the 1972 Dolphins.  He also started at middle linebacker, quarterback, running back, and head coach.: 2.146
Chuck Norris is 9 of the 12 Patriots. Two others are his finger puppets, and the last one is his cock puppet.: 1.545
Bill Clinton uses Chuck Norris for Sex advice.: 3.394
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.: 7.574
Chuck Norris' left and right feet are the 8th and 9th wonders of the world, respectively.: 4.244
When Chuck Norris dies, the universe will implode. It's true, it has to be.: 3.408
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.: 4.254
Chuck Norris once played the lead part in a 3rd grade school production of Oliver Twist. He got all the porridge he wanted, along with some bikes and a Stretch Armstrong.: 4.309
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but 300 pounds of heavy artillery a day still won't keep Chuck Norris away.: 5.587
Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer, "to get a better look at the sun.": 4.962
Chuck Norris sodomized Scooby Doo and every member of "the gang" because Chuck Norris doesn't support gangs.: 4.298
Chuck Norris' "Total Gym" commercials are based on his real-life experience in killing whores.: 3.175
"Chuck Norris' beard can read braille. ": 4.021
In prep school Chuck Norris was a master debater, because nothing rebuts a roundhouse kick to the face.: 6.145
Most people don't know that Chuck Norris is actually the Last of the Mohicans. He just doesn't play that card because he wants it to be fair when he applies to law school.: 5.475
Only once has Chuck Norris performed a poor roundhouse kick.  He punished himself by roundhouse kicking himself in the throat... It was his best ever.: 3.392
A teenage girl recently asked Chuck Norris what he was going to do with all that junk inside his trunk. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick her in the ovaries, and caused the abortion of all fetuses worldwide.: 2.35
Whenever Chuck Norris successfully completes a vicious round house kick to the face he mentally sings to himself, "This Is How We Do It" by Montel Jordan.: 3.85
Chuck Norris shaves with an AK47.: 5.913
A rich man once bet Chuck Norris a million dollars that he could not fight the toughest man in the world and remain undefeated. Chuck Norris accepted. The man said "Haha! I win! For YOU are the toughest man in the world, and if you kick your own ass, you will not be undefeated!" Chuck Norris was forced to travel 30 seconds into the future, kick the man's ass, and take all his money.: 3.658
Takeru Kobayashi at 50 1/2 hot dogs in twelve minutes.  Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 1/2 minutes. Chuck Norris Won.: 3.539
Chuck Norris started the ever popular beating someone's ass with their own shoe.: 2.744
"Spike TV filmed a new show called \"Ultimate Fighter: Chuck Norris Edition,\" that will never air due to the fact that all the contestants died in roundhouse kick to the face related incidents.": 3.555
Chuck Norris' urine is an alternative fuel source.: 3.155
Chuck Norris doesn't shave...he stares at his beard in the mirror and the hair jumps off his face in fear.: 3.96
"The Civil War was stopped by Chuck Norris.  Thats why so many people died. ": 5.304
Chuck Norris doesn't see the color red, he hears it.: 5.436
Once, the writers of Saturday Night Live came up with a skit based on Chuck Norris. Due to fear of the beard, however, the name of the character was changed from "Chuck Norris" to "Bill Brasky". It remained the single most funny skit in SNL history.: 3.508
the word quadrillion was first implemented in a Harvard study to express the size of Chuck Norris's genitalia.: 2.981
When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, the sun knows what fucking time it is.: 5.666
Chuck Norris does not age, he simply turns around and round house kicks time in the face.: 4.56
Chuck Norris's beard has its own thriving ecosystem.: 5.23
Chuck Norris once created fusion to power his toaster.: 2.628
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".: 6.644
Chuck Norris is the reason for the hole in the ozone layer. The ozone layer now knows better.: 3.048
"\"I wear sunglasses at night cause the sun never sets on a badass\". This was Chuck Norris' answer when someone asked what his favorite color was.": 5.466
Uncle Sam doesn't want you anymore. He's got Chuck Norris.: 3.903
"Chuck Norris once filled in for Santa Claus, but was fired by Jesus because he gave every child only a Total Gym and a box set of every Walker Texas Ranger episode ever made. ": 3.54
Chuck Norris started the I love Chuck Norris Facebook Group, he then tracked down everyone who joined it and proceeded to roundhouse kick them into oblivion for being tools of the media.: 3.807
When Chuck Norris passes Go, he collects $400.00: 4.288
In an attempt to bolster ratings during sweeps week in 1988, CNN began referring to itself as the "Chuck Norris Network" and actually hired a bearded anchorman named Wolf Blitzer as a mascot for  the "new" network.  However, they were forced to change back to the "Cable News Network" after Norris kidnapped Ted Turner and tortured him with karate chops to the ribs for 5 straight days.  Amazingly, Wolf Blitzer is still loved today by news viewers across the world.: 2.551
The follicles in Chuck Norris's beard contain the active ingredient for defeating bad breath, ring-around-the-collar, and male pattern baldness. Rumour has it you can get some on the black market from a man covered in kung-fu-related bruising. A two-ounce bag costs enough to fund a small Latin American dictatorship for three months, and don't think for a second that this isn't really going on.: 3.523
Chuck Norris once donated 10 liters of his own blood. After that he won the Tour de France on a pogo stick.: 4.927
Chuck Norris always gives it, never receives it, when in prison.: 3.66
Chuck Norris was the Jewish Humanitarian of the Year. (Seriously): 2.81
Chuck Norris shows no mercy, because in Chuck Norris' language the word "mercy" means "beardless".: 4.816
If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll  introduce you to your biological father.: 7.411
While vacationing in Africa, Chuck Norris was attacked by a group of hungry lions.  Unfazed, he strangled them to death and proceeded to dislocate his jaw and ribcage so he could swallow his prey whole.: 4.636
Chuck Norris cried wolf, only to beat up the villagers who showed up.: 4.609
"Chuck Norris once entered the national spelling bee on ESPN.  When one of the kids asked the moderator to use an example of the the word \"aikido\" in a sentence, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the throat so he could no longer speak.  He went on to eliminate every other participant in the same way until he won. ": 2.738
Chuck Norris is what makes the world go 'round: 3.136
Chuck Norris is completely made out of metal poles, cheese and a set of hydraulics.: 2.485
The Beatles were the result of Chuck Norris' 4th grade science project.: 3.448
Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Donkey Kong, HD-TV, and waterslides. Yes, waterslides.: 2.78
Chuck Norris actually has a gravitational pull comparable to that of the Earth. We're all just too terrified to get any closer.: 2.577
Every morning Chuck starts his day off by roundhouse kicking 14 small children. Why 14? 14 is not only Chuck's favorite number, but it is also the number of times Chuck has had sex with your mother.: 2.733
Chuck Norris created the Total Gym by physically beating a Ford Pinto into the shape he had in his mind.  The gas tank did explode during the procedure, but not so much as one hair of Chuck Norris's beard was singed.: 2.595
Chuck Norris puts the fist in pacifist.: 5.705
in the 19th century, whales were hunted down to extinction by Chuck Norris when he discovered they made an excellent addition to a protein shake.: 3.107
Chuck Norris wanted to be the "voice of God" in the movie "Dogma", but Ben Affleck locked him in a bathroom at a Denny's on the day of the recording session. In retaliation, Chuck introduced Ben to Jennifer Lopez.: 5.74
Chuck Norris invented the beard.  He receives several million dollars in annual royalties from Santa Claus, Jesus, Richard Dreyfuss, and Chewbacca.: 6.1
"Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can \"accidentally\" beat the shit out of little kids. ": 6.938
One day Chuck Norris went shopping and he had grabbed the last can of pea soup off the counter. Just then Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Godzilla walked in and turned to Chuck Norris and said, "Give us the pea soup Buck Morris!" right then Chuck Norris turned around and went, "The name is Chuck Norris!" and he brutally anniliated all three of them. The pea soup tasted especially good that night.: 3.119
Chuck Norris is allowed to touch the stripper during a lap dance.: 5.166
Chuck Norris will never get sick because germs are scared of him.: 5.677
Chuck Norris is where babies come from.: 5.224
Chuck Norris trims his beard with a chainsaw.: 4.653
Chuck Norris had seven children. Four of them went on to become doctors. The other three were delicious.: 5.4
Chuck formed the La Brea tar pits after a weekend of bad chili and dark beer.: 4.692
Chuck Norris is the editor for the Vin Diesel Random Fact Site.  He will approve any fact that aludes to Vin's homosexuality.: 5.826
Chuck Norris has a mullet. Laugh about it, he fucking dares you.: 6.347
In blackjack, Chuck Norris always hits on 20 if the dealer is showing 10. Chuck Norris hates the possibility of a tie.: 6.333
Chuck Norris thought that the television show "The Amazing Race" was a reality show about white people.: 4.434
Chuck Norris does not shave with a conventional razor, he simply coats his head in blood and dips his face into a shark tank.: 5.966
Israel's Dead Sea is 1,312 feet below sea level because it was where Chuck Dorris axe-kicked his last opponent: 3.205
When Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicks in front of a mirror there is no reflection.: 3.51
The verb "to chuck" (as in throw) came about when Chuck Norris threw a man as hard as he could into a brick wall a mile away. Chuck Norris then laughed and yelled "You've been Chucked.": 4.896
When you pray to god, Chuck Norris listens, Then round house kicks you to the head for believeing in god and not Chuck Norris.: 3.89
During a ten-year retreat to the jungles of Asia, Chuck Norris came across two panda bears unable to conceive a cub. Being the humanitarian that he is, Chuck stepped in as surrogate mother for the pandas. Exactly nine months later the cub was analy birthed, but not breathing. Chuck tore open and ate the placenta and delivered the roundhouse kick of life to the cub's chest, starting its heart. Unfortunately his appetite for baby took over and he devoured the cub whole. Norris then looked at the pandas and said, "It's simple Reganomics", and and walked home.: 4.192
The Chuck Norris total Gym is actually designed to act as a religious relic where mere mortals can pray and strive to be more like the one true God Chuck Norris.: 2.901
The Book of Revelations was actually written by Chuck Norris in a moment of prophecy.: 2.723
Chuck Norris made earth in seven days. He later sold the rights God.: 2.631
Every woman who has ever kissed Chuck Norris has lost all her teeth from the sheer impact of his beard.: 3.173
Chuck Norris once shucked 4872 ears of corn in 14 minutes using his beard. Incidentally, the words "shuck corn" can be found in the name of Chuck Norris.: 4.386
Once, Chuck Norris was partying all night, and the sun came up. Chuck Norris didn't want to stop partying, so he made the sun go back down. With his mind.: 2.787
Chuck Norris rejected an invitation to Vin Diesel's house to play Xbox 720 and Playstation 4 as he was busy playing his Xbox 1080 and Playstation 5.: 4.265
The only time Chuck Norris was confused was after watching the Stephen Seagal movie "Nico". Still to this day, he cannot figure out, why a rival action hero chooses to run like a schoolgirl with wet knickers.: 3.423
Isaac Newton, who was previously believed to have studied the great universal force of gravity, truely studied the great universal force of Chuck Norris.  This is because the apple never fell from a tree and landed on Newton's head, instead it was because Chuck Norris manifested the first apple in order for it to be launched via roundhouse kick from his home planet, 463.7 lightyears away from earth.: 2.909
Everytime Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone an angel gets its wings. But Chuck Norris hates angels. So everytime an angel gets its wings it also gets a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.: 4.142
"There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris's body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple. ": 3.803
Chuck Norris's golf score is always 18 because they put the hole wherever his ball lands.: 5.961
On Chuck Norris' dog house there is a sticker that says beware of Chuck Norris.: 4.953
Chuck Norris uses kittens and razor blades as lubrication when he masturbates.: 4.403
Tony Danza is the reason that Chuck Norris despises humanity.: 4.904
WWI? That never happened. It was Chuck Norris trying to prove to Cheech Marin that Germany was in fact stronger than France after a particularly disasterous game of Risk.: 4.365
Chuck Norris is just like you and me, he puts his pants on one leg at a time.  Except when he puts his pants on, he fights North Koreans.: 5.877
Chuck Norris once made the greatest movie of all time. Ebert gave it thumbs up, but Siskel, angry at Norris for being so much more awesome than himself, gave it thumbs down. He soon after died of a roundhouse-kick related heart attack. Ebert remains alive, and "Sidekicks" remains the single greatest achievement in cinematic history.: 4.509
Chuck Noris' famous slowmo rounndhouse kick isn't actually slow mition at all. Due to his amazing muscle control developed throughdaily kagel excercises, Chuck Noris can litterally squeeze air with his butt muscles, thus suspending him on a jet stream of air. The fact that his opponents and surroundings all seem to be in slow motion as well is merely a mirage formed by the vapour trail.: 4.607
Due to Chuck Norris's obsess with staring contests, he can never be allowed to look at a mirror.: 5.416
If you look closely, you can spot Chuck Norris in nearly every scene of "Men in Black".: 2.326
Chuck Norris can shoot at cars with a revolver and make them explode. He told me all you have to do is make a real macho face when you're aiming and you'll hit the gas tank everytime.: 4.948
Chuck Norris once lined up in the shotgun-formation, only to be narrowly sacked by the opposing defensive end, Chuck Norris. Never the less, after throwing the Hail-Chuck Norris to All-Pro Wideout, Chuck Norris, notorious steroid using Cornerback, Chuck Norris, out of the Universit of Chuck Norris  located in Walker, Texas, intercepted the football. John Madden was so confused, he ate Al Michaels.: 3.307
"Had the priests in \"The Exorcist\" just said, \"The power of Chuck Norris compels you\" instead of \"The power of Christ compels you,\" the movie would only have been about 30 seconds long. ": 5.163
Judaism says our Messiah hasn't come yet, Chuck Norris claims he is already here.: 2.379
What is the only thing worse than Chuck Norris with a gun. Chuck Norris without a gun.: 4.634
No human on earth can kill Chuck Norris because God knows he would have to relinquish his throne if Chuck was to go to Heaven.: 4.9
If you look at Chuck Norris's bare back you can see a Surgeon General's Warning against the use of Chuck Norris.: 4.358
Instead of coal on Chritmas, Chuck Norris gives kids a roundhouse kick to the face, then he takes the cookies and milk becuase their is no such thing as santa, their is simply... Chuck Norris.: 3.894
When Chuck Norris dines at Chinese buffets, under the tip he leaves "go play in traffic you fucking Asian".: 2.487
Chuck Norris is a world champion in Long Distance Shitting. He once propelled a shit more than 1000 yards, where it landed perfectly in a toilet, without even making a splash. The sport was outlawed, however, after a stray shit from Norris struck a hobo 10 miles away, killing him instantly.: 3.641
Chuck Norris worked for Taco Bell from the late 1960's until the early 1980's. He was fired because he was accused of making a quaesidilla so delicious it actually shut down the functions of the brain, thus killing massive amounts of the American public.: 3.479
When Chuck Norris tans, everyone around him gets ten times darker and eventually dies from cancer.: 3.921
When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.: 4.046
"Chuck Norris is desperately working on a way to have sexual intercourse with himself because he has finally realized that he is the sexiest person on the planet... and everyone knows that Chuck Norris does not settle for second best. ": 4.267
Real men don't have pubic hair. They have cock beards in honor of their leader and idol Chuck Norris.: 3.207
Chuck Norris uses bleach as mouth wash.: 5.0
Chuck Norris' sperm are approximately the size of a regular red salmon. So when Chuck's sperm matures, they travel up a river in which then they are caught and eaten by thirsty Japanese girls.: 5.372
The Cuban Missile Crisis ended when President Kennedy threatened to use Chuck Norris.: 4.541
Chuck Norris once broke into, and out of, Alcatraz, Sing Sing, and San Quentin on the same afternoon.: 3.153
Some time ago, Chuck Norris wrote two different stories. Norris gave the one he felt was weakest to his friend, William Shakespeare, who later renamed it "MacBeth". The stronger one went onto become "Missing In Action".: 3.733
When Chuck Norris eats grapes, he pisses out well-aged wine.: 4.387
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Toucan Sam for giving, "Shitty directions.": 5.693
When Chuck Norris shoplifts, he actually steals the shop.: 4.52
Chuck Norris beat the computer from War Games in tic-tac-toe in two moves.: 5.242
Chuck Norris is strong enough to punch through steel, yet delicate enough to cradle a newborn to sleep: 2.0
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.: 3.244
One time a group of evil ninja's hired by Vin Diesel cut off Chuck Norris' beard in his sleep because they heard it was the source of his ultimate power.  Norris hunted them down and killed them all with a single roundhouse kick.  He then used their blood to feed his genetically enhanced killer bees, which he wore as a replacement beard.: 2.041
Chuck Norris is the reason why Jared lost all of that weight. This is simply because Jared has been running from Chuck for years.: 5.184
It wasn't the chicken or the egg.  It was Chuck Norris.: 4.928
Once while in a coma and adrift on the high seas, Chuck Norris was attacked by the largest, most ferocious great white shark that ever lived. Some years later, an interviewer asked him about the incident. All Chuck could remember was that the sex was great and the shark steaks were delicious.: 4.36
"Chuck Norris is so awesome, he made the Bob Saget fact generator cease to exist. ": 3.565
The producer of "Walker Texas Ranger" once asked Chuck Norris his opinion of changing the name to "Chuck Norris Texas Ranger". Chuck then stared at the producer for a few seconds before round house kicking him in the neck, severing his head.: 1.574
Chuck Norris' hair is more addictive than heroin.: 3.333
The only thing that keeps Chuck Norris going is the fact that somewhere, someone is watching Delta Force 2.: 3.901
Chuck Norris' face grew from his beard and his body followed shortly after.: 3.535
Chuck Norris circumcised himself. At birth. With his bare hands.: 4.518
Tony Danza reports to Chuck Norris.: 2.451
According to string theory, there was a universe comprised entirely of Chuck Norris'. Unfortunately for said universe all the Chucks decided they would roundhouse kick at once and now every single universe has a Chuck Norris.: 1.625
The internet is actually just a glimpse into Chuck Norris' mind.: 3.074
After having his chest hair pulled, Chuck Norris hit Bruce Lee so hard in the mouth that his people would never be able to speaking English properly. Engrish is Chuck's way of saying, "Stop being a bitch Japan.": 3.0
Chuck Norris defeated Hulk Hogan at the battle of Little Big Horn.: 2.45
According to Kanye West, Chuck Norris does not care about black people.: 3.558
"Chuck Norris was originally casted to play the leading role in Titanic. He refused because he thought the movie was a biography of his 6-foot long penis. ": 2.5
Chuck Norris' body hair is ten times stronger than spider silk and fifty times stickier.: 3.641
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.: 3.13
Chuck Norris hated watching Wilford Brimley's Diabetes commercials so much that he blew a 90 mph load down his throat from 15 miles away. Wilford will never have low blood sugar ever again.: 3.46
As a child, Chuck Norris once had a pet iguana. While suffering from a brief cold, he sneezed on the reptile, knocking it unconscious. Assuming it dead, Chuck flushed it down the toilet. Two months later, the creature known as Godzilla emerged from the sea to decimate the city of Tokyo.: 4.542
Chuck Norris cannot be duplicated. If you try to duplicate Chuck Norris he will duplicate you. This is for the sole purpose that he can have the pleasure of killing you twice.: 2.714
Chuck Norris' name is a palindrome.: 2.1
Chuck Norris always had a heated rivalry with Bruce Lee. When Lee died, they had unfinished business, so Chuck Norris enlisted the aid of Jonathon Silverman and Andrew McCarthy to work as Marionettes and prop up Lee's lifeless corpse so Chuck could get one last Roundhouse Kick in.: 3.5
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a crocodile so hard it exploded into a pair of crocodile skin cowboy boots and a beard.  Chuck wears both to this day.: 5.254
The Big Bang was a result of Chuck Norris learning how to effectively use the roundhouse kick.: 5.26
Locks of Chuck Norris' mullet have been used for centuries in asian medicine and are the most potent aphrodisiac known on the planet.: 3.697
"November 22nd, 1963: Chuck Norris was driving through Texas when a lone assassin sitting on a grassy gnoll inside a book suppository shot him in the face. After recovering from the face shot, Chuck Norris found the guy who did it and killed him with a roundhouse kick. This is why the death penalty is so strictly enforced in Texas today.": 1.734
Night of the Living Dead was based on the aftermaths of Chuck Norris' "forgotten" film, where every extra and bit part actor was accidentaly killed.: 2.941
Chuck Norris killed the last Unicorn with his bare hands. The Unicorn was Chuck's best friend.: 3.982
If Chuck Norris ever comes into physical contact with Steve Buscemi the universe will implode. Despite this, Chuck Norris actively seeks out Steve Buscemi.: 4.68
On the first day God created the heavens and the earth, looked down, and then said, "Holy shit, is that Chuck Norris?": 6.039
Chuck Norris eats sheet metal and shit's out mid-sized SUVs.: 4.111
In a court appearence in 1994, Chuck Norris asked to be sworn in on a copy of Walker on DVD as opposed to the Bible because, "the Bible means nothing to me.": 3.847
Chuck Norris was the original model for Brawney paper towels. He gained this position by winning a competition to see who could beat a women well enough to intimidate her into a life of cleaning and servitude.: 5.157
Chcuk Norris is the only male human to give birth. His only child; Vin Diesel.: 3.53
76% of all suicides are committed when someone finds out that they are not Chuck Norris.: 6.153
Chuck Norris once judged a book by it's cover. In a feeble attempt to stick up for itself, the book told him he couldn't do that. It's life was ended with a fatal roundhouse kick to the spine.: 5.173
Chuck Norris is so strong, he can do handstands without using his hands.: 4.064
The Bible got it wrong. God made Chuck Norris in his own image, not Man.: 3.472
Christopher Reeve didn't fall off that horse. Chuck Norris hates superman.: 3.25
Chuck Norris raised his IQ by eating gifted children.: 5.604
Chuck Norris once made love to a grizzly bear for 4 hours.: 4.377
Chuck Norris owned a vineyard and made wine. It was marketed as Whine, since the grapes were juiced by Chuck Norris shaking his fist in the direction of the vines and the grapes juicing themselves out of fear.: 3.5
Chuck Norris once took a dump and instead of containing bits of corn, it contained Ashlee Simpson, Britney Spears, and the girl from Blossum.: 2.77
God got most of his ideas from Chuck Norris.: 4.041
In Counter Strike, Chuck Norris runs faster with the Machine Gun than you run with the knife. On a similar note, he never fails to get headshots.: 4.04
Chuck Norris raped Tony Danza and Bruce Springsteen simultaneously one day just to make them aware that Chuck Norris is the fucking boss.: 6.6
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.: 4.769
Even though Chuck Norris can cure cancer, he refuses to do so because he feels it would promote laziness and turn people into pansies.: 3.333
Chuck Norris lives at the North Pole in a place he calls the Fortress of Solitude. There he forces elves to make toys for him to deliver world-wide on Christmas Eve.: 3.708
If trapped in a basement, Chuck Norris can live on basement moisture and insects for over 30 years.: 4.87
Chuck Norris listens to Pantera to calm down.: 4.795
"At the age of 7 while learning to play the trumpet, Chuck Norris misplayed a note. Jazz was created that day.  ": 3.594
"Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the Blue Ringed Octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venemous creature on Earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: Fever, Blurred Vision, Beard Rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.": 5.255
Chuck Norris once quit smoking by roundhouse kicking a tabacco company CEO in the head, simultaneously inventing the phrase "kick the habit".: 4.387
Chuck Norris's dick is the reason why Dakota Fanning's teeth are so messed up.: 3.26
If every woman in the world had met Chuck Norris, there would be no lesbians or virgins.: 3.583
Hospitals are also know as "Chuck Norris Recovery Centers".  This applies doubly to the maternity wards.: 5.5
Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick anyone in the face if they're wearing red, just in case they're a Communist.: 3.5
In 1978, Chuck invented Nerf foam products for "Pussies who can't handle the real thing.": 3.294
"The only thing hairier than Chuck Norris's beard are his balls.  ": 3.977
Praying Mantises take after Chuck Norris. After having sex they bite off the head of their mate.: 5.045
Some people think the most powerful thing is Universe is a black hole. Some people are wrong. It is Chuck Norris.: 4.166
Chuck Norris can see through people, not because he has keen intellect or great wisdom. But because he knocks a whole in them and eats their liver.: 4.3
Historians have recently renamed the Bubonic Plague to "The Time when Chuck Norris Got Angry at Europe for 45 Seconds".: 3.735
Chuck Norris knew the "Secret of the Ooze" before Splinter or Shredder.: 3.25
Chuck Norris once fought God. Who won? People are still trying to find God, and Chuck Norris is on a perpetual worldwide victory lap.: 4.387
Chuck Norris once delivered three Mexican babies while eating a ham sandwhich.: 3.183
It is commonly known that Eve was created from the rib of Adam, but few know that Chuck Norris was actually created using Adam's genitals.: 4.452
The original cast of Street Fighter 2 are all children of Chuck Norris.: 3.629
Chuck Norris keeps a horde of trained bees under his beard to let loose at a moment's notice.: 4.642
As a teen, Chuck Norris actually masturbated until he went blind. He then proceeded to masturbate until he could see again.: 6.051
They may say that Chuck Yeager first broke the sound barrier, but it was actually a disoriented Chuck Norris. He was just a little fatigued from having sex for the previous 70 hours straight and had forgotten his last name.: 3.25
Chuck Norris attempted to round house kick an apple off of William Tells' head and ended up breaking his skull 46 times. He said it was an accident, but we all know the truth.: 4.294
This entire galaxy and even the universe itself is just a speck of dust in the beard of a greater, cosmic Chuck Norris.: 3.312
Chuck Norris is one of the Twelve superhumans that can eat their own heads and live to tell the tale (using sign language).: 1.818
Chuck Norris invented time so that he would know when the last time he roundhouse kicked someone was.: 5.209
"The atomic bomb was created by splitting Chuck Norris's sperm.  When testing the weapon it was heard that everyone East of the Rockies became pregnant.  ": 4.274
Chuck Norris could have stopped the Holocaust but he was too busy having sex with an over-sized garden gnome.: 2.702
Chuck Norris individually routes Internet traffic on paper.: 4.027
Chuck Norris only wears shirts that are made in Bangladesh, by children slaves.: 2.172
Chuck Norris invented the buffalo, but only to roundhouse kick it in the face.: 1.723
God created a rock so big that even He could not lift. Chuck Norris picked up said rock and called God a pussy.: 3.379
Because of Chuck Norris' sheer amazingness, there has only been one woman brave enough to try and make love to Chuck Norris with the light on.  Her name was Terry Schiavo.: 3.892
Watching a Chuck Norris movie will make your testicles grow 12%. And this actually happens with females too.: 4.634
The way Chuck Norris talks to women is not defined as "spitting game", but rather, "verbal roofies".: 4.5
Nine out of ten scientists agree that Chuck Norris, not the "Big Bang", created the universe. The tenth scientist has never been found.: 3.618
Chuck Norris once won an entire game of Celebrity Jeopardy by answering with "Who is Chuck Norris?": 6.276
Chuck Norris has infinity continues. He's never used one.: 3.75
Chuck Norris can't spell Chuck Norris.: 1.7
When Chuck Norris beats his dog for peeing on the rug, he does so at the PETA headquarters out of sheer spite.: 5.02
Chuck Norris caused all the pain and suffering that is the inspiration for emo music. It was his only mistake.: 5.06
In the last scene of "Full Metal Jacket", where Joker kills the Vietnamese sniper and Donlon says, "Hardcore, man... fuckin' hardcore," Donlon is talking about Chuck Norris.: 3.6
Chuck Norris isn't actually a person. He is an entity of pure martial arts superiority and fucking awesomeness. He just takes the form of a ruggedly handsome man so our heads don't explode when we lay eyes upon him.: 4.26
When parents respond to their children crying with "I'll give you something to cry about", they are referring to Chuck Norris.: 3.769
Chuck Norris once got in a fight with Lance Armstrong over who had more testicles.  Chuck Norris won by three.: 6.454
Chuck Norris stole your bike.: 4.1
Chuck Norris was kicked out of the Power Rangers because each of the Rangers were named after a color and he was the only one named after a state.: 2.536
Steven Segal legally changed his name to Chuck Norris, and reems all the proceeds for the Total Gym for himself. When Norris found out about this, he blew up Segals mother.: 2.564
Chuck Norris can eat your soul in a single bite.: 3.333
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.: 7.362
Chuck Norris puts paparazzi in his protein shakes.: 4.043
Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.: 5.51
Despite historical record Chuck Norris was the first man to walk on the moon. He came up there to give that smug "man on the moon" a good ass-kicking.: 3.789
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up.  This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.: 5.446
"The movie Rambo: First Blood was inspired by Chuck Norris' experience as a boy scout.": 6.428
Chuck Norris invented babies because he got tired of eating the same old thing.: 4.18
"If you make Chuck Norris Norris stroke his beard in confusion, you're finished, because Norris doesn't understand confusion, only pain. ": 3.098
In a hostile conversation between Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel, Chuck was quoted saying, "Vin, why don't you walk back into your house, go into the pantry, pull out a bag of 'fuck off' chips, open the package, decide you need some dip, then open the refridgerator and grab some extra spicy 'eat shit' dip, and eat the whole lot, you fucking asshole." Norris later remarked that though his comments were harsh, he meant what he said and he does not regret it. He continued on to say, "I hate that pansy, I mean he can't even grow a beard, for fuck sakes!": 2.638
Chuck Norris trims his beard with a dull bayonet.: 2.071
Chuck Norris can drop kick a small child 200 yards.: 3.487
Chuck Norris once decided to find a substitute for butter. He took a shit and invented Nutella.: 3.36
All techno music is based on the different beats of Chuck Norris's heart.: 3.586
"900 of Nostradamus' 942 Quatrains prophesize about Chuck Norris. ": 3.814
Chuck Norris does not need a remote for his TV. He simply gives it "the look" and the television changes channels by itself.: 6.127
Viagra is in fact Chuck Norris' solidified semen.: 3.978
Chuck Norris' first girlfriend gave him the nickname 7-11, being that he was 7 inches limp and 11 hard.  They broke up when he was 8.: 5.62
The only way to cheat death is to be friends with Chuck Norris.: 5.923
The only thing stronger than kevlar are vests woven out of Chuck Norris' chest hair.: 4.25
Moses did not receive the 10 Commandments from God, they were merely a stone that had been stuck in Chuck Norris' sandal.: 3.333
They say MacGyver can make anything out of paperclips and string using only his hands. Well, Chuck Norris can make anything out of MacGyver using only his fists.: 6.212
Chuck Norris can get breakfast at McDonald's after 10:30.: 6.224
Chuck Norris still owns slaves. Mankind is his slave.: 3.929
Chuck Norris was once the judge at an interpretive dance competition. He found them guilty.: 5.276
Chuck Norris has only lost one fight in his life. In 1997, Chuck constructed a time machine. He then proceeded to timewarp to the year 2008. There he ran into Chuck Norris of the Future, who had finally mastered the Mastadon Death grip. Chuck Norris of the past was no match.: 3.686
Chuck Norris rode the short bus to school, not because he was dumb, but because he got a kick out of beating up retards.: 4.017
Fifteen people are known to have been crushed to death tilting vending machines towards them in the hope of a free can of soda.  Chuck Norris was behind every one of these machines.: 4.695
Chuck Norris is the only man to have sex with Pat Butcher and live to tell the tale.: 2.791
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard in the face, they ceased to exist. This of course was never documented, because Chuck Norris then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone within the vicinity out of existance as well. He then later wrote a book about it, a book that we now refer to as "The Bible.": 3.658
When asked who he thought would win the Superbowl Chuck Norris without hesitation replied "Pain always wins.": 5.687
Chuck Norris never lost his virginity because he was born without one.: 4.976
Before he visits anywhere, international law dictates that Chuck Norris must inform the area's inhabitants at least seven days before his arrival. The necessary funeral arrangements can then be made.: 6.222
Chuck Norris plays a game very similar to teatherball, but instead of a ball, it's a live baby.: 6.166
Chuck Norris rarely has to leave his house. If he wants to go somewhere, he just tells it to "get the fuck over here".: 5.467
Chuck Norris has the record for most wins on Family Double Dare. What makes this impressive is that Chuck Norris won without his family and by taking the physical challenge everytime.: 6.3
Midgets only exists because Chuck Norris has been working on his low kicks.: 4.803
The Russian Mafia once put a hit on Chuck Norris. 30 minutes later the Mafia disbanded.: 5.41
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.: 2.14
Chuck Norris knows the square root of Pi.: 4.605
"The United States city with the lowest crime rate is whichever city Chuck Norris is currently in. ": 6.1
In the beginning, there was Chuck Norris. And it was good.: 3.722
During a challenging game of "Operation" with his grandmother, Chuck Norris inadvertantly touched one of the sides due to a tickle from his massive beard while trying to remove the "Charlie Horse" game piece. Chuck Norris became so enraged, Chuck Norris stabbed and killed his grandmother with the tweezers Chuck Norris held in his hands. Chuck Norris was also flustered with the fact the the games character had no penis. Later, a Chuck Norris version of the game was released. Men died and women became pregnant upon sight of the gameboard.: 2.575
Growing up, Chuck Norris got into fights every day at school. His grandma told him that he shouldn't be so violent. So he roundhouse kicked her face.: 3.833
King Kong climbed the empire state building to get away from Chuck Norris.: 5.519
Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.: 4.933
Chuck Norris punched out Einstein for stealing his ideas.: 2.566
Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so fast, it broke the neck of the Roadrunner when it was going at top speed. Shortly after that, Wile E. Coyote hung himself after his boss fired him.: 2.692
Chuck Norris can win at a game of chess with only a king.: 5.255
Extra long flight golf balls are filled with Chuck Norris' semen.: 3.316
Chuck Norris does not live life on the edge; life lives on the edge of Chuck Norris.: 5.224
Chuck Norris invented emo music just to piss people off. Chuck Norris is not sorry.: 5.936
Chuck Norris once kicked so much ass at a breakdancing contest that he created a time-space anomaly that destroyed a large amount of Ninja, Vikings, Pirates, and Lumberjacks.: 2.72
Chuck Norris has never been rained upon. Mother Nature can't risk those kinds of repercussions.: 5.722
"Chuck Norris enjoys popcorn at the movies, but is always disappointed with the portions. Upon threatening management with roundhouse kicks they quickly introduced a new sizing scale for the buttery treat: small, medium, large, and Chuck Norris.": 4.04
Magician David Copperfield plans to impregnate a woman without touching her. When Chuck Norris heard this, he laughed, impregnated Copperfield, accelerated time eight and a half months, and performed a Caesarian section.: 5.333
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, hard liquor, sexual intercourse, and football... in that exact order.: 5.666
Chuck Norris beat IBM's Deep Blue in chess in under 30 seconds, then killed the families of the engineers who designed it because Chuck Norris has no patience for incompetence.: 5.979
Chuck Norris is the reason why bad things happen to good people.: 5.35
The Great Depression began in 1929, when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the stock market over after the value of beard trimmers fell.: 3.859
When Chuck Norris punches you in the uterus, you become pregnant. Dont try an abortion, either, it only makes the fetus stronger.: 5.6
When Chuck Norris gives a thumbs up, it means that his penis is now erect.: 3.58
Chuck Norris once met Albert Einstein on a Caribbean cruise and offered to prove the scientists theory of relativity to him. Einstein excitedly agreed, whereupon Norris promptly roundhouse kicked him in the head at the speed of light, the net effect of which created a hole in space and time now called the Bermuda Triangle. Einstein's once flaccid hair was never the same.: 3.666
Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris' house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while "It's a Hard Knock Life" plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say "Thank you, Mr. Norris." in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.: 5.541
Chuck Norris once took part in a Civil War reenactment. It was the bloodiest day in American history.: 6.45
Chuck Norris can piss on the third rail and not get electrocuted.: 2.438
Step on a crack, and Chuck Norris will break your mother's back with a roundhouse kick.: 3.16
"Chuck Norris kills men with his bare hands. And by \"bare hands,\" I mean \"bear hands,\" hands that he personally ripped from a 900-pound grizzly bear before beating it to death. His explanation: none. And if you ask him for one, he kills you with his bear hands.": 0.833
"Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from \"Walker: Texas Ranger\" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.": 6.177
One time Chuck Norris got bored so he flew to England and orally sodomized the entire royal family.: 1.583
A girl once broke Chuck Norris's heart. In return, he broke her neck.: 5.375
When Chuck Norris was born, his parents sent a group of miners into the depths of Africa to find a diamond pure enough to cut his beard. They are still searching.: 3.862
Chuck Norris thought Arnold's movie "Commando" was lacking in senseless killings.: 6.656
Chuck Norris thinks anyone who uses the metric system is a pussy.: 4.871
According to the Book of Revelations, the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. This is because there was no Greek word for Chuck Norris.: 5.029
Chuck Norris went to the supermarket to pick up some eggs, but everytime he touched the eggs, the scrambled themsevles and jumped out of the shell.  When asked by the a beautiful woman how he was able to perform such a feat, Chuck Norris replied, "I am all that is man."  He then stared at her for 5 seconds, then gave her a roundhouse kick to the face.: 2.208
Chuck Norris rubbed his beard so hard that he wore off his own fingerprints. His smooth palm faces add the perfect amount of aero-dynamics for karate chops reaching tops speeds of 136mph.: 3.196
"Chuck Norris saw the movie, \"The Polar Express,\" and immediately roundhouse kicked his 6 year old son in the face for convincing him to see it.  ": 4.375
Chuck Norris doesn't eat cereal for breakfast, he eats his victims.: 2.307
The Big Bad Wolf only destroyed two of the Three Little Piggies' houses. Chuck Norris donkey punched the wolf, then proceeded to annihilate the brick structure with a roundhouse kick to the facade.: 3.439
Despite popular belief Chuck Norris does not have bullet proof skin; the bullets just don't have the force to penetrate the immense amount of body hair.: 3.755
Chuck Norris was once challened to swim the English Channel. In response, he drank in the entire North Atlantic, walked across to France, and relieved himself upon the wine-growing regions there. The wine that year was the finest on record.: 6.21
Chuck Norris wins the Oscar for Best Actor every year. However, he refuses to accept the trophy until Oscar grows a beard.: 3.813
No one fires (or does anything else) at will, Chuck Norris decides when everyone fires, and if they choose to term that as their will, let the self-deception continue.: 2.31
Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of Chuck Norris to grow.: 4.857
Chuck Norris is, therefore I am.: 3.12
Chuck Norris once tried to commit sucide while jumping out of a plane with no parachute. He also fired five .45 caliber bullets in the direction of his skull. However, when he landed he crushed 3 people. The bullets also were deflected off of Chuck's beard and killed 11 people. Just goes to show you that Chuck Norris kicks ass even when he tries to kill himself.: 6.314
Chuck Norris gets his eggs sunny on both sides- one side with a yolk and the other side with a fully developed chick glued to it.: 4.351
Never stare directly at Chuck Norris, or you will burn out your retinas.: 4.166
"Nike tried to cast Chuck Norris in a tennis shoe advert. However, they found it exceedingly difficult to craft a shoe that could withstand the power of Chuck flexing his big toe. ": 2.266
It is believed that the magnetic poles of the Earth switch every 200,000 years.  Not surprisingly, this coincides exactly with how often Chuck Norris is clumsy enough to stub his toe.: 3.297
If you see Chuck Norris, it's already too late.: 5.156
Whenever you curse Chuck Norris under your breath for being the most awesome loser in history, you're damned lucky his beard doesn't hear it. DAMNED lucky.: 2.92
The first rule of Chuck Norris is, you do not talk about Chuck Norris.: 4.533
Chuck Norris is watching you poop, and waiting for the perfect moment to strike a kick so hard that you vomit your own crap, vital organs, and DVD copies of "Sidekicks", starring Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris.: 3.382
Chuck Norris can utilize his beard as a lung for breathing underwater.: 3.865
It was actually Chuck Norris who built the Frankenstein monster, which he did only to prove that he could resurrect a dead man for the sole purpose of snapping his neck and killing him again. When she wrote her famous novel, Mary Shelley decided to change the name after Chuck Norris drowned her husband and had sex with her twelve times; her change came not out of fear, but admiration.: 3.653
New Years Eve 1998, Chuck Norris and I were at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.: 1.948
If it weren't for Chuck Norris, you could mess with Texas whenever you wanted to.: 6.152
Chuck Norris writes only in the first person because thats the only person that matters to anyone.: 4.054
As a teenager, Chuck Norris had the beginnings of a receding hairline. Chuck's beard, being ever so perceptive, noticed this and cloned itself allowing the cloned beard to crawl to the balding area in order to make Chuck's hair as thick and lush as ever.: 3.024
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.: 7.14
"The clock on Chuck Norris' VCR sets itself for fear of retaliation. ": 6.583
Germans suffered 4 millon casualties during World War 2. 80% were roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris, the rest ate nails to avoid the suffering.: 4.52
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.: 7.234
If Chuck Norris was a hooker, he would make more than every hooker in history.: 1.2
A Pakistani cleric offered a 1.5 million rupee (USD 25,000) reward and a car to anyone who kills the cartoonist who drew Prophet Muhammad. After realizing that the cartoonist was Chuck Norris, he gave the reward to Chuck and converted to the Church of Chuck Norris.: 5.16
Who are Chuck Norris' parents?  Might, Justice, and cunning; yes, all three.: 3.392
The United States armed forces currently employ Chuck Norris in testing thier Abrams Main Battle Tank before sending them into combat.  This is achieved by having Chuck Norris attempt to penetrate the hull armor with a single roundhouse kick.  90% of Abrams tanks fail this test.: 5.649
When Chuck Norris goes to the movies his friends call him him Fire!!! because it is safer than saying Chuck Norris in a crowd.: 3.695
"Chuck Norris' mother tried to terminate her pregnancy, but Chuck Norris survived the operation through the sheer determination of his will.  ": 3.595
Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.: 4.16
Chuck Norris did not read the terms of agreement, but clicked the "I Agree" button anyway.: 5.0
Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever. Even when he got a papercut.: 2.306
The Bubonic Plague was Chuck Norris's way of saying "I hate England.": 6.2
Chuck Norris does not have skin, he has a layer of kevlar that just looks like skin.: 4.391
Chuck Norris can down a whole bottle of Busch without once making a bitter beer face.: 3.617
After taking a cue from George Foreman, Chuck Norris will develop his own grill that actually bullies and roundkicks the food into getting more brown.: 2.903
Chuck Norris once fed a starving Ethiopian boy a 12 course meal, then promptly sacrificed the boy to Satan in an effort to boost the ratings of Walker Texas Ranger.: 2.941
"The Jamestown colony was a thriving place up until the time someone made fun of Chuck Norris' Wranglers. ": 4.806
Even though Chuck Norris has never bothered to learn how to read, he still gets the full effect of Alphabet Soup.: 3.551
Chuck Norris masturbates with Sandpaper.: 5.854
Chuck Norris wrote the renowned "Muffin Man" rhyme, but as a method of interrogation. He's been tracking that motherfucker for seventeen years.: 3.653
Chuck Norris once visited a sperm bank. The period that followed is commonly referred to as the Baby Boom: 5.096
Chuck Norris doesnt teabag girls, he ransacks them.: 5.275
The idea for the show "24" is actually stolen from a drawing Chuck Norris made when he was drunk.: 3.525
Mel Gibson originally cast Chuck Norris as Jesus for his movie, the Passion of the Christ, only to later cut him from the cast. When asked why he made this decision he replied, "It would be a sin to allow Chuck Norris play a lesser role than himself. He was making Jesus look too good.": 3.111
Chuck Norris is the reason you shouldn't mess with Texas.: 4.893
Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.: 1.948
Chuck Norris went on vacation to the Virgin Islands. When he came back, they were no longer virgin.: 3.437
The beard of Chuck Norris is made of razor wire, painted with ox blood, and held together by the souls of mortals he has defeated.: 3.551
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.: 7.024
"Chuck Norris will eat Mike Tysons' babies. ": 4.442
Chuck Norris eats pirates and shits ninjas.: 2.463
Chuck Norris is why you can't run with scissors.: 3.696
Chuck Norris does not need Listerine. He can even knock out bad breath.: 3.0
Chuck Norris tripped the Roman Empire into falling.: 3.771
Chuck Norris was on Survivor once.  The show never aired as all other contestants were elimintated in minutes due to roundhouse kick related injuries.: 2.531
Chuck Norris once ended a basketball game with a 3-point slam-dunk.: 5.865
The tide is effected by which side of his pants Chuck Norris puts his testicles.  The moon was constructed by Chuck Norris to give people an idea of the immensity of his balls.: 4.672
Chuck Norris is so popular he was voted prom king and queen.: 6.533
Chuck Norris eats pills that contain fatal diseases for breakfast.: 2.019
Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.: 5.132
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.  Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.: 6.676
Chuck Norris invented guns so all challengers would have a fighting chance.: 5.314
Chuck Norris enjoys having sex with AIDS patients just so he can contract the disease; beat it, and brag to people that the only cure for AIDS is being Chuck Norris.: 5.615
Chuck Norris can turn lead into gold by simply staring at it causing the molecules to change and rearrange out of fear.  He is the ultimate alchemist.: 3.333
The only line Chuck Norris stands in is the line of fire.: 4.444
"It's a little known fact that only three things will survive the apocalypse: cockroaches, Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris' beard.": 5.571
While everyone made paper airplanes as a child, Chuck Norris made paper beards.: 3.5
Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth; he simply pours Listerine into his vodka twice a day.: 5.0
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Tim Allen for popularizing his mating call.: 3.234
Chuck Norris eats random facts for brunch.: 3.0
The only way Chuck Norris can reach climax is if there's a vietnamese family begging for their lives nearby.: 6.222
Chuck Norris eats three square meals a day.  His beard eats seven.: 5.933
A recent University told Chuck Norris that he would be the perfect test subject for cloning. Unfortunately, the scientists were unable to get the blood sample neccessary so they had to turn to Vin Diesel, as Vin Diesel can actually bleed.: 2.979
Chuck Norris really has no beard, but rather uses adamantium whiskers that jolt out as a defense mechanism destroying all objects in a 2 mile radius. when asked if this hurts, he replies, "Every time.": 2.36
Each individual sperm cell in Chuck Norris' semen has a beard.: 4.595
"Starting in the year 2007, all forms will have 3 boxes for people to mark their gender:  Male, Female, and Chuck Norris.  ": 5.095
Chuck Norris once talked in his sleep.  The words he said were recorded in a classified government document and sent straight to the president.  The No Child Left Behind Act stems from this document.: 3.055
Chuck Norris hates Africa, so he created AIDS.: 3.32
While serving in Vietnam, Chuck Norris's diet consisted of trail mix made from the testcles of enemy soldiers. He also threw in a handful of roasted almonds to build muscle.: 3.916
When the Americans set off the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, all that was left were ashes, bodies, and Chuck Norris reading a newspaper.: 6.285
In order to test his own physical limits in regards to brain freeze, Chuck Norris consumed both the North and South poles. He suffered no ill effects from this feat. Chuck was not surprised.: 2.714
Everytime you litter, Chuck Norris cries, then he'll roundhouse kick your grandma.: 3.404
Chuck Norris is the major cause of death amongst males between 20 and 60 years old.: 2.764
"Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. ": 6.6
For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris: 3.561
Chuck Norris drives a pickup truck upholstered in denim.: 4.603
If you burn one of Chuck Norris' beard hairs and inhale the fumes you get high for 56 years.: 3.811
Secret CIA prisons are a myth created to cover up Chuck Norris' recently acquired hobby of tracking down and torturing terrorists around the globe.: 3.708
Every Friday, Chuck Norris stands menacingly on the shores of southern Texas and gazes stoicly into the ocean, whilst masturbating. This is why Hurricane Rita turned east.: 3.2
"Chuck Norris originally invented \"The Total Gym\" workout machine with human bones as the framework. It was later changed to aluminum for average consumers across the globe...Chuck still uses human bones. ": 4.859
Chuck Norris once gave blood. The blood then went on to win the WWF (now known as the WWE) championship under the moniker of "The Ultimate Warrior". When Chuck learned of this he showed an indiscernible facial expression that could have been pride. Or disgust. We'll never know...: 2.404
Chuck Norris' penis has a social security number.: 3.912
Jesus saves....but Chuck Norris saved Jesus.: 1.75
One man's junk is Chuck Norris' choice of weapon to kill you with.: 4.25
Chuck Norris has never used a condom in his entire life.: 2.041
The recent tsunami that devastated Indonesia was not caused by an underwater earthquake as previously believed but rather was the tragic side-effect of Chuck Norris believing the "Indian Ocean" was actually made of Indians.: 3.636
Chuck Norris doesn't need a language translator; language translates itself for Chuck Norris.: 6.208
Osama Bin Laden is not hiding in the mountains of Tora Bora from the United States. But instead, he is hiding from Chuck Norris because Bin Laden claims his beard possesses more power and strength than Chuck Norris'. Needless to say, Chuck Norris is fucking pissed off.: 4.791
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is.  He impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a child.  We know him as Superman.: 3.826
Congress is in the process of passing a bill to clone Chuck Norris for military purposes. They want his genes, particularly because Chuck Norris' eyes offer nightvision and 3x zoom capabilities.: 4.354
Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull.: 4.061
Chuck Norris once caught a leprachaun.: 4.297
It took NASA's top engineers 17 years to develop tools durable and precise enough to trim Chuck Norris' beard.: 3.244
Chuck Norris invented crack because he doesn't like black people.: 3.128
Chuck Norris does not shave. Instead he just lights his beard on fire. Once the fire is out he roundhouse kicks his dog in the head.: 2.653
In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.: 3.875
It is rumored that when the world ends that Chuck Norris will die, however, Chuck Norris will not die. He will be the reason the world ends.: 3.137
"Chuck Norris's beard won the Stanley Cup in 1996. ": 4.323
Chuck Norris once kicked a 50 yard field goal at the Georgia Dome to the Baltimore Raven's stadium.: 2.7
"Chuck Norris was raised by Lowland Gorillas and returns to Africa once a year to mate and reassert his dominance over the rest of the tribe through a complex series of grunts, chest thumping and roundhouse kicks.  ": 5.232
Chuck Norris becomes enraged when his facts are not judged in a timely manner. Of course, to him, 'timely' means nanoseconds.: 3.777
"Before the Osbournes a reality TV show was made on the life of Chuck Norris.  After 300 hours of filming it was deemed impossible to edit it down to 30 minutes of footage that the world was ready to see.  Over 40 editing staff died of unexplained causes.  The movie, \"The Ring\", is loosely based on these events. ": 4.846
Chuck Norris managed to storm the beaches of Normandy in 1944, armed with only a potato peeler, and single handedly disemboweled over 5,000 German Nazi Soldiers.: 5.5
Chuck Norris won the Kentucky Derby on a 3-legdged goat.: 5.5
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and even Chuck Norris' dick's dick is bigger than your dick.: 3.964
In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris.: 3.609
Chuck Norris graduated high school with a 6.0.: 3.653
Chuck Norris was born a blonde, but the blood of his victims dyed his hair and beard to a healthy orange.: 3.882
Chuck Norris is not, in fact, the reincarnation of Jesus. His beard, on the other hand, is.: 4.187
Chuck Norris once killed a man with his bare hands. He then revived him with his bare hands only to end his life with a roundhouse kick to the face.: 3.584
Chuck Norris has been in every porn video since 1985.: 3.275
Chuck Norris' heart beats once every week.: 3.18
By Presidential decree, everytime Chuck Norris touches up his beard the trimmings are gathered and buried at Arlington Cemetary with full honors.: 3.02
As a young boy, Chuck Norris never would beat up other kids at school and take their lunch money. He would just beat them up.: 6.0
"Chuck Norris jacks off with \"ICY-HOT.\" ": 4.521
Chuck Norris' mom was a virgin when she had him. Apparently, his testosterone levels are so high, he was able to impregnate her before he was even conceived.: 4.36
Chuck Norris sang the theme song to Walker, Texas Ranger. The difference between this and other facts? It's true.: 2.609
Chuck Norris doesn't experience miricales, he makes them.: 2.844
Chuck Norris and God once shared a high-five. The wind that was created caused Hurricane Katrina.: 4.148
"A foolish man once asked Chuck Norris, \"Boxers or briefs?\" Chuck Norris laughed a mighty and cheery laugh, then tore the manâ\x80\x99s intestines out of his ass and used them to strangle him. As if everyone didn't already know that a man as sexy as Chuck Norris couldn't help but go commando.": 3.388
They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris.  He doesn't have to.: 7.259
Chuck Norris doesn't like Pina Coladas because the are for pussies, and states that, "Getting lost in the rain would only happen to a retard.": 3.55
Chuck Norris could have caught the Road Runner and without stupid ACME products.: 1.702
"In order to save the world from an impending volcanic eruption Chuck Norris stuck his massive beard into the crater, preventing the eruption and saving, among others, Boy Scout Troop #52, which he savagly raped in celebration.": 3.18
Major League baseball is retiring all of the digits in Chuck Norris's Social Security number to honor his achievements.: 3.351
Each year, Chuck Norris brings gifts to people across the world as compensation for killing one of their loved ones. We know this day as Christmas.: 5.357
Chuck Norris found Carmen Sandiego.: 4.721
Chuck Norris believes strongly in ending world hunger. He plans to do this by terminating the populations of all third world countries.: 3.658
On the weekends Chuck's favorite pastime happens to be going to retirement homes. Not to help out, but in fact to swallow the souls of the old. This is the reason why he has stayed at the physical age of 55 for the past 213 years.: 2.787
Chuck Norris can crip walk on water.: 2.037
If Chuck Norris' arms were guns, they would be big fuckin' guns.: 3.14
If you have ever seen Chuck Norris in person you will notice that he wears sunglasses at all hours of the day. This is because the sheer power of his stare would easily implode your brain and melt your eyes.: 4.519
Jack Kevorkian refers his patients to Chuck Norris.: 3.049
Chuck Norris once flipped a coin, it still has not landed.: 6.467
Chuck Norris at one time worked for General Mills. His job was to be in the presence of the marshmallows so that they would truely become lucky charms.: 3.477
Chuck Norris won the triple crown last year for the first time since 1978.  He needed no horse.: 4.645
Chuck Norris once challenged God to a drinking contest. The result was the Gulf of Mexico.: 4.0
After saving the world from utter annihilation, the terminator went to see Chuck Norris. He did not come back.: 4.857
After staring at the American flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris pops up.: 6.132
Chuck Norris' sperms don't look like tadpoles, they look like whales.: 4.687
Chuck Norris isn't God, but he beats Him in golf.: 4.787
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.: 7.831
Chuck Norris was the original Horseman of the Apocalypse. He had to be replaced with four different horsemen, because they didn't want the Apocalypse to be anticlimactic.: 5.448
"One time, while Chuck Norris was filming an episode of \"Walker: Texas Ranger\", the production team brought on a guy to hold up cue cards. Norris roundhouse kicked that guy in the pancreas, and proceeded to speak every line in the script in perfect Swahili, just out of spite.": 4.454
The Punisher used to hang out with Chuck Norris, back in the day, until Norris realised what a pussy the Punisher was. It was shortly after this that the Punisher started murdering criminals, but Chuck Norris still won't answer his phone calls.: 2.938
Chuck Norris was the first redhead. Every other redhead in the world is the illegitimate child of Chuck Norris.: 4.666
Chuck Norris likes to kill people between the hours of 12 am and whenever the fuck he wants to eat some dinner.: 4.4
Upon hearing of the possible outbreak of Bird Flu, Chuck Norris became outraged and announced he will kill off every species of bird. When asked about his statement, he replied, "This is Chuck's world, and Chuck determines when thousands die, not birds.": 4.566
Many people think that the three best things in life are sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Chuck Norris counters this statement saying the best three things are sex, sex with your mom and roundhouse kicking your head off when you walk in on him. More at 11.: 2.754
Whenever you walk into a diner, be sure to tell em', "Chuck Norris sent me.": 3.491
Jimi Hendrix didn't die. Neither did John Bonham, John Lennon, or Janis Joplin.  Chuck Norris just kidnapped them and forced them to form an all-star group for his own personal listening pleasure.  The band, known as "Teapot Medallion", performs in Chuck's basement on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, but the Friday night show is an 18 or older show, but it doesn't matter because the only person who knows about it is Chuck Norris.: 4.872
While playing the role of a Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.: 3.77
99% of Chuck Norris is kick ass.  The remaining 1% is pain in your genitals. The other 10% contributes to world hunger because Chuck Norris always gives 110%.: 6.048
MTV sent a camera crew to Chuck Norris' house for an episode of 'MTV Cribs'. The crew began laughing in Chuck's face when they realized his entire house was one big dojo. MTV is currently seeking 3 new camera men.: 5.52
Chuck Norris' mother called him "Charles" once.  Once.: 6.033
1337 $p33k was originally invented after Chuck Norris kicked too much ass for one of his victims to continue using real English.: 3.21
When Chuck Norris looks at the sun, the sun looks away.: 5.02
Rumors claim the dinosaurs were wiped out by a massive comet. This is false. Chuck Norris simply roundhouse kicked all of them into oblivion.: 2.732
Chuck Norris kicked the shit out of Bam Margera because only Chuck Norris can do whatever the fuck he wants.: 5.763
Every wall in Chuck Norris' house is a mirror because Chuck Norris must always be surrounded by beauty.: 4.684
Chuck Norris' feet accounted for more damage in 2005 than both the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina.: 3.317
Chuck Norris created the the theory of evolution, but lost it to Darwin in a game of Tiddly-Winks.: 2.22
Whenever Chuck Norris needs a new pair of boots he just goes out and kicks through a cow.: 5.333
Chuck Norris is the only human in recorded history to ever actually walk on the ocean floor.: 3.16
"Megahertz describes two things: computer speed and Chuck Norris' fist.": 5.111
"Walker: Texas Ranger was orignally named Walker: Universe Defender but was scaled down significantly due to financial restrictions.": 4.314
There is no such thing as wind. What you feel is the breeze generated from Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking someone in the face.: 5.886
In the late 1980's, President Ronald Reagan asked Russian Premier Mikhail Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. Why you might ask? So that Chuck Norris could have more target practice.: 5.583
"Chuck Norris competed in the 1952 Oslo Winter Olympics in the Downhill Skiing event, setting a world record on his way to his 4th straight Gold Medal. Since then, the International Olympic Committee has changed its rules and snake skin cowboy boots are now considered illegal. ": 5.214
The song, "I Can See Clearly Now," was created after Chuck Norris slaughtered 203,945 people in midair.  The rain of blood lasted days.  Jesus was pissed.: 2.565
Chuck Norris spent the first 4 years of World War II strapped to the back of General Patton. He spent this time doodling pictures of himself punching the atom bomb.: 2.681
Chuck Norris was originally chosen for the movie Armageddon, but in the end the producers went with Bruce Willis. Because in real life Chuck would have given the killer asteroid a roundhouse kick at the moment it posed any danger. Thus turning the 2.5 hour epic into a 10 minute after school special.: 4.803
Chuck Norris was taking and evening stroll in a local neighborhood when a mountain spring water truck slammed in to a retarded child playing in the street. Chuck Norris rushed to the scene, destroyed the driver, and resurrected the child making him normal again. This event is celebrated as a show on TV called Captian Planet.: 3.44
Chuck Norris fishes by cutting himself and then jumping into shark-infested waters.: 6.0
Chuck Norris Paul Bunyan and his faithful companion Babe were enjoying a fire in the woods of Michigan one night. It had been a hard day of work and Paul turned to Chuck exclaiming "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" And so he did. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris turned to Paul and said "I'm so hungry I could eat a bull!" Babe was never mentioned in a Bunyan story again.: 4.255
Chuck Norris was recently credited with finding a new race of people living in his chest hair.: 4.647
Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.: 6.755
The Grand Canyon is the result of Chuck Norris' temper tantrum after he lost the election. His platform was, "I'm against abortion, but for killing babies.": 4.465
Chuck Norris can bench-press the moon.: 3.5
Chuck Norris can crush coal into diamonds: 2.851
Contrary to popular belief Chuck Norris wears black not because it allows him to blend into the shadows but because he is still in mourning over the cancellation of the Smurfs.  Chuck misses Papa Smurf's wisdom and guidance.: 5.1
When Chuck Norris works out, he sweats fortitude.: 3.622
The only difference between Chuck Norris and Superman is that Chuck Norris eats graded Kryptonite on his salad and pasta at The Olive Garden.: 5.58
Chuck Norris won a game of "Simon Says" against Simon.: 6.512
Chuck Norris versus God, who would win? Trick question! Chuck Norris is God.: 3.568
Looking for a safe stance on abortion? Neither is Chuck Norris.: 3.804
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jesse Jackson so many times that Jesse became pregnant and gave birth to Kanye West.: 4.44
Chuck Norris has hair where no other man has hair.: 4.243
After filming Delta Force, Lee Marvin admitted that Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of winning a staring contest with God while getting a blowjob.: 3.83
"Chuck Norris once met God. God asked him if he would rather live eternally or have His powers. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and said, \"I'm Chuck Norris, I am God.\" ": 2.815
Chuck Norris once had a contest with The Cookie Monster to see who could eat the most cookies. Halfway through the contest, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Cookie Monster for no apparent reason.: 4.59
At this very moment, there is a 50/50 chance that Chuck Norris is boning your sister.: 5.627
Bruce Lee will challenge Chuck Norris to a matial arts battle to prove that Chuck Norris is over-rated. When the match begins Lee will point out that Chuch Norris has only one move, "the roundhouse kick". Chuch Norris will then spend the next three minutes removing his boot from Lee's face.: 5.0
Whilst paying a visit in Berlin, Chuck Norris paid a visit to the "Potsdamer Platz", a building notorious for having a lift that can cover 24 floors in less than 15 seconds. Upon hearing this Norris decided to race the lift using the stairs. Needless to say the first thing people saw when the lift doors opened on the 24th floor was Chuck Norris tapping his watch smugly.: 4.852
Chuck Norris has the ability to roundhouse kick straight down repeatedly kicking the air molecules below him at such an extreme rate that theoretically he could escape the gravitational pull of the earth.  Unfortunately Chuck Norris's beard is comparable in mass to Saturn and as a result the Earth will be pulled wherever he goes.: 3.375
It is well known that Chuck Norris weightlifts a lot, but it is not well known that he refuses to weightlift unless he is skydiving from 45,000 feet, without a parachute.: 3.931
Chuck Norris' shoes, most notably the one that roundhouse kicked the Berlin wall down are kept in a secret government closet in Langley, Virgina. This may be the only government secret that Clinton did not sell to the Chinese.: 3.08
Chuck Norris has neither run across an irresistible force nor an immovable object.: 3.763
Every four years, Chuck Norris beats another 24 hours into February.: 5.5
Life handed Chuck Norris lemons.  Instead of making lemonade, he swallowed them whole and gave birth to Big Bird shortly thereafter.: 2.98
Bowling is actually a sport derived from when Chuck accidentally roundhouse kicked himself in the testicles and one broke free.  In a fit of rage he threw it at a nearby forest creating our modern logging industry as well.: 4.615
MacGyver uses a paperclip, balloon and pencil to make a building explode. Chuck Norris used his feet.: 4.777
To pull America out of the Great Depression, Chuck Norris listed his beard on the stock exchange. While these shares have become increasingly valuable, no one has ever been game enough to collect.: 5.684
Chuck Norris can eat an apple and crap fruit salad.: 3.48
Sonar was invented after US military officials gave clearance for funding towards research that observed Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking a metal pole at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean.: 3.433
On the sixth day God created Chuck Norris.: 3.228
As a young child Chuck Norris and his school yard friends enjoyed an occasional game of "Hungry Hungry Hippo", with real Hippopotamuses.: 3.795
When Chuck Norris found out dolphins were becoming an endangered species, he banged flipper and she gave birth 100 times.: 2.777
Yoda was once "6,4", black, and talked normal, he then made the mistake of saying Chuck Norris sucks.: 5.52
Once plugged into the Matrix, it took Chuck Norris 6 minutes to do what it took Neo 3 movies to accomplish.  He also beat Super Mario Bros in under 60 seconds while he was there.: 5.772
Chuck Norris' penis is the 8th continent.: 3.615
Halloween was invented when Chuck Norris disguised himself as a ghost so that he could beat up a pumpkin, light it on fire, and steal all of its candy.: 2.195
Chuck Norris' happy trail extends from his chin to his taint.: 3.361
The Chaos Theory was invented when a Scientist observed Chuck Norris frantically search for his car keys when he was late for a beard trimming appointment.: 4.435
Chuck Norris can eat granite rock like a soft chew candy.: 3.826
Navy SEALS utilize the training regimen Chuck Norris used in middle school.: 5.935
Shaft once said to Chuck Norris, "Damn you a bad mutha!" At which, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Shaft and said, "Shut yo mouth!": 2.471
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.: 2.854
Chuck Norris stabbed his grandmother in the neck for forgetting his favorite pie at Christmas. Upon learning that she had actually brought it and was playing a joke on him, he conjured her back to life by roundhouse kicking Jesus.: 2.851
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris: 7.311
Chuck Norris just pissed your pants.: 4.153
"If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks fast enough he will eventually take off. ": 3.411
Once Chuck Norris was asked what he thought was the cause of the dismal successs of the movie Sidekick. He started the war in Kosovo the next day.: 3.0
Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die; he then gave the story to Johnny Cash in return for his mortal soul.: 4.409
Liberace came out of the closet because Chuck Norris was in there.: 3.391
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jimmy Hoffa into the future. In the year 2052, Hoffa will reappear and fly through the windshield of a flying car.: 4.625
Chuck Norris was with a good friend when he was suddenly attacked by a ninja. He easily defeated him by throwing him out the window. His friend commented by humorously saying, "Looks like that guy got 'chucked' out the window!" Chuck Norris was confused at the mention of his name, and roundhouse kicked his friend through a wall.: 5.362
If you think Chuck Norris can't rape you anytime, anywhere then you are in for a rude awakening tomorrow.: 5.586
If you say Chuck Norris' name three times into a mirror, he will appear behind you immediately and break your neck. Then, he'll trim his beard in your sink leaving his facial clippings as a calling card.: 4.813
Chuck Norris' first word was "Total Gym".: 3.964
On a scale of 1 to 10, Chuck Norris kicks ass.: 3.676
Chuck Norris is accurate to within 1 second in a million years.: 4.338
When Chuck Norris takes a leak, a rainbow appears.: 3.921
Bruce Lee never died while filming "Game of Death" with Chuck Norris. The true cause of his disappearance is that Bruce Lee asked Chuck Norris to teach him how to perform a roundhouse kick. Being good friends, Chuck Norris promised to teach him, but only after Bruce Lee embarked on an epic journey of the spirit, that is still taking place entirely within Chuck Norris' beard.: 4.269
Only Chuck Norris can have sex in the Champagne Room.: 3.918
Chuck Norris is so lethal; his penis has biceps instead of testicles and deadly venom instead of sperm. It is for this very reason that he is known only as "La Cobra" in many South American countries, and is worshiped by tribal people living off the coast of New Zealand.: 2.475
Chuck Norris enjoys long walks on the beach and staring into the sun while eating thumb tacks.: 4.32
Chuck Norris was not born, he was forged.: 5.204
Chuck Norris does not swim. He wades.: 2.741
Chuck Norris's kisses taste like candy.  Candy and roundhouses.: 3.576
Chuck Norris invented pain in order to have a reason to roundhouse people in the face.: 4.306
Evel Knievel's motive behind all his stunts was to impress Chuck Norris.: 5.703
Scientists were baffled when Chuck Norris swam to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, because most humans would get crushed. Then the scientists started to understand when Chuck Norris crushed the Marianas Trench. Now he lives at the bottom in a log cabin: 3.208
Chuck Norris was once forced to attend a wedding he didn't want to go to. He roundhoused the groom, fucked his mother, the bride, her mother, the bridesmaids and drunk the bar dry. No one forces Chuck to do anything without a little payback.: 2.923
"There are 3 definite facts of life: death, taxes, and severe pain caused by Chuck Norris.": 4.509
The hook was invented when a doctor tried to give Chuck Norris a shot.: 4.0
Chuck Norris runs the mile in negative 6 seconds.: 5.063
Hell is waiting until Chuck Norris dies before it freezes over. Hell will be waiting a long time.: 3.581
The true author of The Tale of Two Cities was Chuck Norris. He wrote it in two days while consuming nothing but dry gin and typing with his toes.: 3.039
Chuck Norris invented McDonalds for the sole purpose of becoming stronger. Almost daily he goes to there to practice round house kicking fat people in the face: 3.69
Whereas most people are killed by a BAC of .45, Chuck Norris only passes out when the alcohol in his veins is less than 5% blood.: 4.15
Lance Armstrong onces made fun of Chuck Norris. As a result Chuck Norris challenged Lance to a bikerace using the Tour de France's actual course. Instead of peddling Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his bike the length of the course and beat Lance by three days. Lance immediatly protested the result and Chuck roundhouse kicked him. As a result Lance's hair became part of Chuck Norris' beard and he lost his testicle. Lance didn't have cancer he was just a victim of Chuck Norris.: 2.607
Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.: 6.779
Chuck Norris was told by his doctor that he needed more minerals in his diet. Twelve Miners from West Virginia went missing that same week.: 5.666
Chuck Norris is suing the band "Survivor" because they explicitly stole the phrase "eye of the tiger," which Chuck had previously named his penis hole after.: 5.261
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.: 6.64
To this day, Chuck Norris still thinks there are only eight planets. Nobody has ever had the nerve to tell him "Uranus is a planet.": 4.187
Everytime a bell rings, Chuck Norris gets laid.: 5.384
Jack the Ripper didn't exist. There was only Chuck Norris, unsattisfied by the whores in White Chappel.: 3.705
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, it shatters because it is scared shitless.: 4.413
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.: 7.856
Halley's comet isn't a comet at all, but rather, a man named Murry LeTart whom Chuck Norris very nearly roundhouse kicked out of the solar system because he claimed that the Total Gym was merely a "mediocre fitness machine".: 4.574
Chuck Norris created the world, then he gave it a roundhouse kick in the northern hemisphere and created continents.: 3.421
Chuck Norris sweats actual bullets. He never uses them, he doesn't have to.: 4.576
Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.: 6.987